hardly believe it

I know it's getting old to talk about.. but I guess if you didn't know my entire story about how i got a kid in my life.. then IDK how to explain it..
I can't imagine having him leave my life or think of me as anything less than.

I have cared very deeply for this handsome boy since the moment he was born, I have always watched out for him. I cherish him with every fibre of my being. I can't imagine ever living without him in my life.

I couldn't imagine doing what his mom is doing and just forgetting about him and i know in a small way she is never really forgetting him but she is definitely not being there for him. I just went through my photos i guess feeling sentimental but I just see how much he has grown..
how happy I was when he said Baba, how sad I was when he said dada. and now he says mom, mama not knowing what mom or mama means yet.. but now he's learned to say Up which means bitch pick me up. lol

I have watched him learn to crawl. I have watched him have each tooth come in, and I have watched him learn to stand, and him to see the expression on my face about how proud I am of him.

I don't know what the future holds for him. I don't want to put huge expectations on him but even just for him to have a chance to grow up around a family that is not abusing drugs and alcohol and with giving him the tools for success.. I just can hope for the best, but my love for him is eternal, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to make me stop loving him.

I'm having a hard time... its 3 months away from having him with me permanently and what that process looks like.. i have never ever adopted, or had a child.. .and I am sure the process for this is more extensive than what Im doing.
I don't know if I'll fail.. and Im also certain that I will.. fail at raising him as there is no perfect parent, we do our best with what we have and I definitely will give him my whole heart and believe in him and support him in all I can..

I just hope he grows up at least at the very least knowing that he is loved and that I will never leave his side.

its been hard believe me... its a learning process and I have to learn to cook, and learn to get into a routine... and make his life as structured as the world allows because apparently he depends on that... consistency and repetition.

alirght I'm crashing... I just wanted to tell the world that I absolutely love my handsome nephew and I hope to give him a good life, and I Hope that his mom makes the right decision and walks away.

New Parent

I cannot even begin to describe the time I have had since taking care of my nephew, and how much my life has DRASTICALLY changed! I not only moved out of my home, and got him into daycare, I also have a new job...
I have been back to work consistently since April.... I cannot tell you enough how amazing it is to be able to buy food, to pay for insurance, gas, to buy myself clothes and shoes and tattoos! ahaha
I think I love my job... I think right now just getting through the rough edges is my obstacle and a lot of that is just not knowing people, and people not knowing me. I sort of wish that I could steal my friend or friends from Vancouver and have them come out here and get my back.. I feel so small sometimes and it's hard to be great at my job when I feel that way... constantly wondering, questioning and making sure i'm doing my job properly. and I don't know how to make it better, except that I know I make mistakes and i know I try my best almost everyday...

regardless being back in the working life... getting the money to take care of us!

Do you know what it's like to be a parent! OMFG! I remember when I thought this was just temporary and how it was only 3 months, the first what month I had to deal with colic baby. and then it was nice and beautiful... and now we are in 7 months of this.... and I am a pro all star. Joking I don't think anyone can be perfect at parenting.. even in this I make mistakes, and I wonder everyday if he knows how much I love him. and how much I give up for him. I was talking to my friend today and I was like its been FOREVER since I went out and had a nice steak at the Keg, or gone to see a movie. because all my babysitters have to be pre-approved by his social worker...... Only one person came forward and even then its rare that I get that time.

I definitely feel disconnected from everyone.... all my friends are far away and living whatever great lives, and all my friends are NOT parents or have been parents for some time.. so it's hard for them to understand... I cannot sit on my phone forever, I cannot be on Facebook, cannot pay too much attention to anything because the kid just demands my attention, and I also don't want to be on those things if I can be spending time with him. my favourite is still he snuggles...
When he's happy or sad he will place his head on my chest almost like this is is safe zone.. there's definitely nothing like it..

now whether his mom is going to get him back... this I don't know... I have hoped she would just give him up and that I could apply for full custody of the kid, so that I can make appropriate changes in my life... such as permanent housing (if that even exists) and setting us up... I want to set up some sort of trust fund for him.. an all that stuff.... I want to provide good life for him... I still have lots to learn though... an its been fun and learning experiences...

