what happened....

I've been thinking about the heart incident. I went thro some old pictures an text messages without any real memory.. 

I thought about how long I had been without a heartbeat before the person found me an saved me. 

Why did it happen... 

With this thing in my chest. I'm still now limited by things but no real explanation of why it had happened.. 

I dont remember stressing about anything. An to hear that I basically was put in a coma for four days. Thats absolutely insane....

My body didn't wanna wake up.  I was forced to be there in the coma for four days. And when I woke up... I hardly remember everything or anyone being there. 

Every time I think about who was there for me. An having my partner show up.  An do so much for me an then completely disappear from my life. An also that her experiences or fears of if I didn't make it. She was talking to people about ending her own life. 

An yet we're six months after all that. An I can count on one hand how much I've seen my partner. How much I've been in this alone.

An yet even though I give my partner every opportunity to walk away an end this. She doesn't. She stays.. even tho she keeps me completely in the dark an further apart then ever.

If that isn't enough.. 

Everyone who was there for me during my hospital stay. We aren't close now. 

I mean some of those people I work with. Others are family.. 

But just as I haven't been with my partner..I also haven't been with or around anyone. 

I'm scared...

I'm scared to get close to people. I'm scared of building relationships. I'm scared of so much. 

Maybe 10yrs ago. I was making bs live videos, joking around with my best friends. Living what I felt was my best life. An now... I spend most of my time alone. Disconnected 

I desire connection ..but even in saying that I'm terrified to say it. Because it has to be small. It has to not extreme. Just here an there building on a good life. 

I miss being happy. I miss traveling. I miss planning of jumping out of planes. Jumping off bridges. Swimming in shark waters..those were things I had always wanted to do.  An now I feel limited. Am I really going to die without accomplishment of my goals..

I'm scared... 

I cant say much more... I'm losing my mind...

where do we go....

I feel like.  I'm losing my mind. I'm struggling so much. With... my health. Energy. My kid. My job. Being alone in all of this. 

I have been going back to old habits. An recently thought what would my life be if I went even further.. in sense of when I was younger.  I had smoked weed. Lol or drank regularly.

To now.. I dont do either. But a strong urge to be able to rest. Or enjoy myself. A night out. A day to be worshipped all on my own. 

But its not possible.

I have so many trust issues with everyone in my family. I realized by my brother. He told me while my mom was here she went thro all my paperwork. Like mail. Or notes. Or anything that was left visible. 

Makes me realize my mom probably was the type who read my journal. Lol

Regardless... I have to always feel like I'm on guard at home. I have to ensure I hide all paperwork. Anything that hints at anything in my life. Because for real. She has two other children whom I will never have a relationship with an I honestly hate them both. 

An my mom has a relationship with them. Like she talks to them an hangs out with them an would most definitely talk about what I have been up to. 

An I want none of them to be allowed to know me. An so I'm constantly hiding myself from my mom.

An this week.. I have to rely on my mom for watching my kid after school because I am beyond exhausted but I don't have enough time off to skip out two hours early cause my kid school ends at 3. 

I can hardly believe the life I'm living... 

I feel great an exhausted at the same time. 

Meaning....finding myself in a position of being a mom has been great. I love loving my kid. I love creating memories with him. 

But I'm exhausted...alls I'm doing is working to ensure roof stays over our head. Working to ensure he has clothing. An shoes etc. 

This feel like the first year.  That I'm not focused on myself like buying my name brand clothing shoes. Getting my hair done.

I literally cannot remember the last time I bought myself shoes  or clothes. I know when I asked my friend or my partner to get me clothes. But never myself getting things myself. 

Because all of my finances goes toward my kid. Keeping him happy an content. 

Lately...  idk.

I'm struggling... I'm struggling to see purpose. Why do I do these things. Why am I living this way. Why am I allowing people to be in my life that literally take control over me. Or keep me hanging by s thread. 

