being the man

such a wierd title...however living in my shoes makes you be able to understand what Im talking about..

Since I was ten years old I've been taking care of my brothers and sisters and being there and helping them through diffiult times..and lovin them with a real love or what I had learned of what love was from the church.
I've faced some difficult times in my life on my own...with my addictions and emotional times.

Now I feel like an idiot nothin could compare to that...
I found out tonight that my mom is having some finanical problems and here I am taking money from here when I had $18 dollars in my account.. now I realize that you know what i can't do this anymore.
I been going around with money in my pocket...getting piercings and waiting for my next tattoo. realizing now that I can't do that...

how can I do something like that when I have finacial problems at home? I mean seriously I have used this computer an watched T.V. and talked on the phone so much that I should be helping pay for that...although I might feel that im not making enough money but I have to do this..

I am the man of the house....the father of the house..what I say goes...so what goes now is that Im going to start helping my mom pay off her phone bills and all that and even though I wanted more clothes and my tattoo...I realize that there are things right now more important then that. so I hope that I'll be able to do that....this has been too much enough as is.

it made my stomach clench when I realized that I haven't helped my mom at all and then now I dont know..I have to make some phone calls in the morning and try and get to give my mom an extra $50 bucks for the month or at least till my next cheque. Im sad that i wont be able to do what i want too..however I realize even though I have all my responsibilities...I also live in her house.

it's frustrating..

however im extremely tired. Im going to bed...and hope that i sleep well even though I feel the way that I do...

Good night

no words

there are hardly any words to say with anguish I am feeling. I did not recieve the best news today it actually hurt me more then anything could.

I realize now how foolish I've been.

I finally recieved an e-mail back from my friend and it helped me through today.

Im scared of what more pain I can feel as this month continues on and the daily idea of the pain I will continue to feel with each passing day.

It feels like the sun will night shine on me. all's I feel is the coldness of each day. I've never felt so foolish....

I can sit and sob with the pain I feel...there are no words to speak as a love so deep has gone from my life. all's I thought about is how can I get this back...realizing that maybe that time has passed...maybe it was too late so long ago...

it reminded me of the idea of the letting go...each day as I awake and walk out my door leaves fallen from trees..my greatest reminder of needing to let things go....I grasp so hard to that love and never want it to be gone...and realize it slipped right through my hands and I not sure if it'll ever come back.

what have I done..how could I do this...

as I read the words....my heart was pierced with so much anguish and pain....I cried a river today because I realize how foolish I am...

I sat in my room door locked....and thought....i could do this right here and now...cut so deep that I bleed to death....my heart felt so burdened with the foolish words I said...
instead I remembered the words I said...I didn't want to cut anymore...I love people so much an the pain of me taking pain on myself....is not something I want others to feel...
so instead I put my blades where my heart would feel safe....this place that is so real. this love that was real....I put my blades in that place because I realize its not my time...
although the pain is real and I feel burdened...it's not my time...

I dont want to act foolish that way...I put my blades away where I cannot go...however they still stay with me..just not as close to me because I dont want to make myself hurt that way.. why would I do something so foolish like that...even if the pain is so great that this one thing would take it away....I dont want to do it...so I put it away....

I allowed myself to feel the pain...of today...I cried myself back to sleep....I awoke...and still felt the burden and pain....I threw myself into my work today...it was hard..it's hard to let go of something so great.

I just hope that...no matter what...I will live today..

the thoughts of my father have outweighed any other pain....nothing is more painful then that. I lie in bed....questioning my father..did he really love me...how could anyone love me..I thank God for my sweet friend who reassured me that he did love me...and although he made poor decisions his love for me was real...just as anyone would love me...

I miss him so much...I wish I could be with him here and now...to cry in his arms and tell him everything in my heart...to be there sitting with him as he holds me...and just tells me he loves me...

