What i try to remember. Was my dad used to make me lunch like home-cooked French fries.
I remember going dtes idk how I got down there. But id go there searching for my dad at pigeon park or the main block.
I remember taking busses to Stanley Park. Im not sure why I remember those things. Or the harder memories. Was my dad was unable to give up his addiction. And my mom would lock him out. Id wait till she gone to sleep and id let my dad in.
I have hopeful memories that his actions of making me food or taking us around meant that he loved us.
I used to carry a journal he wrote in. He tried to get clean he went to treatment and everything I have a picture of that.
I'm not sure what threw him off track from that but then all of sudden 30 yrs ago today. He was dead. I remember when I found out.
I remember my cousins being there my mom. My sister. And all the chaos being a little kid.
I remember some parts of his funeral. When they nailed his coffin shut his mom was screaming at them thats my baby. Or something.
That's the end ... the end of memories of my father. Idk if I called him daddy. Dad. Father. Papa. I dont know or recall any of that.
I dont know if his drug overdose was an accident or on purpose or someone causing him harm.
My brothers take the anniversary of his death a bit harder and I couldn't imagine. Cause I have this picture of my dad holding his two sons. Its about thr only picture I have of them 3 but the tragedy of growing up and having 4o learn things their father should have taught them
Tbh... I'm not really thinking too much about tbese things I'm trying to distract my brain
Reality of my thoughts are darkness. Are an abyss of pain an sadness and loneliness. Everyday I wondered what am I doing here.
And everyday I see it in my handsome Lil mans eyes. I'm here to raise him to be these of everything to pave the road for him to change the world. .
If he wasnt in my life. I dont think I'd be here. All peoples come and go. All relationships end. All love is still there. But we move forward.
Maybe it's easy to forget me I'm just human. I'm flawed and I've cause so many people pain. The stories I told. The truths that were my reality. I'm ashamed that I was young and stupid and afraid of someone who isn't worthy of my fear. Now I'm older and stronger and realize I could throw him in his ass and. Not even break a sweat. But I choose to not be that person. He's my kids grandfather
Yep I'm crazy. And I'm thinking... why am I fighting to be in people's lives. Why does she matter to me as much as she does
I love you. Ive always been grateful for your unconditional love. I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I miss looking into your eyes and laughing about nonsense. I wish u could have met thr stable person ive been the last 8 yrs.
I gotta move on but there is no one. There never be anyone who is as such a beautiful soul as u. Your empowering me to keep on keeping on. Your belief in me prepared me to be a great parent to this amazing kid. Of all things I will make sure he knows im here because of you my lady. And because of the woman who saved my life couple yrs ago
I'm trying to hang on. I'm trying to not lose hope
I love you always my friend. And im thinking of u.
Much love ❤️
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