I can't even describe the last week of my life..besides horrible... I have been harassed and stalked by my ex.... and no matter how many times the cops tell her to stay away she won't..
an if that wasn't enough, she also started telling people some slander about me, lies about me to the point that I had to get tested just to make sure it wasn't true.
and if that isn't enough... she has done nothing but message me telling me how horrible I am as a person, and human being.
The psychological abuse, and the constant edgy feeling I've had about her showing up at my home, my work, or anywhere I might be.. has been ridiculous I can't even deal with that.
You know this was the person I felt something for, I felt love.. and my counsellor stated it's true I could love someone, but not be with them. I loved her and wanted her to change and not be who she is, or has been. I tried to tell people she was trying and in some sense maybe she tried...but she didn't trust me, or my friends... these are long lasting friendships I've had for over 5 yrs with each person, there has never been a thought in my mind that I'd want it to be more then that. I never thought of cheating on someone I've been with, and/or emotionally hurting someone the way she has hurt me.
It's been I guess a week since this all ended,and then she came back like a force of nature, continuing to belittle, and try and hurt my feelings.. and as much as I tried to say no it didn't hurt... I feel it, I hear it. and I am hurt.
I can't believe this has been happening to me.. and worse off feeling completely alone! people always to be there for me.. people want to tell me this is easy and I can make it through this...but it' hurts, and worse off is that I had to confess this to my boss... who hasn't said anything to me... but I could only imagine the things people are thinking about me! my honest response wants to trash her, and hurt her the way she is hurting me, or something terrible.... but I know it'll get me no where, and that's not who I am... so I just sit here, absorbing all that she says and hope that it doesn't affected me...
I've had a rough week... but I must say.. at the end of it all... I feel ready for it to be done and over with! I don't care what anyone thinks of me..not anymore... and I've learned my lesson not to let someone in my life without fully knowing them..
Apart from that insane bulshi*
Things are changing... whatever reason that they are! and I don't know what to feel about all of that! I guess I'm hurting and I guess it's been difficult to live each day, and not only that... I allowed my addiction to come back in my life and that's hard to let go of... no matter what I say or do! that feeling is erupting within me and i can't hold it back, only one person knows the truth of it all! but I feel like I'm losing it! I can't figure this out right now.. .and can only hope that people will be there for me.
Or that I learn to call out for help... IDK.. Just hard days, and it's not getting easier
Monday, January 23, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
Fly me to the moon
I don't know how things can go so wrong so quickly? everything is always been weird and awkward. but then at moments... nothing could be more greater, the amazing feeling of sleeping in her arms, or kissing her lips.. The complete admiration she has for me there isn't anything greater than that.
Today... I am completely all confused as always... and although I talked about all my problems and all the crazy things we've been through, someone asked me...what was it that drew me into this relationship what was it that made me think there was something more then what I was! And as soon as I started talking about it, all these flashes came in my mind of when we met, and I don't know what it was that made me pursue her... but she made me feel alive?
An the time that passed.. she is different then anyone Ive ever dated... she is not the same, and I think i liked that a lot, because all the women or people I've been with have been a type.. not that I know much of that, but that the way she made me feel, and the way she was with me.. I can't help but think it could've been better...
I know it can't be better... the amount of times that have troubled the both of us.. I wish I could say wasn't just me, but it is both of us.. two toxic broken people trying to fit together to make something great, beautiful or perfect.. .the impossible task that will never happen.. no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard I try.. it fails,and falls short, and I only cause more pain! yes I said that right.. She continuously told me that I was only hurting her, and me..being me... on the defensive, while she lashes out at me, trying to hurt me, bringing up scenerios that have been difficult for each of us, and then blaming everything on me... as if that's what we needed during this time!
I'm trying to stick to the positive of it all, but reality is that I need to walk away, I need to be free from all the things that make my life more difficult. I just wanted someone to share my life, someone to enjoy being in my life, someone who I could adore and love... someone that I didn't have to constantly reaffirm that I'm not cheating, lying or having my friends as my girlfriends.. Most of the amazing people i Have in my life have been there for years on years! I doubt I'd ever want to screw that up but getting with any of them.. of course except for one, but that''ll never happen because she's a straight woman! and I try my best to remember that... lol
Regardless with loving someone... Having "having an intense feeling of deep affection" I was told today that I do love her... I love her in the sense like Sinatra said "she's all I worship and adore" Yes I know lame! But I think if I can give up women that I love for the greater good of themselves.. then maybe i can let this go!
