difficult days

I know that the expectations of me are never very high. I think with all the things that have happened in my life I just start to realize the broken pieces of me. I try to push past all my own brokenness because I am absolutely infatuated. In love with this person. And its beautiful. Its terrifying. 

I'm also haunted by my own short comings. Haunted by where I fall short on everything in life. And it makes me wonder why

Why can anyone care. I look into her eyes an think what is she thinking she could see in me.

I know for me in her there is a fire. Like my Phoenix rising from the ashes. She sets my soul on fire. I am completely wrapped up in her. 

An i think that's insane. That's stupid who says or does these things. 

My mind is racing. I cannot believe I made it here. I cannot believe it. Honestly if you would have told me a month ago that this is where I was going to be today I wouldn't have believed you. An its here an its unreal..

For real... for real... at the root of us is love. It's killing me how astonished I am feeling.

Its normal to feel terrified but its more normal for me to want to run. Sabotage. Or hide from it. Because I'm so waiting for the bottom to drop when she wakes up one day an decides this isn't for her. 

I'm losing my mind. 

Which is why I'm writing. Cause so much I think about so much unknown. Don't you think if someone loved someone else they would have thought about the future. I'm not talking just 6 months I'm talking forever. I hate to feel what I feel. I am happy to have her in my life but I'm terrified what that means.

Everyone deserves love but reality is does everyone get it. Its not just about it existing but about grasping itn holding onto it. Not letting ourselves fufk its up. because that what I want to do.

I'm used to the mindset. She deserves better she needs more than what I can offer. An yet she is still here.

It brings me back to my lady. I fought that for so long. To accept her love an learn to live in it.

I wrote something to this love of mine. Sounds so corny but when you hear it you'll see who I am. 

"What more can I offer her that she does not already have. In all my own trauma my own brokenness I offer the broken pieces of my heart to mend her. I love without limits. I deeply value an care for the people in my life. I offer these pieces of me to help keep her soul on fire."

I hope if my love our love isn't forever she can see how deeply I care an love an am devoted to her. 

For that this was the best love story I've ever experienced I dont want to let go 

.much love

new love interest

So I may as well right this as I feel it so urgently now. The last few months or lets say this entire year has been rough.

Trying to capture the good moments when life was good. An from out of nowhere something happened. I hardly know what to say or how to explain the feeling or what is actually happened. 

Someone I considered a friend has turned into something else to me. Someone I see now that I wasn't really looking at before. And it's like a vampire tasting blood for the first time. I want, I yearn, I desire. 

Old songs become new songs of love that I never felt before. 

I hardly know how to keep myself together because I feel so dismantled in her presence. I feel so vulnerable an secure at the same time. Knowing for some odd reason if I ever fell apart she would be there to guard my heart. An I think what pushed me over the edge was she didn't just say she would stand by me. She also said she would be there for my kid. An that's a first time I've ever heard anyone say that about spending time with me. An for some odd reason it made me happy. 

I dont want to write too many details. I just know I'm in a good spot right now. I'm grateful that for whatever reason that we found one another and it seems we are what we seem to need for tho time being.

I just want her to be happy. I want her to experience life in a beautiful way. I wish there was more I could say but because of it being so new to me. I'm still gathering myself.

I'm grateful in these dark days I've found a beautiful ray of light in the darkness. It's refreshing an reminder of moving forward the good things in life are still yet to come 

I love you....if you ever read this know that I'm grateful you are here. An that you love me back. 

garbage thrown out

As I write these words so many bad things have happened in the year. I hardly know where to begin. All around the world one way or another we all have felt that moment of loneliness. That feeling of despair. Feeling of not knowing how to keep going. How easy it was before. How easy it seemed before. Things now shine so different. 

I can hardly express how it feels for me. I refuse to place judgment on anyone alls I can do is be me. 

I've been finding myself in this dark place trying to find happiness. Trying to find connection. Trying to find meaning. It's been so difficult...so hard to say no to my kid an say maybe another day.

I felt like we lived so good before I was able to find peace in all things. I felt loved an respected I felt like I never needed anything anymore.

Due to covid everything has changed for the worst. Knowing that my connections to my job could jeopardize my family. I put anyone around me at risk about the choices I make at work. But I cant help bit work. I can't help but help. Sometimes its all I have to do everyday these people some of them deserve an need it.

I have to keep Moving forward without knowing where thats going. Do you know how difficult that is? I've always had my family. An now I' have idk nobody. I have now joined the rest of the world an the pain they all feel. I finally know as a single mother how tiring it is to have to work all day  come home make food. Clean up. Do laundry. Take out garbage. Do everything all alone by myself. How do I even do it. An still find time for my kid. 

It hurts an pains me to see what my family is trying to do to me.

Knowing how they judge what I've done or am doing. To judge me based on my past an who I was. I worked so hard to change worked so hard to mend. Why do they do this to me? Do they think this is a joke. Like it's that easy to raise a kid. To give up all my hopes an dreams an be there for my kid. 

There's no greater sacrifice I think I'll ever endure then what I've done to be here for my kid. 

An yes I have sad days. I have flash backs. My life is not all good and tidy I struggle. I scream. I cry. But every night I still kiss my kid goodnight an tell him tomorrow will be a better day. 

Do you know how hard that is to do everyday. I love him so much. Everything. Every thing I do is for him.  I love him beyond all things. And I'm having hard days but I keep moving forward hoping tomorrow the sun will continue to shine. Keep Moving Forward