what if I missed you

It's been a very interesting couple weeks...a constant desire to write about but I had not found the time or desire or words to describe the last couple weeks of my life...
I feel like I've been going through all this pain that has become so painful...I mean everything is alright and good and then when those bridges fall apart it's like the whole world is about to end, and all's I want to do is die because the pain is too much...

my mom went away camping...and my friend watched the kids..that was dreadful and when my mother returned I left to Victoria with my girlfriend...we had a great time and everything seemed awesome.... but that's not the way the story goes much it seems...
I tried to quit drinking because my brother needs some help and Im trying my best to stand beside him with not drinking...but sometimes...I mean sometimes I just want to lose my temper or something and I just want to drink so I've slipped up a few times...it's not been a good experience for anyone that I drink with...
All this stuff that Im not sharing with anyone comes up when Im drinking and it's horrible because it makes me really upset and really losing my mind..I mean the one night I even called my counselor but I dont remember anything about that...or anything but that was a couple weeks ago...

Apparently Im ruining peoples lives...do you know how painful that is to hear? I mean its painful enough to be dealing with my own life and the lives of those in my family...but to also have to deal with this situation...I just wish things could be just a little tiny bit easier then what they are now.. most of the time I find myself wanting to cry my heart out and just I dont even know...
instead however..i get messed up and start cutting...it was about a month or more since I had cut last and then some things I thought of or just little things triggered me and i cut myself.. fairly deep too... I felt so much better doing it but I knew the consequences of doing it... my cousin and girlfriend both were upset with me... but when I told them why i had done it...it was a different story...

I've never been this way before...but I feel pretty broken up about everything and anything..all these things in my life are triggering some painful things...and some people are helping encourage my pain...
the person I did not wnat to become has come...

my friend Rachael was here from L.A. for a layover she was heading to England and I seen her... and it was so hard...mainly because she talked about God...and as you've heard..i have not followed him or acknowledged him as part of my life... when I talk about Ontario I dont talk about those great times in my life..those times of seein God's amazing work... I dont know why I do that...but it's just too hard for me..

I think I need to just leave now...I am needing to go an cry..I just recieved some painful news that I cannot handle..and my younger sister is awake and the last thing I need is for her to see me crying...

if you ever looking for someone to ruin your life...here I am!

night

missing you

I think i've put myself in this mode of just missing everything....missing everything....

I love my job don't get me wrong but it's become something that's taking away from all that I love. I haven't really seen any of my brothers and sisters...Im working nights and sleeping days. I haven't gotten anything done that I had planned....Im sad about that because I miss that life.. however at the same time it's also helping me get away from things that are ruining my life you know? I mean since I been working I don't drink as much and if i do it's very little... I mean I don't have time or desire to do stuff like that anymore...

at the same time it's taking me away from the ones I love...the people I want to see, the people i need in my life...
I dont know what's wrong with me..I can't sleep....constantly thinking of someone...wanting to talk to someone...wanting to be somewhere other then where I am... however I know that this would never work...I would never work...
I thought about it...and this person doesn't even know me....I feel like I've become a person with a mask, a wall....not showing who I really am because I know the person I am and it's nothing pretty....I can be vicious and I can be really just a terrible person when it comes to some things... yet at the same time this person has helped me change...but Im not sure if it's a good way.. I mean it is good but it's been different....

every night....every night Im not with them...Im dying with thoughts of them...dying with my life of joy and just fullfillment..I mean before them...I was able to just think of my family and be here for my family...and now I spend at least three days a week away from home...I can't even imagine my life without them...but that's not good...