I know..   or I believe I'm still alive to be here for my kid. But at the same time.  I'm struggling to see where I belong. Will it get easier. Will I survive this. Can I get thro this. Cause another part of me. Wants to run. Get away from the things that are holding me down. Keeping me in the deep end of it. Because I feel like one final straw. One final week moment an who knows what could happen. 

I miss so much. I miss my partner. I miss our life together. 

How can it all have turned out this way an can we make it back. Do they even want to get that life with me back. 

I'm struggling... suffering in silence. An I'm taking it out on myself as well. An I want to go deeper than that because it's not enough relief for me anymore. 

unconscious

Don't see the world like the world sees me. 

I'm struggling... the constant battle... would I have been been better off not coming back. 

Why do I continue to deserve to live. I'm feeling like... I've lost some stuff since coming back. 

Tbh I thought about spouting some truth but I think I'll wait for the anniversary date to say that. 

For today... I'm being tortured by the concerns I'm in a relationship with someone who is struggling with addiction an on one hand people say leave them walk away etc. But that isn't who I am.

Which is weird to say because my kids parents aren't here an havent been around in a few years. An I usually would an should walk away because of all things I don't know..

My partner who hasn't out front told me what's been going on but I've had my suspicious behavior that I've seen an heard from others. An therefore. I finally confronted my partner. It doesn't seem like they want to make a change. An that means I'm supposed to walk away an I dont know how to do that. 

I know what's best for me an my kid but idk how to make it a reality. 

The choices my partner has made or is making isn't effecting affecting me. As we don't live together. Or spend much time together. 

But the hopes an plans were things to grow an become rooted in one another. 

I'm distracted an exhausted... I'm just not feeling myself. And I'm disappointed 

mental health

I see it now. The struggle during the holidays. All the insanity of let's go here or there. Or this dinner or that. I went to no dinners. No parties. No shopping. I did nothing an I only got gifts for my kid. I spent so much of time buying stuff for others an going broke like why bother. These people want to be in my life than appreciate me as is.

But aftermath of knowing I spent so much money on my kid. So much to help him have clothes an toys. An realizing a week before the end of year that I'm like what have I done.

Reality is we all had this extra money an yet none of us have it now. An what good did it do? I have so many bills to pay. An the constant need to make my kid happy is bad. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed. An my relationships. Are none existent. An I am realizing more and more I've gotten nothing out of my relationships with anyone. But everyone who is with me has gotten everything. My blood sweat an tears. My emptied accounts 

An I'm crying at the idea of not being able to feed myself this week. But no one knows that because it's not for people to know but it's a reality of how I'm living 

I cant even understand why. What am I doing. An then it adds up. Buying this or that for this or that or sending money for this person or that. An realizing I'm leaving nothing for myself. An when i need the help it's not returned. 

But everyone can take everything from me 

It makes me lose my sanity. It makes me want to cut. Something I've had urges to do. I'm trying so hard not to give into it. But I'm getting hurt. I'm getting hurt by others an they don't see that. Or they choose not to see that. An I'm drowning in that. 

I keep thinking to myself I wish I didn't come back. I know I'm selfish for these thoughts but it's so hard to survive. It's so hard to live. It's hard to need. Want. Desire. An to provide not just for myself but for my kid too. An not have the necessary finances because his selfish mother lied to the government an said this kid was not with me. But I've given court papers that say he has been with me forever. So why are they taking shit from me.

Ugh the list goes on..

I'm drowning and I'm struggling. 

I watched a movie. Based on true story about those teenagers who got stuck in the caves. An how they survived for 18 days. An they did by remaining calm. By praying. An meditation. An I'm like I feel like I couldn't do it 

So much bs in my life. My friend told me recently that because of thr icd. Not only will I never scuba dive. I'll likely never jump off a plane or bridge because of the device in my chest. I had a bucket list. A thing I was working towards an now those ideas are gone. An I have to readjust because of some unknown be heart thing. I feel like I'm a hermit now. Because not just these little things. 

