The last almost three weeks of my life huh?
Its hard to figure out where to begin with all that has happened... I know my youngest brother turned 14 which was really awesome..I felt terrible that I did not buy him anything but it was honestly difficult to figure out what to get him with the little money i had.. I spent time with him at his party.. however i got really upset there because my niece was suppose to come and me and my brother randy were so looking forward to seeing her...and not having her there really messed me up and made me upset...
there were fireworks here and there at some point for some reason but i didnt go... i worked and if not that then I just didnt feel a strong desire to go to those fireworks...its become something completely different and i couldn't imagine myself going to something like that anymore..unless i was with my cousin...
I've been emotional...turmoiled..felt run over by trackers, by trains..by everything more painful then anything...Im not really sure why i have felt that way....
I can't remember the exact day...and i dont ever want to talk about this agian but it's one of those things that I need to say... I think it was a week ago..I got really upset more upset then I've ever been..and I took a bunch of pills and i was under the influence... it was hard because what made it worse was my sisters were there...and i could not even begin to imagine telling them the truth..i just told them i was a little tipsy and could not tell how much the bottle had said to take... I was in the hospital overnight...they let me out after i talked to the doctor...
that really changed everything from there... I mean for me... I just wanted to quit drinking and doing all that stuff... but it didn't work i left that saturday with my cousin because i wanted to test myself to see if i was that irresponsibile, and stupid as i had been earlier... not true at all i had a great time with some amazing fun people....i left them though because i called my brother out and we went home...
I got into a lot of trouble with my mother and she just said some things and acted some ways and yeah..now im not sure what's happening with that and i hope nothing... although i went out again the other night I think it was tuesday and it went really well too however like evreything i left that too and came home...locked my door and cried most of the night in my room.......
Im too scared to imagine i can't even imagine...but at the same time...its like :what if:
the one person i love..the one person i cherish more then anything...the love of my life was the only one who knew what went down the other night.... and I never told my cousin... im too scared to because i know he will never talk to me again..just that week of not having him in my life because we got in an argument that was harsh.... so now im just like if he found out this time around im sure he'd be done with me because he'd be so angry with me... only two of us knows.. and i hope it stays that way..... i can't believe any of it....
its so frustrating...because im so scared of going away...i mean im leaving today...tonight.. and im scared too because this one thought that i spoke about will linger in my mind...and if not that then i'll have to see the people i love and cherish in ontario...and i m almost a hundred percent sure they will see it in me....this darkness..or this pain...or even then someone one specific person will gut it out of me...and i know her really well she will do that..and im scared of that because i dont want her to know...
i moved to vancouver to change but i haven't changed... i moved back to go to College to become a police offcer and that's not happened either.....
since being back i've been drinking...being angry....
oh did i mention court is all over?
he got twelve months probabtion and ten years on the sex offenders.. that's it...nothing more then that.... i was hung over or still buzzed when i went to court that day... one of my friends had to watch me in case i might have done something...if anyone has any right to be pissed off it would be me...
all these people looking for this justice..and that's our justice...it makes me so angry..even now just thinking of it.
trying to get out of that...............
this past sunday as i remember it..after that house party i was at...I travelled to White rock to visit my one and only niece...we didn't do much but just being in her presence brighten my day.. she is such a great niece.. a great kid... it made me sick to my stomach though because i know that my older sister needs to be there for her..and there's nothing we can do about that... i wanted to go downtown and smack my sister in teh face just because im angry with her for being so addicted...and i know it's not her fault but she just makes me mad...
her daughter has not seen her for almost 11yrs...or less.. and it's like your so stupid... i hate that so much.. i remember when sam was younger we weren't allowed to mention my sister's name because sam knew her mother's name...and when we said it..she'd get really upset and cry and stuff...and im just like MAN ALIVE! I just wish...
i wish that i was a doctor..I wish i could be there for my sister and force those things out of her system...she her who she was..who she is now..and who she needs to be....just one day make it legal that i can do that...
im frustrated like crazy....so much is going on.....
i cancelled my counselling appointments because one day i just couldn't go..and rescheduled and then i was in the hospital when i was supposed to be outta town or so i said... i couldn't face my counselor after that incident.. i couldn't imagine doin that..and yet she knows..if not from me then im sure my mom would mention it to her... i hate that so much
other then that..the up side of things i guess.....is that im going to ontario...im taking my brother randy with me..he's 18yrs old...the same age i was when i went there... i hope that he will see some things...experience some greater things in life then what he's doing....five days in the country...five days with healthy alive people...i hope it'll do something to him... i want him to shake the hands of those poeple that really believed in me..those people who inspired me to do better...for a short time i did better but then it all fell apart...it's a long process to find that person again because of everything that's happened....
but i guess...in time...in time.. im still trying my best... i mean trying my best to not give up on my life...not give up on my future...
I'll tell you it's not been easy...
i hope things will change when i get back...an i hope to have some new things...to search in my life..
i want to say more but im exhausted and need to sleep...
good night
