For once again. The one love that I thought was my forever of course.. like all things. Had to work on themselves rather than anyrhing else. Its making world difficult to wanna keep surviving.
I start to see people in addiction never going anywhere but what else is out there.
I never make enough money to travel. I never have people Id trust to be around with.
I have too high expectations. When reality is. I realize that even though id be there for few. Behind my back their making choices or hate on me. Because I am a monster. I am garbage. I am selfish.
Idk.
Im in a rough brain set. Struggling to keep Moving Forward. Have repeatedly moved forward and forward but never went anywhere.
I want to get out. Get out of this city. Get out of this family. I just feel crappy.
You know I could destroy my life. I could go back to who I was. But reality is.. that darkness. Is what terrifies me.
For real....
The pain I torment myself with. The people I've lost. The things I've done. I deserve darkness. But...
Im caring for this kid.
Recently my mom told me... that she talked to biological mother. And asked her if she was gonna get clean and come back for her kid. But she's so wrapped up. Wrapped up in addiction. She is not able to be there for him. She's not able to get clean.
Idk. I really hope she comes back. I hope she sees how beautiful this kid is and how much time and effort I put into being there for him.
As for family. Ugh family is the destruction of us all. My family. Who torments me comes after me for shit. Because I said or did something. And therefore I am a monster. I am the demon. I am the thing everyone needs to hate..despise. talk shit about.
Tbh it reminds me of that show. LUCIFER. When he's in hell sitting on his throne.
My family or random think I sit on a high horse. Judging others or condemning them
Reality is. I dont even have people can talk too about anything. Of all things I've never let secrets out. Im not the type. But... idk
Loss
Losing so much. Feeling so shitty. I for real.. could have an should have broken free within the first year. Because I've literally been there. Stood by. And just enveloped in all things to support my partner. An after years of waiting... realizing that we apparently won't be the same people.
It doesn't break my heart. But continues to remind me... thst I likely forever be alone. In a human race of people who strive to connect to someone. Belong to someone. I forever in nothing. Idk. Im feeling lost. Shadow of a human being. I couldn't change who I am. But I feel... I feel so idk.
I miss who I was. I miss the people who were there. The ones who stood by me. Now I trust no one. I feel alone. And now my thoughts are consuming me in darkness. Im trying to get over it. But idk... my few of people I trust I cant trust. Idk
