So it's been more than a few months that I haven't been on here.... I apologize... I have had a job now for a while and so I have been beyond lazy to go to a computer and even when I see one now... I think man thats too much work to deal with so I avoid it all together...
However... I feel that my support system has collapsed, and my relationship is ok, and work is taking it's toll on me. I'm needing to write and I'm needing to vent without judgment and needing to be straight up
I'm doing good without a doubt I'm working and I'm moving forward and making a good thing happen at work... I mean there have been times and moments where I thought I would lose my job, or that I wasnt working good enough pace... However I believe that I am a valuable asset at work and because I have my certifications I am really great worker..
Everything else has come into my mind that I have consumed myself in my relationship and trying beyond all things to be there and spend time, and love and be patient etc... That I completely and utterly forgot about the aspects of my life...
My life isn't defined by relationship, and it's not who I am to be neglectful to my friends and family... Just recently my partner got the weekends off so that would be our time together... so for all other areas I need to start concentrating on the things that make my life whole, that make me feel whole and those things are time with friends, time with family, making appointments so I could get rid of my dizzy spells, and start to taking care of myself..
My routine has always been work home food and sleep... and its worked except that I hadn't made time for my friends, I hadn't made time to be there for my family... The whole concept of my choice to move back to Vancouver was to there for my family.. and without even knowing it completely for the first time ever... I seen my older sister someone I have been so used to watching her mess up her life in drugs and hooking on the streets...and now she is cleaning up her life, she isn't downtown, and she is trying so hard to get off the drugs... do you know how great that is for me to see? I didn't believe her at first but than when I seen her for the first time on Sunday, I was totally... in awe of how great she is looking and how much work she is doing on herself, she is taking care of herself, and she is totally trying to get drugs out of her life... and I need to be supportive of that in her life because she is and always has been a huge part in my life and now she is getting clean and I'm not there...
I have been so consumed in all my fears of my family that I have made the decision to be distant but before my eyes I'm seeing the greatness developing in them all in their own ways they are all coming to their own...and I have been gone..and this needs to change...I need to find the time to see them, to be there for them...
My friends....well my friend. I only have one friend that I can rely on and trust her with my life... well every time we have hung out it was always with my partner...and I don't mind that but I haven't had time with her and last night...In my weakest moment she came through for me and I'm here and I'm enjoying the time I have with her and I'm able to see the greatness I didn't let myself see before...
There are things that are going to have to start changing in my life so that I'm open and available to others and I'm making time for myself and the people I love...
I have come into question about my relationship... I haven't ever seen it before but I guess I'm starting to see it now... There are some things that need to change... I have always made it about myself, and I haven't even asked how are you baby? or how was your day? nothing I have been so consumed in being self-centered that very quickly I can lose my relationship because I haven't been that supportive, or that patient, or even been all there... So there are so many things that I need to work on...
I'm slowly learning these flaws in my life and trying to find ways to cope with them, or hope that I could be a better person, find the ways of being a better person, and continue...
Im in love with my partner there is no doubt about it because if I wasn't well I wouldn't be going back tonight to try and deal with these things that came up...
I'm not sure what I need to do to make things back, but I have to find a way through this and be determined no matter what happens I'm going to be there, and I'm going to keep my sweet love alive and just find the ways to be better...
Im so exhausted already I can only hope that I can continue to write because as I write this now so many things come to mind and i see that I have a lot to work on...
Thanks for listening
If anyone does read this that lives thousands of miles away... I want you to know how much I miss you, and adore you! I have thought so many times about my dear friend in Germany, so many thoughts and much love to all of my friends in Ontario... I cannot believe how abruptly I left but I don't have any regrets except that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Until my next entry
much love!
