Its been an interesting couple weeks... I was in a petty argument with one of my best friends, and my sisters hated me etx.
until recently.. i can't recall exactly when it was but my sister asked me to babysit my nephew, and of course I would not say no. I hadn't seen him in over a month and my heart and soul missed him. so I took care of him for a bit, and was then that my sister apologized and said she knew she was in the wrong and admitted it was b.s argument. anyway it all worked out... and then I think the next day my other sister came with us for ride, and she apologized too and now it's like big happy family.
difference now I guess is that I'm on a medication I've never been on before... and so far I feel fine.. except that I feel like I'm not into being anti-social as much, I feel like I'm spending more time at work connecting with people, and being open and honest I don't know if that's the medication or maybe just my family coming back into my life.
but as a just in case I feel like I'm just going to continue with the medication I don't want to go backwards, and I don't want to end up doing something insane.. I just want to try and enjoy some of my life..
on that note... I have to write it again.. because I was at a memorial recently and it reminded me of the tough times... of someone dying... etx.. and of course all the stuff going with that... not only funeral arrangements and grief... but the belongings and the money, and valuables.. etx
It disappoints me that we live in a world.. or maybe only I live in a world where it comes down to who gets what and how the money will be divided etx.
so I have to say this as always...that in the event of my death. I still strongly want to make sure.. that all items that I own are destroyed. I don't want my clothes, belongings, movies, jewelry, any material items to be saved. whether burning it all, or throwing it in the garbage. I want it all gone. I want there not to be fights over my chain, fights over my vehicle, I want nothing to be an issue. the only concerns I'll have is that my cats... and I've said in the past my ex gf gets them, but my best friend christina said she'd be up for it in the event of my death. so that's the only change.
all my money and all my pictures can be divided, pictures can be copied.. but all other items can be destroyed. its not ok to go through grieving thinking about my favourite things, or what mattered to me, and therefore wanting it and becoming a rift between my family over something so stupid.
imagine that if I'm dead none of these material things will matter, so don't let them matter here. because it just hurts..
I don't know how I ever got through... my uncle's death, and all the bulshit of that situation. my heart was completely broken and not just at my uncles death, but having his family say shit, talk shit, and call me a selfish, money hungry etx. I never accepted shit like that from my family, I have always worked at everything I own. It was always important to me when I was growing up
I didn't get to have all I wanted, and nothing I had was brand new., everything I had was handy me down, or from the dumpster at value village. it wasn't nice or happy.. when I was in foster care was always nice cause I got new clothes when I was there.
so when I grew up... I decided I wanted everything brand new, I don't want anything that's used. lame I know.. but its my life... I work hard and I earn what I have.. I am picky about my clothes, shoes, everything but its all new. only re-used stuff would be movies, because some of the movies I own aren't made anymore so I had to go surfing into video stores to find them..
regardless.. in all my life... as far as I'm aware.. I've never been called selfish, I believe I take after my mother, who is selfless. I think the people who were hating on me calling me selfish were just disgusted with themselves and needed someone to blame and I was an easy target.
But as I tell anyone.. I'll go through hell and fire to defend my family, and especially my mother.
I know I had a rough life.. but my mom when she got clean and sober.. she became someone completely beautiful, her heart and soul are pure gold. and I treasure her, and all the work she does, and I value her. and anyone who makes my mom cry or feel pain. they have to deal with the wrath of me.. and not just me.. all my brothers and sisters I made sure they knew.. the only reason we are where we are, is because our mom provided as best as she could.
anyway I'm off topic..
day 17.. I feel ok... just moving forward and trying to rest and enjoy life whatever that means. but I know that right now.. having Elijah in my life makes me feel a lot better, I wish I seen him today but I am so exhausted I've been working insane times, and then spending evenings with Elijah so I'm sure he'll forgive me for not being there for him this one time!
I don't know anyone close enough to me to tell me if they have seen a change in me.. which is really sad that I'm not that honest with very many people in my life, but I don't know.. i guess we'll see how it goes.