I need that now more then ever....this love seemed gone forever...

no one will understand this pain I feel today...this pain...I can't describe it...there are no words to tell you....how painful it's been for me...
how could I be so foolish...so selfish...

what do I do now? where do I go from here...because Im losing my mind...I feel burdened.. I can't sleep..I can't eat...Im feeling like fading away...I can't believe I can be so foolish as to let that love go...

Im scared....Im scared...because I don't know now how I'll get through this...how will I get through this...and will this time ever end....

im sad....im sad...how can i be so foolish....


I miss my dad...I wish that he could tell me how Im going to get through this.....

no one will understand the pain of today...no one will understand how much i loved my dad...

I need him more then ever...

my heart feels like it's been torn and broken to bits and pieces...and it's never hurt so bad...i wish that I could get through this...I wish that I could just once turn back time..and make this alright.

how ...
why...
I wish...

I will love you forever

loved back pt2

emotional turmoil demolished...as I gazed into a movie an realized from the movie that we don't always know the reasons for everything. not everything has a reason
the way I was feeling could've or more so was triggered but emotions I had read earlier on tonight.

the fear for me...is always being loved...I never was really sure that I loved..or could be loved. being a young child it was never really on my mind that I was loved. I knew I existed..but to be loved is to be something more great. to be cared for and loved....something more greater...

I realize now that this love...is more greater then anything I've ever felt and to doubt it is to be human for me. I mean to be me....to be real to be really vulnerable with someone else is a horrific time for me...its something I dont enjoy experiencing and it's also something that's freeing in some ways for me...
maybe it was the thought of losing that...rather then allowing myself to lavish in all the love that has been put to me.

I mean even if things may have changed in some ways...there are still moments in my life.. moments I will sit at a bus stop and remember those feelings..or remember that smile. it'smore amazing then anything...maybe things have changed..but maybe there is a time and a place to bring those things back up. because for nowmy life is a real mess and it gets worse daily..I mean there are those moments..the glistenings of hope but there is more burden for me in a day then joy.

it's my life...why do I have to doubt it>?

I was scared...more so scared at the idea that maybe my father never loved me. or even then maybe he didn't love me...and so when I allowed myself to think of those things that's when I doubted everything else. and realized that Im allowing myself to lose my mind in this idea that I know is a lie...
I could read it in his journal...the love he had for us...i can hear my father's voice as he wrote these thoughts in his journal...why would I doubt his love for me...
I probably doubted it because its hard....its hard to remember at times...the feeling of being loved...

yet when I allow myself to sit and think about it...there were those amazing times that I had with my father...and in those ways were the ways he had shown me he loved me...
everyone has that whole love ways....I can't remember what they were...but everyone has a way of showing others their love....and in this way

the way my love shows me their love...is different..and it might at times make me feel second best however when I am loved it makes me feel like I am the best!

I dont doubt it anymore...

I just allowed myself to doubt myself. I allowed my mind to wonder into this world because it's never been real true for me before..

its strange how at times we doubt those things...unless it's only me...and even then you'd be lying if you said you never doubted it...

I dont know...I just am glad that I had time to think about it...and realize my conclusion

my conclusion is...

I've never been loved like this before...and the feeling is always changing for the better..it grows deeper then my soul... if that makes any sense...

I just am glad to be loved.

it's an amazing thing..

night

loved back

I honestly don't know where to begin..where to start...

last night when I went to bed all's I thought about was whether my father actually loved me. I mean I honestly don't remember him saying it. I dont remember any of that sorta stuff and I dont remember him being angry or anything like that.....but then last night I felt like I wasn't sure if my dad loved me.. how crazy are those thoughts? i mean I was so unsure of whether my father loved me that I wanted to send a dear friend of mine a e-mail asking her....instead I was in bed and I kept talking to Exodus asking her....do you think he loved me...an all she did was purr and cuddle with me...

then tonight....

i was put into some new turmoil... I've loved someone more then ever before...someone I care about with every inch of my heart... someone I cherish...however...I've seen this love of mine go through some difficult times in their life.. an it hit me...how do I really love them?