So much.. .

i can't keep thinking about it. As I'm getting more upset. I need to runaway. Stop paying all my bills an rent. Just spend money on myself lol

I wish...I would love to go into the next year with some security for my finances or whatever. 

But it feels like no matter what I do. My finances are a serious problem. Idk how to survive...

I tried to bring lunches to work. I tried to have gift cards for any other needs. An yet... I'm going into this with hunger. I don't have enough snacks or food. 

I'm just feeling helpless. An if I tried to get help for it. Idk. I honestly am not buying things I can't afford you know. I'm not eating at restaurants..or buying taxis or ubers or fast food. 

I'm just not sure how I'm so broke all the time. 

injection

I feel like as it's raining in my life. Surviving these days have been hard. An now even though I have no idea what happened or why it happened. I'm back to focusing on my car crash injuries as I'm struggling with chronic pain. But I also can't help but think of Christmas. Think of my anniversary with my distant partner. Think about all the things I've lost in my life. 

I say how happy I am without my family but it's not that but the fake pieces of that family. The people who only want to bring me down. Reminding me where I've come from an who I was. Or how I've failed at being a sister. A protector. Or how I brought this darkness in our lives. An of course how I planned to steal this kid I've had for five years as if I wanted this life. 

Believe me. I look back at my life.. I've spent so much of my life not having a kid. I thought about the way I was brought up. What I was brought up into an I didn't want to carry that on. I didn't wanna continue with the broken generational trauma. I knew this at a young age let alone that I just knew it wasn't for me. 

An yet five years ago my life changed... an in the snap of my fingers I rearranged my life. An quit my dream job to care for this kid. An I spent the following years building myself up to ensure to give him a good stable home. Full of love. An full of dreams 

I am terrified everyday... I dont wanna screw this boy up. But I'm sure I will. An if not me. Then it would be the truth of his parents. 

I recently talked to someone an my continous question to his biological mother. Is she enjoying her life. 

As that was what she was supposed to be doing within those 3 months of me temporarily having him. 

An instead her life blew up and yes I stepped back because I couldn't support her an care for her kid an make a living. An I tried to stay in touch until she spouted some bs about this being my plan all along to steal her kid. 

Having him forever wasn't my plan. 

I dont feel ok. I don't feel strong enough to have a kid. I am fucked up in all my own ways including my own demons to fight with. I have so many flaws I never claim to be perfect or know it all.

An In the last two years I've been thro so much pain an heartache I hardly believe I'm still standing.

And when I came back...

The only thing that I thought about was my boy. I was so desperate to be back with him. An I felt so much pain in knowing I had to leave him for 3 weeks of all the years him an I been together I never left him. An then all of a sudden my life went to 3 weeks of being gone.

So I know I'm here for him.  

My life only has meaning because of him. My heart only is full of love for him and my partner an they are my family. They are the reason I am still here.

I recently got told that I'm going to require injections... to help relieve the pain from my car accident. An people say it's worth it others say it causes more damage. But I don't know what to do. 

Alls I know. Is I'm living in pain everyday. And I want to do something to relieve that. Because it's hard to live fully with this pain. 

I wish I could say I'm just a baby. But the person I am on the regular basis I am not this. 

surviving

It doesn't make sense... to be honest... I dont understand why I'm alive. I feel like the entire month of August was a nightmare. But then I get the reminder of my heart icd everyday 

My limitations vary in what I can and can't do. 

I'm struggling...

Simple tasks that were easy before no longer seem relevant  

I think of all these bs movies an things that talk about someone life changes as they survive shit like this. Or how their priorities change.

An here I am back to where I was. Doing the same things as before. 

I feel completely lost.

I feel like I just don't know how to get out of my head. Get out of my house. An move forward. I have built relationships with people who bail on me. People who sell me out. Or come up short. But when they need me I always answer I always respond. But when I need support help or anything I'm left behind.

