So the continued rant of my life.. The stressfulness of my life and the responsibilities of my necessities of life.. I feel overwhelmed yet again, frustrated beyond anything and worried about the future and all the things in my life...
Most of the time I can handle the struggles of my life,and really enjoy drama and events that cause choas in my life...
Currently feeling overwhelmed by money issues, relationship issues and just a whole load of garbage of my life...I don't know what to do anymore and what choices that I need to make.
My relationship is on a rocky road enough as it is,and than added stress of my partner choosing to drink and than losing all the money yet again.. What more do I need to say about the frustration?!
I know that I've been dealing with this for just over a year and before it was equal for us to provide food, and a future of taking care of our responsibilities... and now it's I moved out and still struggle with the same responsibilities... Im losing my mind and starting to feel my heart continue to want to give up..
Today my counselor told me that I can't change my partner that's something they must do on their own..These are words I know all too well...I know this...I know in my own self-destruction it wasn't anyone who could help me find my way out... It was my heart yearning for it, crying for it.. and it was only by my actions...that I became the person I am now...
And yet still struggling with the faults in my life..I don't know if I can do this anymore... Im struggling with drinking because I'm in a relationship where my partner drinks, but even when we aren't together the same tenancies arise within me to go out and drink...
If it's not drinking,well recently I hurt myself... For the first time in who knows how long...I found a way to not hurt myself again...How the hell am I going to turn my life around its like there is only so much strength within me to keep trying to get out of this chaos and yet I'm still stuck here...
I need some help, and I'm seeking help... but I'm currently struggling to find the right choices and decisions and move forward... Why did I do this to myself...What have I done to myself but put myself in all this dysfuntion and complete and at times of chaos...
I just need some strength, I need friends who will be here for me... Because I'm struggling beyond recognition.... and I'm scared I won't make it.. because it's starting to hurt too much.. constantly being pulled in all different directions, and my heart is crumbling before me...
Yet I keep telling myself this is temporary you know? I'll get through this beause someway somehow I find a way through all the darkness that continues to try envelope in my life.. I dont know what I've done to deserve the ability to survive but I'm clearly surviving and finding my way through this.
:'(
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Lost in the mess
Since August 1, I have been moved out unfortantley I went back on August 4, a lack of ability to avoid my own feelings and tried to stay there...
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!
My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???
I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...
Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..
I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!
Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..
Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!
My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???
I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...
Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..
I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!
Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..
Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!
Well the truth comes out...Im all moved out and struggling to move forward with my life...A piece of me is here trying to work this out in my own head, and my own heart... I don't know what to do...
This damn relationship meant the world to me...I was in it over a year and yet I'm almost being blamed for the cheating, or fall through...Its like really... are you kidding.. tell me this isn't real..
I spend most of my nights alone hiding in a room, in complete darkness... and I wish I wasn't here dealing with this... Im broken, I'm confused,I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm trying so hard to make sense of this...I wanted this to work, I wanted this to be forever but all the dysfuntion all the heartache, the arguing, and cheating, and of course the lies...well its too much for me to even try thinking about this being a good thing...I don't know what to do..
right now I feel lost...confused... and I wish I had the right choice and stayed with! I can't figure out how to let this go...I hate my life for this very reason... How can I let go and run away...
It hurts... It hurts... my heart hurts, and I'm not sure how to continue to move forward
This damn relationship meant the world to me...I was in it over a year and yet I'm almost being blamed for the cheating, or fall through...Its like really... are you kidding.. tell me this isn't real..
I spend most of my nights alone hiding in a room, in complete darkness... and I wish I wasn't here dealing with this... Im broken, I'm confused,I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm trying so hard to make sense of this...I wanted this to work, I wanted this to be forever but all the dysfuntion all the heartache, the arguing, and cheating, and of course the lies...well its too much for me to even try thinking about this being a good thing...I don't know what to do..
right now I feel lost...confused... and I wish I had the right choice and stayed with! I can't figure out how to let this go...I hate my life for this very reason... How can I let go and run away...
It hurts... It hurts... my heart hurts, and I'm not sure how to continue to move forward
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