this will be a weird entry because I am feeling at a loss... it's really strange to have to think this or write it or know it, or feel it.. so for years and I mean many years I have had two steady women in my life, that I have loved... and I mean love beyond all things, that i would an have done anything and been anything for them. I have always been felt or desired them, but always understood that we would be friends.. always hoping dreaming one day it would change.. and then to find out both were and have been going through all these relationships... and not even seeing what's in front of them..
always wondering would you just look look at me. so obviously I sort of gave up, put it on the "back burner" so to say.. and I have been in relationship, one night flings etx.
anyway recently both women who have never met each other, or anything..both women know how much they mean to me.. one more than the other, only because I have two tattoos for the one woman, was the whole you mean the world to me so I will brand myself with you forever idea.. maybe? i don't know I had to think about the thing/person that inspired me, lite up my world etc and only one woman came to mind. so I decided to get a representation of her on my arm beautiful tattoo, and she absolutely loved it.
anyway I'm off track... so first girl... woman! lives in Germany I've known her since I was in my late teens and she left back to Germany but we remained in touch for all of these years.. and I have written her, sent pictures, she sent me an entire album of her beautiful face. and I have sent her a couple of awesome pictures. anyway I've felt like I poured my soul to her, by writing her emails, sharing my heart, my thoughts, emotions in depth that I don't share with anyone else. and anyway recently after many relationships for her, and lots of heart ache for her, and i have tried to be there for her even though I'm THOUSANDS of miles away. I always told her I would take a trip there, I finally have the passport but then I'm in major debt and I can't even save I don't even know how. anyway so recently she wrote me...and told me she's getting married... and a part of me is happy for her just as anyone should be. but the other part is wishing she could have seen it... seen me... felt me... known me in a way that she hasn't known me... that I wouldn't have waited so long and maybe she would have loved me.. instead she's getting married to live happily ever after.. at least that was her last email to me, I haven't heard anything since.. and I tell you for me reading that... my heart sunk.. the woman I have wanted, yearned and desired is now going to be off the market.. she'll always be one of my greatest friends but I won't even be able to tell her how I felt...or what I thought.. I don't even know if I will ever even make it to Germany. I always wanted to go, it's in the top 3 places I am wanting to got to before I die.
the second woman.. is far beyond any woman in the entire world! no woman, no relationship no friendship has ever been able to top this woman, she has been the pillar of strength, loyalty and resilience a combo of greatness that I cannot even match.. no relationship I have ever had could even compare to this.
a love so deep beyond all things... and I mean beyond all things! when I met her I loved her. there was a beauty in her that I could not comprehend.. I had to have her in my life. and although she came into my life at a very low point in my life she came into my life, and stuck by me in a way that no one has ever... and although she often said things that were different.. my ex gf back then told me the truth once this always this. and I didn't believe her.. and yet here I am! here I am once again reading an email that is exactly what she has always known.. and I'm baffled... the woman I have loved for so long, the way her eyes, her laugh, her hands, her everything and to hear her tell me she finally has seen the light, finally seen what my ex already knew.. and to hear her say the same thing.. she is madly in love... and I again sink... to the bottom of the ocean
tears flow through me as I realize is this really happening...can I wake up from this dream. and of course my friend tells me tell Germany the truth.. the truth that I love her, and I would pick up and move there and marry her.. but reality sinks in.
before last summer yes.. I would have picked up bought a ticket and went to Germany just to tell her I loved her.
but now... things are different....
now....
I'm the "foster parent' the aunt to a child that is in my care. I have been caring for him the way a mother does, and I have been connecting with him the way a parent would. and i have bonded with him the way a mother should. he is connected.. he can't sleep unless he feels my hand on his chest, he can't sleep unless he has that special bear that is our bear. he can't sleep unless he hears me sing (terribly sing) the song that puts him to sleep.
my life now is changed... forever! after he leaves I"m sure I will want to go through it again with my own child, but at the same time I'm torn because of the way his IDIOT parents are I'm thinking he's going to be right back here with me again, and eventually he may even get raised by me. and because of all these possibilities theres no way I can move to Germany
I guess this is the great sacrifice...
I love this child as if he were my own.. and I will defend, protect, nurture, love him beyond all things and if that means I can't confess my love to either of these women.. than the loss is what I will feel, and I know this means "they aren't the one" and I'm sure in some sense that's true.. but can't i just feel the loss... the loss of two beautiful women that I loved, and will probably forever love beyond all things..
I know be happy for them and in a sense I am but I am also feeling the loss because I loved them.
all's i have is the family drama, and the love of a beautiful nephew that loves me, he is the cutest most amazing kid in the world.. and I guess having his love for now will mend my soul until the person who is meant for me comes into my life..
they better like kids because this kid will be in my life forever.