Currently I wanted to talk about something. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't know who I can turn too. Because the issues are so different. So not my normal stuff. I'm scared to write it. Speak it. Acknowledge it because I could be wrong. But I could be right.

It's not very often I'm placed in situations like this one. I feel completely out of my element. Which doesn't make sense. 

I'm struggling...to speak truth. An to know where I can trust to say those things that are deeply rooted in me.

I'm also struggling to see why I'm alive.

I'm sure people who've been thro this can relate. How'd I die. An get found at the moment of death. An how did I get in an induced coma for 4 days. 

What the heck did I do.. how did it happen. An what should I be doing. Where was I. When I was in the hospital in the sense I was gone for 4 days. Imagine that. Who knows who was by my side. Who knows who came to me. How did everyone know or be there. 

I'm also grateful to those that supported my kid an were there for him.  

I just I don't know why. How. When. An idk.. it just a huge mess in my head. My heart. 

An I am feeling hurt. That my friends idk. I haven't told them much. They say just move forward but how do I do that? If I feel this way? U know. Idk.

So much crap... I still can't even be honest. But my mind Is lost. 

the past

I'm struggling with everything... my mind is always racing an I dont seem to have many people to talk too. It's weird... in the beginning of my surgery recovery I couldn't find a moment alone. An now not many people answer their phone 

My mind is racing...specifically about someone... I realize that yes I'm in a relationship with someone I love an want to spend my life with. However...  this other person.  Was someone from a time almost a different period of my life. When I was going to become someone completely different. 

My favorite about this person.. was the late nights. Talking for hours on end. An being able to call the person up an go for long walks. Or chillin at the nearest 24 hour Tim Hortons. Or laying in bed or watching TV. 

This person knew me in a different way. An altho I loves them an feel like I still love them. I don't know what I'd do if they came back into my life now. 

I was ready for the whole package when we met. An I remember the last day I saw them. I was at the bus station. An when i ran into their arms. The safe feeling the feeling of being home. Was all there. An when we went for breakfast they ordered French toast an put salt on it. 😆 

An when I went to catch my bus to go away for Christmas they said they had a dream that this was the last time they would see me.

I called an we talked everyday. I vowed all this love to them but...when I went home for Christmas....well wasn't home.  Was my family. 

My whole world erupted. An everything changed. An yes was the last time I seen them. But wasn't the last time we talked. 

Sadly...when I got back. I tried to stay good. But being back in BC was difficult to stay on the right path. So I went back to the life. An it was fun but when I talked to my special someone.  I wasn't myself. And to them I said I wouldn't sleep with anyone. An I'd wait for them to come to me here in BC..

Eventually that ended... an down a path that led me to where I am now. 

Not a day goes by where I am not grateful for that person. The warmth. The love. The safe haven. The power they had in wrapping me in their arms. I knew this was my home. 

I wish I had stayed. I wish so many things differently.

But as I see now...with my boy.   I see this is my path. The reason I'm back here.. an altho I've made every sacrifice. I have given up so much of myself for my kid. 

I gained a new path with someone i love more than life itself. An long for more than the air I breath.

There will always be a place for Ontario in my heart an soul.

That life. That past. Was so Beautiful so valuable to me. 

I want to go back. I want to share in that love an experience. 

I also want to move forward..  I want to save up an get married. An have the whole package with my partner now. An altho I'm not sure what I'd do if my past came back. I know that my future..  idk.

Isn't set in stone. 

But it is possible to love this many people. Everyone in my life knows how important Ontario was for me. 

I miss that life...I miss those walks. Those hugs. That passion. That joy. That laughter.

But I'm here planting my roots here in BC. I'm not sure why. Lol.  Because before I did it for family. But for the past couple years.  I've axed my family from my life. An it hurts but I'm also very grateful to have these strong boundaries an to respect myself to not let people bring me down tear me down.

To walk away from the people who tried to tear me down. An to build my own family my own life with it all.