I feel like Im losing my mind with the endless thoughts that are currently flowing through my head and if I avoid writing it down than I'll continue to think, continuing to think makes me a mad woman, so I'll write what Im thinking in hopes it will help slow my mind down to the present.
The world has been a dysfuntional place for me, a world of laughter, fun, and lots of people.. I feel like I get anxiety just thinking of standing in a crowd.. To be shuved or pushed aside, or thrown down, or to have my pockets tampered with etc.. I'll lose myself in thoughts of many things .
I dont know what to say what is appropriate.. I'm coming up to a two year anniversary in my relationship that has been exillerating and intriguing... Being put in a comfortable position of always relying on us being together, or relying on us at all.. The truth of the matter is... Right down to the grits of it.. Im not sure what I am doing.. Weeks ago we broke up, weeks ago I was supposed to go away and let this all go.. To say goodbye to this life I've been living for sometime now..
and yet here I am still here... Still working...still paying bills, and still sleeping in the same bed.
I need an escape.. I need a place, I need a thing, I need a hobby, I need a friend. FML is what I currently am feeling..
I haven't given up my blade but havent had any reason to use it as I've been surviving with my outlet of a counselor.. But than for weeks now I've been without that counselor, without the structure of a counselor and I finally cried out for that today... Thankfully it'll happen this week...
How do we make friends? I have co-workers at work there are few that I enjoy talking to or hanging with, but I've kept my life private, kept my conversations short, avoided the reality of letting them see what kind of person I truly am.
So than what do I have??? Family.. Actually not really.. I've taken on my partners family before my own and have somewhat enjoyed it...But even than still alone.
I was told to go to school for writing as this is my passion this is what I enjoy doing..but this is my passion if i go to school for this again I may very well lose my passion for writing..
What can I do? who can I confide in?
How do I speak the words that are deep within me in a way that hurts no one at all. to be honest about everything I am currently facing and to be able to share these hearts desire and share my thoughts withuot judgement.. To be alive for even one day... I may even smile
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
No Other Love
Repeatidly for about four hours I have been listening to "No other Love" by Heart...
If you hear it than you'll understand where Im at right now...
Im struggling with my life, and all that matters to me... Giving up on myself and the greatness I have become.. My older sister shattered all my hopes of a great wonderful weekend with family.. The one amazing thing I had to look forward too...And it was because we had a disagreement about enabling addiction.. This is one thing I have been against forever!! I will never support people who use the money I have for their drinking, drugs or anything of the sort! I will not enable an addiction!
My sister disagrees as she often would because my mom enabled her to be those addictions she once had..
It broke my heart!!!
I have been completely unravelled!! Everything about my mom, my family and everything has been undone! I feel like Im disowned, an orphan even.. My family got so angry with me for the things I told in confidence to my idiot sister!! Something that will take me years to forgive her for!
If this horrible story isn't enough.. After all of this! i got into an argument with my Partner who in turn left me! I feel like Im losing my damn mind with all of this! I mean everything that I have worked so hard for!
And yet I fail every moment I breath! I say I wanna live a good life, I say i wanna be better! I say all this garbage that isn't even coming to pass! Im a coward! Im a fool and I am utterly and sadly alone.. So what do I do when I feel this way??>??? I go back to old habits! I wish I could say it was drinking that was my old demon but sadly not even close!
I have gone back to resorting to cutting! The one demon, the one darkness that had so weakened me, the one thing that so utterly burdened me... The one thing I cannot seem to let go of! from this crappy cutting has come the crappy thoughts, the door to the beast has been opened, and everything I believed in is now falling apart and Im failing!
I feel like if someone even breathed on me I would break down and cry, I feel like if someone asked me if Im ok my heart would literally shatter to pieces. I have made myself into a fool! And Im ashamed of all the choices that have led up to those cutting..
What to do? What to do?
How do I make it out of this darkness that is so enveloping me into a person i thought I left behind.. Im scared because I have no one to turn too, no one... I have the wee bit of strength within me just to talk about it and cannot let it go...
Im scared..Im terrified and Im worried about what choices will come from this darkness thats not wrapping its filthy claws around me....
