self killing

OK.  I'm broken. 

Reality is.. there is so much of stuff that is lost in the abyss. So much wonder if what I remember is real. 

Allegedly Today a long long long time ago my father did substances and overdosed. Died. And all I remember is coming home to my mom crying while on the phone.  My sister clinging to her leg crying. And my cousins sitting on the couch confused.

When my mom finished the call.  She told me my dad was dead. I ran away with my cousin. We climbed a school roof where I continued to cry.  

The years later were trauma. Pain. Torment.  My mom was in a relationship with an abusive douche. Who purposely talked ahit about my dad. Who kept my mom from us. Deprived us of food 

So then I became a runner. I kept running away from home and it seemed took forever for social service to realize I was being neglected and abused. If that makes any sense. 

We spent years in foster care. 

What do I remember about my dad... it's hard to say it's been a long time. Random times when he was home.   He'd make me French fries in deep fryer. I'd run home and have lunch with him.  He was a hockey fan. He loved music like rolling stones. As far as I'm aware he loved us. I don't think he wanted to leave us 

When he died... we were young and we got none of his belongings none of anything. And all the pictures I had in a photo album. My mom seems to have lost. I had several photo albums of my great life. And they are now all gone. Destroyed for all I know. There are no baby pictures of me no kids pictures of me. Only pictures of my childhood would exist in the schools I attended.  

So now.  Being a mom.  My kid hates pictures. But is sentimental about his baby clothes. I was going to throw them in donations. An my kid said no.  He wants me to keep them. Its only one bin full but wow. 

Idk got distracted.  But.. my dads death anniversary.  Horrible experience. And today had an appointment where I talked about what it was like. And because of that I found out something I sort of already knew. Was that. I've been very against physical contact. I found out today there may be a name for it touch aversion. An someone suggest i work on it. But I can't. I don't want to do. Regardless. Trauma. Pain. 

Because I talked about my dad.  I went into deep sadness and the urge  stupid urge came in. I had to self harm to regulate. And I realized... I need it. Which is lame.  But I realize why do I need it. What is it. 

legacy contact

Im not sure why. Why you. Why depths. Darkness. Deepest secrets. Why do i choose you. Except to know that when you lose me. You'll honor my wishes. Ive spent years of my life wishing to connect. But also not wanting too. Because we met in turmoil. I remember some chaotic chaos. More importantly you showing up for me. And the weight that mustve had on your wellbeing. Mental wellness. I feel so ashamed for putting you thro all of it. I don't recall those phone calls or voicemails. But i remember you loving me enough to leave voicemail for me to listen to while i felt trapped. I tried to hold onto those so much. Because the voice and heart of u telling me you loved me. That id get thro this. Gave me hope. Gave me a light.

There have been so many wonderful beautiful people who had supported me. Been there for me. But where you differ. Its as tho you pulled me from the ashes. You refused to let my demons win. You fought for me. I lived for you. 

I know of all people. I can count on you. Thank you for being in my life. Please know Ive worked beyond to make you proud to have known me. Supported me. Saved me. But in saving me. You found yourself. Which i thought was hilarious cause a part of me always knew. Regardless one thing you my legacy contact can do. Is free the turtles. Bring my lil man. Show him power of life. We always said we would go. And of alll things i reserve in my life that one notion belongs to you.

You deseve happiness. You deserve to let go of the trauma i brought into your life. 

Let go my lady.

Live your beautiful life and dont just work. Enjoy life. Reserve one week or two every 5 yrs. Go do something new. Live your life. An never give up on yourself. To thine own self be true

Goodbye. Whenever that day comes. Thank you for honoring me. Never giving up on me. 

Just live. Live for you. For your partner. For being honored to be alive. To have gratitude to have built this life. I miss you. I miss you often. I cannot let anyone as close to me as you ever got. Cause as much as im grateful. I also have to deal with the loss of piece of my heart 

You truly are the greatest of all time 

I will cherish u always 

tell the truth

Nothing makes me more terrified. Than hearing that people i love are struggling. Not just struggle but in addiction. 

This terrifies me because of life. Cycles. Lost so many people to addiction. Lost so many important people because of it. And at the same time i cannot judge. Sentence anyone. Cause im no better than anyone. I struggle with my own demons. But one thing remains since my father died. I cannot ever do touch be around hard core drugs.

I wish i could get my loved ones clear of the nonesense. But only so much can say or do. 

But i am deeply sad. Scared. Terrified. To hear someone i care about is going into addiction.

Please stop. Please do something else. Live your life. Remember that my kid loves the shit out of u. And does not need to lose anyone else to anything. Hes already had his parents in that mess 

thousand pictures

Youd think... We'd want to keep them forever. But knowing now that five years ago. We intertwined in a love so beautiful. That fell apart to nothing.