Maybe I recognize not only am I broken and flawed, but so is she.. and although she wants me there, she sometimes needs me there.. she is also belittling me and making me feel worthless, and selfish. all feelings that hurt, and all are not true! I know that I have done nothing to deserve that, just as much as she has not deserved to me hurt by me.. she deserves a beautiful love whatever that means, but I know it's not with me! and I will always love and cherish her, an the good times we spent together, but I also recognize there's more to our stories, this is just a chapter!
I wish I didn't hurt her, I wish that I could've left without that! but I know there's no way to move on without her being emotionally hurt by me, its the only way she'll walk away.. I know that's lame.. but no matter what I've done she's never walked out of my life unless she's hurt.. and I feel terrible for that, but it'll be something i have to live with...
you know it's even funnier because she has been a woman! that I thought I could promise things too, i thought that this could work.. I wanted it too.. but I recognize now that I have some issues, and she has some serious insecurities that she needs to work on..
"I will always love and adore you, but i know what's best for us! this is what I've been saying for awhile, that we aren't ready for this, we aren't ready for this kind of change, this kind of relationship and you definitely deserve everything! and I'm sorry that I can't give that to you! I can only hope for love for either of us! and to keep moving forward!"
i have to stand my ground!stay strong! an not open the door,and not let her back in my life! I don't know if that's possible but it's all I've got! Its the only way through all of this! it's the only way she can be happy! she just doesn't see that right now
Today... I am completely all confused as always... and although I talked about all my problems and all the crazy things we've been through, someone asked me...what was it that drew me into this relationship what was it that made me think there was something more then what I was! And as soon as I started talking about it, all these flashes came in my mind of when we met, and I don't know what it was that made me pursue her... but she made me feel alive?
An the time that passed.. she is different then anyone Ive ever dated... she is not the same, and I think i liked that a lot, because all the women or people I've been with have been a type.. not that I know much of that, but that the way she made me feel, and the way she was with me.. I can't help but think it could've been better...
I know it can't be better... the amount of times that have troubled the both of us.. I wish I could say wasn't just me, but it is both of us.. two toxic broken people trying to fit together to make something great, beautiful or perfect.. .the impossible task that will never happen.. no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard I try.. it fails,and falls short, and I only cause more pain! yes I said that right.. She continuously told me that I was only hurting her, and me..being me... on the defensive, while she lashes out at me, trying to hurt me, bringing up scenerios that have been difficult for each of us, and then blaming everything on me... as if that's what we needed during this time!
I'm trying to stick to the positive of it all, but reality is that I need to walk away, I need to be free from all the things that make my life more difficult. I just wanted someone to share my life, someone to enjoy being in my life, someone who I could adore and love... someone that I didn't have to constantly reaffirm that I'm not cheating, lying or having my friends as my girlfriends.. Most of the amazing people i Have in my life have been there for years on years! I doubt I'd ever want to screw that up but getting with any of them.. of course except for one, but that''ll never happen because she's a straight woman! and I try my best to remember that... lol
Regardless with loving someone... Having "having an intense feeling of deep affection" I was told today that I do love her... I love her in the sense like Sinatra said "she's all I worship and adore" Yes I know lame! But I think if I can give up women that I love for the greater good of themselves.. then maybe i can let this go!
Maybe I recognize not only am I broken and flawed, but so is she.. and although she wants me there, she sometimes needs me there.. she is also belittling me and making me feel worthless, and selfish. all feelings that hurt, and all are not true! I know that I have done nothing to deserve that, just as much as she has not deserved to me hurt by me.. she deserves a beautiful love whatever that means, but I know it's not with me! and I will always love and cherish her, an the good times we spent together, but I also recognize there's more to our stories, this is just a chapter!
I wish I didn't hurt her, I wish that I could've left without that! but I know there's no way to move on without her being emotionally hurt by me, its the only way she'll walk away.. I know that's lame.. but no matter what I've done she's never walked out of my life unless she's hurt.. and I feel terrible for that, but it'll be something i have to live with...
you know it's even funnier because she has been a woman! that I thought I could promise things too, i thought that this could work.. I wanted it too.. but I recognize now that I have some issues, and she has some serious insecurities that she needs to work on..
