always remember

 I can't remember what I wrote in my earlier post, but I am pretty sure it was regarding the struggle right now of losing my entire support system within my family. the one strong hold the one bond I've had my entire life, I always relied on them and to no longer have them with me, and to see the reminisce of what that truly means it breaks my heart. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me but it truly does, and to know that my family is divided. how can my family be ok with this.

even as I write this now I hear a drunk argument happening somewhere out there, brings back floods of memories of the person I used to be. I was so broken, so hurting, I found an escape not cure, I found an escape from that pain dwelling in my soul, the rage, the anger, the sadness, I thought I could hide it away every time I drank, every time I cut. It was such a huge piece of my life, after spending some of my life believing that I didn't want to be another statistic I was living breathing as one because I followed the path so many of my ancestors had, and I had not view of surviving I knew if I continued down that path it would be the end of me. It was like I was just not caring, and I hear this couple arguing an it makes me think of all those terrible times I blacked out, or cut too deep, and it was because of the pain. it wasn't because of the person I was with, it was because I hadn't dealt with myself, and my own darkness, I was trying to bury it deep within, but when I got wasted it surfaced, and when it did I was a demon. I was out to destroy myself, by trying to die because deep down that's what I wanted, I didn't believe I ever would matter, I would ever mean anything, or that I'd ever make it out of this shitty life I was living.

I was so lost. 

Then one day no not in one day. but I finally remade myself, I started small but I started cutting out the people who weren't actually my friends, and I tried to get out of my bad habits and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew if I hadn't done it I'd end my life. I have the scars on my body, the shitty moments on paper. I was a monster and I didn't want that to be my legacy, I wanted more, I knew there had to be more because I felt it as a teenager, I felt that love, and the purity as a kid when I was in the church, and I knew I could have that I could go back to being someone not no one, not just another one in that life. 

It took a long ass while, I really had to make a choice and had to give up friendships, and people, and places and things and I honestly felt alone, I felt like this wasn't worth it. 
but then I see from this side, the friends I have now, the family I choose to have now and the son I have now, an it all is clear as day. this is what my future was meant to be, this is why I lived that night, this is why I choose to stop the shitty life, this is why I don't do what I always did. 

and to have my family try rip that from me. my mistake to have my own sister tell me that my son would be better off in a home, in foster care, away from me. it sickens me that she is so blinded. she is so nieve that she would try condemn my son to grow up without me. 
how can anyone want that for their family. then I realized it. 

she has never known the brokenness I have known, she has never seen the things I had seen in foster care, the way I was treated, the way I was tormented, the way I felt about my mom and dad abandoning me to this place where these people treated me like garbage, and I couldn't get why this psycho believes my son would be better off. I have fought very hard to be where an who i am now, and it hurts me to believe she's so psychotic that she would rather see him suffer then be with me. 

The worst of that argument I had with her is that she said my own mom was a better mom than me, and that was the weirdest thing to me, how could that be true? I love my mom believe me I understand her now, but when I was growing up she wasn't there for me, on numerous occassions of very awful things that I had to endure as a kid, she wasn't there, she didn't comfort me, she didn't protect me, she didn't save me, she didn't tell me she even loved me, I had no love an affection from her, and my psycho fucked up sister is trying to say she's a better mom then me!
this was the biggest joke ever, because I've spent every night telling my son I love him, every hug, every snuggle, every playtime we've had, ever toy I bought, every laugh, every tear I have been here for him, making sure he knows I love him. 

that is something I never got from my own mom. and that's how i know my disowned sister is completely off her rocker, to believe that my son could do better in the arms of foster parents, I will never let that happen. I have given up so much for my son, and he will only see the greatness from me, and i will never let him down. I don't ever want to fail him. he means the world to me, and I cannot describe that enough of how much he keeps me in check. I'm grateful for him

I'm sad at the person I used to be, and the past I do have, and the shitty things I did to myself and others back in the day but I'm not that person, and there are no perfect parents out there, and I'm sure every parent has a past. and one day I will have to tell my son who I was, as I wear my scars proudly, as my reminder of how close i came, and how that scar represents the beginning of the changes I made to become a better person, and to strive to change and to become someone my community needed.

I hope one day I can share that with him, as for the brokenness within my family that won't mend, I can't forgive what had happened, the wound is still fresh and they hunger to cause me pain and until I can be strong enough to stand up to that. I have to cut them out of my life, and sadly my son suffers from not having them by my side, and I just hope we figure it out at least for some of my family, but those who wish me to fail, and wish to harm my son, I will never welcome those people back into my life, and I think that's the best choice for us for now. 

KMF 8385 

Struggling day

 So. I don't know where to begin except to say as I type my eyes are all red and puffy. I've been crying for hours now. 