I was thinking about this..I will feel bad for writing it but I know that I need to or Im going to break down again..
I wondered what kind of love this was...because I've played second best in this person's life. they have never really seen me....I mean pieces of me yes...they say they love me back....but... I dont know anymore....im scared to doubt that...

the other night even last night I was looking at photos of a friend of mines wedding...and the steady gaze is what I had seen while looking into each photo...
it got me thinking today...
I've known different types of love...experienced different types of love...and then I've felt the trueness of real love....that love does not compare to anything....

however then I have this love..this love that used to give me tingles just thinking about them, talking to them..this love that gave the opportunity to give them a nickname. this love that has been in my life for so long...Im worried as craziness now...
I read a quote about how things change..how love changes...

I wrote my love once...and said things are changed....but regretted it right after...and then.. now im just confused...because I see these things and look at these things...and then lose my mind.

I remember in the beginning when I was dating...it was amazing...a great feeling... the tingles, the amazing talks at night...the time together...then months later it's all changed... I started working and then all's I have is nothing....Im focused on work...
if not that then Im emotional rollercoaster all my life but ten times worse as it is October.

my heart feels like pouring out blood...I feel overwhelmed with these painful thoughts of everything...and now I just am so confused.

the truth..the lies..the everything....all the everything in my head. and then I got nothing but the words I write here.....I maybe like writing here sometimes is because there is no response...because if someone responded something I didn't like...or if I were talking ot someone face to face about this Im sure the results would be more difficult for me to handle.

I feel so wrong....I feel so wrong for feeling this way....unworthy to have someone love me that much....and yet..be distant from that love...

maybe im just not thinking right because it's october... I'll figure it out sooner or later...but Im really emotional about this rightnow...

so im going to spend some time away..and see if I can think about this more and write again later.

night

if I didn't

For the past week of my life all's I've thought about, talked about, or cried about was my father. missing him more and more as time goes on.
Today I talked to my cousin and I told him you know I don't remember any time in my life when my dad was alive did he ever yell at me, or hit me.

im not sure who told me this however someone told me when someone we love dies the memories of them being anything bad or anything like that deminish. my machinsm for loving and missing my dad so much is because he loved me so much and it showed alot. however those are the memories i have to carry with me. I have never remembered my father hurting me in anyway. someone told me that the reason that is, was because my mind like erased or stored away the true memories of my father....But I dont think that's true because everyone who had ever met my father would say what a great man he was...
I mean I remember him standing up for me...I remember him loving me...carrying me, taking care of me when I was sick...laughing with me....watching T.V. with me... or cooking for me, cleaning for me...
The only memory I have ever that I seen him cry...I dont even know why he was crying. I just know he was listenning to the Rolling Stones "Angie" song.I remember going to him but I don't remember saying anything to him or hugging him or anything. i just remember him sitting at our kitchen table crying....that was like the only time I ever remember him crying.. I dont know what that's all about.
I mean Im guessing it's the whole memory of my dad being my hero. I mean when I was in elementary the only person I ever wrote about being a hero was my father...he was there for me through so much..he really loved me.

I dont know if I'll ever really remember him the person he was...I'd rather just remember him as the person he was to me... I can't imagine if someone told me otherwise about him I dont think I'd believe them because he was my father. I remember the torture and pain I went through when he used to beg my mother to let him in the house.... only words we lived by in that time was "Tough Love" she believed it would help him. it did sorta... but I guess..nevermind...

Why is that I can remember all these great things about my father and yet nothing else? I can remember bits and pieces of the last couplemonths before he died. I can remember his drunken days, an drugs and stuff...I remember that...but yet even in those times my dad always loved me even in those times...how is that....how could a man choose those things and yet show that kind affection and love towards his daughter?
I really don't get that...Im getting worried that Im remembering a facade of what my father was and yet I've lived in this fantasy of the memory of my father being someone different.. no one will really know...and I can't talk to my mom about it because she doesn't like talking about it. other then that the only other person that knew my dad was my auntie...she was murdered.. other then that Im not sure who knew my dad...

could it really be possible that i've made up this idea of my dad? I dont think so... I dont think anyone could tell me different about my dad...I believe he loved me..he made it a goal of his to show us he loved us...I felt it and knew it everyday I was with him.

