missing it

So I guess...I haven't written in clarity of the events going on in my life...an even then I just dont know what to say or where to begin. I guess the most of it all is my lady is back.........it's supposed to be an exciting thing but I still feel nothing..even being there at the Airport i forced myself to get all hyped on caffine just to feel something..but really it made me really nervous an shaky. It is good to have her back...But like all things....changes in time...........

I've changed...in the last week of my life...everything i worked for felt like it was falling to pieces with each passing day I was getting more terrified at her return, an more afraid of the world an realizing how alone I had become....I didnt do anything else I wrote...that's all I did.... I visited Exodus an Gemini an that's it... Underneath all of that though...there's been a constant struggle that even still is with me now...an it's what makes me scared of thinking of going on this canoe journey.
Im scared that...as great as it could be...it'll also give me my opportunity for this idea that's been in my mind...but who knows you know... I haven't really thought it through...I just have these fears of water enough as it is, an being away from Vancouver even only a few days..away from the things that make me feel grounded, as well as the fears I have being in crowds of people... I worry about all these things...but I guess not looking at the other things like how it could be a good idea....but we will see how it goes..

I felt kinda bad that my lady thought my choices were because of hers...it's not true.... it would've been easy to say it was because of her...but it wasn't that....its not about putting blame or guilt on anyone...these were my choices, my decisions, an my fails... I decided to do these things whether I read that letter or not...
I am listenning to a song right now....thinking of how much I could go back...you know? just rewind it all... to the moments of last Saturday an my decisions, or if anything the anniversary date that would've been the beginning of this whole confusion, an fears etc... I know that I've reached out for help through it all...but Im not feeling like i got the people's understanding, or realizing what Im doing... that just is not a good thing that I look closer an closer at this thing...

I really wish...I was better then this though...I wish that I could've carried myself outta this situation....that I wouldn't think the way that I have been thinking that I'd just be able to get through it... but I haven't...I have felt so weak. so vulnerable. I almost wanted to go to another birthday party tonight but it means going by my lady's place an if I do then that I wouldn't go just because once I get in that area...its like an invisible reality check gets put into my head an I can't help but stop myself from those decisons... let alone the fact is I dont want to be around people that could help me feel any worse then I already do... I mean really... really... I wish that it could be explained of how I really feel...
There's a burden in my heart... in my head...there's a constant need to cry... I need to speak. but Im done talking...Im done talking because it didn't feel like it got me anywhere...if it had then I wouldn't be where I am now...

I feel like I lost.... let me explain more...I feel like I've lost the goodness...lost my lady. lost myself in all these things. About a month ago there was meaning... meaning in my life..meaning in my heart... meaning in my life...an now... everything...everything feels like Im not really here... I mean I had to go to SkiD Row just to remind myself of what it would feel like...to see someone I love down there, or even myself being down there...Im constantly having to bring in these bad things or memories just to remind myself of why Im living.... I lost myself....I lost my lady. I lost it all.........an now....its just this blank person carrying on for whatever reason.... an it's written in my journal of what that feels like....but it aches...an it scares me...I've scared myself into isolation... because once again....if everyone stays away from me, if I keep my distance...then maybe...........maybe everything will be ok.......if not an if something happens to me then i've been distant enough that no one couldve helped me.....so bad....so bad....

I lost myself...I lost it all...I failed. I fell...an im just tired.....tired of knowing how much people believe in me....an I wrote it in my journal...lose faith! Lose faith! just a little! an see what happens! I know! I know! I seen it in my life...in the lives of many many people! Just do it just once an it'll make my day! that faith those have in me...if just a little tiny of it.... just the thought.. I feel it...an then I act on those feelings!

IM LOSING MY MIND!