I finally did what i didnt do before. I deleted the thousands of pictures from that time.

It doesn't delete the love or pain or letting go of it all. But i know... It hurts me to know we were there. we almost had it. And you mean the world to me

I will always try to only remember the good times. And me being me. I probably would always take the call if you ever needed support. It is who i am. To be there for those i love

mine

I cannot say it enough.... My life coming to nine years.... Of my life caring for this child. Loving him, providing for him, giving him a life more beautiful ever imagine. 

What i wonder. So you know how a mother and child always have this bond. This connection. Is it possible to grow this connection even though i am not his biological mother. But in the definition of mother. I am all things. I love this kid with every part of me. I have ensured no matter what happens day i die. Or even as i get sick. Or incapable of caring for him. Ive guaranteed supports from friends. From family. I have written a will. And ensured my benefits cover all things. 

To be honest. I hardly remember what my life was like before being this. Apart from that time i died. I have never been away from my child for a night. Even when i try to take a break go to a movie or go out for dinner. My mind is always thinking about him 

When reality is. Where was i. Who was i. How can anyone say I stole this kid or went out of my way to get him. Reality remains for me. I did this for short term i knew his bio mom needed a break. She needed to be a child. She was a new mom her baby daddy as usual abandoned her. So she fell apart. I knew this was meant to be short term and instead.   Here i am

Almost nine years later. 

I hope. I pray she comes back. I know that she is struggling. I know she is lost. But I will always do what i can to support her when she gets her shit together. I dont know how to explain it to my boy. Of all this chaos.

But what everyone has told me. When it comes to light. I hope my child sees that the life i have given him 

No greater life he could have had. 

I have spoiled my child. But i also have ensured he knows that we dont celebrate holidays. He knows we dont sell our body parts for money (tooth fairy), we do bury our teeth return ourselves to the land. We acknowledge our heritage. I told him recently my hope he will fulfill one thing to be a grass dancer

I know that was one thing his bio mom wants. I hope to find a way to fulfill this. as well as learn our roots. And try get indian name given to him. One day in the future. These are my hopes 

I know there are a lot of barriers. A lot of shady things in the world. A lot of racism. A lot of darkness. But i hope. I hope i fill him with strength. With empowerment. Please let me do right by this kid. 

I just needed to say that. I have high hopes for my boy. I know he is breaking the cycle. I know he has more then i ever had.

stay

Its rare. That i get sick. Its even more reality comes in. I realized how isolated and alone i truly am. It took approx five days for anyone to check on me. And only did cause i terrified myself in isolation. I was scared. What if i got so sick i all of sudden died. Who would know. 

Ive spent so much time detached from everyone not ever really connected. 

It is all too true....

Technology has consumed us all. 

Back in the day. We'd go over to friends. We'd physically be there to help.

And we'd feel connection. I'd feel had a friend.

When I finally told someone the terror I felt... Maybe it was a dream. But to feel so alone. So scared. It was weird

So i reached out. To family and trusted friends. But when i reached out to family. To people I've supported above and beyond. Like enabling. Helping. The extent and amount. And to realize

When in my desperate time of need they were nowhere to be found.

Maybe i realize now that i have to set boundaries. I have to force myself to step away. Take care of my kid. 

It just is what is. Idk what is wrong with me. How i feel. How i react. How even when i say no even if no is right the guilt they make me feel. It makes me mad. 

I would like to be free. 

But i also wished to have someone. You know. Someone to be there to know if they didn't hear from me in a day. Then maybe check on me. Idk

Does it make you think. 

How can we continue to survive on technology. And be so disconnected. 

We need to unplug. We need to reconnect. We deserve to see the world. Laugh with friends. Find moments that take your breath away. Or hold onto. What you have. If you already. 

Keep moving forward

I hope to return soon. As its been quiet as ive been home with some illness... Waiting to heal

Hope to do get help 

happy bday

I bought a birthday card I thought it was for my lady but I realize now it's for the memory of the lady. We're in different spots now. Almost like a parallel universe saying knowing and feeling the love that we had but never being able to have it again. It's not a love that is love love but a soul love. 

Today is my dad's birthday and I have no idea how he celebrated it I have no idea who he was if my memory of him is real but I'll always be grateful for him because of him I choose not to do drugs. 

It's my first time being off work with no purpose and I have no idea how to survive everyday I'm all alone no friends no family no responsibilities just surviving. 

It is lonely but it's refreshing to not have to come up with all the answers every day to be able to just relax. 

Miss my lady more than anything in the world but I am grateful that she is where she is and I am where I am. I know more and more and more this is why I'm here. To just survive.

Thrive. Keep moving forward.

I wish an hope for so much. But im grateful to have some memories.