I have to find a balance of everything. cause right now its just him and I... when I'm at work he is at daycare, but when I'm off... we just spend that time together without anyone else... I hope that I can incorporate people in our lives so that we aren't always alone although sometimes I think he prefers that

I guess for right now.. I'm just trying to find the perseverance to keep moving forward in a time that is difficult... without the pillars of strength (friends) or support at all it's been tough and its definitely very different from my old job... I definitely miss that..

anyway that was quick update I have so much on my mind I can't sleep and hopefully this helped some of the areas, just reminding myself that I'm human, and that my priorities are the kid and the providing for him... and my health

Keep Moving Forward <3 nbsp="" p="">

to the women I loved and lost

this will be a weird entry because I am feeling at a loss... it's really strange to have to think this or write it or know it, or feel it.. so for years and I mean many years I have had two steady women in my life, that I have loved... and I mean love beyond all things, that i would an have done anything and been anything for them. I have always been felt or desired them, but always understood that we would be friends.. always hoping dreaming one day it would change.. and then to find out both were and have been going through all these relationships... and not even seeing what's in front of them..
always wondering would you just look look at me. so obviously I sort of gave up, put it on the "back burner" so to say.. and I have been in relationship, one night flings etx.
anyway recently both women who have never met each other, or anything..both women know how much they mean to me.. one more than the other, only because I have two tattoos for the one woman, was the whole you mean the world to me so I will brand myself with you forever idea.. maybe? i don't know I had to think about the thing/person that inspired me, lite up my world etc and only one woman came to mind. so I decided to get a representation of her on my arm beautiful tattoo, and she absolutely loved it.
anyway I'm off track... so first girl... woman! lives in Germany I've known her since I was in my late teens and she left back to Germany but we remained in touch for all of these years.. and I have written her, sent pictures, she sent me an entire album of her beautiful face. and I have sent her a couple of awesome pictures. anyway I've felt like I poured my soul to her, by writing her emails, sharing my heart, my thoughts, emotions in depth that I don't share with anyone else. and anyway recently after many relationships for her, and lots of heart ache for her, and i have tried to be there for her even though I'm THOUSANDS of miles away. I always told her I would take a trip there, I finally have the passport but then I'm in major debt and I can't even save I don't even know how. anyway so recently she wrote me...and told me she's getting married... and a part of me is happy for her just as anyone should be. but the other part is wishing she could have seen it... seen me... felt me... known me in a way that she hasn't known me... that I wouldn't have waited so long and maybe she would have loved me.. instead she's getting married to live happily ever after.. at least that was her last email to me, I haven't heard anything since.. and I tell you for me reading that... my heart sunk.. the woman I have wanted, yearned and desired is now going to be off the market.. she'll always be one of my greatest friends but I won't even be able to tell her how I felt...or what I thought.. I don't even know if I will ever even make it to Germany. I always wanted to go, it's in the top 3 places I am wanting to got to before I die.
the second woman.. is far beyond any woman in the entire world! no woman, no relationship no friendship has ever been able to top this woman, she has been the pillar of strength, loyalty and resilience a combo of greatness that I cannot even match.. no relationship I have ever had could even compare to this.
a love so deep beyond all things... and I mean beyond all things! when I met her I loved her. there was a beauty in her that I could not comprehend.. I had to have her in my life. and although she came into my life at a very low point in my life she came into my life, and stuck by me in a way that no one has ever... and although she often said things that were different.. my ex gf back then told me the truth once this always this. and I didn't believe her.. and yet here I am! here I am once again reading an email that is exactly what she has always known.. and I'm baffled... the woman I have loved for so long, the way her eyes, her laugh, her hands, her everything and to hear her tell me she finally has seen the light, finally seen what my ex already knew.. and to hear her say the same thing.. she is madly in love... and I again sink... to the bottom of the ocean
tears flow through me as I realize is this really happening...can I wake up from this dream. and of course my friend tells me tell Germany the truth.. the truth that I love her, and I would pick up and move there and marry her.. but reality sinks in.
before last summer yes.. I would have picked up bought a ticket and went to Germany just to tell her I loved her.
but now... things are different....
now....
I'm the "foster parent' the aunt to a child that is in my care. I have been caring for him the way a mother does, and I have been connecting with him the way a parent would. and i have bonded with him the way a mother should. he is connected.. he can't sleep unless he feels my hand on his chest, he can't sleep unless he has that special bear that is our bear. he can't sleep unless he hears me sing (terribly sing) the song that puts him to sleep.
my life now is changed... forever! after he leaves I"m sure I will want to go through it again with my own child, but at the same time I'm torn because of the way his IDIOT parents are I'm thinking he's going to be right back here with me again, and eventually he may even get raised by me. and because of all these possibilities theres no way I can move to Germany
I guess this is the great sacrifice...