I can only hope... wish.. and desire for a better tomorrow...as I cry myself to sleep, as I put on this facade that is so easily see through... I try my best to pretend this darkness doesnt exist...
If you hear it than you'll understand where Im at right now...
Im struggling with my life, and all that matters to me... Giving up on myself and the greatness I have become.. My older sister shattered all my hopes of a great wonderful weekend with family.. The one amazing thing I had to look forward too...And it was because we had a disagreement about enabling addiction.. This is one thing I have been against forever!! I will never support people who use the money I have for their drinking, drugs or anything of the sort! I will not enable an addiction!
My sister disagrees as she often would because my mom enabled her to be those addictions she once had..
It broke my heart!!!
I have been completely unravelled!! Everything about my mom, my family and everything has been undone! I feel like Im disowned, an orphan even.. My family got so angry with me for the things I told in confidence to my idiot sister!! Something that will take me years to forgive her for!
If this horrible story isn't enough.. After all of this! i got into an argument with my Partner who in turn left me! I feel like Im losing my damn mind with all of this! I mean everything that I have worked so hard for!
And yet I fail every moment I breath! I say I wanna live a good life, I say i wanna be better! I say all this garbage that isn't even coming to pass! Im a coward! Im a fool and I am utterly and sadly alone.. So what do I do when I feel this way??>??? I go back to old habits! I wish I could say it was drinking that was my old demon but sadly not even close!
I have gone back to resorting to cutting! The one demon, the one darkness that had so weakened me, the one thing that so utterly burdened me... The one thing I cannot seem to let go of! from this crappy cutting has come the crappy thoughts, the door to the beast has been opened, and everything I believed in is now falling apart and Im failing!
I feel like if someone even breathed on me I would break down and cry, I feel like if someone asked me if Im ok my heart would literally shatter to pieces. I have made myself into a fool! And Im ashamed of all the choices that have led up to those cutting..
What to do? What to do?
How do I make it out of this darkness that is so enveloping me into a person i thought I left behind.. Im scared because I have no one to turn too, no one... I have the wee bit of strength within me just to talk about it and cannot let it go...
Im scared..Im terrified and Im worried about what choices will come from this darkness thats not wrapping its filthy claws around me....
I can only hope... wish.. and desire for a better tomorrow...as I cry myself to sleep, as I put on this facade that is so easily see through... I try my best to pretend this darkness doesnt exist...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
ancestry=alcoholism
So I read in the paper on my to work.. I was struck with a significant blow to my ego.. I read in the 24 hour newspaper a story about some native guy who beat a bus driver.. and the defense of this guy was "citing louie's history of alochol abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome and aboriginal ancestry as factors, lawyer david silverman asked for a condtional sentence."
Im furious about this blurb about his ancestry and the reason he goes around beating people and abusing alcohol as if it's our heritage that created such a monster.
Really!!! Lets list off a few things I know about Aborginal history! We have the opportunity to rise above the bullshit we were faced with in our heritage! I understand the issues and problems that come with such a brutual history of abuse that turns about the person to become such a monster! But you can't sit there and tell me that this is the reason one man beat another man!
I will say it right now! I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! I had a history of my own experiences but with all falling in destruction I found my way through it.. as did my mother, my older sister, and this is not the only history! I can say with certainity dozens of First Nations, Aborginal man and women who had a history of alcohol abuse, and drug issues who stand highly regarded for their strength to get out of such an evil cycle.
There are First Nations men and women who sit in parlament, there are First Nations men and women fighting for our country, there are First Nations men and women who fight for our ability to have a voice. Right next door to my work there are First Nations men and women who are fighting on the right side of the law!
There are First Nations men and women who are not categorized in such hidious amounts of alcoholism, drug abuse or anything! We have the same beauty of a great future as any human being! I am not a product of the history of abuse that we all suffered as First Nations people!
I know that when the Residential settlements came in for some of those elders who suffered such crimes, that most of them killed themselves from alcoholism, or drug abuse, because it was too much for them to bring up stuff, history of their childhood. I know that there are some First Nations who suffered from that Residential school and came above it and helped their people, helped their community!
It has been engraved in the good hearted First Nations know who you are, and where you came from, and bring back all your knowledge, greatness, and everything that would benefit you as a person bring it back to your outstanding community!
