happy bday

I bought a birthday card I thought it was for my lady but I realize now it's for the memory of the lady. We're in different spots now. Almost like a parallel universe saying knowing and feeling the love that we had but never being able to have it again. It's not a love that is love love but a soul love. 

Today is my dad's birthday and I have no idea how he celebrated it I have no idea who he was if my memory of him is real but I'll always be grateful for him because of him I choose not to do drugs. 

It's my first time being off work with no purpose and I have no idea how to survive everyday I'm all alone no friends no family no responsibilities just surviving. 

It is lonely but it's refreshing to not have to come up with all the answers every day to be able to just relax. 

Miss my lady more than anything in the world but I am grateful that she is where she is and I am where I am. I know more and more and more this is why I'm here. To just survive.

Thrive. Keep moving forward.

I wish an hope for so much. But im grateful to have some memories. 

in my will

It took awhile... But i finally wrote out my will. I have to say how strange it feels to think of life after im dead.i also wanted to ensure my child was taken care of. But to be honest what i did not get to write. Is if Im still alive or on life support

I asked my trusted friends to acknowledge that i dont want life saving measures. I struggled a lot with my uncles deaths. These men were my pillars in life. And yet the struggles they carried.

So much on my mind. And i wish... I once had people i could call on. Chat with.