I mean I remember the day...my mom was able to bring us home after being in fostercare what seemed to be forever...and the first thing I asked when my mom took us to our new home.. was "where's my dad" and...we walked in the door and he turned his chair around...and he had the biggest smile on his face....he had never looked so great! he was clean. he was sober! he was my dad! even though I never got to see him that much, he was getting clean and sober at a treatment centre... he was really coming back to the living! he was a great man. no one could tell me different...i dont think i'd give them the time of day if someone even tried.

Im thinking alot...

I just know....that my dad loved me...and yet... and yet... why can't I remember anything bad about him? what is locked away in my mind that's prevented me from remembering everything? there's more to it....but my mind has played this defence machinsim for so long that im not sure I'll ever know....people tell me in time..it'll come back to me..Im terrifed of that you know? because it'll make me remember the good and the bad... cause these last nearly 13yrs all's I remember is the good...the greatness really....why would I want to remember the bad?

Im tired...thinking too much about this...

good night

all across the sky

there's a few songs on my ipod that I listen to repeatively.

Im too scared to write these words. im scared of the emotional turmoil that I am feeling, however I know this is where I come in desperate moments of needing to express these moments.

I've been forced to make some decisons that I'll have to stand by because Im trying to better myself in my life especially during this time. however as this being the first of october I feel like this huge thing of anger is rising up in me. I constantly wanna fight I want to do something to make the whole world angry with me.I dont know maybe I just want to hurt...

all's I am thinking about is how childish I am that I continously struggle with the death of my father. I hear the words of many people that WERE in my life that said let him go, get over it, or something stupid like that. then I turn and ask have you ever lost a loved one at a young age? but apparently it does not make a difference...because we have to let it go sometime.
Im in a stage in my life...that i feel like crying. I feel like giving up on everything I've worked so hard to get too.

There are people that I love and care for more then anything..and yet during this time they are just disappointing me.hurting me or just being so messed up with bull with me... I have explained to them continously that I can't deal with this kind of emotions or decisions right now. so instead Ive let them go. instead Im just dealing with me. because I know that this is my life an if I dont get through these things it will destruct me..It won't distruct those who may not be in my life much longer.. what I mean by that is that people come and go so much in my life.. that there words that pierce me..dont help me...
I give up so much for so many people...I go out of my way for others. but Im done now. Im done now because I realize how broken I am in my life...and how much if I dont get what i need soon then I'll fall apart and who knows what will happen from there..

a show comes to mind...it was about someone showing someone else how broken they were in their lives..how they shut everyone out and just...
it was a picture of a nice glass just regular cup...or glass...whole...
however then it was smashed to the ground...and the point is that I've allowed myself to be bottled up, fragile little me... broken...bleeding...everything about me is broken... and all's I want to do is cry...to be by myself...to deal with me...
If I can do this one thing then I would feel I could conquer more then the world...because I really want to survive my life..I want to make it...I dont want to continue cutting. I dont want to continue drinking..I dont want to continue to turning to things that hurt me and not help me...

I want to find that freedom that I've heard so much about..the release of truly letting someone go..not forgetting but not letting it ruin ones life every year on his death anniversary..

until then....Im staying where I am...Im making my decision that Im shutting myself off from the world that has made me feel enslaved to helping others...because right now its time for just me. I have my three people support system and its all I need right now...other then that... I've let everything everyone else go....I can't be disappointed..i can't be around people who have jerked me around..who have toyed with my mind..who have enslaved me to this thing that's done nothing but hurt me at the end of the night.
Im done with that...and I really hope that I'll stand through this..stand strong...and I really really hope that I can make it through this month and make it to the new world....to open my eyes to beauty of our world...

