My life the last few weeks has felt difficult. Unbearable some days. But here I am keeping on
I work elsewhere temporarily I guess. But I also... have reconnected with my ex. Its odd because for like a week or so... I was feeling her presence and being reminded of her love and devotion. And one day looking down at a bag of clothes that belonged to her. And thought im gonna toss those. Or im gonna donate them to someone. But then me being me. Instead I got up the courage to email her and ask what you like me to do with your stuff. One thing led to another and here we are again
While that was going on. Another ex had come up with drunken calling me. And saying everything I wanted to hear an then some. And I was like what is going on in the world.
I am just a person. I am just me. Im not anyone special and yet was like the whole crew of people i love would be calling or messaging me.
As I've started this new job. Ive met a woman. Who reminds me.... with the hair the glasses and smile. Reminds me of my lady.
No one can ever take her place. And when I think about describing her to others. I think she's one of the ones that saved my life
Im constantly reminding myself.. why she's not in my life. I was a psycho. I was broken. I was not myself and so she probably doesn't know me as I am now.
Stable. Unwavering in my ability to be consistent. But even as I type those words. Im not.. it was approx one month ago. I went back to old habits of self harm.
Ok ok. Not as bad as I used to be.
As I fight my own demons to take of this kid. To be a loving parent. To provide all he requires. And to give him hope of the future.
I fight my demons every evening as I struggle with how little I feel. How alone I feel. How sad I feel. I wont give up on myself because he depends on me.
And for those who think or discuss or understand self harm those that understand dark thoughts of suicide or wanting the pain to stop. And pressing it down into the abyss to keep going. To hold on one more second. This is me clinging to everything I can to be a strong role model. A strong mentor. A constant place of love an appreciation approval idk. Recognition of the good things he accomplishes.
He has no idea... I am here. I am here for him and only him.
People in the world meet my boy. And look at me. And think this is your kid.. huh??!?!??! Cause his soul. His personality maybe like his biological mom. But he's such a beautiful soul. Such caring guy. A kid who loves so deeply. And desires so much to make me proud.
Maybe im rambling...
.im fighting my thoughts because I feel so sad. I wish. I always wish for that history I had with my lady. Just to hear her voice. See her smile. Feel her embrace. I know it may sound like im in love with her. But reality is. She was the one person who never gave up on me. She stood by me even as I pushed her away she remained every hospital visit. Every psycho drunken call. She even helped me when I tried to get out of my friendships by pretending to be my gf. Lol she was dedicated to making sure I lived everyday.
I miss her. I love her. And im grateful she exists in this world. I hope for the best for her I wish I could repay her for the unconditional love she poured into me. The strength. The hope. The everything.
Im here because she believe in me.
That's my reminder also to keep Moving Forward. Even tho I dont make those calls about giving up anymore. I just want to make her proud. Of the person I've become. And continued to fight to be a good person.
I love you my lady I am grateful you saved mt life ❤️
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