always remember

 I can't remember what I wrote in my earlier post, but I am pretty sure it was regarding the struggle right now of losing my entire support system within my family. the one strong hold the one bond I've had my entire life, I always relied on them and to no longer have them with me, and to see the reminisce of what that truly means it breaks my heart. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me but it truly does, and to know that my family is divided. how can my family be ok with this.

even as I write this now I hear a drunk argument happening somewhere out there, brings back floods of memories of the person I used to be. I was so broken, so hurting, I found an escape not cure, I found an escape from that pain dwelling in my soul, the rage, the anger, the sadness, I thought I could hide it away every time I drank, every time I cut. It was such a huge piece of my life, after spending some of my life believing that I didn't want to be another statistic I was living breathing as one because I followed the path so many of my ancestors had, and I had not view of surviving I knew if I continued down that path it would be the end of me. It was like I was just not caring, and I hear this couple arguing an it makes me think of all those terrible times I blacked out, or cut too deep, and it was because of the pain. it wasn't because of the person I was with, it was because I hadn't dealt with myself, and my own darkness, I was trying to bury it deep within, but when I got wasted it surfaced, and when it did I was a demon. I was out to destroy myself, by trying to die because deep down that's what I wanted, I didn't believe I ever would matter, I would ever mean anything, or that I'd ever make it out of this shitty life I was living.

I was so lost. 

Then one day no not in one day. but I finally remade myself, I started small but I started cutting out the people who weren't actually my friends, and I tried to get out of my bad habits and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew if I hadn't done it I'd end my life. I have the scars on my body, the shitty moments on paper. I was a monster and I didn't want that to be my legacy, I wanted more, I knew there had to be more because I felt it as a teenager, I felt that love, and the purity as a kid when I was in the church, and I knew I could have that I could go back to being someone not no one, not just another one in that life. 

It took a long ass while, I really had to make a choice and had to give up friendships, and people, and places and things and I honestly felt alone, I felt like this wasn't worth it. 
but then I see from this side, the friends I have now, the family I choose to have now and the son I have now, an it all is clear as day. this is what my future was meant to be, this is why I lived that night, this is why I choose to stop the shitty life, this is why I don't do what I always did. 

and to have my family try rip that from me. my mistake to have my own sister tell me that my son would be better off in a home, in foster care, away from me. it sickens me that she is so blinded. she is so nieve that she would try condemn my son to grow up without me. 
how can anyone want that for their family. then I realized it. 

she has never known the brokenness I have known, she has never seen the things I had seen in foster care, the way I was treated, the way I was tormented, the way I felt about my mom and dad abandoning me to this place where these people treated me like garbage, and I couldn't get why this psycho believes my son would be better off. I have fought very hard to be where an who i am now, and it hurts me to believe she's so psychotic that she would rather see him suffer then be with me. 

The worst of that argument I had with her is that she said my own mom was a better mom than me, and that was the weirdest thing to me, how could that be true? I love my mom believe me I understand her now, but when I was growing up she wasn't there for me, on numerous occassions of very awful things that I had to endure as a kid, she wasn't there, she didn't comfort me, she didn't protect me, she didn't save me, she didn't tell me she even loved me, I had no love an affection from her, and my psycho fucked up sister is trying to say she's a better mom then me!
this was the biggest joke ever, because I've spent every night telling my son I love him, every hug, every snuggle, every playtime we've had, ever toy I bought, every laugh, every tear I have been here for him, making sure he knows I love him. 

that is something I never got from my own mom. and that's how i know my disowned sister is completely off her rocker, to believe that my son could do better in the arms of foster parents, I will never let that happen. I have given up so much for my son, and he will only see the greatness from me, and i will never let him down. I don't ever want to fail him. he means the world to me, and I cannot describe that enough of how much he keeps me in check. I'm grateful for him

I'm sad at the person I used to be, and the past I do have, and the shitty things I did to myself and others back in the day but I'm not that person, and there are no perfect parents out there, and I'm sure every parent has a past. and one day I will have to tell my son who I was, as I wear my scars proudly, as my reminder of how close i came, and how that scar represents the beginning of the changes I made to become a better person, and to strive to change and to become someone my community needed.

I hope one day I can share that with him, as for the brokenness within my family that won't mend, I can't forgive what had happened, the wound is still fresh and they hunger to cause me pain and until I can be strong enough to stand up to that. I have to cut them out of my life, and sadly my son suffers from not having them by my side, and I just hope we figure it out at least for some of my family, but those who wish me to fail, and wish to harm my son, I will never welcome those people back into my life, and I think that's the best choice for us for now. 

KMF 8385 

Struggling day

 So. I don't know where to begin except to say as I type my eyes are all red and puffy. I've been crying for hours now. 

