Family drama

Family drama.. constant thing in life, it's always someone is selfish, someone is purposely hurting someone else.
So when I was younger early adult hood.. I confessed something to someone I trusted... the worst part of it was I regret it.. regardless I basically made a suicide pact with a friend. My life was ugly... I was ashamed of who I was, an I was tired of being belittled an hurt by my moms boyfriend. I had started self harming years earlier an it was intense. My friend life was just as terrible as mine..  so we made a suicide blood pact to end our lives.
I told a friend I trusted about everything all the pain in my heart an soul. The shame an just everything.  This friend of mine heard about this place in Ontario. It was a place to help girls with their life controlling problems. Ranging from addictions, abuse an trauma the main focus was christianity an acceptance within jesus or God.
My friend helped me make the decision to give it a try rather than ending my life. So by the time I turned 18 yrs old I decided to check out this program. My friend then was drawn to help me an support me? She paid for my first bit to get into the program an she also paid my plane ticket to fly across canada.
It was the hardest scariest decision I had ever made in my life but I did it because I decided I wanted to live. I decided that I no longer wanted to die.  An my only idea of getting out of it was getting help.
Regardless I was gone... I packed up one suitcase an left. I left the only city I had ever grown up in, I left my brothers an sisters, an I left my mom.
I thought it was the right thing to do for myself.. I didnt see it as being selfish, or not caring for my brothers an sisters. In my eyes I was doing this for them. I didn't want my addictions anymore, I found light, hope, in the grace of God.
I left for Ontario for 5 yrs.
I came back to British Columbia because of the traumatic events happening in my family. It was the hardest thing I had to do. In Ontario I was happy, in ontario I was living. I felt that I met the love of my life, I felt like I knew the direction my life was meant to go. But I gave it up to come back home.
Was hard...
But I made it work... I worked very hard to build my way back into my families lives..
But sadly... the hardest part of it all... is my brother an sister hold it over my head.. about leaving. Even though they are adults now how could they not see it.  I've told them repeatedly the situation I was in...
Even returning to BC i had a hard time adjusting..  I went back to my old ways.. I think it nearly killed me again.. until my big fall..
Since then I've been present... I've been clean and sober an its not even what I think about. You know when people are new to not drinking an something bad happens they immediately think about drinking.  Im far past that.
I've been able to stay clean and sober. An it took approx 17 yrs for me to let go of my self harm stuff. I worked so hard to build up my life in BC... including letting go of the person I thought I was meant to love forever in Ontario.
An even in all that. My brother an sister still attack me with their thoughts an hurts of feeling abandoned. Feeling like I didnt love them. An it hurts like hell. I worked so hard to build my life here.. an am so sad it's been I think just over 10 yrs since I returned.
Got to go my son won't let me write