mental health

I see it now. The struggle during the holidays. All the insanity of let's go here or there. Or this dinner or that. I went to no dinners. No parties. No shopping. I did nothing an I only got gifts for my kid. I spent so much of time buying stuff for others an going broke like why bother. These people want to be in my life than appreciate me as is.

But aftermath of knowing I spent so much money on my kid. So much to help him have clothes an toys. An realizing a week before the end of year that I'm like what have I done.

Reality is we all had this extra money an yet none of us have it now. An what good did it do? I have so many bills to pay. An the constant need to make my kid happy is bad. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed. An my relationships. Are none existent. An I am realizing more and more I've gotten nothing out of my relationships with anyone. But everyone who is with me has gotten everything. My blood sweat an tears. My emptied accounts 

An I'm crying at the idea of not being able to feed myself this week. But no one knows that because it's not for people to know but it's a reality of how I'm living 

I cant even understand why. What am I doing. An then it adds up. Buying this or that for this or that or sending money for this person or that. An realizing I'm leaving nothing for myself. An when i need the help it's not returned. 

But everyone can take everything from me 

It makes me lose my sanity. It makes me want to cut. Something I've had urges to do. I'm trying so hard not to give into it. But I'm getting hurt. I'm getting hurt by others an they don't see that. Or they choose not to see that. An I'm drowning in that. 

I keep thinking to myself I wish I didn't come back. I know I'm selfish for these thoughts but it's so hard to survive. It's so hard to live. It's hard to need. Want. Desire. An to provide not just for myself but for my kid too. An not have the necessary finances because his selfish mother lied to the government an said this kid was not with me. But I've given court papers that say he has been with me forever. So why are they taking shit from me.

Ugh the list goes on..

I'm drowning and I'm struggling. 

I watched a movie. Based on true story about those teenagers who got stuck in the caves. An how they survived for 18 days. An they did by remaining calm. By praying. An meditation. An I'm like I feel like I couldn't do it 

So much bs in my life. My friend told me recently that because of thr icd. Not only will I never scuba dive. I'll likely never jump off a plane or bridge because of the device in my chest. I had a bucket list. A thing I was working towards an now those ideas are gone. An I have to readjust because of some unknown be heart thing. I feel like I'm a hermit now. Because not just these little things. 

So much.. .

i can't keep thinking about it. As I'm getting more upset. I need to runaway. Stop paying all my bills an rent. Just spend money on myself lol

I wish...I would love to go into the next year with some security for my finances or whatever. 

But it feels like no matter what I do. My finances are a serious problem. Idk how to survive...

I tried to bring lunches to work. I tried to have gift cards for any other needs. An yet... I'm going into this with hunger. I don't have enough snacks or food. 

I'm just feeling helpless. An if I tried to get help for it. Idk. I honestly am not buying things I can't afford you know. I'm not eating at restaurants..or buying taxis or ubers or fast food. 

I'm just not sure how I'm so broke all the time. 

injection

I feel like as it's raining in my life. Surviving these days have been hard. An now even though I have no idea what happened or why it happened. I'm back to focusing on my car crash injuries as I'm struggling with chronic pain. But I also can't help but think of Christmas. Think of my anniversary with my distant partner. Think about all the things I've lost in my life. 

I say how happy I am without my family but it's not that but the fake pieces of that family. The people who only want to bring me down. Reminding me where I've come from an who I was. Or how I've failed at being a sister. A protector. Or how I brought this darkness in our lives. An of course how I planned to steal this kid I've had for five years as if I wanted this life. 

Believe me. I look back at my life.. I've spent so much of my life not having a kid. I thought about the way I was brought up. What I was brought up into an I didn't want to carry that on. I didn't wanna continue with the broken generational trauma. I knew this at a young age let alone that I just knew it wasn't for me. 

An yet five years ago my life changed... an in the snap of my fingers I rearranged my life. An quit my dream job to care for this kid. An I spent the following years building myself up to ensure to give him a good stable home. Full of love. An full of dreams 

I am terrified everyday... I dont wanna screw this boy up. But I'm sure I will. An if not me. Then it would be the truth of his parents. 

I recently talked to someone an my continous question to his biological mother. Is she enjoying her life. 

As that was what she was supposed to be doing within those 3 months of me temporarily having him. 

An instead her life blew up and yes I stepped back because I couldn't support her an care for her kid an make a living. An I tried to stay in touch until she spouted some bs about this being my plan all along to steal her kid. 

Having him forever wasn't my plan. 

I dont feel ok. I don't feel strong enough to have a kid. I am fucked up in all my own ways including my own demons to fight with. I have so many flaws I never claim to be perfect or know it all.

An In the last two years I've been thro so much pain an heartache I hardly believe I'm still standing.

And when I came back...

The only thing that I thought about was my boy. I was so desperate to be back with him. An I felt so much pain in knowing I had to leave him for 3 weeks of all the years him an I been together I never left him. An then all of a sudden my life went to 3 weeks of being gone.

So I know I'm here for him.  

My life only has meaning because of him. My heart only is full of love for him and my partner an they are my family. They are the reason I am still here.

I recently got told that I'm going to require injections... to help relieve the pain from my car accident. An people say it's worth it others say it causes more damage. But I don't know what to do. 

Alls I know. Is I'm living in pain everyday. And I want to do something to relieve that. Because it's hard to live fully with this pain. 

I wish I could say I'm just a baby. But the person I am on the regular basis I am not this. 

surviving

It doesn't make sense... to be honest... I dont understand why I'm alive. I feel like the entire month of August was a nightmare. But then I get the reminder of my heart icd everyday 

My limitations vary in what I can and can't do. 

I'm struggling...

Simple tasks that were easy before no longer seem relevant  

I think of all these bs movies an things that talk about someone life changes as they survive shit like this. Or how their priorities change.

An here I am back to where I was. Doing the same things as before. 

I feel completely lost.

I feel like I just don't know how to get out of my head. Get out of my house. An move forward. I have built relationships with people who bail on me. People who sell me out. Or come up short. But when they need me I always answer I always respond. But when I need support help or anything I'm left behind.

Currently I wanted to talk about something. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't know who I can turn too. Because the issues are so different. So not my normal stuff. I'm scared to write it. Speak it. Acknowledge it because I could be wrong. But I could be right.

It's not very often I'm placed in situations like this one. I feel completely out of my element. Which doesn't make sense. 

I'm struggling...to speak truth. An to know where I can trust to say those things that are deeply rooted in me.

I'm also struggling to see why I'm alive.

I'm sure people who've been thro this can relate. How'd I die. An get found at the moment of death. An how did I get in an induced coma for 4 days. 

What the heck did I do.. how did it happen. An what should I be doing. Where was I. When I was in the hospital in the sense I was gone for 4 days. Imagine that. Who knows who was by my side. Who knows who came to me. How did everyone know or be there. 

I'm also grateful to those that supported my kid an were there for him.  

I just I don't know why. How. When. An idk.. it just a huge mess in my head. My heart. 

An I am feeling hurt. That my friends idk. I haven't told them much. They say just move forward but how do I do that? If I feel this way? U know. Idk.

So much crap... I still can't even be honest. But my mind Is lost.