if I never wake up

I'm feeling lost. I'm shattered an hurting in pain..like I'm bleeding from a new wound that won't heal. I tried for weeks months to try an be patient. To let my partner whom I've been with for over a year. To let them treat me like garbage. 

Consistently thinking it will change. They will do better. Whatever bs. I've let myself believe. It's fading. 

I'm starting to realize... I dont matter. Our relationship died. An I'm trying.. repeatedly. I am trying to stay connected. Stay in love. But it has felt one sided. I'm the only one willing to reach out only one willing to speak.

I believe her. I believed her for so long. It would get better. She would come back. 

She said... after moving or getting settled. Then it was needing to be in better head space. An now it's what.....

Nothing......

Nothing at all....

I have spent this month.  Consistently worrying. Is she dead. Is she overdosed on drugs. Bleeding out. Or injured in some way. 

An for the stupidest choice. I called for help for her. An they did nothing.  Because I'm the only person who is calling about her. 

An I dont matter....my words to her don't matter.

An I'm done....

I'm done with this bs relationship that has caused me so much pain. I can't even cry. I can't even feel anything but pain. 

When it was good. Was great...but it hasn't been good for months... I tried to stay connected

An tonight I realize maybe I was the only one fighting for this relationship. She said so much but no action to make it legit real. 

So I've been living on the belief in her. An her ability to say so much but do absolutely nothing. ..

I wish I could go to sleep an not wake up.  I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. An know that I have to go thro it. I have to go thro it alone. Because everyone in their right mind.. told me not too. Told me not to have hope. Told me to walk away. Told me everything 

And I ignored them. Because I believed her. I believed every word..  I thought this was my love forever. I thought she was my wife. I thought she was my world. An I'm scared to face it's not truth. It's not real. Once I let go... 

I won't even be a thought. I won't even impact her life in any way because I'm not even there in the first place. An I am the only one going to feel the heart ache because I'm the real joke. 

An because of that. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to face the truth. That I'll never win.   This is what I deserve 

I give my whole world to those I love. I give everything I have. My heart an soul. An I get burned. Shattered. Broken. Bruised an bleeding. 

This is why I'd rather die...then try find love...it's only caused me pain... an I didn't even see this love.

That's the worst of it. I don't know why I thought she'd be my everything. 

I remember how much it meant to me.. 

Fuck I can't think of it. Because I'm alone. I'm not going to get the girl. 

feels like to be valued

I've been trying to think of why it's hard to think of everything..  I thought so strongly that we were gonna make it. By fluke of the last couple days I was sleeping next to her. An I had all these thoughts that it was going to be epic. I thought finally time with her. 

It's not what I'm thinking though.  I'm thinking why are we together. Why are we staying together. When I look into her eyes an she smiles. It is epic. When she lays in my arms it's epic. 

But when she isn't with me. We aren't talking. When we are together we aren't talking. We literally haven't had enough time to comprehend what she had said. 

It hurts to hear that she is listening to other people. She is believing other people about her relationship with me. 

I've tried to be patient. Fuck I have been the most understanding partner in the history of any fuckin person on the planet. I have stood by. Let her put us on the back burner. 

An when I look back at why it matters. I think of the times where she actually wanted me. She actually needed me. When she would call me from the hospital. When I showed up for the first time in almost a month. She said she cried from seeing me because she missed me so much an couldn't comprehend it. 

I think of those times as though she wanted to be with me. Needed to be with me. 

It is possible to survive this?

To survive at the idea that she may not want forever with me. That we are just wasting time ???? Waiting for something to come of it. Idk

I am told I overthink everything. An i watched a video that said an anxious partner or whatever an everything that she had said I could hear it. As If that was what I needed from my partner. My partner who bails on me every step of the way an causes me so much pain that I'm hurting myself to try an survive. 

But I'm beginning to burst into explosion because I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I can't be happy. I can't feel anything but pain. As if one more terrible thing happen an I'll fall apart.

If I fell into old habits I guarantee I'll die.

An that's the worst when I tried to talk to someone about it. They scolded me as if I am a terrible person an should think of what I'll do to my kid. An I thought wouldn't it be better if he had someone more present in his life. Not someone who has checked out an I'm just not all here. I wish I was. I really can't think of him because I no longer feel best for him. 