FOLLOW YOUR HEART~
I have always been someone who has fallen on my face with garbage I have suffered as a woman, or the things I endured as a child! I could be like all those other young adults who suffer at the hands of addiction. I am not like everyone else, I am not a person of addiction! I Have not let my past control my future! I have stood up and said "NO" to addiction and I have suffered a lot of history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and many kinds of emotional abuse! I could do this all day! But I choose to get help, I choose to become someone greater! I choose to see my inspirational friends like Margo Kane, or Buffy St. Marie! I have been able to stand up against the ties of addictions, the webs of lies and say no to these effects! And I will not allow some newspaper define my people as being alcoholics! I am furious at the accusation! I know this one individual for whatever reason has chosen to drink, chosen to become abusive but it has nothing to do with his history! He could have sought out help, he could have tried to get out of it! He cannot stand before a judge and say it's because of my ancestry that I am abusive, that I willingly beat a bus driver because he didn't let me on the bus! It's because he was drunk, it was because he was not reasoning with himself and was angry, and his history of abuse was the cause of him making such poor decisions!
I needed to write this down because Im furious that I feel like this. and that I dont understand why some native guys defense is that he has an aboriginal ancestry and this is why he beat a man who suffered severe brain damage.
Im furious about this blurb about his ancestry and the reason he goes around beating people and abusing alcohol as if it's our heritage that created such a monster.
Really!!! Lets list off a few things I know about Aborginal history! We have the opportunity to rise above the bullshit we were faced with in our heritage! I understand the issues and problems that come with such a brutual history of abuse that turns about the person to become such a monster! But you can't sit there and tell me that this is the reason one man beat another man!
I will say it right now! I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! I had a history of my own experiences but with all falling in destruction I found my way through it.. as did my mother, my older sister, and this is not the only history! I can say with certainity dozens of First Nations, Aborginal man and women who had a history of alcohol abuse, and drug issues who stand highly regarded for their strength to get out of such an evil cycle.
There are First Nations men and women who sit in parlament, there are First Nations men and women fighting for our country, there are First Nations men and women who fight for our ability to have a voice. Right next door to my work there are First Nations men and women who are fighting on the right side of the law!
There are First Nations men and women who are not categorized in such hidious amounts of alcoholism, drug abuse or anything! We have the same beauty of a great future as any human being! I am not a product of the history of abuse that we all suffered as First Nations people!
I know that when the Residential settlements came in for some of those elders who suffered such crimes, that most of them killed themselves from alcoholism, or drug abuse, because it was too much for them to bring up stuff, history of their childhood. I know that there are some First Nations who suffered from that Residential school and came above it and helped their people, helped their community!
It has been engraved in the good hearted First Nations know who you are, and where you came from, and bring back all your knowledge, greatness, and everything that would benefit you as a person bring it back to your outstanding community!
FOLLOW YOUR HEART~
I have always been someone who has fallen on my face with garbage I have suffered as a woman, or the things I endured as a child! I could be like all those other young adults who suffer at the hands of addiction. I am not like everyone else, I am not a person of addiction! I Have not let my past control my future! I have stood up and said "NO" to addiction and I have suffered a lot of history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and many kinds of emotional abuse! I could do this all day! But I choose to get help, I choose to become someone greater! I choose to see my inspirational friends like Margo Kane, or Buffy St. Marie! I have been able to stand up against the ties of addictions, the webs of lies and say no to these effects! And I will not allow some newspaper define my people as being alcoholics! I am furious at the accusation! I know this one individual for whatever reason has chosen to drink, chosen to become abusive but it has nothing to do with his history! He could have sought out help, he could have tried to get out of it! He cannot stand before a judge and say it's because of my ancestry that I am abusive, that I willingly beat a bus driver because he didn't let me on the bus! It's because he was drunk, it was because he was not reasoning with himself and was angry, and his history of abuse was the cause of him making such poor decisions!
I needed to write this down because Im furious that I feel like this. and that I dont understand why some native guys defense is that he has an aboriginal ancestry and this is why he beat a man who suffered severe brain damage.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
You hold the key
WOWOWW!
