There are tons of things that are bothering me..many things that have confused me and scared me and even made me feel lower than I could ever feel. This is an aspect in my life that needs some serious transformation...
I recently had a conversation with a friend and I shared with her that I felt like maybe this isn't really me... All these great marks, all these great words...I keep flying into the mindset that maybe they have mistaken me for someone else. This is not truth and I realized that I've never been praised for very much, and so when I do I am constantly thinking maybe that was meant for someone else, or maybe they made a mistake.
I have grown accustomed to that mindset of being worthless, and a mistake. I know I'm a great writer, and I live my life to the best of my extent. It will take many years to heal it will take a great support system for me to be able to be comfortable to break down these walls that have kept me hidden.. Actually off note... While listening to drumming in my last day of class... I had a vision as we listened to the beautiful drum... That vision was I could clearly see a gate of bricks and with each beat of the drum I seen these bricks falling down...
Maybe that's where I'm at??? Maybe I'm finally finding the confidence, the self-reliance I need to continue on with my life..
There is a huge thing coming up in my near future... I'm terrified of it and worry that I will be left alone, worry that maybe I will even fall apart or something ridiculous that relates to who I used to be... I've created a time to fall apart no not that but I have given myself grace for beginning the horrible stages I will soon be facing. I have created an atmosphere that creates a facade of where I am at, and who I really am...
For me to break this cycle... Is for me to cry out for help... To avoid being the rock I try to be and allow myself to fall apart, allow all these feelings that are within me now... allow them to come fourth because this is the cycle of life, this is the road to true and utter healing.
I don't know...Maybe I'm just crazy?
This last course was pretty intense and in learning it... I felt myself hurting, feeling the pain of those things... realizing what's happened truly...what's happened... the statistics, the history, the constitution, the Indian Act... All these things and all those stories... touched me at the root of my being and I felt so hurt, almost as if I were opening the stages to grieve the outcome of my history...
even in this course though... One thing I'm learning very clearly... Is no matter the history or my mindset... I will always have people who are with me... I'm sure if I really needed the help of one of my classmates they would be there...Just as they know I am here for them too... So in learning through these difficult histories each of us in our leadership mindset of how to create a better future... They have influenced my life tremendously and as I look at this future event... Honestly the only people I want to be around is them...
While... It's time to go eat lunch..even though it's dinner time :) I have to be sure that all those words I wrote in my course project I stand by them, huge part of that is taking care of myself... So that's what I'm going to do... I also have to have faith!
I have a friend visiting here and she is living on faith... She believes that she is being looked after and she is... she is a very inspirational friend and I really miss having her around but I know she's doing great even if she's not with me here.
laterz
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
move forward
I am finding myself in a destructive state oh goodness what a surprise right? It has never been an issue to see my in a place of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. This entry isn't about the things I could or should be doing with my time...
This entry today is about what I've done to myself and what I'm not doing to move forward. I just finished reading some motivation of how to move forward with one's life and I'm appalled that I'm so messed up that I'm where I am, no real aspiration of how to get out of this, and no real desire to keep moving forward.
I'm getting influenced by many people in my life about what's going on in my life, what I feel or don't feel, or confused of feeling... I'm angry that these confusions are coming into my life and I'm getting tired of trying to determine these things. Why do I have to be the one to be so messed up, because reality is like someone said I like to stir everything and I like to sabotage everything in my life so that I remain content of self-destructive choices.
Without even knowing it I've been exposed to some of the greatest people in the world... Some people who have been through hell, some people who struggle now, and some very succesful people in the future or even now... What it means to be a role model, what it means to be a living example of a leader, or what sorts of barriers are preventing them.
As of last week... I've fed myself and been fed some lies or some confusing thoughts about what it means for someone to be in my life... A fine line to me of the dependency's of my history, or even the reality of how messed up I am and how stupid I am about wanting to move forward with my life...
You know these things going on these lies that have been going on I thought I could get past them, and move on and be OK.... Unfortunately this is not the case and I've been highly influenced by the voices of society, the voices of others, and their influences are making me want to sabotage all these things all these people in my life... Cause to me when I look at this confusion I see the outcome being unbearable and even moving back to square one rather than continuing with my life... Being able to continue to move forward with the right kind of support, and be able to be productive, and just be great... When I look at these thoughts I'm seeing myself sabotage and begin to move back because unconsciously I am trying to self-destruct... We are coming to the marker of what it has meant to me to be alive...
Yes you heard right...shortly we will be celebrating the anniversary of my desire to live and those decisions I made back then to be where I am now... The motivation and determination of what it means to me to have made those choices and decisions for me to move forward with my life, the great aspect of what made me want to become a cop, what it meant to me to survive every suicide attempt in this last year.