An its Because I gave so much of myself to this relationship I feel like less of a person. I put on a fake face as if I'm fine. But I'm crumbling. I'm literally dying inside. An I'm fighting to try fight but I'm losing so badly. 

I'm losing the battle. An I dont know why this one relationship defines my whole life. Why did I give her that power over me. Why did I try so hard. Why did I think this was forever 

Why did she

How did we fuckn get here. Cause I'm dying inside 

hold me in your arms

I'm fucking hurting so much. I dont know what to do anymore. 

I spent so much of my time being patient. Waiting for the person whom I love. I've been waiting for her life to get back to some sort of normal life. I thought it would get better 

I've been made to look like a fool. I feel like a fool. I have been told the reason that she has bailed on seeing me is because people are getting in her head about us. We aren't right for one another. We aren't worth the fight for a future. 

I want to give up. I can't fight the world. I can't fight her supports. I can't fight for this love that I thought was it. I thought this was my love. 

An now I'm feeling shattered. I'm feeling shattered to the point of not wanting to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to keep living if this person isn't in my life. 

People said think of your kid. Think of what you'll do to him. An I'm so lost. I can't think

Why. 

Why

Why 

Why the fuck did we talk about a future. Why did we get tattoos. Why did we do all this stuff. Why did we make plans. Why did we say this was forever. If neither of us believed we get there. 

I cant get over all the time an effort all this hope I had seen. Or felt in thinking she would want to be with me. 

I have so much pain an fear. I don't know how to survive the day. I dont know how to move on. When alls I want is the life we had. 

I spent so much of my life seeking love. Seeking something worth living for. I thought I had it with my kid. But something was missing. An I didn't know it. An when I found this love I thought it would be epic. I thought we'd be forever. 

An instead... she tells me that people have gotten to her. An she isn't sure she can get her head straight. An I can't feel anything but pain. I feel shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stay. How to find our love again. I dont know if she is stringing me along to feel alive. To feel connected 

I don't know why. 

Why do I get this type of love. How is it love at all. 

I want to love her. I want to be with her. I see no one else but her. An I don't know if I'm being played. 

I'm ready to give up. Give up living give up this life an destroy it all. I'm ready to fuck up to the point of no return. 

what would it look lik3

I cant remember why someone asked me this question... what would my future look like or my life look like if she wasn't in it. 

Would it be different or about the same. Would I be suffering or happier. Idk

What angle am I expected to look at this from. 

I dont want to think about what my life would look like without my partner. I'm terrified at the idea. Especially because everything I've been doing I've done in hopes of securing our future. 

I want a future that is Beautiful. I want to be able to see her as her heart an soul in light an darkness an to also call her home. She is my safe place. 

I know that even the idea of seeing her. Being next to her my heart pumps all the time. Kissing her. An holding her hand. More than life is worth giving me.

I've spent so much of my life under a rock. Consistently expecting bad things to happen. Always waiting for what I feel I deserve. Which is lame. Because I deserve to be happy. To be in love. To move on with my life. 

However....

There's a dark past of who I was. Where I've come from. An the things said or done to me. An upbringing that is not as severe as others but severe enough that scars remain on my soul from what kinds and types of abuse I endured. 

Spending most of my life feeling like I'd never amount to anything. I never deserved a good life. An it seems to have been reflected in most of my relationships because.... all of them ended in pain an it was always to do with being cheated on. Or hearing them say I wasn't good enough. 

So for the first 6 months of this relationship...I spent it testing the waters... 2x we broke up because of different reasons...

And each time we got back together. An have been together ever since. However... the thing has been that so much has been going on for her. She needed to put us on simmer. An for me that was difficult an painful. Because I felt all those past feelings. An now thst she may be back. I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm being played. Or if I should move forward with our future plans. 

I want to save money. Buy the ring an ask her. Or have her ask me ahahha. 

For odd reason that sounds so weird to be asked. What I wanna ask.

But the thing is we need to be stable. We need to have plans. We need to move forward. An we can't do that when her life is doing whatever 

An she isn't telling me.