"I will always love and adore you, but i know what's best for us! this is what I've been saying for awhile, that we aren't ready for this, we aren't ready for this kind of change, this kind of relationship and you definitely deserve everything! and I'm sorry that I can't give that to you! I can only hope for love for either of us! and to keep moving forward!"
i have to stand my ground!stay strong! an not open the door,and not let her back in my life! I don't know if that's possible but it's all I've got! Its the only way through all of this! it's the only way she can be happy! she just doesn't see that right now
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
the unknown
So here I am again with a dilemma.. I'm in weird position and this is what I need to question because honestly..maybe I don't.. But that's why I'm writing.. from all this crap the media, the world has put on my life about love, and relationships.. I feel like maybe I should be letting go of this one girl! this one girl who for some odd reason, makes me feel more alive,more loved, and more worth it.. but at the same time, she scares me, in the sense that her insecurity makes it hard to live my own life, or her neediness or not understanding that.. yes we can be together, but we should also be able to be apart.. closeness/separation.
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!
and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...
I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give me my solid ground...
Leela James "fall for you"
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!
and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...
I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give me my solid ground...
Leela James "fall for you"
Friday, January 6, 2017
Universe or stalker?
So my last post about everything... as soon as i hit publish she came to my house... It was very awkward and weird.. and of course I was all vulnerable and apologetic for all that she is currently going through.. And as much as I want to be there for her.. I think I'm losing my own mind..
I wish I could say its entirely work related..but it's family, it's friends it everything piling up, and of course not to forget financial issues.. oh and on top of that I'm having to move in about two months. so everything is becoming insane and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I just need to focus on what's happening and how terrible everything is... I totally emptied out my savings account, the one that i was saving to fly to Germany.. it's all gone,and I put it all in my credit line and then of course spent it all. so I absolutely have nothing..
Every time I leave my house I'm taking a chance at having nothing to eat, or drink. so I stay home.. and even when I get paid... my money is spent on bills.. but I feel like I need to make change and make a solid decision to be like not going out, not doing this that or the other thing... I eat out a lot, I go out a lot, I pretend I'm rich.. and I'm not.. I wish and hope I can win the lottery... just put all this money issue away.. and focus on the present.. but yeah.. I hear the giggle.. even if it's not money issue, it'd be something else.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and not moving forward..and with that I begin to feel depressed and scared of how I feel. and I feel like things aren't happening fast enough, and my friends and family hear and see nothing.. and that scares me.. to be completely ashamed to say.. you know what I could use this or that today, or I could use a phone a text or coffee or something.. some sort of acknowledgement that even if I'm not having a horrible time like now.. that someone is there thinking of me.. cause at this moment the only person thinking of me... is someone I can't have because we're toxic people... it's like we bring out the worst in one another.
I don't even know what to think of all that.. why think that way? what is it that makes it that way? is it something I do? or the people I attract? even some of my friends are crazy. lol.. but Idk.. I'm in a confusing spot right now and it scares me, because it's continue to the unknown. I need to get something, I need to focus..
My new counsellor... has been interesting and it's been the hardest days ever admitting that I'm back to counselling but it has to help>.. hopefully.
anyway my counsellor was all like... with everything I had going on... she's like... used an analogy about two best friend dogs.. who've been together for such a while, and then you take one dog away and the other dog waits at the door waiting for its friend to come back. basically it takes time to heal, and it takes time to process what I'm going through. and I don't know how to process what I've been through, an why i still feel what I feel for her..
All's I want to say is crazy shi** which i can't because that would mean that I'm caving into whatever I'm feeling and I'm scared to do that... because I don't know.. my friends and family have made up their minds about my relationship with her, because of everything that's happened..and I think with time apart maybe we can change? maybe we can grow?
I just hope whatever it is i need to do.. I hope I work through it soon.. because right now.. I just want to be like get over here, because I need to not be alone, and I just want to be in her arms, listening to her...tell me what she always does... that's insane.. and IDK!
"till the end of time" Timothy Bloom
Always and forever loved
I wish I could say its entirely work related..but it's family, it's friends it everything piling up, and of course not to forget financial issues.. oh and on top of that I'm having to move in about two months. so everything is becoming insane and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I just need to focus on what's happening and how terrible everything is... I totally emptied out my savings account, the one that i was saving to fly to Germany.. it's all gone,and I put it all in my credit line and then of course spent it all. so I absolutely have nothing..