I like....that when Im with them...my life is lighter..it's not so difficult...the world of family situations, father responsibilites...and just my life....is just completely different... Im not the person that I am when Im with my family... I like that person...Im not able to fall apart but im better person with them...
I miss that...I miss being able to be that person...rather then the person I am when im with my family....Im not able to fall apart with my family...and if I do my body takes the pain...because I dont feel that I can fall apart...I can't lose my mind, and I can't say that Im failing..I can't say that I want to die...I can't say that Im sad...because here..it's different...I mean here...with my family...I carry the load...I carry the load and burden of each of my family members situations.. and if not that Im missing the important things in life...Im missing the games, the times alone... no more movie nights, scene it games, and hide and seek games....no more bed slides... and that's just too hard to think of being here...
I mean I love my job...I do...I really love making money and doing what I do...however I want to find the balance of being home with my famliy...and being at work....being home and not demanding the house gets cleaned...I just want to be home and just hang out with my family.. not getting mad....mad at the dishes not being done, the garbage not being taken out....or just random stuff...all this responsibility..I just want to sit...and laugh...to enjoy who I am when Im with my family...

I hope to take them out this Saturday...I wanted the ladies to come out with me but i think that I need to spending time with them...quality time with them...because I've missed them.. sometimes when bil-lee is sleeping..I just wish that I could wake her up and tell her how mcuh I love her.. I mean do you know what it's come down too?????? it's come down to me writing letters and notes to them really late at night because I can't sleep..and when I do I sleep for so long that I miss seeing them...and when they come home from school Im heading off to work.
Maybe I can make Saturday our day you know? the day that I spend with them... regardless of my friends going out, the parties and the everything...and just be home and watching movies.. making bed slides..and going to soccer games....that's what I want to do...because i know these are the important moments in life that I need to be there with them...

do you know how much I love them though? not my family members..but the other people in my life? wanting to be there when their lives get tough, or wanting to hold them when life has become overwhelming..wanting to be there when the tears start streaming down their face... wanting to just lay there...protecting them..being there for them.... laughing....until we cry... screaming until we lose our voice..singing...or just chillin and watching TV...laughing about random stuff...thinking of random stuff that makes us laugh.... i miss her... I miss her alot... and I can't sleep because I want to be there with her...just be there...but I can't...I have to be where I am..and I have to figure this all out...
I honestly need to runaway...I really need too...

I really need to spend my 5 bills and just take a plane...take a train...and just go... hide.. clear my head...be alone...
I mean at NLGH...I had the docks...well the bayside...just sitting on a rock..a log..and just looking out into the water...no noises of cars...or people...just complete quietness...a place of comfort and a place where I can think....and hear myself and hear my heart....hear what I need to be doing... I have not found a place of rest like that...anywhere here...but I guess it's because Im in the city...
however..I found something like it...but it's right by the street...it's at Stanley park... my dad used to take me there when I was a kid...I went there the day Lee-Anne's dad died...and I could not believe I did not remember my father taking me there...I miss him alot...and I wish that I could remember those times with him..I wish that I could be with him..
Father's day is coming up..I just realized it....maybe that's what all these emotions are..maybe that's what it is...I dont know....

I wish that I could go...and sit at my father's grave...and just sit there...missing him..talking to him... I hate father's day..I hate any day that recognizes family situations...because I never feel like I have a family..I mean I do but I don't have my dad... my daddy... it hurts..it hurts like crazy...

we celebrated my brothers birthday...and I took my brother aside an told him I wrote a letter to our dad...telling our dad how proud of randy I was..... that same evening...my brother told me he had done cocaine in the past... I never felt so much like a failure...so much like the worst person to ever walk to earth...I could not help my brother..I could not be here for him...
I thought if I went to Ontario..that I would find myself..find my strengths...and work on myself.. but I didn't...I fell apart in Ontario...in Oshawa..in Whitby... I did not find myself..i hurt myself.. i wanted to kill myself...because leaving...seemed like the stupidest thing ever...but then when I say that..it's not true...becaues NLGH was the best experience I could ever have..... it helped me so much..it helped me learn about myself..it helped me see people...the love that they had..not a false love..but God's love...a love so real...man alive....

I remember Angela...Mary...Tammy...all of them...the love they had for me...for anyone and everyone... they are amazing people... and I always have a difficult time talking to them because I know that as much as I have a job and everything..im still as broken as I was...maybe not but that's how I feel... I want to fall apart...I want to fall apart...I want to just fall apart..but I have no one there for me...to fall apart with..I mean I've not allowed myself to trust anyone that much.. and if I did..they take it the wrong way...and it's a terrible situation for me....I've lost all my friends...and Im feeling like Im losing all the hope in me...
im getting really down in my life right now...and it's not getting easier...im just trying to make it through...as much as I can...without dying anymore then I already have....