It's been forever since I've written mainly because I no longer have much computer access, and also because I'm working full-time and overtime hours these days.
I'm happy to report something that has had me dumbfounded for so long. My father's death anniversary is today... And you know I noticed a difference in my life since a year ago!? A year ago I spent the whole month depressed, broken, lost even.. However in all of my own life.. The first time ever in my entire life of not having my father, I didn't get depressed, or drink or anything wreckless... I acknowledged his death, his life and I honored him in my own way, but I did not let his death anniversary pull me down.. This is the first time I felt whatever I needed to feel even though I love my dad and miss him beyond words, and wish so much that he were here.. I have been able to move forward and honor him, never forget about him, but not let his death control my life, my feelings or anything.
Other than that I am working alot as I said I am working full time.. I am still working on the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, and I am working with people who have struggled with homelessness, or addictions, I have been able to be someone there who says "you matter" I do this by being there everyday, and being as friendly as I can, and listening to them cause they matter too.
As for my relationship after a year and five months we are still together, we stopped celebrating anniversarys as it seems remembering these anniversaries has caused some drama, like we either have no money, or we both forget, or just something dramatic, or we break up and get back together and just the whole nine yards of the weirdest craziest best hard relationship I've ever had.. We are still living together and although our six month lease is up the end of this month, it seems like we are gonna stay and try continue to build a home together.
You know... I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about the past.. As I see the people I work around, the enviroment it brings a sense of accomplishment, not prideful but grateful that I am who I am, that I never had the struggle with these kinds of addictions or struggles. I dont know how i got where I am.. My partner said to me lastnight that the reason I am not the way every first nation person has ever been, is because I'm lucky, that I somehow found a way, a rare egg lmao. I know that without a doubt.. Something happened in my life and yet continues to happen in my life?!
I mean I remember the two years ago I tried to commit suicide I believe twice in one year, or the other incidents that happened in my life. It took this as my rock bottem for me to move forward and see that I have purpose and I may spend my whole life trying to define that purpose but I'm moving forward with out turning back. Not to say I am perfect, I have had my set backs and I am afraid of the future but I am more determined to live, appreciate living, and share my history of my life with those who struggle you know?!
I have felt broken at times and I have felt sad.. with my work I find that I may meet someone and know them for a few months or even few weeks, and than suddenly they are no longer in the world, they pass away.. And it's hard on me but Im learning that sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference in someones life... I knew that about two years ago from my BFF, but to live that kind of lifestyle.. Well it seems it takes me forever.
Im happy to report I seem to be finding my way in someway!
I have missed my family, my friends... and I have missed my social networks, social life.. But that I am moving forward, and Im taking care of my responsibilites.. I am doing what I must to keep on keepin on!
I miss writing more than anything in the world but I had just wrote a long ass email to my BFF so I don't feel like writing much more!! but I am grateful for who I am and what I've done, and hope to find my path, and what I'm planning on doing with my future! I am still trying to find a University that I want to attend, and I am still trying to figure out what my career would be,I always thought I knew, but I guess when you think you know something it all falls apart and lets me be more open to any an all opportunities of the future!
Thanks for listenning!
R.I.P Daddy! <3 <3 <3 you are never forgotten!
Another 24hours
Much love <3 <3 <3
It's been forever since I've written mainly because I no longer have much computer access, and also because I'm working full-time and overtime hours these days.
I'm happy to report something that has had me dumbfounded for so long. My father's death anniversary is today... And you know I noticed a difference in my life since a year ago!? A year ago I spent the whole month depressed, broken, lost even.. However in all of my own life.. The first time ever in my entire life of not having my father, I didn't get depressed, or drink or anything wreckless... I acknowledged his death, his life and I honored him in my own way, but I did not let his death anniversary pull me down.. This is the first time I felt whatever I needed to feel even though I love my dad and miss him beyond words, and wish so much that he were here.. I have been able to move forward and honor him, never forget about him, but not let his death control my life, my feelings or anything.
Other than that I am working alot as I said I am working full time.. I am still working on the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, and I am working with people who have struggled with homelessness, or addictions, I have been able to be someone there who says "you matter" I do this by being there everyday, and being as friendly as I can, and listening to them cause they matter too.
