same streets different path

I cant wrap my mind around the life I'm living. I keep rereading my date of birth records. Clearly stating drugs an alcohol in my system. Growing up where drugs an alcohol were huge part of my upbringing. Of course like all cycles I went for it with drinking. But drugs were death to me. Losing my father at a young age to drug overdose. I knew that I never wanted that life... watched it destroy so many but people say alcohol is a drug too.. but I hardly remember allowing to consume me. Control me. Like having to drink all time or in excess. 

When I left that lifestyle just cause I became crazy. Always trying to end my life. Due to trauma. Due to so many things. I just couldn't enjoy it. So I stopped. An then a year or so later.  I got this amazing child in my life. 

But I barely recognized that I've had this kid in my life for almost six years. And I haven't had any desires to throw this life away

At no time have I decided yeah I totally wanna go back to self destruction or drink or use drugs. Maybe trying like medical shrooms or something but not throwing my life away.

And yet.. 

Friend of mine. Not sure how friendly we are. But we been around. Anyway IDK what friends do. But we don't talk all time. Don't hang out all time. We just exist an sometimes grab food. Anyway. 

Shes not doing well. An I just talked to her. An she had said she going down a not so good path. An said she going to make positive changes to end the negative shit going on

And I thought great. Let's go out. Bring our kids out. Enjoy life. 

An then. I found her. Found her on the ground. Found her intoxicated being stupid. 

Feels like what was the point in all that talk. What was the point in saying anything if all she gonna do is give up on herself 

I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. Idk what I am.

But have I spent all my time trying to support her just to have her or see her giving up on herself. 

And yet I can't get involved 

I cant get caught up in all that. It's not what I'm about anymore. I'm supposed to be cutting those people out of my life. Doing well for myself. Idk. What is the right decision. 

If she isn't willing to make the changes for herself. She isn't willing to see how her choices will continue to effect her in a bad way..

Then idk.. I cant help her. Until she willing to do shit for herself. 

memorialize the day

So I dont talk about anything really. The only person that I had in my life was by chance.

It's weird to think about. I only reached out to her because she was there. And it turned into so much for her because I relied on her for everything. I brought her into my chaotic world an I drained the life out of her at least that's how I see it now. I don't really know what she got out of being in my life. 

Regardless it was 14 yrs ago today... that I made a decision that would impact my whole world an would shatter it at the same time. 

I have little regret about the choices I made but I knew I made them for a reason. I hid the darkness away. I stayed hidden away from everyone. And it's weird...because what I didn't realized in that time...was that I was hurting more than I had led on.  An the ultimate price was coming. 

One month after today I tried to end my life. An I spent 3 weeks in hospital being forced to look at what had happened. Why it had happened. An how to move on. Let go. Or some bs idk.

I held onto this friend so tightly.. so incredibly tight. Because I was terrified of what my life would be without her. It was no longer a friendship. It was about surviving. I absolutely loved living for her. I loved hearing her rant texts. Emails. An voice-mail. It hurts me to know I won't receive those any longer.

Not because she's gone from this world. But that she is gone from mine..

Today...of all days...I felt as though I lost a piece of me. I literally never speak about it. But I know this day once a year an I feel like I have to honor the day. 

So today after...14 yrs. An who knows how long since... I am expected to climb the mountain again. Expected to see on the rock overlooking lighthouse Park. An take a moment to write an throw it away. Cause it will be words I'd speak into existence only today. An let it go all over again.

Because to me...that's my way of honoring this day. Honoring my relationship with my friend who had my back who doesn't get to see whom I've become now. 

Without fighting for a family. Without having the burden of my family. Without friends. Standing alone. Dying last year and coming back.

I'm still here.

What she doesn't know...I still can hear her laugh. I can still hear her say I love you. An although we live different lives now. I hope she is proud of who I am now

It took me forever to get out of the darkness. Took me forever to step away from my shitty family. An be on my own. An currently raising my own family. Because that's the life I'm living.

I'm constantly fighting with myself. But in random moments my son says I love you mom. An I realize I'm raising a king. 

I'm showing him the things that were never shown to me. The brutality of the world that preys on us based on the color of our skin. Our heritage. I'm showing him that the world we live is selfish. Nvm. Lol

I just trying with everything in me to raise him with realities...of what is real. What we are facing as indigenous people. An how to grow in knowledge to protect ourselves. I'm grateful when my boy says I'll protect you mom. 

When really I'd give my life for him.  

I've grown

I've grown so much in ways no one can imagine.. an I honor the sacrifices I made. But I ache for those sacrifices. I still honor who I was. An acknowledge what happened. An I choose to move forward. Keep moving forward.

Much love.

8385

5 8 9