Every time I leave my house I'm taking a chance at having nothing to eat, or drink. so I stay home.. and even when I get paid... my money is spent on bills.. but I feel like I need to make change and make a solid decision to be like not going out, not doing this that or the other thing... I eat out a lot, I go out a lot, I pretend I'm rich.. and I'm not.. I wish and hope I can win the lottery... just put all this money issue away.. and focus on the present.. but yeah.. I hear the giggle.. even if it's not money issue, it'd be something else.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and not moving forward..and with that I begin to feel depressed and scared of how I feel. and I feel like things aren't happening fast enough, and my friends and family hear and see nothing.. and that scares me.. to be completely ashamed to say.. you know what I could use this or that today, or I could use a phone a text or coffee or something.. some sort of acknowledgement that even if I'm not having a horrible time like now.. that someone is there thinking of me.. cause at this moment the only person thinking of me... is someone I can't have because we're toxic people... it's like we bring out the worst in one another.
I don't even know what to think of all that.. why think that way? what is it that makes it that way? is it something I do? or the people I attract? even some of my friends are crazy. lol.. but Idk.. I'm in a confusing spot right now and it scares me, because it's continue to the unknown. I need to get something, I need to focus..
My new counsellor... has been interesting and it's been the hardest days ever admitting that I'm back to counselling but it has to help>.. hopefully.
anyway my counsellor was all like... with everything I had going on... she's like... used an analogy about two best friend dogs.. who've been together for such a while, and then you take one dog away and the other dog waits at the door waiting for its friend to come back. basically it takes time to heal, and it takes time to process what I'm going through. and I don't know how to process what I've been through, an why i still feel what I feel for her..
All's I want to say is crazy shi** which i can't because that would mean that I'm caving into whatever I'm feeling and I'm scared to do that... because I don't know.. my friends and family have made up their minds about my relationship with her, because of everything that's happened..and I think with time apart maybe we can change? maybe we can grow?
I just hope whatever it is i need to do.. I hope I work through it soon.. because right now.. I just want to be like get over here, because I need to not be alone, and I just want to be in her arms, listening to her...tell me what she always does... that's insane.. and IDK!
"till the end of time" Timothy Bloom
Always and forever loved
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Letting Her Go
I can't describe enough of what's going through my psychotic mind with everything that I've gone through last year, or all my years!
For the past 5 months I had someone in my life that I cherished, and it's always through loss that you realize these things... I was with someone who valued me, loved me, and adored me.. I had someone who would drop everything and be there for me! and you know what i did? I sabotaged it.. not only that, I lied about everything.
its been a week.. and my heart is being torn to pieces, on one side I want to race over to her house and beg her to come back into my life, and tell her the truth! everything was a lie, everything I said was a lie.. I was afraid.. I was worried and I was exhausted.. I was tired of all the fighting, the insecurities, and all the lies, and thinking I'm lying and cheating blah blah blah...
With what she's going through now... I'm devastated at what she's going through and on top of that she has to believe the lies I told her. and I'm trying so hard to stay away, trying so hard to let her live her life, and to not get in the way..
It hurts so much I had to tell someone how painful this has all been, and that the only mending would be with her, she is the only one who can make me feel better... and yet I can't let that happen.. I have to stay away, and with my broken heart and soul.. I have to fight every and all urges to write her, email her, text her, call her, snapchat, Facebook message, even mail her a letter. So here I am.. at a loss
So i figured.. why not.. write it to the universe as it'll never get in her hands, and she'll never even know..
My Love, i wish I could rewind time to take away all the tears that I caused, all the hurt that I caused, and to just wrap you in my arms and remind you that your loved, and cherished. That every day we have been apart, all's i've thought about was you, and all's I want is you. My heart is aching for you, and I wish that I could tell you this.. I wish I could tell you how much I messed up, how afraid I was by your actions that day, and that I was shut down, I was closed off to the world and I just wanted to be alone, I needed to write, I needed to rest, I needed to mend! and instead I lashed out and sadly you were here, and you did everything beautifully.. I have never felt so loved an adored, and now that your gone, my heart and soul feel empty. I'm sorry for what your going through right now, I'm sorry that I can't be there for you, or with you. I think of you everyday and I can't imagine what your feeling, but from me and my heart (cold or not) I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I cherish you.. and I miss you! and I hope that one day we will find our way back together again!
However... I know... that I'm busted...(broken) and i need to figure some things out, and of course one thing I noticed is that you also need to figure things out.. I just wish we could do all that together, that you could know that in every part of you I am there ready for you, I'm always going to be here for you, you could show up tomorrow and my heart would leap for joy, and I might even cry because it would mean the universe sees beyond our turmoil and sees that I could be happy with you, I have been happy with you! I love you for loving me in my darkness, and staying by my side through everything,and I hope that through this dark time in your life, you know that I'm sending you all my love and strength to carry you through these days!