As for my relationship after a year and five months we are still together, we stopped celebrating anniversarys as it seems remembering these anniversaries has caused some drama, like we either have no money, or we both forget, or just something dramatic, or we break up and get back together and just the whole nine yards of the weirdest craziest best hard relationship I've ever had.. We are still living together and although our six month lease is up the end of this month, it seems like we are gonna stay and try continue to build a home together.
You know... I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about the past.. As I see the people I work around, the enviroment it brings a sense of accomplishment, not prideful but grateful that I am who I am, that I never had the struggle with these kinds of addictions or struggles. I dont know how i got where I am.. My partner said to me lastnight that the reason I am not the way every first nation person has ever been, is because I'm lucky, that I somehow found a way, a rare egg lmao. I know that without a doubt.. Something happened in my life and yet continues to happen in my life?!
I mean I remember the two years ago I tried to commit suicide I believe twice in one year, or the other incidents that happened in my life. It took this as my rock bottem for me to move forward and see that I have purpose and I may spend my whole life trying to define that purpose but I'm moving forward with out turning back. Not to say I am perfect, I have had my set backs and I am afraid of the future but I am more determined to live, appreciate living, and share my history of my life with those who struggle you know?!
I have felt broken at times and I have felt sad.. with my work I find that I may meet someone and know them for a few months or even few weeks, and than suddenly they are no longer in the world, they pass away.. And it's hard on me but Im learning that sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference in someones life... I knew that about two years ago from my BFF, but to live that kind of lifestyle.. Well it seems it takes me forever.
Im happy to report I seem to be finding my way in someway!
I have missed my family, my friends... and I have missed my social networks, social life.. But that I am moving forward, and Im taking care of my responsibilites.. I am doing what I must to keep on keepin on!
I miss writing more than anything in the world but I had just wrote a long ass email to my BFF so I don't feel like writing much more!! but I am grateful for who I am and what I've done, and hope to find my path, and what I'm planning on doing with my future! I am still trying to find a University that I want to attend, and I am still trying to figure out what my career would be,I always thought I knew, but I guess when you think you know something it all falls apart and lets me be more open to any an all opportunities of the future!
Thanks for listenning!
R.I.P Daddy! <3 <3 <3 you are never forgotten!
Another 24hours
Much love <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
sun will rise
So the continued rant of my life.. The stressfulness of my life and the responsibilities of my necessities of life.. I feel overwhelmed yet again, frustrated beyond anything and worried about the future and all the things in my life...
Most of the time I can handle the struggles of my life,and really enjoy drama and events that cause choas in my life...
Currently feeling overwhelmed by money issues, relationship issues and just a whole load of garbage of my life...I don't know what to do anymore and what choices that I need to make.
My relationship is on a rocky road enough as it is,and than added stress of my partner choosing to drink and than losing all the money yet again.. What more do I need to say about the frustration?!
I know that I've been dealing with this for just over a year and before it was equal for us to provide food, and a future of taking care of our responsibilities... and now it's I moved out and still struggle with the same responsibilities... Im losing my mind and starting to feel my heart continue to want to give up..
Today my counselor told me that I can't change my partner that's something they must do on their own..These are words I know all too well...I know this...I know in my own self-destruction it wasn't anyone who could help me find my way out... It was my heart yearning for it, crying for it.. and it was only by my actions...that I became the person I am now...
And yet still struggling with the faults in my life..I don't know if I can do this anymore... Im struggling with drinking because I'm in a relationship where my partner drinks, but even when we aren't together the same tenancies arise within me to go out and drink...
If it's not drinking,well recently I hurt myself... For the first time in who knows how long...I found a way to not hurt myself again...How the hell am I going to turn my life around its like there is only so much strength within me to keep trying to get out of this chaos and yet I'm still stuck here...
I need some help, and I'm seeking help... but I'm currently struggling to find the right choices and decisions and move forward... Why did I do this to myself...What have I done to myself but put myself in all this dysfuntion and complete and at times of chaos...
I just need some strength, I need friends who will be here for me... Because I'm struggling beyond recognition.... and I'm scared I won't make it.. because it's starting to hurt too much.. constantly being pulled in all different directions, and my heart is crumbling before me...
