lost father

 I guess... its that time of year.. where I am in my mood.. of realizing that I've spent this many years without a father.. 
I don't know what was going for him, why he made the choices he did. but in the years I've worked in this industry, and the growth it's had in the years, I start to realize.. how powerful those that are in recovery. the strength they have to make it out of this life. 

I don't know a lot of people who have been able to make it out of the life of addiction. but those that do sometimes go back you know. 

I dont know how long it was.. before my dad left treatment or maybe even finished treatment he was doing it for himself and his family, he wanted to be clean and sober raising his children as far as what i read from his journal. He was eager to be a father. 
but he was coming from however life long life of addiction.. an may have been his go to thing when things fell apart. 

How terrible it must have been to die alone.. to have no one watching your back, and just not be able to live your life.. watch your children grow. or live a life of sobriety. to basically become another statistic. 

I don't remember him all that much... I do remember bits and pieces, I feel like that's how it is with anyone in my past.. I only remember random things, I don't see the full picture. But if you ask how I felt.. damn I felt loved. I felt special. I felt like I was his world when he was with me. 

he made me feel loved as far as I remember. 

losing him... and the years after especially the heartache of moving on wtihout him.. was difficult the people I got around, and the things I started doing. was all pretty shitty. 

but maybe its true. one simple traumatic thing or several change your life. 

for some odd reasons there are random things about me. there are smells. there are sights. maybe even sounds that I may get into and I will resort back to fear. or when I hear the rolling stones it makes me think of my dad, he used to listen to that alot 

I loved my dad.. I loved him.. I know that. and losing him changed my life. and I iwll always miss him, and i never want to forget him. on days like today I realize who Ive lost. what I've lost. 

whichi makes me see my kid. 

and sort of know the importance of him needing to be connected to his parents. to know them. see them? talk to them. maybe give them desire to want to get their lives better you know?> 
I don't know if it would damage my kid.. but I know they want to know him, and for now if he can just see them as potential friends, or whatever and grow to being mom and dad. then maybe we can grow as a family,
i don't wish to be free of my obligation to my kid. i have worked more than I EVER have to secure stability. 

recently I met some random worker.. who had heard about teh new worker managing a building, adn tehy apparently were talking very highly about the person, what they didn't know but later found out the person they were talking about was me. 
its nice that poeple aren't talking shit about me. 

anyway.. Im rambling my kid needs bed time snuggle

the light of my world

So there is a ton on my mind. An I dont know how to ground myself in these moments. 

I tried to message my friends or anyone who could distract me but have had no real help tonight. 

So I figured I'd write it up 

Today my partner showed me a posting about marriage proposals.. and it had me thinking..  whst in the world. Where in the world. How in the world would I make this happen. 

I'll happily save up money to make this real. 

I believe her. I believe her when she tells me that I am the one in her life. She loves me. An I'm trying to hold true to that as much as I can. 

But I have moments...

My moments tonight are such as what do we talk about. What do we do. How do we become more. I don't like the quietness that we share. Today was a bit of different.. we had breakfast. Sunday rest. An then went shopping 

It wasn't the best as we didn't get what I needed. But I'm glad we got out 

She had made me wear the same toque as her. I originally thought it was a good idea. 

How cute we are together. 

We got to take some pictures. We got to spend time together an it was nice. But honestly... I feel like I want more. I don't freaking know what more...

I want to feel... feel so in depth with her. Thst we can say we want in our heads. Or we can shower together without fear of rejection. 

I want the best moments with her the worst moments with her I want to be her strength. I want to be her shoulder to lean on.  I want to be her guard. Her everything. Her happiness. The first thing she thinks about when she is awake. The last thing she thinks about when she goes to sleep. 

I don't want to worry. I don't want to doubt. But I'm human. I'm scared I'm trying to feel the worth she has about me. But I feel scared just as much 

And it's like she wants me to jump right in. And I don't even know... what does that mean... how do I jump in. What does that look like you know. 

What does our future look like. What does our souls look like. 

I want forever. I want to be loved. I want happiness. I want laughter. I want tears etc

Can I just have it all..  is it OK that I want it all.

Best Part

 I figure I've spent a lot of time with these doubts/fears/ concerns about my relationship.. I realize what the other stuff..

there is a reason I am still where I am.. I remember when we met. when we actually met, and she actually let me into her life, and gave me a piece of her. 
I didn't know it then but it was as though she had been planning on this outcome. 

I am grateful for her.. I appreciate her. I honor her. and I don't want anyone else in the world. 

I love that when I call in crisis...when I call at all she usually calls back, answers, or is in the first car showing up to me. 
I love that she doesn't smother me, but helps me feel what I feel, while full along being present with me. I love that I have trusted her enough that i let her be here even when I'm "shut down" and that she is open to that and she knows or is learning how to comfort me, or help me snap out of it.

