moment for u

How do I feel.  Hmm.. its a tough one because reality for real. Thirty years ago today. I dont remember much. And I assume from dying. Or continued trauma in my life i remember less and less 

What i try to remember.  Was my dad used to make me lunch like home-cooked French fries. 

I remember going dtes idk how I got down there. But id go there searching for my dad at pigeon park or the main block.

I remember taking busses to Stanley Park. Im not sure why I remember those things. Or the harder memories. Was my dad was unable to give up his addiction. And my mom would lock him out. Id wait till she gone to sleep and id let my dad in.

I have hopeful memories that his actions of making me food or taking us around meant that he loved us. 

I used to carry a journal he wrote in. He tried to get clean he went to treatment and everything I have a picture of that. 

I'm not sure what threw him off track from that but then all of sudden 30 yrs ago today. He was dead. I remember when I found out. 

I remember my cousins being there my mom.  My sister. And all the chaos being a little kid. 

I remember some parts of his funeral. When they nailed his coffin shut his mom was screaming at them thats my baby. Or something. 

That's the end ... the end of memories of my father. Idk if I called him daddy. Dad. Father. Papa. I dont know or recall any of that. 

I dont know if his drug overdose was an accident or on purpose or someone causing him harm. 

My brothers take the anniversary of his death a bit harder and I couldn't imagine. Cause I have this picture of my dad holding his two sons. Its about thr only picture I have of them 3  but the tragedy of growing up and having 4o learn things their father should have taught them

Tbh... I'm not really thinking too much about tbese things  I'm trying to distract my brain 

Reality of my thoughts are darkness. Are an abyss of pain an sadness and loneliness.  Everyday I wondered what am I doing here. 

And everyday I see it in my handsome Lil mans eyes. I'm here to raise him to be these of everything to pave the road for him to change the world. .

If he wasnt in my life. I dont think I'd be here. All peoples come and go. All relationships end. All love is still there. But we move forward.

Maybe it's easy to forget me I'm just human. I'm flawed and I've cause so many people pain. The stories I told. The truths that were my reality. I'm ashamed that I was young and stupid and afraid of someone who isn't worthy of my fear. Now I'm older and stronger and realize I could throw him in his ass and. Not even break a sweat. But I choose to not be that person. He's my kids grandfather 

Yep I'm crazy. And I'm thinking... why am I fighting to be in people's lives. Why does she matter to me as much as she does

I love you. Ive always been grateful for your unconditional love. I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I miss looking into your eyes and laughing about nonsense. I wish u could have met thr stable person ive been the last 8 yrs.

I gotta move on but there is no one. There never be anyone who is as such a beautiful soul as u. Your empowering me to keep on keeping on. Your belief in me prepared me to be a great parent to this amazing kid. Of all things I will make sure he knows im here because of you my lady. And because of the woman who saved my life couple yrs ago 

I'm trying to hang on. I'm trying to not lose hope 

I love you always my friend. And im thinking of u. 

Much love ❤️ 

wonderful world

Ive decided wonderful world sung by Louis Armstrong will be my memory song after im dead and gone. Idk why i love it. I just woke up and heard it had it on repeat. Cause its such a beautiful song.

My life the last few weeks has felt difficult. Unbearable some days. But here I am keeping on

I work elsewhere temporarily I guess. But I also... have reconnected with my ex. Its odd because for like a week or so... I was feeling her presence and being reminded of her love and devotion. And one day looking down at a bag of clothes that belonged to her. And thought im gonna toss those. Or im gonna donate them to someone. But then me being me. Instead I got up the courage to email her and ask what you like me to do with your stuff.  One thing led to another and here we are again 

While that was going on. Another ex had come up with drunken calling me. And saying everything I wanted to hear an then some. And I was like what is going on in the world. 

I am just a person. I am just me. Im not anyone special and yet was like the whole crew of people i love would be calling or messaging me.

As I've started this new job. Ive met a woman. Who reminds me.... with the hair the glasses and smile. Reminds me of my lady. 

No one can ever take her place. And when I think about describing her to others. I think she's one of the ones that saved my life 

Im constantly reminding myself..  why she's not in my life. I was a psycho. I was broken. I was not myself and so she probably doesn't know me as I am now. 

Stable. Unwavering in my ability to be consistent. But even as I type those words. Im not.. it was approx one month ago. I went back to old habits of self harm.

Ok ok. Not as bad as I used to be. 

As I fight my own demons to take of this kid. To be a loving parent. To provide all he requires. And to give him hope of the future. 

I fight my demons every evening as I struggle with how little I feel. How alone I feel. How sad I feel. I wont give up on myself because he depends on me.

And for those who think or discuss or understand self harm those that understand dark thoughts of suicide or wanting the pain to stop. And pressing it down into the abyss to keep going. To hold on one more second. This is me clinging to everything I can to be a strong role model. A strong mentor. A constant place of love an appreciation approval idk. Recognition of the good things he accomplishes.

He has no idea... I am here.  I am here for him and only him.

People in the world meet my boy. And look at me. And think this is your kid..   huh??!?!??! Cause his soul. His personality maybe like his biological mom. But he's such a beautiful soul. Such caring guy. A kid who loves so deeply. And desires so much to make me proud. 

Maybe im rambling...

.im fighting my thoughts because I feel so sad. I wish. I always wish for that history I had with my lady. Just to hear her voice. See her smile. Feel her embrace. I know it may sound like im in love with her. But reality is. She was the one person who never gave up on me. She stood by me  even as I pushed her away she remained every hospital visit. Every psycho drunken call. She even helped me when I tried to get out of my friendships by pretending to be my gf. Lol she was dedicated to making sure I lived everyday. 

I miss her. I love her. And im grateful she exists in this world. I hope for the best for her I wish I could repay her for the unconditional love she poured into me. The strength. The hope. The everything.

Im here because she believe in me. 

That's my reminder also to keep Moving Forward. Even tho I dont make those calls about giving up anymore. I just want to make her proud. Of the person I've become. And continued to fight to be a good person. 

I love you my lady I am grateful you saved mt life ❤️