deadbeat dad

I realize more and more why I refuse to have children... there's so much uncertainty in this world, if couples will stay together for benefit of a kid, or even make a plan to go to counselling, have date night, what ever it takes to stay together...
I have watched for the past 2 to 3 weeks my sister pine over a deadbeat dad, who bailed on his son... he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't care about his family. he basically uses my sister for all this stuff and when she has nothing he F's off and goes sleeping with other women, and doing drugs and drinking. he is incapable of being a father, and is no good to Elijah.
I hate the world that accepts this disappointment.. I feel more hurt that I believed him... in the hospital and the first 2 weeks, he spouted all this b.s that he's going to be a great dad, and great parent, great boyfriend, and how he's going to wear matching clothes, how he's going to teach his son all this b.s and yet after two weeks he gave up.
he called my sister with b.s like he is scared, he doesn't want to do it, and he is going to sign over full custody to my sister, and then turns back on it. he threatens to get my sister in trouble and get Elijah taken away from him. and then if not that then he gets in his b.s addiction and depression stating he's going to harm himself, because his heart is going to give out.
I seriously despise him.. I have missed 5 days out of Elijah life... 5 F'in days out of his life! I am willing and able to take on Elijah full time! I offered and everything.. I am preparing my home for Elijah to be with me at the drop of a hat, because their relationship is so unstable... anything could happen, and if Elijah safety becomes an issue than they will call me.
I don't want Elijah forever, my sister is a great mom.. she loves him so much, and she's changed so much.. she fights for her son! she doesn't drink, she doesn't f' off every 5 minutes to make poor choices. she chooses everyday to be there for her son.. and for that I applaud her, and I'm so proud of her.
the only downfall for my sister is the idiot boyfrend, not even boyfriend he's the deadbeat dad who when he feels like giving my sister attention he comes around.. and then pays my other sister to watch Elijah rather then getting up and taking care of his own kid, he even refuses to hold his own kid seriously what the F!
I have barely let Elijah go, tomorrow I am buying him a swing, diapers, milk and more warm onesies, and what has his father done? his father has lied and lied and lied... his father has decided junk food, drugs and alcohol are more important than his own kid.. which sadly is the reality of the world where I am from.. but when I spoke with deadbeat he told me he'd be great, he spouted all this b.s that I believed.. so unless I can punch him in the face and kick him in the junk, and tell him to go to detox where he'd actually listen to me.. that is the only time I'll actually listen to him, and give him a grain of salt of respect for anything.

basically when he stops being so F selfish... when he decides to make the choice my sister made when her son was born, and when that day comes! Maybe I'll have respect for him.. MAYBE.
I don't like be disappointed and so far he's done nothing that has caught my attention, and he has done nothing that is worth my time.

It's insane... Elijah was born one month ago... greatest kid ever... I love that they came to visit me at work.. even though not only did elijah spit up on me, he also peed so much that went through his diaper and onto my shirt.. haha
Id take that any day of the week, rather than feel any bad feelings toward him. and I hope when he grows up, that he remembers me... and knows how much I love him,and how much I'm looking out for him..
I'm sure I'll be his crazy aunt! but I'll be able to love him unconditionally and without question..
but it had me thinking for sure..

I thought how great it would be to go through that terrible process to have the greatest gift ever! to have a kid... and as much as I want that! as much as I'd love to have a baby to love, and to grow them up in a beautiful way, and let them be who they are, and teach them our language, traditions, and culture etc. or even how to do soccer and whatever the kid wants to learn.. and travel with them at a young age, or whatever the case may be.
I always thought I wouldn't want kids...but my baby craze has  me clipped on this idea that I want a kid... I want to share the love I have and to teach beautiful things, and to feel that connections only mothers have with their children.. but..
but.... the world we live in is cold.. the world we live in is dark... and yes light can shine in darkness, but it won't always work, sometimes darkness snuffs out the light... sometimes things are so dark and turmoil that it's just unbearable..
I couldn't raise a kid in a world like this... I am still discriminated against, I still am the minority, and I still am living in a world where people are talking about nuclear missiles, and war, and whatever else.. let alone not to forget... that there are thousands of abandoned children in Social Service system, there are children starving in 3rd world countries that could probably love some help.
My only option if I'm ever in any position would be to become a foster parent.... as much as I want to share my life with a baby, I think that becoming a foster parent is the next best thing, to be able to love young people, teenagers, or whatever the case may be.. to make a change in people's lives, to even just tell someone that I believe in them..
this would be just about as fulfilling as having a baby.. and that's why I won't have a baby.. there are so many First Nations children that are in the system who need nice homes that aren't racist, and aren't calling our parents dirty indians etc. Idk that's juts my experience from when I was in foster care, I only had 2 families that actually loved me, everyone else treated me badly..

I am just confused...and hurt right now.