I had a blow up with my moms youngest daughter. It was pretty much the same BS it has always been in our stuff. she has some serious hurts that she hasn't dealt with but blames me for them. Its funny cause she always says I am on this high pedestal that I command my family and friends, I create slaves in my brothers etx. when reality is during this argument she had made it out to be that she was the perfect child, only person taking care of my mom. Reality was I had asked for her help day before to take 10 mins out of her day to drive down a block or two to pick up our mom and she wouldn't. 

But whatever family is family right?

the reality in this scenerio is I get to pick who my family is, I can decide I am no longer attached, and I can choose the friends and certain family I have to be my actual family. 

The hardest part of this ordeal. wasn't that she brought all the shitty things I did, and actually most of the things she brought up either were fabricated, or flat out lie. the things that she did say that hurt me most and above all else. was that I was a terrible parent terrible mother to my son. 

reality is.. anyway who doesn't see the sacrifices I've made for my kid, or who hasn't been a part of my day to day life, they wouldn't understand any part of it. 

so why did I let this bother me? because she's the high and mighty person? i let it bother me because she threatened to have my kid taken from me which sucked,and hurt. like I've done such a crappy job that she thinks my son would be better off with a stranger? without his family? could you imagine, I actually can imagine how horrible that would be for him, how hurt, abandoned he'd feel. then I Realized this is who she is, this is what she does, she doesnt care of the consequences of what she says or says she doesn't even see the outcome that could be. 
she's so entwined in her own hurt an pain she doesn't see what she has just done.

She will see now. let me tell you.. she has lost her family because of what she decided to do. she also lost my brothers, and she is currently in the process of losing my mom. words are hurtful but her words and the way she expresses herself are like lava, she sets out to set fire to everything with her tongue, and because we are her family she brings it all up, not just one or two mishaps she brings EVERYTHING I ever did wrong she brings it up in arguments. 

It hurt. I am currently hurt and hurting. but I can only move forward. and hope that she finds help and support.

as I feel I have found love and support, I sent a post online about the ordeal not even about the detailed incident and had dozens of people come to ask how I am, as well as agree to stand by my side as I begin this shitty venture of the unknown consequences of her slander. 

I can only hope I can write soon stating that I am free of her, and that I still live my life, it is by far from perfect but I am doing what I can to ensure my son has the best life he could live, have everything I never had. 

KMF

reality check

I wish I could rewrite my whole life story. I actually did it once. But I think it got lost in the moves along with my photo albums.. the good an tough times of my life. All that I could remember... I think I even took pictures of the houses I remember living in. Today the talk of my niece going for sushi had me think of specific childhood memories. I had a childhood friend who's parents owned a local store in the neighborhood. We used to eat those seaweed things was so good. My parents never understood why I ate them. The best part of the local store was that they sold those one cent candies. Damn was so good was my favorite to be able to buy the candies. 

Then it had me thinking of all the things I couldn't have. How exciting it was just to eat food in general. If we start on that then comes the floods of bad memories that are too painful to bring up.

Lately we hear on the news how powerful or empowered women feel telling their stories of the abuse sexual an otherwise. How powerful it was for them. However there are some of us who can't always remember the entire stories. There are smells or images that remind me of those terrible times...

When I tried to bring it up with my doctor or psychologist it ended up... they believe that my brain has blocked out the shitty times in my life. Like my brain has build a safe or wall surrounding the bad times or not bad times but the beyond hell times. The pain I endured or heartache or hopelessness. My brain has forgotten the actual entire piece or whatever. My doctor or whomever it was said that its self preservation of trying to keep myself alive an able to survive??? I dont know. Rumor is one day it will come back. One day I'll remember.

Thinking of the shitty past I had. I'm sure for some it doesn't even compare. I'm sure everyone has a story some good some bad. I honestly don't believe my past is as bad as some. I believe that my father loved me. He protected me as best as he could. Was my Hero. I lost him at a young age and I think that had definitely jaded me 

But the thing is... it also helped me stay away from the toxic shit like drugs. .

I'm off on a rant...

I'm saying I'm glad that I can raise my kid. That I am working. That I am able to provide for my kid. That there isn't a time where he's hungry. Where he isn't safe. Or where anyone would be concerned for him. 

I'm grateful to provide him with the essentials in life plus more. Cause I also have gone out of my way to give him what he wants an needs. 

I'm grateful that I work. That I'm respected at my job by some not by all. But that I feel somewhat supported surrounded by the people I work with. To share similar background stories an all be able to rise above the shitty past we all had. Its beautiful.

I hope my kid knows how lucky he has it. That majority of everyone in our family is not in addiction that we all love him an regularly show that love for him. 

