So... it's been on my mind an because I can't email. Text or call I throw this to the universe.
I met someone wow...over 10 yrs ago... she came into my life when everything was falling apart. Where I was literally tearing at the seams. My life was choking me to death. I had gone through some traumatic stuff that I hope to not have to repeat ever.
Regardless I was supposed to work on some project for our mutual friend... and I had just found out this shitty new . An for whatever reason I totally just broke down an spilled the beans about everything to this person I knew for only short amount of time...
I'll tell you I never imagined that 10 yrs later she would forever be embedded in my soul. I literally put this woman through the hell an back rollercoaster. I was struggling so hard to find something to live for, for something to have meaning in my life. I was filled with guilt. I was filled with shame. An I was tormented by the decisions I had made in my life.
But through it all this amazing woman would not give up on me. I dont know why or how or for what reason but thinking back on it now.. I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to have her.
Regardless I guess you get the just of her... an the love an empowerment I feel regarding my relationship with her.
I just want the universe to give her love...joy an happiness. For giving me a chance after chance. For being a huge part of my success story.
If not for her faith and love with me... I would not be here today.
I guess the reason it's on my mind... is because recently I went through something with family drama... an for the first time in a REALLY long time I had the addictive destructive urges I once had.. an it made me wish I could pick up the phone just to hear her voice. Just to hear her say she loved me or that everything was going to be ok.
Regardless I didnt do anything. Except look into my sons eyes an give him a really big hug..
Everything I do now effects him. So believe me.. true mom through an through an the urges left or subsided.
But i dont want it to effect my life to have power of me. Which is why im writing the world hoping to release it from my house.
An to shout out to the woman I will love forever. She is forever engraved on my soul. I will never forget. An I hope one day I can return her kindness an love.
Thx
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Family drama
Family drama.. constant thing in life, it's always someone is selfish, someone is purposely hurting someone else.
So when I was younger early adult hood.. I confessed something to someone I trusted... the worst part of it was I regret it.. regardless I basically made a suicide pact with a friend. My life was ugly... I was ashamed of who I was, an I was tired of being belittled an hurt by my moms boyfriend. I had started self harming years earlier an it was intense. My friend life was just as terrible as mine.. so we made a suicide blood pact to end our lives.
I told a friend I trusted about everything all the pain in my heart an soul. The shame an just everything. This friend of mine heard about this place in Ontario. It was a place to help girls with their life controlling problems. Ranging from addictions, abuse an trauma the main focus was christianity an acceptance within jesus or God.
My friend helped me make the decision to give it a try rather than ending my life. So by the time I turned 18 yrs old I decided to check out this program. My friend then was drawn to help me an support me? She paid for my first bit to get into the program an she also paid my plane ticket to fly across canada.
It was the hardest scariest decision I had ever made in my life but I did it because I decided I wanted to live. I decided that I no longer wanted to die. An my only idea of getting out of it was getting help.
Regardless I was gone... I packed up one suitcase an left. I left the only city I had ever grown up in, I left my brothers an sisters, an I left my mom.
I thought it was the right thing to do for myself.. I didnt see it as being selfish, or not caring for my brothers an sisters. In my eyes I was doing this for them. I didn't want my addictions anymore, I found light, hope, in the grace of God.
I left for Ontario for 5 yrs.
I came back to British Columbia because of the traumatic events happening in my family. It was the hardest thing I had to do. In Ontario I was happy, in ontario I was living. I felt that I met the love of my life, I felt like I knew the direction my life was meant to go. But I gave it up to come back home.
Was hard...
But I made it work... I worked very hard to build my way back into my families lives..
But sadly... the hardest part of it all... is my brother an sister hold it over my head.. about leaving. Even though they are adults now how could they not see it. I've told them repeatedly the situation I was in...
Even returning to BC i had a hard time adjusting.. I went back to my old ways.. I think it nearly killed me again.. until my big fall..
Since then I've been present... I've been clean and sober an its not even what I think about. You know when people are new to not drinking an something bad happens they immediately think about drinking. Im far past that.
I've been able to stay clean and sober. An it took approx 17 yrs for me to let go of my self harm stuff. I worked so hard to build up my life in BC... including letting go of the person I thought I was meant to love forever in Ontario.
An even in all that. My brother an sister still attack me with their thoughts an hurts of feeling abandoned. Feeling like I didnt love them. An it hurts like hell. I worked so hard to build my life here.. an am so sad it's been I think just over 10 yrs since I returned.
Got to go my son won't let me write
So when I was younger early adult hood.. I confessed something to someone I trusted... the worst part of it was I regret it.. regardless I basically made a suicide pact with a friend. My life was ugly... I was ashamed of who I was, an I was tired of being belittled an hurt by my moms boyfriend. I had started self harming years earlier an it was intense. My friend life was just as terrible as mine.. so we made a suicide blood pact to end our lives.
I told a friend I trusted about everything all the pain in my heart an soul. The shame an just everything. This friend of mine heard about this place in Ontario. It was a place to help girls with their life controlling problems. Ranging from addictions, abuse an trauma the main focus was christianity an acceptance within jesus or God.
My friend helped me make the decision to give it a try rather than ending my life. So by the time I turned 18 yrs old I decided to check out this program. My friend then was drawn to help me an support me? She paid for my first bit to get into the program an she also paid my plane ticket to fly across canada.
It was the hardest scariest decision I had ever made in my life but I did it because I decided I wanted to live. I decided that I no longer wanted to die. An my only idea of getting out of it was getting help.
Regardless I was gone... I packed up one suitcase an left. I left the only city I had ever grown up in, I left my brothers an sisters, an I left my mom.
I thought it was the right thing to do for myself.. I didnt see it as being selfish, or not caring for my brothers an sisters. In my eyes I was doing this for them. I didn't want my addictions anymore, I found light, hope, in the grace of God.
I left for Ontario for 5 yrs.
I came back to British Columbia because of the traumatic events happening in my family. It was the hardest thing I had to do. In Ontario I was happy, in ontario I was living. I felt that I met the love of my life, I felt like I knew the direction my life was meant to go. But I gave it up to come back home.
Was hard...
But I made it work... I worked very hard to build my way back into my families lives..
But sadly... the hardest part of it all... is my brother an sister hold it over my head.. about leaving. Even though they are adults now how could they not see it. I've told them repeatedly the situation I was in...
Even returning to BC i had a hard time adjusting.. I went back to my old ways.. I think it nearly killed me again.. until my big fall..
Since then I've been present... I've been clean and sober an its not even what I think about. You know when people are new to not drinking an something bad happens they immediately think about drinking. Im far past that.
I've been able to stay clean and sober. An it took approx 17 yrs for me to let go of my self harm stuff. I worked so hard to build up my life in BC... including letting go of the person I thought I was meant to love forever in Ontario.
An even in all that. My brother an sister still attack me with their thoughts an hurts of feeling abandoned. Feeling like I didnt love them. An it hurts like hell. I worked so hard to build my life here.. an am so sad it's been I think just over 10 yrs since I returned.
Got to go my son won't let me write
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