I love this child as if he were my own.. and I will defend, protect, nurture, love him beyond all things and if that means I can't confess my love to either of these women.. than the loss is what I will feel, and I know this means "they aren't the one" and I'm sure in some sense that's true.. but can't i just feel the loss... the loss of two beautiful women that I loved, and will probably forever love beyond all things..
I know be happy for them and in a sense I am but I am also feeling the loss because I loved them.

all's i have is the family drama, and the love of a beautiful nephew that loves me, he is the cutest most amazing kid in the world.. and I guess having his love for now will mend my soul until the person who is meant for me comes into my life..
they better like kids because this kid will be in my life forever.

new world...new age?

Maybe it's only me that has learned this..or maybe this has been on going for some time...
I'm honestly disappointed when I see young people having relationships and thinking "this is the love of my life" and they have to do whatever they can to keep that person in their lives.
my sister has my nephew....and then the baby daddy leaves...and not only leaves he also on several occasions jeopordized the safety of my nephew..anyway he leaves thankfully! and then get another girl pregnant...and now...my sister is in this love triangle with this piece of shit...who leaves to go back to his pregnant girlfriend, but when that girlfriend kicks him out then he goes back to my sister..
He is a piece of garbage... manipulates everyone and has nothing but all talk about how he is going to get his family back, and how he's going to raise his son etx. and yet the first visit whenever that was he got his kid sick and then took off like a piece of shit.. and now returns again...and finally someone speaks up and says your either coming or going but you cannot continue to come into my nephew life and confuse him
so then the piece of shit says he's staying... and then has the nerve to ask me if my nephew needs anything. Bitch I've been with my nephew from the moment he was born, I fed him his first bottle, I was the 3rd person to hold him. and I have been there...giving my nephew everything, and anything, and everything he could needs, desire or want. so no baby daddy, piece of shit.. the kid needs nothing except for you to disappear..because this guy will do nothing but cause harm to his child, and even if he stays then he is now abandoning another child that hasn't even been born yet.
and my idiot sister has the nerve to say she is thinking of having another kid. bitch you haven't even taken care of your first child, maybe focus on that rather then thinking about putting another child in the system.
the only good thing is my nephew isn't in the system... I have helped prevent that from happening.. but everyone who told me...while my nephew is attached to me.. I see it in his eyes... when I walk away and come back, his excitement, when he cries for anything he searches for me for comfort, and he looks for reassurance about people around us. the only people he is sure of is my mom, and my youngest sister.
its a beautiful thing to have a kid attached to me... to look in his eyes and know that I am his whole world, and that he knows from the depths of my soul that I absolutely and utterly love him. people say his happiness is because of how I have taken care of him, and his advancement of crawling, and holding his bottle and is attention span is because of my time and care into him
I can't imagine what it will be like when he returns home... to a family that knows nothing about him the only good thing i believe is that my family is there, in the sense my sister doesn't have her own place and therefore she is living with my mom..and so I will have some sense that he will be safe. however if in the next few months someone decides to give my sister housing...while problem is that she has no conscious idea how to say "no" to baby daddy who can and will show up intoxicated, and they will argue and fight and jeopardize the safety of nephew.
honestly it's in their history and it hasn't ever changed and I don't know if it ever will and my concern is that my nephew will be exposed to that.. and I pray to whoever is out there please don't let my nephew grow up being a womanizer, or abuser to anyone.. let me at least show him pure love, and affection, and safety and security and traditions and culture
don't let him grow up like everyone else.. let him be amazing.. beautiful and handsome all in one, to show that men can love women without the manipulation, or control, and insecurities.
I worry so much... but I pray I'll be here of him... I've be assured that I will always be apart of his life in the sense that he will be with me on weekends... until I don't know when.. lets hope his idiot parents don't train him to hate me, lets hope that my love runs deep and that he knows full well that there is definitely beautiful things in this world.

