truth...

I got so much truth... I dont know what to think or feel. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I want to stay with her. It's super lame... people say I knew what I was getting into. But I didn't. I didn't know how painful these times would be that I have to stand aside. An watch her go thro whatever bs she is going thro. 

For many times. ... I have no damn answers... I dont know how to get her thro these times. I don't know if we're real. But then I say that. An then I think back to one of our last conversations. She had said she was literally ready to die. She had said all this stuff about being ready to die right then an there if I didn't say I loved her. 

I dont know.... 

I do love her. But then I spent my weekend listening to people who tell me people like this are not capable of love.  But she had said she loved me. An I'm trying so hard to have faith in that. 

I wish she'd talk to me. Or be there for me. Or focus on me. I feel like I'm in a losing battle with whatever is going on for her. I dont know. 

I'm so exhausted right now...but I just wanted to say fuck addiction. 

It's literally ruining my life. An watching what I'm watching. Listening to others. I'm like how can you love me 

There is nothing in me that is worthy of love. I'm literally a nobody. I'm not worth that kind of devotion. Over an over all people in my life betray me. So I have major issues when the person who says I'm her forever an yet keeps me at arm length. Remaining a friend or some bs. But she allegedly loves me. I just don't know how to just accept that. Wh3n there is nothing I can compare it too. No way to test it to be truth. 

An I definitely don't know what to do. I'm fuckin tired. Sn I'm hurting an I'm losing everything. 

My reality my future my pain.. I'm feeling as i did before but worse

.