And yet... Here I am... Thinking of all the ways that are destroying me or the potential of what will happen to me if I say a word...If one piece of crap word begins to flow out of my mouth... And then we find me... stuck back here... Being influenced of the pain and realities of what is not true in my life...
What have I done? who have I talked too? and why does it matter so much to me?
I'm scared... I'm scared of losing the greatest people in my life that have helped me become the living example of what it means to follow my dreams. I'm scared and yet the more these influences come in my life the more I want those people to be set apart from me so that I don't feel that anymore... I wrote an e-mail recently explaining very clearly that no matter what I do right now... I will not succeed but I also won't fail... I have created a support system of great people, but also a support system of my people who are stuck in their stuff but also unwilling to allow me to fall apart, no one in my life will have one drink with me because they know... I have to move forward with my life... I have to become great and it's engraved in me to be great. to do great... and yet even if I wanted too.. You know where my mindset would be?? How dare I let those youth down, how dare I even allow myself to go down when I fought so hard to be where I am, and the unworthiness of my life would come into play and I would want nothing more of it..
It's a cycle of realities that I currently facing..
And yet even though I'm not making the poor decision... I'm lying to those I love because I know what's best for them... I know them knowing where I'm truly at will only destroy them and hurt them... and so I put on my facade each day that I'm alive... One day a week that's all I get to be me, to allow the brokenness be with me and other days... I'm trying so freaking hard to prove that I'm not struggling, and that I'm not hurt by the institutions of society, of people I love... and I'm stuck and I wish I could even swear...but I can't... there's no point...
This is a moment of weakness of feeling like one of the worst people in the world because I have hurt those I love tremendously... Unable to voice my inner voice of slowing but surely dying each day without even realizing how much these circumstances, this confusion has effected me...
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In today's forecast the life and story of me is that I'm going to fail and I'm going to corrupt every good thing that's ever happened to me... I'm foolish to do so, but society and influences are telling me this is what must be done...
This entry today is about what I've done to myself and what I'm not doing to move forward. I just finished reading some motivation of how to move forward with one's life and I'm appalled that I'm so messed up that I'm where I am, no real aspiration of how to get out of this, and no real desire to keep moving forward.
I'm getting influenced by many people in my life about what's going on in my life, what I feel or don't feel, or confused of feeling... I'm angry that these confusions are coming into my life and I'm getting tired of trying to determine these things. Why do I have to be the one to be so messed up, because reality is like someone said I like to stir everything and I like to sabotage everything in my life so that I remain content of self-destructive choices.
Without even knowing it I've been exposed to some of the greatest people in the world... Some people who have been through hell, some people who struggle now, and some very succesful people in the future or even now... What it means to be a role model, what it means to be a living example of a leader, or what sorts of barriers are preventing them.
As of last week... I've fed myself and been fed some lies or some confusing thoughts about what it means for someone to be in my life... A fine line to me of the dependency's of my history, or even the reality of how messed up I am and how stupid I am about wanting to move forward with my life...
You know these things going on these lies that have been going on I thought I could get past them, and move on and be OK.... Unfortunately this is not the case and I've been highly influenced by the voices of society, the voices of others, and their influences are making me want to sabotage all these things all these people in my life... Cause to me when I look at this confusion I see the outcome being unbearable and even moving back to square one rather than continuing with my life... Being able to continue to move forward with the right kind of support, and be able to be productive, and just be great... When I look at these thoughts I'm seeing myself sabotage and begin to move back because unconsciously I am trying to self-destruct... We are coming to the marker of what it has meant to me to be alive...
Yes you heard right...shortly we will be celebrating the anniversary of my desire to live and those decisions I made back then to be where I am now... The motivation and determination of what it means to me to have made those choices and decisions for me to move forward with my life, the great aspect of what made me want to become a cop, what it meant to me to survive every suicide attempt in this last year.
And yet... Here I am... Thinking of all the ways that are destroying me or the potential of what will happen to me if I say a word...If one piece of crap word begins to flow out of my mouth... And then we find me... stuck back here... Being influenced of the pain and realities of what is not true in my life...
What have I done? who have I talked too? and why does it matter so much to me?
I'm scared... I'm scared of losing the greatest people in my life that have helped me become the living example of what it means to follow my dreams. I'm scared and yet the more these influences come in my life the more I want those people to be set apart from me so that I don't feel that anymore... I wrote an e-mail recently explaining very clearly that no matter what I do right now... I will not succeed but I also won't fail... I have created a support system of great people, but also a support system of my people who are stuck in their stuff but also unwilling to allow me to fall apart, no one in my life will have one drink with me because they know... I have to move forward with my life... I have to become great and it's engraved in me to be great. to do great... and yet even if I wanted too.. You know where my mindset would be?? How dare I let those youth down, how dare I even allow myself to go down when I fought so hard to be where I am, and the unworthiness of my life would come into play and I would want nothing more of it..