I miss you......I miss you...and I miss you...

night

stay away

have you ever tried that? tried everything in your power to stay away from the things the mess up your life?
I moved to Ontario to get away from all that was holding me back from my life.. those things that tormented me, those things that really just messed up my mind, those things that really just were a bad experience for me.
however like all things...it can never always just end that way...instead of staying away from them I came right back to them...

I returned to Vancouver...to become older...and still messed up with all those addictions..all those everything... I wonder what my father would think of me now? what anyone thinks of me now that I cannot even stand on my own two feet...I can't avoid the things that tortured me are the things I've returned too...

I stayed up really late lastnight thinking about it...how my life has become this broken record of continous events that are tormenting me...then i find no way out and end up screwing everything over...all the good that was in my life is shredded to pieces...all the bad things are like a liquid of events an overflow of a river or something....I really am good at messing up my life... im really terrible at trying to make everything alright...

I was talking to some of my co-workers lastnight...and I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth...they must of thought I was so stupid.... because I left to get away from all this damage all these scars..all this pain...and instead of returning a brand new strong woman.. Im fallen back into the life that really just messed me up....
on top of that I heard some news that really hit me to the heart...my brother told me some news he had thought he had already told me...and when I heard it...I felt like dying.. i felt like I had failed at being here...I failed at being the sister or father I was supposed to be... instead of helping my brother through stuff...I just ran off and tried to deal with all these things to realize I'll never be free of these things..so why try and fight it while in Ontario?

the description I love using...
Have you ever seen a snake attack on it's prey?
it's pretty intense... first... the snake takes a jolt at it's prey and then the snake wraps itself around it's prey...and squeezes all the life out of the prey...

when I was in good life messing up my life in the beginning...like when I felt guilty for the choices I was making...
that's how I felt... all this darkness...all this temptations...the drinking, the women, the partying, the cutting, the hitting, the hurting... everything...that's not good in my life... at times...it sucks the breath out of me...sometimes I get so low in life that I wish I could just die...

however...regardless of wanting to get rid of all this bad stuff in my life... or wanting to give up.. i can't..no matter what I do, no matter what happens I can't... I will fight to want to go but a part of me...the one part of me that holds deep in my spirit...crying out...fights for me..to live.. fights for me to see hope in the mist of darkness... there is no shutting that voice up no matter what.. and it's there..it reminds me of my brothers adn sisters, it reminds me of myself..or it reminds me of my destiny..what I hope to become someday in the future... what i hope and desire to do with my life....

things are not getting easier in my life... and im not even sure what to think of anything and everything....

have you ever just thought about...someone you wish you hadn't met?
I think of that sometimes...there are just some people in my life...that bring more pain the goodness in my life..some people who expect me to be their saviour..some people who just make me do everything to make them survive...to be there on the phone as they rant and scream at me for their mistakes....
there are people in my life that I wish I could say I hate you! I mean.. I have enough stuff to deal with at home...that I just like... I can't deal with your stuff too..I can't save you..I can't help you. yes I said I'd be here if you needed me but I can't help you...i can only be here...but at the same time..they have made it so that im the only damn person they can come too..and then I have to sit there listenning to all this garbage...and all this stuff..no solutions because i got my own stuff going on and I dont have time too be there for them you know?
i dont know...im just starting to get tired of people depending on me...its frustrating because i have my own stuff to go through, my own stuff to deal with..I mean you don't even understand how many people come to me..how many people run to me for help...i could say no and even if they know me too well that I'd still be here..and they would just come...and cry to me as if I can snap my fingers and make everything fine...

IM NOT A SAVIOUR! IM NOT SUPERMAN! IM FREAKIN HUMAN~! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE!!!

living life to the fullest

I dont even know where to begin what to say or how to begin saying what I mean....