I hope he knows how lucky he is an how grateful he should feel. Compared to others...

Anyway kid is calling.......wish I could rewrite my past.... maybe one day 

lost in here

Its going to be very rare id find time to write. But I've had this heavy on my heart for awhile.
Lately I've been accused of being selfish or uncaring about those around me.
I could reminisce about my past. My upbringing or all the shit I gave up to be here for my family. I could go on and on about how great I had it in Ontario I truly believed I had found my one. Found my happiness.
An I literally walked away from it. I got on a plane an flew back here. I tried to get the love of my life to come here, but just didn't add up.
Regardless I no longer feel the need to justify who I am to anyone..
I dont need my family or friends approval for the lifestyle I'm living. I've been through my own hell and I have no fuckin clue how I came to be here today.
The only thing I'm certain of is how giving I am. I'd give the shirt off my own back if it helped someone in need. I've given up my home. My sanctuary my freedom to continue as a foster parents or guardian to my kid.
While on that note! I gave up my entire life! Every opportunity I could have had to move back to Ontario and restart my life.
Instead I gave up my life. I literally gave up the job I loved. I gave up my home. My quietness. I gave up everything to be here for my kid.
Most parents well at least as far as I know..most parents get to prepare for the life long journey of raising a kid. There's a set plan an idea in place.
Whereas I literally jumped into it not knowing exactly how to swim.
Like every new parent I question absolutely everything I do. I don't want to screw up this kids life. I dont want to become another disappointment to him. I don't want to bail on him.
So when I hear people talking about what a shitty person I am. I fucking am lost.
I love with my whole heart. I give with every inch of me. And my love is unconditional without limits or strings attached.
It hurts my spirit to have people talk shit but have no fuckin clue what I've done for my kid an my family . 

one year anniversary

So... today one year ago I became the legal guardian of my son. If anyone knows the story it was approx 2.5 yrs ago I became temporary guardian of my nephew. It was supposed to be a short stay, a way to give his mom a break from everything as she obviously had no idea what she got herself into. 

However in that three months it was like her whole world unrevealed an it became clear that she was not prepared to take care of her son. 

It carried on for longer. An as much as we tried to work with her it then turned into choices... choices that she made the hindered her ability to be supported by our family, and hindered her housing which meant everything for her fell apart. 

So then my life unfolded... this bs life I was living had just come together I just started to live.. without all my own addictions an choices an was able to move forward an then I basically got handed a kid... 

Was funny because I had said for so long I didn't want kids.. I spent majority of my childhood taking care of my brothers and sisters. It was like I was a kid but put in an adult lifestyle.

When I became an adult I decided I didn't want to do it. My upbringing was a bit rough an I just didn't want to commit to bringing a kid into the world. 

Regaerdless after all the bs I went through all the years I've gone through with different things I've likely written here. I basically lost confidence in ever being someone who can be normal.

It happened... it ended up that I actually became stable.. stable supportive job. Stable friends. Stable on all these different things. When I was asked to keep my nephew I didn't hesitate.

I tried to raise him not to call me mom.  I didn't want to embarrass his mom.  I didn't want to disrespect her by allowing her son to call me mom

However it was natural. So I couldn't confuse him.  So I took it on and it was so difficult to do to welcome us into the world. 

My friend gave me a baby shower most unconventional way. Because today one year ago I became the legal guardian of him.  

One year ago he became my official son, an I became his mother. 

I hope his mom can see that one day. I never want to disrespect her but I know that he doesn't deserve to suffer from her choices an decisions. An I hope she sees I'm just trying to protect him an raise him right. 

Thanks for listening 

Finding strength on the hard days

I don't know if anyone ever reads what I am saying but if you ever have, you would have heard about the love I have for my brothers, how much I value them and cherish them.... so on these times it's the hardest to write because the wounds that have bound us run so deep.. I know doesn't make sense... I guess what I'm saying is that I have hurt my family, I was a monster, I was who knows who I was.. sometimes in the joking times, they remind me of the stupid Shi* I used to say and how I used to act. and it's hard pill to swallow, how much of an embarrassment I was.
regardless my brother and I had a fight.. I asked him to watch my son, I literally went through so much to get a babysitter for my foster son, and I just needed someone to watch my son, so i could go have some "me" time and my brother literally bailed at the last minute.. and I lost it.. cause I just gave him every chance to back away, and he just said he'd be there, and he didn't know all the trouble I had to go through to make this one day work.
anyway he went on a drunken rant towards me, which often happens when he drinks and talks to me.. I got told about how terrible i am, and I also got told how much I have hurt him in our past, and how much he has been hurt by my abandoning my family... as they all often put it.
I wish they could see it as it was, and see it from my perspective, the true reality of what it was like for me being here when I was 18. however I could see barely glimpse the idea of what it was like for them. I was the glue, the rock, the boss of them. I was their mother, their caregiver, and I totally packed up my life in one suitcase and left.
I recently spent 23 mins on a phone conversation with my drunk brother, listening to his brokenness and the bad choices he wanted to make because he was hurt by my recent argument with him. the length that I went to try to ensure he was safe. I called in all the troops, I had my sister searching the streets for him, because we were all worried about him. of course he ended up being fine, but the fear that was in his voice.. I almost packed up my kids and hit the streets to find him.