its all that is on my mind

I guess... its funny because when my sister (his mom) was born.. I was all "I hate that baby" because the baby belonged to a man who tormented, tortured, abused me, and my family, and hurt my mom in so many ways.. I wanted to hate this unborn child because it belonged to that man, and that would always be my memory of the father..who hurt us so deeply for so many years.. and then when I held her for the first time... just looking at this fragile little thing... my heart melted, my dark soul was lit. I knew that I could love this baby, and that I could maybe make a difference in a small way.. I could love her the way I was never loved, all the memories of all the things I wanted as a child I could give to her.
I had lots of bonding time with her. I read to her at night, I hugged her everyday, and I said I loved her always. I showed how proud an happy I was for her, and I made sure no matter what that she knew I loved her.
I expected her to grow up to be something great... something amazing with her life, she used to talk about all these ideas of all these awesome things that she wanted to be.. i think she even said she wanted to be CSI crime scene investigation etx.
and yet.. I left... i went away when she was young and when I came back.. that love and devotion seemed to be there but there was more in her life.... just 5 yrs I was gone, must have felt like a lifetime to her, and she changed..
and instead of her respecting our family, or our mom, or even the world... she became selfish, self-centered, lazy girl..

and more so...according to society.. she is typical... letting a man have control over her life, he made her, convinced her to have the kid.. I tried to tell her that it wasn't a good idea.. I'm much older then her and only now had thought of going through with having a kid.. but I had all these things to consider.
and instead of listening to me.. she went ahead with it. she believed the piece of shit.. that they would be a a happy family, an that he would take care of her, and their child. and I think it lasted 2 to 3 weeks and he was gone.
he came back when my sister had money but always disappeared..  I stayed consistent in the picture.. I've been there since my nephew was born... with the minor lapse when my sister got mad at me over money of course.
anyway its sad...

I wish I could just take my sister and show her, let her see what I see. this is unhealthy and now that she has let the piece of shit back in her life... it has delayed the return of my nephew back to her, because now they don't just have my sister to consider as a parent but also the piece of shit who has done nothing but abandon his kid, and/or jeopardize the health and safety of his own child, or even leave his child with strangers because he was intoxicated.

it's a sad world, a part of me wants to not give him back a part of me believes I can give him a much better, greater more beautiful life. but that's not my call... I just can be someone that he can escape to when shit gets real at home, I can be the one he calls when stuff gets chaotic at home and i can talk him through, or pick him up, and maybe found my new ice cream bestie.

