losing their mind

I've spent years... an years. Defending my spot as my kids parent/guardian

I am clear as I can. I did not go out of my way to steal motherhood. Or purposefully mislead

I was honest on a night out his birth mom had. But she left her kid with the father. The same father who previously wondered the streets intoxicated.  Who didn't change his diaper or feed him properly.

I made a judgement call

An it was up to children and family emergency workers to determine if the child was unsafe. Unfortunately he was deemed unsafe with his parents.

I was the only relative who lived outside the home on my own with a stable job.

So when they asked me to care for him I said ok. Because they told me this was temporary.  The mom needed three months of rest an taking care of herself an she'd get him back.

Within one month of me having her kid. She physically assaulted our mom. An got evicted an started using drugs hard-core drugs.

After three months they said let's reevaluate after three more months let her figure stuff out. An instead of that. She destroyed her life. She started using hard-core drugs an started who knows what.. 

After a year went by. The social worker asked me. If I'd consider doing this longer. No other option meaning no other family members could care for him.

No other family members with a job an stable home. I agreed.

After thr year his birth mom signed documents allowing me to permanently care for her kid.

I did not steal him I did not conspire to steal him.

I've spent seven years of my life. Destroying my home an being rehoused.  I left my job. Just to care for him.

With the help of the ceo of the company I work for. I was able to get housing an opportunity to a new job. An seven years later.

The streets are talking. Meaning his parents an any people who listen an to spit bs about me stealing children an preventing them from getting help or proper housing.

I did not steal this kid. I do not have other families children an no I would not consider to do this for any other family members an their kids.

I didn't ask for this.

However

You will not see me faulter. 

I will stand up for this kid. I will love him unconditionally. I will give him the tools to own the world. An I will hug him every day. An tuck him in every night. I will always be there for my family.

An if nothing else about my character is real. What is real is that I've never bailed on this kid. Or my family. 

I'm tired of hearing people say I've done them wrong. I haven't done nothing to no one. I live in my home. I work my job an I go home.

Leave me the F alone.

I am so done. So done with all this slander. All this bs an lies that I've done them wrong. I haven't been no where or stolen nothing.

I live in my bubble. An I care for this kid an that is all I f do.

family

So.. for what feels like the first time. I am being put in a category that I don't feel I belong too. My youngest brother asked for my help. But for me instead of jumping at the chance.  I had to contemplate an weigh my options because the ask was large. 

Instead of my brother considering that I had to consider my kid. My life. My loss of what he was asking. Which of course is money 💰.  I didn't respond because I hesitated. I felt angry.

He knew I wasn't going shopping. Wasn't buying anything. Wasn't doing much to take care of me. But of course everything moon an stars for my kid. 

So I felt upset to hear that he was asking for money. And instead he assumed I was ignoring him. An blasted my family including me on FB. An obviously doesn't make me want to help any faster. Because his selfish choices are asking me a single parent to do something I wasn't sure I could do.

Its been bothering me. Because of all people I'll always support my shady family. Even when they never do much to support me when I need a day. When I wanna see a movie. Go for dinner. Go out for one night away from my kid.

For me. I work all day an when I'm done work I'm full time mom which means I do nothing to benefit myself. Take care of myself. .

What difference what it have made if I helped him. It's like we're all if you do this for me I'll do that for u. Instead of hey I wanna spend time with my grandson or nephew. It's never like that. Never consideration for my well being

And the reason I'm writing now is because the person! The one person I strongly believe these people are hurting. Taking advantage of. Or losing out on is my kid. They are losing out on opportunity to be apart of his life. To repeatedly hear that it's his favorite uncle. 

Do you know how much it hurts him. To have him know. I cant bring him over to grandma's house because his favorite uncle doesn't want to acknowledge or talk to me. An therefore the person that hurts or feels that pain is a little kid.

Who basically once. Worshipped the ground his uncle walked on. 

.it makes me upset. It makes me angry. Fine tell me I'm a terrible person.  Never speak to me. Don't care! Don't wall off my kid. That's fuckin selfish

.

today.

So... usually I'd take off today an do something for myself but I thought I didn't have one friend I could call to not explain what today was but that I just needed to be elsewhere.

An the other part of it is that I'm working a few different jobs right now. So I couldn't take the day if I wanted too. 

So I went to work an I was able to get So busy I wasn't even able to pay attention to the day. Now that my day of work is complete. My thoughts are about Karma.

Today I found a guy's wallet on the side of the road. An I helped him get it back. An on a complete other note one of my workers lost her jacket an two phones an instead of letting it be she went to search. An got it back.

The most unrealistic circumstances. It's always if it was anyone else. They'd have taken this or that.

But for me. I just couldn't steal from someone. I know what it's like to lose everything. I've had that happen an i just couldn't do that to someone..

An by choosing this. Good things happen as a result. 

It's been a day. A day where I'm feeling the weight the physical weight of the day and altho it's sunny an beautiful i feel exhausted. 

I'm grateful for how far I've come. I'm grateful for the life I'm given.

Someone brought a child to my office an I didn't have that giggly feeling that women or people get around children or babies. I didn't hate the little kid. But I also didn't wanna hold the baby or kiss the baby. It's not who I am. An now I'm a mom. But it wasn't planned. I always stood my ground of the world we live in.

There is so much chaos for any child an how to prepare them for all this chaos. I hope I do well but I'm also prepared to know I'm going to fail. 

Hopefully my kid will learn from his mistakes or at least recognize right and wrong. An know what's good or bad. An that he survives the end of the world. But other than preparing him there isn't more I could do for him. 

Idk. I just had to say. Thank you. Thank you for letting me live. Survive. An move forward. In all the darkness an pain there is light an today is a good day for karma.