I don't know if anyone ever reads what I am saying but if you ever have, you would have heard about the love I have for my brothers, how much I value them and cherish them.... so on these times it's the hardest to write because the wounds that have bound us run so deep.. I know doesn't make sense... I guess what I'm saying is that I have hurt my family, I was a monster, I was who knows who I was.. sometimes in the joking times, they remind me of the stupid Shi* I used to say and how I used to act. and it's hard pill to swallow, how much of an embarrassment I was.
regardless my brother and I had a fight.. I asked him to watch my son, I literally went through so much to get a babysitter for my foster son, and I just needed someone to watch my son, so i could go have some "me" time and my brother literally bailed at the last minute.. and I lost it.. cause I just gave him every chance to back away, and he just said he'd be there, and he didn't know all the trouble I had to go through to make this one day work.
anyway he went on a drunken rant towards me, which often happens when he drinks and talks to me.. I got told about how terrible i am, and I also got told how much I have hurt him in our past, and how much he has been hurt by my abandoning my family... as they all often put it.
I wish they could see it as it was, and see it from my perspective, the true reality of what it was like for me being here when I was 18. however I could see barely glimpse the idea of what it was like for them. I was the glue, the rock, the boss of them. I was their mother, their caregiver, and I totally packed up my life in one suitcase and left.
I recently spent 23 mins on a phone conversation with my drunk brother, listening to his brokenness and the bad choices he wanted to make because he was hurt by my recent argument with him. the length that I went to try to ensure he was safe. I called in all the troops, I had my sister searching the streets for him, because we were all worried about him. of course he ended up being fine, but the fear that was in his voice.. I almost packed up my kids and hit the streets to find him.
it made me think.. and I know I say this a lot.. but in all my brokenness all those poor people I called, all those terrible things I probably said in my drunken mess. I wish I never did, but I'm grateful for those that answered their phones, or showed up to come help me, or talked me through it.
that conversation with my brother has stuck with me the last couple of days, and i guess put me in a funk. I feel a bit crappy... a bit unworthy to be someone who should be loved by anyone. I did so many terrible things in my life, and maybe not some psycho things, but I obviously hurt people in the most emotional ways, and i threatened other things, and I just don't even remember have the stuff I did and I'm grateful for that, but I am also very aware that I was a terrible person. and I am truly sorry for that, I was a terrible instigator I caused so much problems with people.
I don't even know who I am anymore... the only thing I truly have in my life is my kid. I feel a bit lost without the human connection to people.. to friends.. to family... I have wounded and been wounded by my family so many times that I can't trust them, I can't fall apart with them because they would truly use that against me in an argument in the future. so I can't be myself with them. as for friends well since having the kid all my friends are living their lives everywhere in the world... the people that were closest to me while we all just working, going through all this chaos in our own ways.
I feel like all's I have are these words I'm writing.. that's how alone I feel.
have this strange feeling... I don't know what it is, but I just have this weird feeling that its' going to be get better, but it's also going to get worse.. and I'm not sure how much strength I have to have to endure it.