I just hope of all things that this kid knows how much I love him and how much I want the best for him.! I definitely can't have a kid until I know my nephew is safe....

sick child

I have definitely made it known that I'm upset at the system, and reckless parents. as I am taking care of my nephew... we have visits with his parents 3 times a week, but the first visit, douche bag father was sick and passed it onto my nephew. I just got him over a cold, children being sick is the worst thing in the world! Because I don't know what hurts, and/or how to make it better... I have to just guess, I made a doctors appointment, and a complaint to social services that it's not ok that I have to bring my nephew into an environment where he can become sick because they aren't paying attention, its like they don't even care.
So other than this drama I guess the only thing on my mind... is insanity! the person I have been deeply connected too, the person I've poured my heart and soul too, the person who has told me her deepest deisres...she told me she's getting married....
My heart sunk.. unbelievable! people tell me I waited to long... I should have told her... should have told her that I wanted to be with her! that I could make her happy, that I could who knows what... and instead she's gone.. and I'm completely messed up about it
someone said I should just tell her, but I can't.. I can't because she's thousands of miles away, me pouring my heart out will mean nothing right now... because I can't leave.. I can't jump on a plane an fly across the world...
My life at the moment is here.
I'm having a hard time with everything.. and taking care of my nephew is amazing and beautiful but at the same time things seem like they are falling apart and it's hurting and I don't know how to process everything
I am trying to keep it together but you know I'm struggling... Im not talking to anyone, not going out... and now that Elijah is sick, we are definitely stuck at home yet again! he just got better, the weather just got better and we were gonna do walks and stuff and now back to staying inside this tiny space forever
the other thing is I'm not sure what will happen... when he goes home... what if he thinks I abandoned him... cause by now he definitely knows who I am, and we are definitely connected...and in like 2 to 3 months he'll be going back to a shitty home with shitty parents who are selfish young punks. theres nothing I can do to prevent that and even then I want to go back to work...
things are so chaotic there I miss working for sure..
I'm losing my mind today and everything is painful today

I can't write anymore because I'm beyond frustrated!

anti-depressents

While I guess I should mention that I stopped taking the antidepressants.. basically when my sister let my nephew back in my life, my life became normal, and I felt like I was back in the family, and didn't see a reason to take medication as I'm not exactly sure there is any imbalance.
anyway so I think I missed thanksgiving back in November.. and then since my nephew has been in my care. at first I was allowed to hang and visit with him at my mom's but then stuff got bad..
I know a lot of it has to do with hurt, my sister is hurt that she lost her kid, and that she has to do all this stuff in order to get him back. as well as that he's with me.. and that he is and will have grown attached to me.
so on Christmas my sister got upset with me.. because we were doing supervised visits where i would monitor the visits she has with her son, and i decided to go get coffee which meant I couldn't leave my nephew with her.. and she got angry or upset about the way I grabbed him.. and she called after hours on me, and I left my moms and spent Christmas alone..no dinner no presents.
Honestly as sad as it was, it was nice because I've never really been a fan of any holiday
anyway so since Christmas things have been dysfunctional with my family, I can't visit my mom's house because my sister lives with my mom. and I can't let nephew see his mom without supervised visits at the social service office which has sucked.
she had two days a week for two hours. her first visit she was late, and her second visit she bailed on. it made me angry because she can get up super early to go to work and all this b.s but when it comes to seeing her own son she just couldn't get up.. and it irritates me.. I mean this is her kid.
she has previously messaged me about how terrible i am, and how I should just have my own kid, and stop trying to steal her kid. reality is...
I've grown up in the foster care system and honestly not all the time in foster care was good.. I honestly have some stories that I can't even share.. and so to be able to be put in a position where I can help keep a kid within the family and to be able to love and care for him.. I honestly seen it as a favor to my sister, and instead she basically sees as a betrayal, she definitely has a lot of stuff to work on.. and hope that it all works out for her.
other than that drama... the new year has started... and I must say since.. I've had plenty of support and love from my friends, and how amazing that has been..
to be honest the hardest part about Christmas and New Years for me... is that someone didn't call, message, smoke signal or anything... it's like our lives are over and started fresh without one another... it's almost been a year since I have heard from her.. and it's been really hard for me because I miss her, but I guess...its life... except that I speak with my friend in Germany for like 10 years her and i have been talking... and yet the one friend I had for 8 yrs is gone.... like gone of the face of the earth...
and that is horrible and painful.. I can only hope for the best for my future...
my best friend here in the city has been amazing, she has been with me forever, and I'm grateful to have her in my life.. but it's different and I think that's weird....all my relationships with all my friends are different in different ways? is that normal?
cause when I put them together things weird things happen...
I'm honestly also thinking about my birthday next month... usually I go for dinner with my friends but my friends are all scattered now... and now I have Elijah so I'd rather do nothing...but maybe thats a bad example? I did ask my family to pitch in on me getting a tattoo that would be awesome birthday gift.. I absolutely and utterly love tattoos.
I've already got my tattoo picked out for Elijah and my niece Samantha..
I'm rambling...
I'm doing good, and I'm being a great parent...most of everyone doesn't want my nephew to go back.. but I have to be understanding, and hope that I leave a beautiful mark on his soul that will last with him forever, even if he could feel loved unconditionally or anything.. I would be satisfied with that...
it has made me think that maybe I want to move into 2 bedroom housing, and become a foster parent. I know I want my own kids but I also would rather help my community and be able to imprint my love and wisdom onto vulnerable people, even just to be there for them, or something be a positive role model would be enough for me.
I'll try work on it, either that or I get pregnant haha! that'll be the weirdest day ever if I decided to have a kid, even though I know I'll be great.. and even as a single person I am doing beautifully with my nephew.. and I know I am capable which is beautiful..