I went to court...to hear some bulshit that really tore me in two...I went home and tried to cut out my heart...not extremely bad...but I was like... so many people are screwing with my heart, breaking me, tearing me..I might as well try and just get it done with... I mean.. I got messed up on drugs and stuff...not illegal ones..but my pills... and I did it... I wanted to die...
It honestly pisses me right off that I have to do this...that I have to be this way..that I would have NO ONE there for me and end up screwing up myself... I freakin hate what I've become, what I've done...am doing, have done..or desire to do...

he is getting off this thing....nothing terrible will happen to him...and it's the end of the world. no one will do anything..he is free to go...free to roam this dreadful earth loving freedom...drinking doing whatever he does and IM just like what the hell...
here I am suffering the pain....this stupid pain of not being here for them...of not helping when I was needed...and you think Im not going to be angry...more so at myself for not being here... then again if I was here...what would I have done? what shuold I have done..what would someone to do with this kind of situation...
People giving me props for being stupid...for drinking..for messing up my life..and becoming something other then real....

This new facade of me screwing up my life....no longer any goals...no longer any desire to move on to live...
Im that messed up...its not just about this court..it's about what's happened in my life since I moved back...everything has changed.. I have become this slave....this slave to pain...to death.. to hurt...to despair...
people call me when life fucks them over...people call me when they want to hurt people.. people come to me when they want me to do something about it....and so I constantly am burdened with the thoughts, feelings and desires of other people...trying my best to help others survive because death is knocking at their door...calling them...wantin them gone... and then we have me...
this person who has taken on all this pain..all this burden...all this garbage...and then I say I want to die..I say I want to run..I want to hide...and there isn't nothing... all these people bring me to this place..of despair...this place...this hole....I scream and scream and ask anyone who will listen to save me from this...
just for one day....one fucking day...

have no one call me to ask me to save them...have my brothers and sisters do their chores without being asked...to not have people call me at odd hours asking me to save them.. Im not a saviour... I can't save people..I can't heal people...I cant do anything for anyone.... and yet... so many damn people are expecting me to do it...they expect me to save them...how in the world am I going to save them?
Im drowning in my world of pain...Im drowning in my world of pain......Im falling to pieces.. one slice at a time...new scars..new wounds...new desires for pain... and I dont even know if it is possible to recover from this....

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST that's what everyone says to me...they tell me to keep looking up...keeping looking up to survive all this.... and yet....
there is no end...no end to this pain...and im losing my mind...everyday... i cut..everyday I hurt.. and every damn day I hear from someone whoeever it might be that they need me...and I race out my door ready for something terrible....

last night I drank alot...more then I wanted too and should have...and I talked to the cops and I told them..that I was messed up....and that there are people out to get me... because there are people looking for me and yet Im still surviving..I said Im ready to die...Im ready to go... because I hate everything that I've done..am doing...and everything I've become...

why can't I stop being a saviour...why can't I just say no...why can't I just enjoy my life?

because sadly enough I was not created to do that...

when I was down

The last few days of my life....
I spent some time with close friends...and some time with my family... spending time with certain family members has always been so difficult... I had my brother out with me too... I didn't really understand how my cousin loved my brother around so much... she was hugging him and being around him like crazy... she annoyed me because I just couldn't handle those tears.. I couldn't handle the idea...
I told my brother I said Im so glad that I was not that old...like old enough to really have to deal with the emotions like that of losing my father.. I was too young...I couldn't imagine where my mind would be mentally if I lost my father now... I don't think I'd survive for too long... my father was the only one that loved me... and he was the only reason my mom didn't abort me.. so I am very grateful for him...
what I loved most about my dad is that he loved me...he showed that...he didn't need to say that.. he showed me... all the time... all the time there was never a moment of anger when it came to me... he always loved me.. I was his daughter...and he just loved me and thats what I really loved about him...
so if I had lost my father now it would kill me... because it's been difficult enough as it is to have to deal with it still now..

so I was there with my cousins...allowing them to cry..allowing them to be angry... but I was so upset wtih them for being so irresponsible and stupid... I hate it when people have too much to drink and act like that it bothers me alot.i did not stick around to see the outcome of this stuff just because I can't be that person..I can't.. I mean mentally and physically I can't be there for them.. I can't help them.. I can't be their saviour because it's starting to destroy me...I can't do that again...I can't be that person..I ned to hold back and I need to just try not be that person..