It's a cycle of realities that I currently facing..
And yet even though I'm not making the poor decision... I'm lying to those I love because I know what's best for them... I know them knowing where I'm truly at will only destroy them and hurt them... and so I put on my facade each day that I'm alive... One day a week that's all I get to be me, to allow the brokenness be with me and other days... I'm trying so freaking hard to prove that I'm not struggling, and that I'm not hurt by the institutions of society, of people I love... and I'm stuck and I wish I could even swear...but I can't... there's no point...
This is a moment of weakness of feeling like one of the worst people in the world because I have hurt those I love tremendously... Unable to voice my inner voice of slowing but surely dying each day without even realizing how much these circumstances, this confusion has effected me...
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In today's forecast the life and story of me is that I'm going to fail and I'm going to corrupt every good thing that's ever happened to me... I'm foolish to do so, but society and influences are telling me this is what must be done...
Monday, April 12, 2010
plan to fail
Difficult news being presented to me... It's funny cause I've talked to three different people about my situation and the reactions of them all were completely different... I said that I wasn't sure what I was going to do after school was over...School is over in three months!!! My immediate thoughts are what am I going to do to corrupt this opportunity to graduate?
These are no the thoughts I need to be having..My next thought what am I going to do? I talked about continuing on with school but honestly the amount of money I owe is enough that I'd rather wipe that clean than try and take on another debt of a student loan, and even then... I don't really know what I want to do with my life...I think it's important for me to check out the workforce as horrible as it is before I decide what I want to do with my life.
These are not the chosen words I spoke yesterday... The interpretation I received from a friend was that money would be handed to me, the way I took that... was that I had been planning on going on welfare again... This is not the case... I've already made that decision and because of that stuff I'm in debt nearly a grand.
So now that is clear... I'm sitting here for three hours now and have applied only one job!! Trying to determine what kind of job I want, what I'm capable of doing...
Don't let my appearance deceive you... Believe me I'm honestly terrified of working... Things change, life changes, where I was weak once before I am strong now... I'm not certain of this though, and that's what makes me afraid to even decide to work.
I'm scared that if I go back into work I'm going to go back into self-destruction... Afraid to go into a certain profession and yet it's the only one I enjoy doing, and what I'm good at... To imagine me being in a office environment not going to work, to imagine me teaching little kids...not me... I can't do those things because I'm not someone who can stay inside..
I truly made some decisions in the last twelve hours... I don't know where my mindset is but I know I'm hurting, I'm feeling the repeating choices return... For the first time in forever I literally cried myself to sleep because for the first time in a long time I actually felt like I'm going to fail... No matter what I do how much I fight... I'm going to fail....
What hurt me more... was that instead of speaking... instead of making the adult decision to say anything to my dear friend... I walked away... with no real intention of returning... if I'm going to fall apart again and if my life is going to become disruptive again this time around I'm not going to put my friend through this... If I don't find stability than I don't deserve anything... I deserve the suffering I feel now the hunger, the hurt, and the deception of who I am and what I'm here for.
I was thinking about this on my way to the learning center.. Do you know if I get a job... I'm going to have to explain my dreadful scars because I can't wear a long sleeve all through summer, and I'll have to explain it in a way that makes sense... What I have come up with is that in the past I had an addiction and that addiction was self-abuse, self-destruction and through some extensive rehabilitation stuff I have found some stability and decided to attend College with a desire to have a future in the Police force. As my healing continues I realize that I would like to serve in my community until I feel fully ready to enter into the police academy... Until than I am looking for a job...
Sounds cheesy and stupid... I don't know how to explain this... This was by my own hand my own doing, I did this... I set the fall up of this brokenness in my life 34 stitches in my left arm, with some nerve damage... I did that... By my hands I have become a walking time bomb of self-destruction.
When I walked away from my dear friend... I talked to two of my greatest friends in Ontario trying to figure out the right decision... Trying to determine whether I should tell my dear friend that I'm not fully sure I can stay in Vancouver... not in a desire to run from anything... but a desire to strive for a future that's there for me... A future I struggle with reaching because as I'm in Vancouver I'm only seeing the negative... I'm only seeing the struggle and I'm only feeling the pain of the loss of friends, the pain of watching my friends make poor decisions in drinking, drugs, or whatever the case might be... Instead of being able to be a role model or mentor for them, I feel and sense myself returning to the feeble broken Jess that couldn't do anything but self-destruct because it hurt too much to watch my friends make those poor decisions and only stand at the sidelines.
I sense that my life is coming to an end... not in sense of death... but this chapter of College is coming to an end... I wish I could say I am looking productively for something else to do... or even some stability... I'm struggling to be able to recognize that I'm capable of these things, that I'm capable to comprehend those choices and decisions that may or may not define me as a role model... It's a lot more difficult when people don't give me a chance too...