Im done being destructive..or being in relationships that have been destructive to me... Im done going outta my way for others...Im focusing on me...

im crying enough...being sad..broken...bruised..bleeding in my heart..enough with the fact it's my dad's month...that's more difficult then anything else...if the people that love me don't understand me in that way...then they have never really known me at all...

Good night

missing you

December 25.1994 merry christmas

could not get up this morning stayed awake long hours through last night watching T.V.
This morning thelma was taking pictures of us sleeping on christmas day, where as we should have been opening presents.
it was very nice watching our children opening thier presents, never had such a happy feeling in such a long time feels good to be back to the living again.
the best present I got was having my son Jeffrey for four hours, I was so happy to hold him after this long wait!
Thelma was taking pictures this is the best day of my life to have my family together, and being sober and clean from the first time in a long time.
Only happiness belongs here today if only I could be like that everyday

another 24 hours

(written by my father Wilson M.Murdock

March 18.1962-October 26.1995)

R.I.P Daddy

im in a very emotional mode at the moment. Im sitting here trying to figure out what my father would do if he found my brother drinking tonight. cause my brother left about four hours ago and we haven't heard from him yet, when he did come back he was already under the influence.

everyday time he drinks he blames it on me... he tells me it's my fault for his drinking..thank God I have a great counselor and amazing friends who tell me that he just needs someone to blame, he is afraid to take the responsibility of his actions.

Every time though... I just want to beat him up. I want him to just see how much emotional turmoil Im forced to be put through because he's being like that. I mean I can't blame him..however he's kept EVERYTHING so bottled up no one ever knows whats going on with him, and the only way I find out is by him being under the influence yelling at me for no reason...

my brother had an accident last friday...he hit me in the face and I now have a fractured nose for the next few weeks..not the funnest times in my life.. I've never been hit before in my life..by anyone in my family or even just like that. and so Im trying to hide that from him and tell him that I've been hit...although honestly never had a broken bone...sprained yes...but broken no! so now for him.. he's in this huge guilt trip of me being all fractured...and it's just my nose.

when he did it...after he did it...last friday..he tried to end his life because I dont even know...

its more like....a child hitting his/her parent... I guess my brother has always looked up to me as a parent more then a sister, I guess my fault too well not really I've been taking care of randy since he was born...we've been through some very difficult times in our lives....

so either way...my brother is on this guilt trip of my nose being fractured.. I even took off the tape from my nose because I didn't want to remind him of it everytime he had seen me.. my cousin told me to make him feel guilty and then force him to go into counselling...I talked to him the other day and asked him if he would go and he said he would.. so I going to help him make those appointments..and then let him go from there..I mean I know for me counselling has helped me.. and it's been awesome...although i have seen my counselor less and less...only because of wierd sicknesses or just not wanting to go... when I do go...it's always better..and I want my brother to have that...

I mean my brother tells me there are SO MANY things he is not telling me...some times at moments bits and pieces slip out...but I try and not say anything or do anything...

I just wish...that my dad could be here...I wish that he could be here and grab his son and just hold him...love him...take care of him...and help him... because I honestly can't help my brother...I can be here for him to talk too...

But I can't help him...Im trying to straighten out my own life..that in itself is taking up everything..because I just quit drinking so much recently...it was two weeks before I had a drink...and then I had a couple at a social legion. but other then that...I mean I just want my dad to come back and love him. take care of him, help him through these difficult timess. anything...I just can't do it...

he just walked in the door... I hope he stays in because I have to go to sleep.. I need to be up in about 5 hours..

Im heading out to see my uncle Henry... it was his birthday on the 23 of Sept. and we are celebrating it today and I really really want to be there.. if there has been anyone that's loved me alot..it's my uncle's... no matter what I tell them I've done, am doing...they lavish great love and encouragement on me and it always makes me feel great...I am their favorite niece...and I always have been.. they are both so proud of me...I love them so much! I can't wait to spend the day with my family!

that's the highlight of me...because I love my uncles alot...Im glad to celebrate my uncles' life..he is a great man!

GNILY!

Good night

thanks for listenning