live for me

Forever embedded in my heart. 

I know i should be happy to be free from everything.  But we live in a world where we crave an desire connection. 

I already miss the first year. And how in love we were. How I lay there with this beautiful soul in my arms and thankful she didn't chose my friend. 

Ive been cursed with never having anyone be like I am for them meaning... when she was in hospital.  When she needed a ride. When she needed an escape. When she needed moment to breathe. I was all these things. The sun and moon an stars. But when I finally broke down. Finally died.  I was alone in that room. When I was released the greatest person I love showed up but my love of my life was mia. 

I spent months recovering an less than handful of those times was my partner there. An I waited patiently for years. To let her deal and heal. And instead I get a crappy message that were done. 

But for once it would be great. To not always being the hero. To one day be someone someone wants to drive or make smile or show up for. 

I had a dream. I had a dream of a life I'll likely never see. A love I'll never get. A hope for future I'll never have. Some of my friends were happy my relationship was over. And yet even they are nowhere to be found. Clearly not friends. 

We used to be. But now...

I feel isolated. Alone. Will we ever get out of here. Will I ever feel loved. Appreciated. Etc. How can this be the end. How can I just forget. I totally placed her in every aspect. 

I feel like garbage because I am always thr one getting hurt. I always am the one being left. Oh wait I left one before. Let's not talk about that lol

I miss random connections. I miss sitting with my lady at the beach. In rhe park. At the waterfront. Just to be in the presence of purity of love. Would've been great about now. An instead... all I have is memories. Fading. Love is giving the bare minimum. 

If that dream would come true. I'd be grateful. Just once. Dont I deserve something beautiful. Something real. Something someone would wanna go out of their way. For. 

I miss my love. And I miss my smile. I miss the person was next to me. 

Please let me have a love more powerful than darkness. 

redblooded human

Being recreated or reborn. Thoughts late at night. Reminding self how alone one truly is. Reality is im here to raise or help raise this kid. And that is all. 

For once again. The one love that I thought was my forever of course.. like all things. Had to work on themselves rather than anyrhing else. Its making world difficult to wanna keep surviving. 

I start to see people in addiction never going anywhere but what else is out there. 

I never make enough money to travel. I never have people Id trust to be around with. 

I have too high expectations.  When reality is. I realize that even though id be there for few.  Behind my back their making choices or hate on me. Because I am a monster. I am garbage. I am selfish.

Idk.

Im in a rough brain set. Struggling to keep Moving Forward. Have repeatedly moved forward and forward but never went anywhere. 

I want to get out. Get out of this city. Get out of this family. I just feel crappy.

You know I could destroy my life. I could go back to who I was. But reality is..  that darkness. Is what terrifies me.

For real....

The pain I torment myself with. The people I've lost. The things I've done. I deserve darkness. But...

Im caring for this kid.

Recently my mom told me... that she talked to biological mother. And asked her if she was gonna get clean and come back for her kid. But she's so wrapped up. Wrapped up in addiction. She is not able to be there for him. She's not able to get clean.

Idk. I really hope she comes back. I hope she sees how beautiful this kid is and how much time and effort I put into being there for him.

As for family. Ugh family is the destruction of us all. My family. Who torments me comes after me for shit. Because I said or did something. And therefore I am a monster. I am the demon. I am the thing everyone needs to hate..despise. talk shit about.

Tbh it reminds me of that show. LUCIFER. When he's in hell sitting on his throne. 

My family or random think I sit on a high horse. Judging others or condemning them

Reality is. I dont even have people can talk too about anything. Of all things I've never let secrets out. Im not the type. But... idk

Loss

Losing so much. Feeling so shitty. I for real.. could have an should have broken free within the first year. Because I've literally been there. Stood by. And just enveloped in all things to support my partner. An after years of waiting... realizing that we apparently won't be the same people. 

It doesn't break my heart. But continues to remind me... thst I likely forever be alone. In a human race of people who strive to connect to someone. Belong to someone. I forever in nothing. Idk. Im feeling lost. Shadow of a human being. I couldn't change who I am. But I feel... I feel so idk. 

I miss who I was. I miss the people who were there. The ones who stood by me. Now I trust no one. I feel alone. And now my thoughts are consuming me in darkness. Im trying to get over it. But idk... my few of people I trust I cant trust. Idk