so much to consider in this new year...

being a parent PT 2

Since my nephew has been living with me.. I've had to make some serious life changes.. I am currently on leave from work, I am waiting for E.I to kick in..
I have had to start a schedule for naps, feeding, bathing, and my own naps, feeding and bathing.  at first I felt overwhelmed because of the "purple crying" but once I got a handle on that things seemed to come easy..
I know how to handle a baby, I am apparently a "baby whisperer" and I take very good care of myself and now him.
I love this kid more than life itself, I love him so much that i am scared that I have to take him for his immunization next week.. I'm already trying to find someone to do that for me.. haha.. I don't like the idea of seeing him in pain and for that to last days because that's how long it will hurt :(

I never realized how natural being a parent (foster parent) would come to me.. I know almost everything and everything else the internet has been a great help. I've found great techniques in dealing with stuff, proper toys, proper blankets, and soothers, and just development stages what to expect etx.
I am told by most that I definitely have a baby that I made completely happy..
I spend tons of time with him.. i don't spend much time in the world, we go for walks, and i let him play in his jolly jumper that he absolutely loves.
we are currently at the teething stage of his development which has been really difficult but I'm working through it and learning and working on helping him.

I'm obsessed with taking his pictures... and posting them on Facebook and instagram. it seems to be a conversation piece as so many people are wandering who this adorable kid is.. and they all want to meet him. haha

the hardest part about this time is that my sister... I know she wants her kid back and I hope she does everything to ensure that.. but that has caused a huge gap in her relationship with me because i am doing better at being a parent than she is.. a few times in the beginning she kept saying she wanted to give him up to me...because I do better at everything.
i know how to soothe him, I know how to put him to sleep, i know his favourite animal, i know what song to sing to him. etx. the only reason I know these things is because I spend time with him..
I don't spend time on my phone when I'm with him (unless we taking a selfie) but most of the time it's just him and I. and it's been a month, and he's definitely attached to me.

all my thoughts about wanting a kid and being a parent... while this is definitely proof that i would be a great parent and that I definitely deserve to be a great mother to a child,
although I say all these thoughts of being a parent... truth is, I honestly believe there are a lot of children in the world, in the city that need a good safe place to call home.. and I would rather be a foster parent and work on that... so that I can share my abundant love with all

ok he's sleeping its my turn to sleep for a bit too