Yet I keep telling myself this is temporary you know? I'll get through this beause someway somehow I find a way through all the darkness that continues to try envelope in my life.. I dont know what I've done to deserve the ability to survive but I'm clearly surviving and finding my way through this.
:'(
Most of the time I can handle the struggles of my life,and really enjoy drama and events that cause choas in my life...
Currently feeling overwhelmed by money issues, relationship issues and just a whole load of garbage of my life...I don't know what to do anymore and what choices that I need to make.
My relationship is on a rocky road enough as it is,and than added stress of my partner choosing to drink and than losing all the money yet again.. What more do I need to say about the frustration?!
I know that I've been dealing with this for just over a year and before it was equal for us to provide food, and a future of taking care of our responsibilities... and now it's I moved out and still struggle with the same responsibilities... Im losing my mind and starting to feel my heart continue to want to give up..
Today my counselor told me that I can't change my partner that's something they must do on their own..These are words I know all too well...I know this...I know in my own self-destruction it wasn't anyone who could help me find my way out... It was my heart yearning for it, crying for it.. and it was only by my actions...that I became the person I am now...
And yet still struggling with the faults in my life..I don't know if I can do this anymore... Im struggling with drinking because I'm in a relationship where my partner drinks, but even when we aren't together the same tenancies arise within me to go out and drink...
If it's not drinking,well recently I hurt myself... For the first time in who knows how long...I found a way to not hurt myself again...How the hell am I going to turn my life around its like there is only so much strength within me to keep trying to get out of this chaos and yet I'm still stuck here...
I need some help, and I'm seeking help... but I'm currently struggling to find the right choices and decisions and move forward... Why did I do this to myself...What have I done to myself but put myself in all this dysfuntion and complete and at times of chaos...
I just need some strength, I need friends who will be here for me... Because I'm struggling beyond recognition.... and I'm scared I won't make it.. because it's starting to hurt too much.. constantly being pulled in all different directions, and my heart is crumbling before me...
Yet I keep telling myself this is temporary you know? I'll get through this beause someway somehow I find a way through all the darkness that continues to try envelope in my life.. I dont know what I've done to deserve the ability to survive but I'm clearly surviving and finding my way through this.
:'(
Monday, August 8, 2011
Lost in the mess
Since August 1, I have been moved out unfortantley I went back on August 4, a lack of ability to avoid my own feelings and tried to stay there...
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!
My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???
I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...
Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..
I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!
Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..
Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!
My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???
I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...
Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..
I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!
Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..
Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!
Well the truth comes out...Im all moved out and struggling to move forward with my life...A piece of me is here trying to work this out in my own head, and my own heart... I don't know what to do...
This damn relationship meant the world to me...I was in it over a year and yet I'm almost being blamed for the cheating, or fall through...Its like really... are you kidding.. tell me this isn't real..
I spend most of my nights alone hiding in a room, in complete darkness... and I wish I wasn't here dealing with this... Im broken, I'm confused,I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm trying so hard to make sense of this...I wanted this to work, I wanted this to be forever but all the dysfuntion all the heartache, the arguing, and cheating, and of course the lies...well its too much for me to even try thinking about this being a good thing...I don't know what to do..
right now I feel lost...confused... and I wish I had the right choice and stayed with! I can't figure out how to let this go...I hate my life for this very reason... How can I let go and run away...
It hurts... It hurts... my heart hurts, and I'm not sure how to continue to move forward
This damn relationship meant the world to me...I was in it over a year and yet I'm almost being blamed for the cheating, or fall through...Its like really... are you kidding.. tell me this isn't real..
I spend most of my nights alone hiding in a room, in complete darkness... and I wish I wasn't here dealing with this... Im broken, I'm confused,I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm trying so hard to make sense of this...I wanted this to work, I wanted this to be forever but all the dysfuntion all the heartache, the arguing, and cheating, and of course the lies...well its too much for me to even try thinking about this being a good thing...I don't know what to do..
right now I feel lost...confused... and I wish I had the right choice and stayed with! I can't figure out how to let this go...I hate my life for this very reason... How can I let go and run away...
It hurts... It hurts... my heart hurts, and I'm not sure how to continue to move forward
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