I love our happy moments.. the moments where she is singing to me while Im driving, how I randomly catch her in the corner of my eye staring at me, as I am driving her wherever. or how she sometimes just randomly listens to a song, love song likely, and serenades my hand as if it was me. lol 
shes so amazing to me... when she is present in my life

When I talk to her on the phone,and not through texts or whatveer. it is as though she hears me, as we know text messages are not toned in our actual words or voice or whatever tone.
so when we talk on the phone it is so much better, nad so muhc more beautiful

I love how she makes me feel.. that I can feel happy, content, and just daydreaming about the future you know.. the future such as getting engaged, getting married, building our lives together, having a family. 

I often forget that these may be insane thoughts.. but I want to be her everything, I want her to be my everyhting, and I want the entire package, I want the entire world, I wnat evrything. and i want  her to feel comfortable with me, she can tell me anything, she can try push me aside, and there is nowehre else id rather be then iwth her. 

I love her I love her.

I wish that she knew that more. I wish so much into the universe. I just want her in my life, and I want to be able to build our lives up. whatveer that may be

right now..its silence...and that is what is the hardest becuase alls I have is the glimmer of whatver is in my memory regarding her and I. 

and that is great but we need more good days then bad

What the actual fukc

Today was an interesting day.. I don't and wont get into detail of the chaos of the day.. but when I spoke with my therapist. my counselor whatever we call them. they had literally laid it out for me. which is weird.. it's weird when you hear that perspective come from someone who's listening. i basically said I didn't, or don't know where my mind is, or what it is thinking.. and then they laid it out.

I said I'm lost in what I want in this relationship.. I do know what I want, and I do know what I need to keep it up. and I do have to push even if it hurts when she pushes back. I have to continue to say what's real, what is needed to be said. etx. 

so I tried that.. sort of. but the push back was weird.. because my partner said I have said "ILY" as mch as they had said it. An yes it may be true. but it's because Im in a weird place. I am questioning everything, wondering why, where, when, how. there could have been. actually there are likely more stable, beautiful, talented people in the world. we are all our own imperfect shit etx. but yet here we are.. here we are. 

moments of losing life, losing breath over her. over the way she makes me feel loved. 

I don't know what to think.. I just know.. I realize that I have to be vocal. I have to be honest. I have to tell her.. like even now she is likely "sleeping" but its not fun when she spends most of her time sleeping, especially because she could have been talking to me, and we did talk a few times, etx. but it wasn't enough. because it was a mini argument about the people Im around, or the people I let into my circle. I don't think she was acting jealous or concerned she said she didn't care but it seems to have bothered her. and when I told that to a friend., they said that my partner needs to get over it because I or we work in an industry where we are surrounded by all walks of life, and I don't sit around thinking about the next notch on my belt, or whom I can love, or be loved by. I literally don't even look at what normal people, single people may think. lol 

maybe our relationship is just crazy. IM sure that is likely true. but I still stay. she still stays because we are in teh love, we want the forever, we want the heart and soul, the wedding, the kids, the family. and if I can go back to the work IM doing now, I can actually provide for us which I couldn't do before. so this would be amazing if I can, or we can do this. 

I love this person more than life itself. and I wnat her in my life, and I want to be haappy, and I wnat her to be happy... I want her to show up for me... I want to make plans, consistent plans IDK. 

maybe IM just crazy which is true but so is she. 

losing my mind

I'm pretty sure that I'm certain the world is trying to mess with us. I feel so much emotion. So much anxiety. It's unbelievable timing. 

The other night we went through in depth conversations an reconnecting. Stuff I love but it wasn't the way I wanted it.. because reality is I want that to be able to happen when we're together  we've been around one another long enough that those conversations should be in person. 

Then again idk...

What are the right thoughts to be having.  You know. 

So she went to interview yesterday and you know I didn't hear from her but when I did it was just to say she was going to sleep which hurt. Because I think if I am your everything shouldn't I have been your first call to express the fun you had. Or meeting the people I see daily. I don't know.

My brain is so fucked right now.

I feel so foggy. So much unknown stuff in my head that I can say just about anything. Especially because I feel like garbage... I feel like dying. I feel like physical pain has found me an totally wrapped itself around me. An I'm struggling to breathe struggling to cry for help.

I dont know why I get insecure about friends of mine being friends with her. Idk why it hurts to feel what I feel. An to know what I know. 

And to also have her at arms length right now. After what felt like a shitty night as it was. To more not talking. To more confusion an pain.

I hope that my feeling of foggy is all in my head an its not what I believe it could be. I want the world for us. I want to be able to trust.

But reality is.....

Let's not forget how many times I've been hurt. How many times I've likely spouted the bs about love. An how many times I've been wrong an become the pain. The punching bag. The let's lie sn see how long takes her to figure it out.  

I dont know. It's not who she is. She' made it clear that isn't who she is.

But does it mean it's who I am ? Because I've done it before.... when I found out my then partner was totally cheating on me...I totally went out and did the same. Or the many time of painful nights of having my ex hold a knife to me. Or whatever. Ugh

I don't like bringing it up but the toxic life that we had has spilled over to every aspect wn maybe they aren't that person anymore.. 

It doesn't mean I don't carry the same insecurities 

Why am I wiring about it. 

Because it's what I'm most afraid of? 

