I cant even count on one hand how many times I went so low to almost ending it. An couple of those times nearly succeeded. I had some great supports in my life. Real life heros. That I recognize now that were only there for a short period of time. Recently I asked a friend from my teenage years. I asked her why she knocked on my door that day. Why that neighborhood. I loved her response. She wasn't meant to just sit in church but to actual show love to the community. I just happened to be in. But that door knock introduced me to a love I had never known. In real life a love that even love itself was love. To have spent the previous 12 or 14 years in darkness an pain. An to have someone random woman knock on my door introduced me to beauty. Pure love. Etx. I realize now I was searching for love. Once I had it in church in Jesus. I needed it. Like a drug. Something so simple that maybe majority of people recognize as love. I did not know. I remember when I was a bit older. When I moved to Ontario. Was the hardest thing I had ever done. But Betty Spence ensured it would happen and that id not fulfill my vow. I made a pack with one of my childhood friends. Because our lives were garbage. Our lives were horrible. She was telling me that her father was abusing her. And I was trying to save her. We had a pack to commit suicide together. Cause our lives were pain. Torment. Sadness and we thought we only had each other. But it was one of those things. From analogy from the guardian.
Drowning victim clung to his wife drowning her out of pure instinct to not die. Not caring for anyone.
When I was young. I cared for my friends. An I wanted to save them. But I was drowning too. I was in my own turmoil at home. And I was hurting
When i finally confessed to Betty my plans. She changed my life.
(It changed my life but it destroyed everyone who counted on me. They thought I abandoned them. Cause they didn't know i was planning to commit suicide) idk if they even know that to this day.
She sent me to NLGH.
I tried to stay in Ontario. I did finish school. I was planning on getting married. An building a life with someone. And just every good thing that I deserved was finally coming to life. Finally all my hard work. All My devotion.
Until I got told the truth. Here in BC. My family was going to courts... to deal with a child molester. A man I trusted. A man the courts say I pushed to the brick of sanity. That made him do what he did. I got angry. I couldn't go home. I couldn't be with my life in Ontario.
So I came back. I came back to the darkness. I came back to the heartache an pain. When your a light in darkness the world around you just snuffs you out. And once again the cycle of pain an torment. Death. Suicidal thought. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Until one day I met someone. Someone who showed me love. Someone who believed in me. I clung to her thr same suffocation of trying to survive. Trying to live for her. I put her through hell. I broke her in so many ways emotionally. Physically. I was a hot mess. I was a child. I was in trauma. Reliving that the faults of that man. My lack of protecting my own family. It took me years to get through it. Each time id fall she'd be there. She'd give me a life raft. An what was more is she was broken. She was bruised. She was crazy. And she fit into my life like she'd always belonged by my side. It wasn't that we were drowning in one another. It was that we were lifting each other up.
When she moved. It was difficult. I wanted to follow. But then all the stuff came up with my kid. An once again family. Family family. The most important part of my heart and soul is family. So I've stayed. I've never forgotten her. Never will I. We have tattoos together. She took a giant piece of my heart with her. She was my friend. My closest friend. My ride or die friend. An she was my world. Waking up each morning after almost dying or going into surgery an her being there. There is no greater love. To have that. Hearing her laugh. Seeing her smile. Feeling her beautiful hugs full of love.
But its been seven years... since she left. Since then. I died again. Lol not on purpose. I had multiple car accidents (not my fault) and had many milestones of birthdays an holidays.
We are human. We desire connection. We strive for it. But we also need to learn to let go. I often. Think of all the powerful women in my life who shared pieces of their soul with me. It makes me think of that poem in chicken soup. How pieces of person heartache leave holes in us. An when we meet others. We share pieces of ourselves with one another. An for some. For the warriors they are living their best lives with pieces of everyone.
For me. The people... would be a long list of men and women who believed in me. Stood by me. An refused to let death have it's day in my life. Even tho I tried. Or it tried to take me.
I always wondered why... why the heck am I here. And every morning I wake up with my kid in my arms. And a love and joy he has. He's being raised with none of my trauma (well not as much trauma). None of my pain of starving. Or having drunk addicted parents.
I am here to ensure he has a great future. And I love him more than anything in the world. But I do hope. I do wish. That his parents would get their shit together and come. Come see your son. I have never claimed him as my son. I always call him my kid. Because I am fully aware my sister is his bio mom. I am just the mom here everyday raising him. Until she comes back. An if she could see. He's such a beautiful person. The best parts of our family.
Please come back. Because we miss you.
And my lady. Thank you for all the great memories. I will cherish our friendship always and forever. You are my ride or die.
To all the people. I am surviving. I am living. I am not giving up. Even though darkness is set in my soul as I write. And even though I cut. Sometimes. I'm trying to get it together. There aren't as good of friends in my life. More people trying to take from me more than I have to give.
I just had to say that..... I'm here
I'm here. And I'm trying not to give up.
I'm not trying to die. I'm trying to live. Because i haven't even seen the world. Need new friends. Lol people who want to get out of here. Not stay here. But enjoy the world. Got no friends like that as of yet.
But maybe one day. I'll show my kid the world. We always make plans. Just waiting till He a bit older to bring him all around.
Keep Moving Forward.
