I know it's getting old to talk about.. but I guess if you didn't know my entire story about how i got a kid in my life.. then IDK how to explain it..
I can't imagine having him leave my life or think of me as anything less than.
I have cared very deeply for this handsome boy since the moment he was born, I have always watched out for him. I cherish him with every fibre of my being. I can't imagine ever living without him in my life.
I couldn't imagine doing what his mom is doing and just forgetting about him and i know in a small way she is never really forgetting him but she is definitely not being there for him. I just went through my photos i guess feeling sentimental but I just see how much he has grown..
how happy I was when he said Baba, how sad I was when he said dada. and now he says mom, mama not knowing what mom or mama means yet.. but now he's learned to say Up which means bitch pick me up. lol
I have watched him learn to crawl. I have watched him have each tooth come in, and I have watched him learn to stand, and him to see the expression on my face about how proud I am of him.
I don't know what the future holds for him. I don't want to put huge expectations on him but even just for him to have a chance to grow up around a family that is not abusing drugs and alcohol and with giving him the tools for success.. I just can hope for the best, but my love for him is eternal, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to make me stop loving him.
I'm having a hard time... its 3 months away from having him with me permanently and what that process looks like.. i have never ever adopted, or had a child.. .and I am sure the process for this is more extensive than what Im doing.
I don't know if I'll fail.. and Im also certain that I will.. fail at raising him as there is no perfect parent, we do our best with what we have and I definitely will give him my whole heart and believe in him and support him in all I can..
I just hope he grows up at least at the very least knowing that he is loved and that I will never leave his side.
its been hard believe me... its a learning process and I have to learn to cook, and learn to get into a routine... and make his life as structured as the world allows because apparently he depends on that... consistency and repetition.
alirght I'm crashing... I just wanted to tell the world that I absolutely love my handsome nephew and I hope to give him a good life, and I Hope that his mom makes the right decision and walks away.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
New Parent
I cannot even begin to describe the time I have had since taking care of my nephew, and how much my life has DRASTICALLY changed! I not only moved out of my home, and got him into daycare, I also have a new job...
I have been back to work consistently since April.... I cannot tell you enough how amazing it is to be able to buy food, to pay for insurance, gas, to buy myself clothes and shoes and tattoos! ahaha
I think I love my job... I think right now just getting through the rough edges is my obstacle and a lot of that is just not knowing people, and people not knowing me. I sort of wish that I could steal my friend or friends from Vancouver and have them come out here and get my back.. I feel so small sometimes and it's hard to be great at my job when I feel that way... constantly wondering, questioning and making sure i'm doing my job properly. and I don't know how to make it better, except that I know I make mistakes and i know I try my best almost everyday...
regardless being back in the working life... getting the money to take care of us!
Do you know what it's like to be a parent! OMFG! I remember when I thought this was just temporary and how it was only 3 months, the first what month I had to deal with colic baby. and then it was nice and beautiful... and now we are in 7 months of this.... and I am a pro all star. Joking I don't think anyone can be perfect at parenting.. even in this I make mistakes, and I wonder everyday if he knows how much I love him. and how much I give up for him. I was talking to my friend today and I was like its been FOREVER since I went out and had a nice steak at the Keg, or gone to see a movie. because all my babysitters have to be pre-approved by his social worker...... Only one person came forward and even then its rare that I get that time.
I definitely feel disconnected from everyone.... all my friends are far away and living whatever great lives, and all my friends are NOT parents or have been parents for some time.. so it's hard for them to understand... I cannot sit on my phone forever, I cannot be on Facebook, cannot pay too much attention to anything because the kid just demands my attention, and I also don't want to be on those things if I can be spending time with him. my favourite is still he snuggles...
When he's happy or sad he will place his head on my chest almost like this is is safe zone.. there's definitely nothing like it..
now whether his mom is going to get him back... this I don't know... I have hoped she would just give him up and that I could apply for full custody of the kid, so that I can make appropriate changes in my life... such as permanent housing (if that even exists) and setting us up... I want to set up some sort of trust fund for him.. an all that stuff.... I want to provide good life for him... I still have lots to learn though... an its been fun and learning experiences...
I have to find a balance of everything. cause right now its just him and I... when I'm at work he is at daycare, but when I'm off... we just spend that time together without anyone else... I hope that I can incorporate people in our lives so that we aren't always alone although sometimes I think he prefers that
I guess for right now.. I'm just trying to find the perseverance to keep moving forward in a time that is difficult... without the pillars of strength (friends) or support at all it's been tough and its definitely very different from my old job... I definitely miss that..
anyway that was quick update I have so much on my mind I can't sleep and hopefully this helped some of the areas, just reminding myself that I'm human, and that my priorities are the kid and the providing for him... and my health
Keep Moving Forward <3 nbsp="" p="">
I have been back to work consistently since April.... I cannot tell you enough how amazing it is to be able to buy food, to pay for insurance, gas, to buy myself clothes and shoes and tattoos! ahaha
I think I love my job... I think right now just getting through the rough edges is my obstacle and a lot of that is just not knowing people, and people not knowing me. I sort of wish that I could steal my friend or friends from Vancouver and have them come out here and get my back.. I feel so small sometimes and it's hard to be great at my job when I feel that way... constantly wondering, questioning and making sure i'm doing my job properly. and I don't know how to make it better, except that I know I make mistakes and i know I try my best almost everyday...
regardless being back in the working life... getting the money to take care of us!
Do you know what it's like to be a parent! OMFG! I remember when I thought this was just temporary and how it was only 3 months, the first what month I had to deal with colic baby. and then it was nice and beautiful... and now we are in 7 months of this.... and I am a pro all star. Joking I don't think anyone can be perfect at parenting.. even in this I make mistakes, and I wonder everyday if he knows how much I love him. and how much I give up for him. I was talking to my friend today and I was like its been FOREVER since I went out and had a nice steak at the Keg, or gone to see a movie. because all my babysitters have to be pre-approved by his social worker...... Only one person came forward and even then its rare that I get that time.
I definitely feel disconnected from everyone.... all my friends are far away and living whatever great lives, and all my friends are NOT parents or have been parents for some time.. so it's hard for them to understand... I cannot sit on my phone forever, I cannot be on Facebook, cannot pay too much attention to anything because the kid just demands my attention, and I also don't want to be on those things if I can be spending time with him. my favourite is still he snuggles...
When he's happy or sad he will place his head on my chest almost like this is is safe zone.. there's definitely nothing like it..
now whether his mom is going to get him back... this I don't know... I have hoped she would just give him up and that I could apply for full custody of the kid, so that I can make appropriate changes in my life... such as permanent housing (if that even exists) and setting us up... I want to set up some sort of trust fund for him.. an all that stuff.... I want to provide good life for him... I still have lots to learn though... an its been fun and learning experiences...
I have to find a balance of everything. cause right now its just him and I... when I'm at work he is at daycare, but when I'm off... we just spend that time together without anyone else... I hope that I can incorporate people in our lives so that we aren't always alone although sometimes I think he prefers that
I guess for right now.. I'm just trying to find the perseverance to keep moving forward in a time that is difficult... without the pillars of strength (friends) or support at all it's been tough and its definitely very different from my old job... I definitely miss that..
anyway that was quick update I have so much on my mind I can't sleep and hopefully this helped some of the areas, just reminding myself that I'm human, and that my priorities are the kid and the providing for him... and my health
Keep Moving Forward <3 nbsp="" p="">
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