I have thought about it... the thing is her mental health is her fear. An I dont understand thst in any way. Because I barely have had to deal with it as closely as I used too. Before it was a little more spontaneous an unstable. But the last while even when she's been struggling...she hasn't ended up in hospital 

To me that means she's doing better. An maybe she should consider what I want. But I can't say that because if we jump all in. What will happen.. idk.

But I cant ask her the question until we test the waters of living together. An she can't live with me till she is stable. I considered moving. So that we can have a fresh spot an she can have her own space inside the place we live so that when she goes thro these episodes. She can still be with me an we can learn how to go thro it. Idk.

I think in love we can make it thro anything but she doesn't put enough faith in my understanding of her. An my patience with her. She needs to give me a chance. To let me make it thro this all with her..

I dont know...

I had thought when she wanted to see me... that she'd want to talk. Or walk. Or anything of value but instead we just drove an didn't talk. An only now I have all these questions without answers. 

Idk.

living on hope

I got told... that I've been living on this false sense of it will get better... for on an off of months on months... I've been battling the ideas... finally feeling like I've had enough...

I watched an episode that had a husband totally go out of his way not to call his wife... even though in a time of despair that would be the person he should be calling. But he waited till after the chaos before deciding to reach out. 

It makes me think of where I'm at. My partner who is supposed to be in a partnership with me. Has left me out of her life for so long. The past summer she was able to cling to me. But our relationship hasn't been like that for any reason.. an then this past month. I was expected to wait. To hear literally nothing from her. An idk... it felt like I was breaking. 

I had lived on her Word. Instead of checking the actions that go with. 

I became disappointed. An more heart ache than what I'd care to admit. 

I tried so hard to stay strong. An just when I was about to give up. When I've felt ready to just walk away. 

She messaged. She showed up. An everything that I've gone thro still exists but it's not acknowledged or whatever. 

I dont know. I'm struggling. 

When I thought of seeing her I thought how nervous I was. How much I didn't want to see her but also wanted to. Because I knew. One kiss. One hand hold. One look into her eyes an she would have caught me back into it all. Which idk if its good or bad. 

And am I expected to see hope again. That now that her life is finally settling that maybe she will come back. But if she comes back will it still be worth it. 

We had plans. We had planned a future. A life. But my issue is that we shouldn't be living separately from one another. As a partnership we should be striving for the same goal an able to talk about it. Able to make it happen. 

I dont know. I'm losing my mind. An I'm lost. Because I want all the things we said but I don't know if it's possible because even tho this part or chapter for her is resolved. The next thing will come up an then what. I get put on the back burner.

My counselor had said she strives for the stability that I have. She likes the control she has over me an she gets to decide most everything an when I try say anything it's met with silence. 

I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Will she ever really let me into her life the way she has invaded mine.

An why is the life I live so worthy of her to want to stay. Because it just living...living to work. To pay bills. Raise my kid. An have some fun whenever wherever I can

I don't know...how can u devote yourself to someone you hardly see. Or talk to. Or connect with. 

I don't know.

silence

I spent so much of my time thinking.... taking in all the actions of others. I tried to no I didn't try to stay positive. Because for the first time. I'm seeing this in a way that causes me more pain..

I fell in love with her. The ideas of our future. I spent the last year pouring my heart an soul into this person. Feeling like I was being heard. That she had felt the same way. We were working on this awesome path

There were moments.. I literally can almost name them. When my presence in her life was the light of her world. Where just by merely holding my hand or laying on my chest was enough to rock her world. 

I never thought it would not go thst way. I never thought it would end. I thought this was forever.

But this month has been more of a reality check of the pain I'm enduring. I'm slipping further into wanting to commit suicide wanting to end my life because I feel like it's never gonna happen.

When I asked her out. She had said she wanted to be my everything. An to this day... I have nothing unless it's with her. She has embedded herself into everything I see. Feel. Smell. Touch. I'm completely involved with her. 

An seeing it now. I don't think it's mutual. I don't know what my expectations would have been or even what her expectations of me would have been. 

I dont know how the silence. The bailing on seeing me. The constant excuses for wanting it to be settled or better. 

If we took the last year. I'd say it's not ever going to be perfect. An that what I understood because I knew what I was getting into. I knew it would be difficult. 