I love you!, even if we never find our way back together I will never forget you!
Believe me.. I know I'm insane... I know that I'm not normal people... everything i've ever read about myself has proven to me one thing is I'm different. but I'm trying.. I'm trying to work out some things for myself and I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, I just wish they weren't so judgmental about my situation, and yet at the same time if I wasn't completely honest with any of them i wouldn't be in this situation, but I also had to make sure someone was watching out for me, because this is the one thing about me.. is that I'll give up my jacket, my shoes, my hat, my life for anyone, I think I try to be there for anyone more than my own self.. an so the friends I have in my life are people who have to constantly remind me that I need to take care of myself.
And lets not forget that my current role models of amazing love is Joker and Harley Quinn hahaha! I know but apart from them would be Lois Lane and Clark Kent
I know I must keep Moving Forward and hope for the best
For the past 5 months I had someone in my life that I cherished, and it's always through loss that you realize these things... I was with someone who valued me, loved me, and adored me.. I had someone who would drop everything and be there for me! and you know what i did? I sabotaged it.. not only that, I lied about everything.
its been a week.. and my heart is being torn to pieces, on one side I want to race over to her house and beg her to come back into my life, and tell her the truth! everything was a lie, everything I said was a lie.. I was afraid.. I was worried and I was exhausted.. I was tired of all the fighting, the insecurities, and all the lies, and thinking I'm lying and cheating blah blah blah...
With what she's going through now... I'm devastated at what she's going through and on top of that she has to believe the lies I told her. and I'm trying so hard to stay away, trying so hard to let her live her life, and to not get in the way..
It hurts so much I had to tell someone how painful this has all been, and that the only mending would be with her, she is the only one who can make me feel better... and yet I can't let that happen.. I have to stay away, and with my broken heart and soul.. I have to fight every and all urges to write her, email her, text her, call her, snapchat, Facebook message, even mail her a letter. So here I am.. at a loss
So i figured.. why not.. write it to the universe as it'll never get in her hands, and she'll never even know..
My Love, i wish I could rewind time to take away all the tears that I caused, all the hurt that I caused, and to just wrap you in my arms and remind you that your loved, and cherished. That every day we have been apart, all's i've thought about was you, and all's I want is you. My heart is aching for you, and I wish that I could tell you this.. I wish I could tell you how much I messed up, how afraid I was by your actions that day, and that I was shut down, I was closed off to the world and I just wanted to be alone, I needed to write, I needed to rest, I needed to mend! and instead I lashed out and sadly you were here, and you did everything beautifully.. I have never felt so loved an adored, and now that your gone, my heart and soul feel empty. I'm sorry for what your going through right now, I'm sorry that I can't be there for you, or with you. I think of you everyday and I can't imagine what your feeling, but from me and my heart (cold or not) I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I cherish you.. and I miss you! and I hope that one day we will find our way back together again!
However... I know... that I'm busted...(broken) and i need to figure some things out, and of course one thing I noticed is that you also need to figure things out.. I just wish we could do all that together, that you could know that in every part of you I am there ready for you, I'm always going to be here for you, you could show up tomorrow and my heart would leap for joy, and I might even cry because it would mean the universe sees beyond our turmoil and sees that I could be happy with you, I have been happy with you! I love you for loving me in my darkness, and staying by my side through everything,and I hope that through this dark time in your life, you know that I'm sending you all my love and strength to carry you through these days!
I love you!, even if we never find our way back together I will never forget you!
Believe me.. I know I'm insane... I know that I'm not normal people... everything i've ever read about myself has proven to me one thing is I'm different. but I'm trying.. I'm trying to work out some things for myself and I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, I just wish they weren't so judgmental about my situation, and yet at the same time if I wasn't completely honest with any of them i wouldn't be in this situation, but I also had to make sure someone was watching out for me, because this is the one thing about me.. is that I'll give up my jacket, my shoes, my hat, my life for anyone, I think I try to be there for anyone more than my own self.. an so the friends I have in my life are people who have to constantly remind me that I need to take care of myself.