Two things come to mind when thinking of my choices and decisions of the past... There are judgments that I am as messed up as my arms show I am, or I am a liability because who knows if I'm as stable as I think I am.
This is confusing time... A time of being completely and utterly alone with no real idea of what would be the best decision.
I've made a mess of things and yet even in this mess... I'm still here even if it's half ass that I'm here...
I feel the brokenness in me and it hurts and more now than before... I can't believe that I am someone who had to question the people in my life... I can't believe that I've come to this and because of it... I'm completely scared of what would be the right decision...
laterz
These are no the thoughts I need to be having..My next thought what am I going to do? I talked about continuing on with school but honestly the amount of money I owe is enough that I'd rather wipe that clean than try and take on another debt of a student loan, and even then... I don't really know what I want to do with my life...I think it's important for me to check out the workforce as horrible as it is before I decide what I want to do with my life.
These are not the chosen words I spoke yesterday... The interpretation I received from a friend was that money would be handed to me, the way I took that... was that I had been planning on going on welfare again... This is not the case... I've already made that decision and because of that stuff I'm in debt nearly a grand.
So now that is clear... I'm sitting here for three hours now and have applied only one job!! Trying to determine what kind of job I want, what I'm capable of doing...
Don't let my appearance deceive you... Believe me I'm honestly terrified of working... Things change, life changes, where I was weak once before I am strong now... I'm not certain of this though, and that's what makes me afraid to even decide to work.
I'm scared that if I go back into work I'm going to go back into self-destruction... Afraid to go into a certain profession and yet it's the only one I enjoy doing, and what I'm good at... To imagine me being in a office environment not going to work, to imagine me teaching little kids...not me... I can't do those things because I'm not someone who can stay inside..
I truly made some decisions in the last twelve hours... I don't know where my mindset is but I know I'm hurting, I'm feeling the repeating choices return... For the first time in forever I literally cried myself to sleep because for the first time in a long time I actually felt like I'm going to fail... No matter what I do how much I fight... I'm going to fail....
What hurt me more... was that instead of speaking... instead of making the adult decision to say anything to my dear friend... I walked away... with no real intention of returning... if I'm going to fall apart again and if my life is going to become disruptive again this time around I'm not going to put my friend through this... If I don't find stability than I don't deserve anything... I deserve the suffering I feel now the hunger, the hurt, and the deception of who I am and what I'm here for.
I was thinking about this on my way to the learning center.. Do you know if I get a job... I'm going to have to explain my dreadful scars because I can't wear a long sleeve all through summer, and I'll have to explain it in a way that makes sense... What I have come up with is that in the past I had an addiction and that addiction was self-abuse, self-destruction and through some extensive rehabilitation stuff I have found some stability and decided to attend College with a desire to have a future in the Police force. As my healing continues I realize that I would like to serve in my community until I feel fully ready to enter into the police academy... Until than I am looking for a job...
Sounds cheesy and stupid... I don't know how to explain this... This was by my own hand my own doing, I did this... I set the fall up of this brokenness in my life 34 stitches in my left arm, with some nerve damage... I did that... By my hands I have become a walking time bomb of self-destruction.
When I walked away from my dear friend... I talked to two of my greatest friends in Ontario trying to figure out the right decision... Trying to determine whether I should tell my dear friend that I'm not fully sure I can stay in Vancouver... not in a desire to run from anything... but a desire to strive for a future that's there for me... A future I struggle with reaching because as I'm in Vancouver I'm only seeing the negative... I'm only seeing the struggle and I'm only feeling the pain of the loss of friends, the pain of watching my friends make poor decisions in drinking, drugs, or whatever the case might be... Instead of being able to be a role model or mentor for them, I feel and sense myself returning to the feeble broken Jess that couldn't do anything but self-destruct because it hurt too much to watch my friends make those poor decisions and only stand at the sidelines.
I sense that my life is coming to an end... not in sense of death... but this chapter of College is coming to an end... I wish I could say I am looking productively for something else to do... or even some stability... I'm struggling to be able to recognize that I'm capable of these things, that I'm capable to comprehend those choices and decisions that may or may not define me as a role model... It's a lot more difficult when people don't give me a chance too...
Two things come to mind when thinking of my choices and decisions of the past... There are judgments that I am as messed up as my arms show I am, or I am a liability because who knows if I'm as stable as I think I am.
This is confusing time... A time of being completely and utterly alone with no real idea of what would be the best decision.
I've made a mess of things and yet even in this mess... I'm still here even if it's half ass that I'm here...
I feel the brokenness in me and it hurts and more now than before... I can't believe that I am someone who had to question the people in my life... I can't believe that I've come to this and because of it... I'm completely scared of what would be the right decision...
laterz
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