#FOE

I've been pretty quiet lately only because I'm absolutely going crazy and losing my mind with the chaos of life.. and mainly.. that I've worn myself thin with trying to help my family specifically my sister who just had a baby... I've been going there for about 20 days straight, everyday after work I'm there, when my nephew opens his eyes he sees me. and I tried.. to tell my sister all these ideas, and all these back up plans that if she needed help with this or that.. I tried to be that for her.. believe me I love my nephew.. I love him beyond all things.. there is no greater love than what I have for my nephew. I even looked it up in my native language about how to call my nephew by our language. I decided I could call him nephew in First Nation language "Stí:wel" which means nephew. I figured I'd let him grow up hearing me call him that..
I have pictures of everyday of being with him, I even have taken pictures of his hands and his feet and his head. lol I'm the one that he sleeps on my chest, head close  to my lower chin, and he curls up and just stays there as it's his most comfortable place. I bought all these things for him so that of all things, he'd not go without.
I know it's extreme I'm sure it is.. but I didn't realize how much I love kids, or this kid.. there's something beautiful about this kid coming into the world.. but I'll still refuse to have my own kids, after everything I've seen in this world.. there's no way I can do it

so on top of this.. my sister boyfriend. baby daddy, piece of garbage... at the hospital.. he talked.. talked about how much he'd be there, how much he'd give up so much for his son, how they are going to dress the same, how he's going to be this that and the other thing.. and then he fucked off.. he left on Friday saying that he can't do it.. my sister was hurt.. i was angry. and he basically ignored my sister and his son for about 5 days, and now it's social assistance week, and he comes crawling back to my sister because she will have money.. and she's buying him this and that and bulshit after bulshit. she's not smart.. as soon as Friday hits he will be gone, knowing he spent all her money, and did all this shit to her.. and he'll leave, he has already made it clear that he doesn't care about my sister, he's already said that he wants custody of their son. This guy has done nothing but cut my sister down, telling her how incompitent she is, how she isn't a good mom, or how she isn't pretty or some abusive cycle that if I see him.. I'll punch him in the fuckin face.
And my sister... she lets him.. she lets him come back, she lets him walk all over her. treat her like garbage and take take take and then fuck off.. she lets it happen..
and I can't stand by and watch. I decided to put my foot down and say fuck this.. I don't want this guy around my nephew, don't want him near me.. and so of course my sister gets stupid and decides to step away from me..
now I don't even have my sister or my nephew.

The cycle of abuse.. the abuser..the abuse person.. I cannot describe enough how hard it is for me to stand by and watch this shit happen... but I work in places that have these exact things happening.. and so.. I know.. the only way I can deal with this is.. is to step away.. and wait.. and when my sister is ready... she'll hopefully make the right choice for her and her son.
Believe me... I want to be there to support my sister to encourage her all these things.. but right now she's refusing to listen to me, alls she thinks is that he's good for his son.. but that's not true.. he won't even remember this guy cause he's going to fuck off. because that's exactly who he is..
my sister tells me give him a chance.. if he wanted to be taken seriously he'd go to detox, he'd go to treatment he'd get the help he needs to get away from drugs and alcohol. and he'd stop cutting down my sister telling her how ugly she is, or how this that or other thing.. but he doesn't and so therefore I see no change and the cycle continues.. and I'm disappointed

the downfall for this for me.. is that I lose the connection with my nephew. I don't get to see him, don't get to hold him. today I went out and bought him a few items.. that he might like, I got a new baby on board sign for my car.. and now... that's all gone.. it hurts like my heart is being ripped from my chest... I absolutely love this kid and now just like that.. he's gone...
I stand my ground... even though I'm losing those valuable beautiful moments with my nephew.
I don't know how to stand up for my sister. all's I can do is to continue to support her and tell her what she hopefully already knows, that this is wrong and that's it's not normal for a man to say shit like he does, or act the way he does... I mean he goes off and sleeps with other women... seriously what is my sister thinking.. but I think he has her so entangled...
I will wait till it all falls apart again.. and hope to continue to tell her that she deserves better, and so does her son..

I just wish.. it wasn't so hard to show them you know.. show her what I see in her! show her that she deserves better... and even if that better comes along, she'll probably fight it because she'll think she doesn't deserve it or something. IDK>
I pray one thing... that she sees the truth soon! and that she fights for full custody of her son..

until than...my heart is broken knowing I can't see my nephew.

having a crisis

I feel like a loser...

First off, yesterday July 31, 2017 at 10:10AM, my sister delivered her son Elijah into this world, and for that I'm so proud of her... she also let me be in the delivery room with her.. absolutely amazing but not a lot of pictures I can share with the world lol.

Anyway.. Im a loser because I have a huge debt... and instead of asking for help or getting help.. I did nothing... and now... as a result of my irresponsibility my accounts at the bank have been frozen, the bank wants at least 500 dollars of  payment for an account I no longer have access too.

Believe me... its the worst feeling.. I had 95 dollars left.. that was to pay my hydro and the rest was for my food... and having zero dollars, and hearing that no matter what I do my account will remain frozen until the bank get something from me.. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have 500 dollars lying around, and I don't gamble, don't go to bingo, so I can't afford to somehow magically come up with money to pay off the debt that's over 10, 000 dollars..

On top of this... my vehicle.. I took it in to get the brakes done, and the oil checked.. and instead of a simple what 200 dollars, the place tells me that theres severe issue with this and that and it will cost over a thousand dollars.. at no time in the all the idiotic times that I've been to repair shop has anyone mentioned or told me this, and instead let it wear out, so currently only one side of my car is fixed, and that in itself too all my money  from my payday.

so no money.. no food. no gas, no coffee... not even a piece of bread.. I'm dying.. and I'm and idiot.. I had planned along time ago to go away for the long weekend, but I'm afraid now..because I'm going without any money, and I basically paid for the nonrefundable hotel so I can't even get my money back.. to cancel my trip

I honestly feel like killing self.. and I feel like quitting my job, and stop collecting so much money and blowing it on things, it's time to be poor and have nothing.. but it also would mean that Im choosing to become homeless..
I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make it to my next payday, I don't even know how i'm going to get the money from my work for any payment of anything.. I'm completely screwed..
I just don't know what to do.. besides have thoughts and desires about wanting to give up.. because I now see NO way out of this..