And lets not forget that my current role models of amazing love is Joker and Harley Quinn hahaha! I know but apart from them would be Lois Lane and Clark Kent
I know I must keep Moving Forward and hope for the best
Sunday, November 20, 2016
choked up now
Its been the weirdest three months of my life.. I've never felt so broken or cold.. I'm not sure whats going on with me.. or how it's all come to this.. there was a woman in my life that at first meant a lot to me, but as time went on, she started displaying some annoying qualities that I tried to work with and before I knew it my life felt consumed by insanity.. and every time I tried to break free from her it always tied and drew me closer to her.. until recently I was and have been determined.. there a nasty argument we had a few days ago and it stuck with me, and honestly turned me off of wanting to be around her.. she tried to blame some not so nice things on me, and I had read articles and stuff about manipulative people and assumed I was this, when really if we think of it.. this was her. and the controlling, possessiveness became insane.. maybe it's not wise for me to have my ex gf in my life but things are different, and as for the girl I was in love with 4 months ago.. things have changed drastically.
everyone deserves to be happy... and apart from this woman's broken soul, I had never felt so loved and appreciated..but my issues for my own self is controlling and ownership of things that I have worked so hard for.. it took me a long time to get the friends I have, and to keep them steadily in my life. and I felt like that was the only reason this woman was in my life, and that she was and wanted to take over the people in my life, and the things I did.. she even tried to make my cat love her but he didn't lol.
I know that for me.. I've got so many things going on and I needed and desired my own time.. I have been so used to being alone, and than all of a sudden this woman came in my life and consumed my life, and randomly showed up at places like at my vehicle where I parked my car, or at my house, or at my friends, or at my work. it was hard to want to be honest with her about where I was because I was scared she'd go there too.
Maybe I'm crazy.. actually yes I am crazy.. but this insanity of craziness really was a new level that I could not handle.. and the fact that as she left.. she said every hurtful thing she could think of just to try and hurt me.. I didn't say a word.. she's got to do what she's got to do.. but I drove her home, and she kept accusing me of being in love with these other women, or something insane... I didn't have any time for any one else.. and I wasn't interested in anyone else. I just wanted my time "me time" my down time, so that I can get myself together.. as I have a very stressful and straining job.. it's been insane and I just I didn't feel like she could understand that.. I also had a hard time discussing my job with her because she hadn't been raised in areas that I have, and she didn't really have a good understanding of people that i deal with.. and that was really hard for me.. because my job is important to me, the people I deal with are important to me, and it's important for me to stay at my job or in the community. And for her not to see that it made no sense to me and actually just felt like a huge wall between us.. because we didn't have much in common or things to talk about..
I don't really know what I like but I do know what I don't like.. I guess.. I really am interested in the gun range, and getting my license to go hunting with some friends, I like the idea of learning more about my culture and why it's so great to be me.. and to be around people who are strong with their culture... IDK
I just I'm losing my mind and I need to be set free.. I need to feel like I'm not owned or caged. I need to feel free to do as I please, I'm not married, and we didn't live together, and she didn't trust me and yet said she loved me. how can someone love someone but not trust them? that doesn't make sense.. she said she loved me but then accused me of loving someone else, or being with someone else or even being obsessed with someone else... I didn't have any desire for anyone else, I was content with her, but I needed the craziness of it all to stop.. that's what I definitely needed, and to not feel guilty for going out with my friends, or family.. to be allowed to be my own individual person and not feel like if I went someone it meant we were going somewhere..
I just hope the future is brighter for her.. and that we can get to a place where she doesn't love me the way she does, and that if she needs a friend.. that I can be that for her without any attachments or that she can find friends, because she is an amazing woman and I will miss her.. sometimes I've caught myself imitating her only because I don't know I'm doing but being around her that often I guess I've picked up some traits. haha!
Much Love and Keep Moving Forward
everyone deserves to be happy... and apart from this woman's broken soul, I had never felt so loved and appreciated..but my issues for my own self is controlling and ownership of things that I have worked so hard for.. it took me a long time to get the friends I have, and to keep them steadily in my life. and I felt like that was the only reason this woman was in my life, and that she was and wanted to take over the people in my life, and the things I did.. she even tried to make my cat love her but he didn't lol.
I know that for me.. I've got so many things going on and I needed and desired my own time.. I have been so used to being alone, and than all of a sudden this woman came in my life and consumed my life, and randomly showed up at places like at my vehicle where I parked my car, or at my house, or at my friends, or at my work. it was hard to want to be honest with her about where I was because I was scared she'd go there too.