I had a blow up with my moms youngest daughter. It was pretty much the same BS it has always been in our stuff. she has some serious hurts that she hasn't dealt with but blames me for them. Its funny cause she always says I am on this high pedestal that I command my family and friends, I create slaves in my brothers etx. when reality is during this argument she had made it out to be that she was the perfect child, only person taking care of my mom. Reality was I had asked for her help day before to take 10 mins out of her day to drive down a block or two to pick up our mom and she wouldn't. 

But whatever family is family right?

the reality in this scenerio is I get to pick who my family is, I can decide I am no longer attached, and I can choose the friends and certain family I have to be my actual family. 

The hardest part of this ordeal. wasn't that she brought all the shitty things I did, and actually most of the things she brought up either were fabricated, or flat out lie. the things that she did say that hurt me most and above all else. was that I was a terrible parent terrible mother to my son. 

reality is.. anyway who doesn't see the sacrifices I've made for my kid, or who hasn't been a part of my day to day life, they wouldn't understand any part of it. 

so why did I let this bother me? because she's the high and mighty person? i let it bother me because she threatened to have my kid taken from me which sucked,and hurt. like I've done such a crappy job that she thinks my son would be better off with a stranger? without his family? could you imagine, I actually can imagine how horrible that would be for him, how hurt, abandoned he'd feel. then I Realized this is who she is, this is what she does, she doesnt care of the consequences of what she says or says she doesn't even see the outcome that could be. 
she's so entwined in her own hurt an pain she doesn't see what she has just done.

She will see now. let me tell you.. she has lost her family because of what she decided to do. she also lost my brothers, and she is currently in the process of losing my mom. words are hurtful but her words and the way she expresses herself are like lava, she sets out to set fire to everything with her tongue, and because we are her family she brings it all up, not just one or two mishaps she brings EVERYTHING I ever did wrong she brings it up in arguments. 

It hurt. I am currently hurt and hurting. but I can only move forward. and hope that she finds help and support.

as I feel I have found love and support, I sent a post online about the ordeal not even about the detailed incident and had dozens of people come to ask how I am, as well as agree to stand by my side as I begin this shitty venture of the unknown consequences of her slander. 

I can only hope I can write soon stating that I am free of her, and that I still live my life, it is by far from perfect but I am doing what I can to ensure my son has the best life he could live, have everything I never had. 

KMF

reality check

I wish I could rewrite my whole life story. I actually did it once. But I think it got lost in the moves along with my photo albums.. the good an tough times of my life. All that I could remember... I think I even took pictures of the houses I remember living in. Today the talk of my niece going for sushi had me think of specific childhood memories. I had a childhood friend who's parents owned a local store in the neighborhood. We used to eat those seaweed things was so good. My parents never understood why I ate them. The best part of the local store was that they sold those one cent candies. Damn was so good was my favorite to be able to buy the candies. 

Then it had me thinking of all the things I couldn't have. How exciting it was just to eat food in general. If we start on that then comes the floods of bad memories that are too painful to bring up.

Lately we hear on the news how powerful or empowered women feel telling their stories of the abuse sexual an otherwise. How powerful it was for them. However there are some of us who can't always remember the entire stories. There are smells or images that remind me of those terrible times...

When I tried to bring it up with my doctor or psychologist it ended up... they believe that my brain has blocked out the shitty times in my life. Like my brain has build a safe or wall surrounding the bad times or not bad times but the beyond hell times. The pain I endured or heartache or hopelessness. My brain has forgotten the actual entire piece or whatever. My doctor or whomever it was said that its self preservation of trying to keep myself alive an able to survive??? I dont know. Rumor is one day it will come back. One day I'll remember.

Thinking of the shitty past I had. I'm sure for some it doesn't even compare. I'm sure everyone has a story some good some bad. I honestly don't believe my past is as bad as some. I believe that my father loved me. He protected me as best as he could. Was my Hero. I lost him at a young age and I think that had definitely jaded me 

But the thing is... it also helped me stay away from the toxic shit like drugs. .

I'm off on a rant...

I'm saying I'm glad that I can raise my kid. That I am working. That I am able to provide for my kid. That there isn't a time where he's hungry. Where he isn't safe. Or where anyone would be concerned for him. 

I'm grateful to provide him with the essentials in life plus more. Cause I also have gone out of my way to give him what he wants an needs. 

I'm grateful that I work. That I'm respected at my job by some not by all. But that I feel somewhat supported surrounded by the people I work with. To share similar background stories an all be able to rise above the shitty past we all had. Its beautiful.

I hope my kid knows how lucky he has it. That majority of everyone in our family is not in addiction that we all love him an regularly show that love for him. 

I hope he knows how lucky he is an how grateful he should feel. Compared to others...

Anyway kid is calling.......wish I could rewrite my past.... maybe one day