it made me think.. and I know I say this a lot.. but in all my brokenness all those poor people I called, all those terrible things I probably said in my drunken mess. I wish I never did, but I'm grateful for those that answered their phones, or showed up to come help me, or talked me through it.

that conversation with my brother has stuck with me the last couple of days, and i guess put me in a funk. I feel a bit crappy... a bit unworthy to be someone who should be loved by anyone. I did so many terrible things in my life, and maybe not some psycho things, but I obviously hurt people in the most emotional ways, and i threatened other things, and I just don't even remember have the stuff I did and I'm grateful for that, but I am also very aware that I was a terrible person. and I am truly sorry for that, I was a terrible instigator I caused so much problems with people.

I don't even know who I am anymore... the only thing I truly have in my life is my kid. I feel a bit lost without the human connection to people.. to friends.. to family... I have wounded and been wounded by my family so many times that I can't trust them, I can't fall apart with them because they would truly use that against me in an argument in the future. so I can't be myself with them. as for friends well since having the kid all my friends are living their lives everywhere in the world... the people that were closest to me while we all just working, going through all this chaos in our own ways.
I feel like all's I have are these words I'm writing.. that's how alone I feel.
have this strange feeling... I don't know what it is, but I just have this weird feeling that its' going to be get better, but it's also going to get worse.. and I'm not sure how much strength I have to have to endure it.

The world at its finest

So I don't write that often anymore but believe me I wish I could so much has changed in the years I've written. When I started it was probably about the time I moved back to BC. Can you believe I think that's more than 10 yrs ago.
I've felt like I had destroyed my life. When I look back at all the painful things I had dealt with. When I look back at all the heartache I endured. When I look back its painful but I think in my journey of time in my Journey of healing I have started to see the breakthrough.
I was truly broken, I was shattered in all parts of my life. An I never thought I'd ever make it out of that, I believe all my suicide attempts can attest to how lost an alone an scared I felt.
It took a long time for me to even stop cutting to stop letting that be my coping mechanism. I was so drawn to it and sometimes rarely now it pops up in my mind because it was part of my life for more than 15 yr . The scars on my body can be shown.
I was hurting.
I'd like to say it was one woman who made that change for me. I'd like to say she saved me from drowning. But reality is she didnt. She just stood by believing in me. Not giving up on me. An standing there everytime I fell encouraging me to keep going. It was her love and strength that saved me. That helped me look in the mirror an see the monster I was.
It took a lot of changing. It took everything in me to choose to change. I wish I could say I woke up one day and bam my life was different. It took years!!! Years to make those change . To make the changes that I needed to be better.
There are regrets in my changing cycles of life. I made poor choices here an there. An I had some added scars from some of those hurts. But I made it.
Im here. Im now. Im moving forward.
For someone who NEVER thought I'd ever live to see the day. I actually pulled it off.
Not only have I pulled it off. I've got a son. Not in the traditional sense of my actual child but in the world we live in.  I will always consider him my son, an he will consider me his mother until the day comes where I can tell him what's happened an how he came to be in my life.
I never thought I would have children... I honestly didnt feel capable after everything in my life. I didnt want to bring a child into this shi* world. Look at it right now. So much brokenness in the world but I love my kid. An I can only hope to do my best to teach him the good, teach him culture, teach him beauty, let him see where I came from. Let him see where I was an let him judge me based on that.
I dont know what the world ahead will be for him an I but I know I'll give him my all! I'll lay down my life for him.  I'll be his strength. I'll be his love. I'll be whatever he needs. I'll never leave him.
Regardless looking back at my life an seeing it today I am astonished how much it has changed. How much I have grown... an I hope that the world can look more beautiful for him.  I know there is darkness that is where I came from.
Recently watched a tv show that talked about a flower that grows in darkness. Its beauty can still be spoken volumes even in darkness. An that's what I want. I want my life to matter I want to do something great.
I always believed that im on this earth to lead. For others to believe in me the way I believe in my son. I dont know what that means. But I just want to change my community. As much as I want to say the world. I'll say my community first because together we are strong. As one unit we can conquer the world. An that is good enough as changing the world.
Thanks for listening