Idk. What to think say or do. I only know how to feel what I feel. Sn she knows I feel these things. It isn't her job to make me not feel this way idk

I better go. As I'm losing my mind just writing about it.

skeptical emotions

 I don't know what's happening.. everything seems to be "great" but thats because its like we reconnect adn then the time passes, and then when time passes, its like that "happiness" we both feel, terrifies each of us in different ways, and then we let it destroy us in some way? Or at least for me. 

Im trying... trying so hard to find some happiness because I want to be happy, I want to love her, I want to build our lives together. I get excited at simple talks about the future. I get happy at the idea of knowing I can make her happy with one message, or one conversation. 
I get happy to hear her talk about wanting to have children, wanting to get married, or whatever. its rare.. Then today I read about whether it's possible to stop loving someone. 

truth according to the internet is no.

and I believe that to be true. because there are a few people in my life time that i have loved.. that I have loved whole heartedly. that I think about in ways I never thought love could exist. 
anyway I believe it to be true.. that when we love someone, we give them a piece of us, and if they love us back, they give us a piece of them, or the best when you love someone and they don't love you back. lol there's so much love. 
but if certain people that I "loved" ever came back into my life for help, support, or whatever. I would admit that I would have to check myself, because yes I am happy. but I also will always want to love and support those that were in my life, each person who's come into my life has impacted me in different ways, good, bad etx. 

The person I love right now.. the person who loves me right now. makes my world so bright and beautiful, but with that beauty comes worry, concern. IDK. she recently said that being wtih me has brought out some insecurities that she hsa never allegedly never had before. and so it makes me think.. all my insecurities are on overdrive, all my inner dialogue of pain is overloaded, and sometimes I tell her but most of the time I sit here swallowing the pain, and hurting... IDK

I am in love with her. I want the future with her. but I also feel..what i feel.and Im scared of it. Im trying to be certain. im trying to be trusting..
And today.. I gave up...the ONE most important thing I had in my life.. and I let her take it. and it was hard, and scary but it was material item, that I carried wtih me for a long time, and so giving it up. not easy but it's my token, my devotion of utmost love toward her. and I hope it puts her mind at ease abot the situation.. and i hope we move forwad from ehre 

we have so mch life worth living 

rollercoaster

 Are we meant to feel this insane when we are where we are? I don't know.. I honestly am completely baffled by the power I have but at the same time how weak I feel. 
There's so much I'd rather be talking about or saying, I'd like to be able to share this stuff with my close friends but I can't.. because it's such a rollercoaster.. its one of those why didn't you do this or that. Or why didn't you just talk about it. 

I don't know what truth I have anymore.. I honestly am in a position where I just want the world.. I want to give her the world does that make sense.. with everything we've endured and been tested on..  I dont  want harm, pain, or sadness to be a part of anything.. I just want to give her the world and to let her be happy whatever that means. 
i know the truth for me is that I am still completely in love with her, and in one more motion of that love.. I give up the bs thing that people think matters to me so much. its only been like 4 or 5 yrs with this chain, but it's mattered enough to me as if it was the first one.. so for me to give it up.. for me to let her walk out the door with it.. I'm scared but I'm also secure. because this is my ultimate moment of complete love and devotion to her. if that makes any sense. 

I want to spend my life with her. not that I know how long that will be, or if it will even be possible. But that's what my heart desires. 
But in spending this life.. I also want more than just that.. I want happiness, I want to go out, I want to kiss her while standing in the rain, I want to walk hand and hand at simple things in life like going for walks, or going for dinners, or traveling anything other than how we've spent our time so far. 

today was a day I wanted to get out and instead that didn't happen and I felt disappointment because it was like when my BFF isn't there there's no one there. and that sucks because Im stuck alone. IDK.

and when Im alone thoughts get in my head.. just like any normal person, as much as you try sit in a room hearing nothing, and have nothign to hear, you always hear something.
When I'm alone for too long... these things come up.. the what/where/when/how the what if, the should have. the doubts, try to cripple me. 

I told her way long ago that I have faith in her love for me. but you know I know now that I am not completely telling the truth because I do get terrified.. I get worried. I don't know, I can't measure the love she has for me. I can't hold it, I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can only have faith that it is there, and moments like tonight, or today. in giving me 6 hours of time.. of majority of that sleeping, or not talking, or whatver. it has me doubting what this love really is.
and then we have moments like the other night. where that devotion of love is so strong that it causes both of us to reevaluate our choices, and yes we are together, but we both had a break down, and instead of reconnecting on our love tongiht, that hasn't happened... so I worry more than I did.. and I don't know what the hell that means for me

How do we get back.. or how do we get past this and move forward... is it possible.. is it reachable because I don't want to lose it, I don't want her or I to die, I want till death, I want the ring, I want the forever, I don't want some BS fairy tale, but I do want something.. Not that i know what that "something" looks like because I've never known love, never known love like this. so I dont know. 

Im feeling shitty.. Im feeling like I need to reach out but I dont know who to call... because they all not the people IDK.. or maybe their advice is about saying to walk away, when I don't want that. as I've repeatedly said I want this. I want this love.. IDK. 

Fuck Im losing my mind just sititng here thinking. IDK what to do... I have no distractions.. adn a lot of pain right now.