You know there was 2 people I'd say in my whole life that I loved more deeply than this. One of them is my best friend an the other is someone I'll likely never see again.

But the trust. Devotion I had in them. Was beyond any measure of trust. Commitment. Anything an no one in my current life has this kind of love an devotion from me. An there's a reason for that.

However my current partner had said she wanted to be that for me. She had said she wanted to be what they were to me. An there were moments moments where I'd see it.

I loved that part of her. Just as much as I'd loved her letting me be there for her. Letting me hold her. Support her more closely than I have now. 

In my mind there's a reason this has happened an in her mind she thinks it's totally fine to treat me this way without even giving me a 2nd thought. 

I spent today. For the first time not responding. I stayed busy. I kept up with my day but I found myself struggling all day.....all day of what do I say. What will be enough an I asked for advice an no one could give any advice an I got nothing. An so I said nothing 

Cause I'm not in her world. I'm not in her home. For a long time she had said... our family. Our future is what she wants. But hasn't made effort to bring it to life. She has no problem causing me pain. No problem keeping me out of it all. An when I try say anything I get nothing. An so I'm in the dark.

The silence kills me. The pain of what or who or whatever she is talking to or counting on is not me. An I'm hurting an she doesn't care.

I got advice yesterday that made me see things in a different way but in such it makes me wish i was dead. Why did I do this. Why did I think I wanted this. An why is it so hard to let go. The idea of letting go makes me want to harm myself just to avoid the idea of what letting go will look like. 

Idk how to get thro this. An I dont know how she can have all this faith in forever when she doesn't even give me a day. An hour. A minute of her life. How can we be forever if the basic necessity of a relationship of any kind are not present because I'm hurting. I'm hurting here an my heart is being crushed. An I dont know how to survive the heartache. I literally have a plan for the first time an that is not good because if thus goes any other way I dont think I'll be able to come back from this. 

loyal

I'm struggling... I'm always struggling... I dont know how to explain myself or why I have so much faith in this relationship. She knows she's hurting me. She knows what she is doing is causing me pain but it doesn't stop her.

I know she won't show up for me. I was thinking about this.. how great it would be that she'd show up for me. But it's no longer within her capabilities... In the beginning... she was able to jump. Fly over. Or whatever. An now.. I hardly know anything. I know less than anything. An the more I realize this the more painful it is to be with her.

I dont know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know...why I am allowing this to be part of my life. 

I dont know how to let go. I don't know how to walk away. Because I love her. I want to be with her forever. 

I dont know what it is that makes me feel certain. We hardly see one another. We hardly talk. When we started this... I felt it. I felt it beyond a feeling of connection. 

An I loved how safe she felt with me. Or how secure I made her feel by my presence. I loved holding her in my arms. I loved everything. An we carried on for 3 months before it began falling apart. An we tried for the year to figure it out. But no matter how much I try. There's always so much going on in her life. So much she has to do or figure out which means closing the door on me, but instead of doing that. She's trying to hold onto me. 

I dont know why... 

Why is it worthy... why is it that I am worth this. When I yelled or argued with her that week or so ago. I thought she'd wanna change I thought she'd wanna make us work. I liked hearing that me saying what I did. Was kick to the gut for her to see what she was doing to me was selfish and served no one but her. I want to stay with her. I want to fight for us I believe in us. But I want better. I want greater I want so much.

It's funny she had said. That she had to communicate. That it wasn't a problem with me but with her. For the first time I met someone who's worse at communicating then I am. An worst off I feel like.... what lingers in my mind. Is that she had said she didn't feel like she could be herself around me and to me. That seems like a concern.. if you can't be yourself complete all an all with the person you're devoting your life too. Then what in the world is the point. What is exciting about staying with me. In the present I'm not talking about the future I'm talking right here an now..

Why... why. 

And why am I always in my head. Why am I undiagnosed. 

Lol

Out last encounter.. I wasn't willing to be my absolute self.. I had hid some parts of myself from her. An she didn't notice. If she had she'd have seen that I was getting worse in my cutting. That it's escalating. I'm losing my mind. Seeking out situations thst will cause me to turn to the one thing I love an has yet to fall me