Maybe I'm crazy.. actually yes I am crazy.. but this insanity of craziness really was a new level that I could not handle.. and the fact that as she left.. she said every hurtful thing she could think of just to try and hurt me.. I didn't say a word.. she's got to do what she's got to do.. but I drove her home, and she kept accusing me of being in love with these other women, or something insane... I didn't have any time for any one else.. and I wasn't interested in anyone else. I just wanted my time "me time" my down time, so that I can get myself together.. as I have a very stressful and straining job.. it's been insane and I just I didn't feel like she could understand that.. I also had a hard time discussing my job with her because she hadn't been raised in areas that I have, and she didn't really have a good understanding of people that i deal with.. and that was really hard for me.. because my job is important to me, the people I deal with are important to me, and it's important for me to stay at my job or in the community. And for her not to see that it made no sense to me and actually just felt like a huge wall between us.. because we didn't have much in common or things to talk about..
I don't really know what I like but I do know what I don't like.. I guess.. I really am interested in the gun range, and getting my license to go hunting with some friends, I like the idea of learning more about my culture and why it's so great to be me.. and to be around people who are strong with their culture... IDK
I just I'm losing my mind and I need to be set free.. I need to feel like I'm not owned or caged. I need to feel free to do as I please, I'm not married, and we didn't live together, and she didn't trust me and yet said she loved me. how can someone love someone but not trust them? that doesn't make sense.. she said she loved me but then accused me of loving someone else, or being with someone else or even being obsessed with someone else... I didn't have any desire for anyone else, I was content with her, but I needed the craziness of it all to stop.. that's what I definitely needed, and to not feel guilty for going out with my friends, or family.. to be allowed to be my own individual person and not feel like if I went someone it meant we were going somewhere..
I just hope the future is brighter for her.. and that we can get to a place where she doesn't love me the way she does, and that if she needs a friend.. that I can be that for her without any attachments or that she can find friends, because she is an amazing woman and I will miss her.. sometimes I've caught myself imitating her only because I don't know I'm doing but being around her that often I guess I've picked up some traits. haha!
Much Love and Keep Moving Forward
Monday, October 31, 2016
my love
I'm losing my mind again and its not abnormal it's a bit strange how easily she could walk out on me even though I didn't tell her to leave this time. Makes me think maybe this was always the plan.
I don't know what to do.. and I don't have anyone to talk too.. everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this insanity,and this craziness.. half the world says we should be happy and together as we love each other, the other half says she's using me for everything I've got, and that she manipulates me and makes me form these ideas of who she believes I am..compared to who I actually am..
She's judging me based on my past instead of recognizing that I'm not that person any more, just as much as people change, and grow and learn from their mistakes..
It took me a while to be who I am today, and maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone... maybe I just need to be alone because for the first time I see my flawed lifestyle and my flawed personality... I'm not who I was those many years ago when I was with my ex.. I've changed, grown, and become my own person but maybe I've also gotten to the point of being too comfortable with the person I am and unwilling to mold myself or make room for anyone else.
I mean realistically.. I am stubborn and demand my own way... I can't ever curve my life to someone else,and I don't think I should have to change drastically for someone to care about me, and no one should change for me either... and IDK... today I read my horoscope that stated maybe I"m not meant to be in love right now.. I'm needing to focus on work.. lol but I don't really believe in all of that, but right now.. the fact that she walked out on me... without even trying.. makes me think this is it.
and maybe that's what I want and need... there was always talk that I'd have my own space again, and that she'd give me time for myself... but i haven't had that..once again I've been suffocated in a box, expected to answer my phone when she calls me when I'm done work, expected to show up at her house at a specific time, or even now she expected me to run after her.. even though I have STRONGLY stated I'd never do that...
I honestly believe if someone wants to be with you, spend time with you, they would make the effort and not walk away, and not make you chase them.. people who make you chase them are only after game playing, and I'm not young and dumb anymore I'm not up for games anymore. I don't deserve that and maybe thats why I'm questioning everything.. but honestly what hurts more.. is being judged for who I was, and being accused constantly that I want to sleep with all these people, and that i don't have any filter of not sleeping with people..when I was very clear that it's not who I am, and it's not what I do..
I'm losing my mind as always...and I know because of it all.. I'll give up tomorrow.. Give up on the people who want to be in my life, and i'll just hide... maybe I'll go for a nice long drive and get away from it all, fuck it all! I need something because this isn't working for me.. and the more she brings up this stuff, the worse I feel... and it's really hard that everything is only from her perspective none of it is from my own..none of it is my stuff, or seeing it from where I sat, laid or was..it's always she's right an I'm wrong..really no! I'm right this time.
at least I'm a bit stronger now and I'm feeling the grip of this insanity slowly slipping away... just as my ex said it would..she said there will come a time I'll just get tired of it all and walk away, because there's only so much someone should/could handle...after that it just becomes ridiculous nonsense.. and it's not fair to me.. that's not love.. it's supposed to be something else..
an that's the other thing... there's all these ideas of engagement and marriage..but really.. I'm sorry and praise those who can be married, but I can't be.. I can't do it... I don't like that idea, it terrifies me, and I don't know maybe it's just the wrong person, but my ideas of marriage are distorted I don't know what marriage really is, besides the piece of paper...and some loyalty and commitment and devotion but that's the worlds view..there's a lot more to it Im sure.. but I can't be someone who does it.
Maybe one day I'll be like that friend I had..who was able to marry someone because it's what the person they loved wanted, and the friend wanted their partner to know they matter above all others, but still was able to be who they are? IDK.. I'll have to look into this one a bit more.. but I'd rather just be common-law thats' good enough.. more then enough anyway.
I know I know I know! but I get asked all these weird questions and I have to think about it and talk about it and I have to decide for myself and not let others get me in a place where I conform because that's not what i want for my life anymore
I don't know what to do.. and I don't have anyone to talk too.. everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this insanity,and this craziness.. half the world says we should be happy and together as we love each other, the other half says she's using me for everything I've got, and that she manipulates me and makes me form these ideas of who she believes I am..compared to who I actually am..
She's judging me based on my past instead of recognizing that I'm not that person any more, just as much as people change, and grow and learn from their mistakes..
It took me a while to be who I am today, and maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone... maybe I just need to be alone because for the first time I see my flawed lifestyle and my flawed personality... I'm not who I was those many years ago when I was with my ex.. I've changed, grown, and become my own person but maybe I've also gotten to the point of being too comfortable with the person I am and unwilling to mold myself or make room for anyone else.
I mean realistically.. I am stubborn and demand my own way... I can't ever curve my life to someone else,and I don't think I should have to change drastically for someone to care about me, and no one should change for me either... and IDK... today I read my horoscope that stated maybe I"m not meant to be in love right now.. I'm needing to focus on work.. lol but I don't really believe in all of that, but right now.. the fact that she walked out on me... without even trying.. makes me think this is it.
and maybe that's what I want and need... there was always talk that I'd have my own space again, and that she'd give me time for myself... but i haven't had that..once again I've been suffocated in a box, expected to answer my phone when she calls me when I'm done work, expected to show up at her house at a specific time, or even now she expected me to run after her.. even though I have STRONGLY stated I'd never do that...
I honestly believe if someone wants to be with you, spend time with you, they would make the effort and not walk away, and not make you chase them.. people who make you chase them are only after game playing, and I'm not young and dumb anymore I'm not up for games anymore. I don't deserve that and maybe thats why I'm questioning everything.. but honestly what hurts more.. is being judged for who I was, and being accused constantly that I want to sleep with all these people, and that i don't have any filter of not sleeping with people..when I was very clear that it's not who I am, and it's not what I do..
I'm losing my mind as always...and I know because of it all.. I'll give up tomorrow.. Give up on the people who want to be in my life, and i'll just hide... maybe I'll go for a nice long drive and get away from it all, fuck it all! I need something because this isn't working for me.. and the more she brings up this stuff, the worse I feel... and it's really hard that everything is only from her perspective none of it is from my own..none of it is my stuff, or seeing it from where I sat, laid or was..it's always she's right an I'm wrong..really no! I'm right this time.
at least I'm a bit stronger now and I'm feeling the grip of this insanity slowly slipping away... just as my ex said it would..she said there will come a time I'll just get tired of it all and walk away, because there's only so much someone should/could handle...after that it just becomes ridiculous nonsense.. and it's not fair to me.. that's not love.. it's supposed to be something else..
an that's the other thing... there's all these ideas of engagement and marriage..but really.. I'm sorry and praise those who can be married, but I can't be.. I can't do it... I don't like that idea, it terrifies me, and I don't know maybe it's just the wrong person, but my ideas of marriage are distorted I don't know what marriage really is, besides the piece of paper...and some loyalty and commitment and devotion but that's the worlds view..there's a lot more to it Im sure.. but I can't be someone who does it.
Maybe one day I'll be like that friend I had..who was able to marry someone because it's what the person they loved wanted, and the friend wanted their partner to know they matter above all others, but still was able to be who they are? IDK.. I'll have to look into this one a bit more.. but I'd rather just be common-law thats' good enough.. more then enough anyway.
I know I know I know! but I get asked all these weird questions and I have to think about it and talk about it and I have to decide for myself and not let others get me in a place where I conform because that's not what i want for my life anymore
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