anyhow...

there's been a lot of other things going on...but it's too difficult for me to be sitting much longer.. my body is trying to go to sleep I guess..one of the effects of the painkillers...

night

difficult times

It's been a few days since I've written and there is so much going on sometimes I wish that I could just runaway...hide away..but I've been saying that along ass time..it's my coping mechanism.
Two days ago... I
I was at a funeral...
some of the worst moments of my life... I wished that I could be late, I wished that I wasn't there.. I wished I could die...I couldn't find myself at all...I couldn't picture myself walking into that room....I couldn't do it..
I sat outside the room...I couldn't go in...I could only picture what it looked like when I seen my father..the only thing I wanted to do was drink...jump off a bridge...just forget all these things that have only caused me so much pain..
When I finally went in..I had waited...
I waited to witness some of the worst moments ever known to the history of our lives...

I walked outside...and my cousin...my cousin...Lee-anne... broken crying...falling...she couldn't even bring herself to come into the place straight..I could smell it on her breath...and I couldn't help it...I wanted to runaway, run to the store and get my stuff and just get shit faced because I never ever want this stuff to happen...
what made it more worse was that....
When my father died...there were only TWO people there for me... Trevor and Lee-Anne... NO ONE else was there for me but them...so for me to have been there on their day....I knew they felt that...
I sat in the back at the funeral...by myself...avoiding tears...cutting myself so I wouldn't cry because my sisters were there...I couldn't show them my tears..I couldnt show them my pain.. I could not even begin to think of myself falling apart there...
At my cousin Brian's funeral...I cried..I cried so much because I remembered him so well and I missed him so much..it had been ten days after I moved here that he died...

so for me...to be sitting there not even six months after moving home... it tore me to pieces..I felt like I had brought nothing but pain since moving back...but my counselor said..Im the glue thats been holding EVERYONE else together...and yet Im falling apart..my body, my emotions..my everything is giving out on me...all that ray of hope that I had is gone...all that love that I had has vanished in the blink of an eye...the love and respect my friends...family members had for me.. was no where to be found... I sat there by myself...I sat there by my damn self...all these damn people tell me they'd be there for me...but everyone went on life as if it had been another day.. the only one that really understood my pain was my friend in Germany..she was the only one that realized how difficult this has been for me..

when we were told to say our final good-bye's to Bruce..I wanted to walk the other way...I didn't want to say bye...I didn't want to go to the coffin..I was so terrified...so everything horrible...
however...because I've become more close to my cousin Lee-Anne she ended up sitting with me..and bringing me up there with her...
My baby sister Bil-lee was behind me...so I bit my tongue I couldn't cry... I couldn't avoid the pain that was bleeding from my heart...walking by my cousin Trevor...and he knew what I already knew...that I've been dying inside...he saw it in my eyes...when I shook his hand..he was the only one...that came with me when I went outside...I wanted to hit something..I wanted something anything just stop this aching in my heart...and Trevor was there...he was there... the one man that I've trusted..and loved so much...he was there... we were there for eachother..and it changed everything...

I went back in...and Lee-Anne was up...walking toward her father...in the coffin...and I had to leave...but I knew I had to witness this moment... so I stood there biting my tongue....as I watched my 24yr old cousin...throw herself onto his coffin...crying...sobbing...tears that would never end...her mother had to bring her away from him...and we stood at the doorway and she kept saying I can't leave him..I can't leave him....
I couldn't help but reach for her...and cry... for the first time all that time..I stood there along side my cousin..and cried with her...sobbing in my arms...I couldn't help but squeeze her tighter adn tell her I loved her...adn NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER!
After the funeral...

there was a reception...just a block away..we went for all of fifteen minutes...and ran to the liqour store... we bought cases of beer...and just walked the streets..drinking...crying...laughing...
When I got buzzed...I tured to Lee-Anne and Trevor and I said.. "I LOVE YOU GUYS.. you were there for me on the worst day of my life...and I am here for you"
I reminded them of the worst day of my life...and how much it still means to me that they were there for me... we cried and opened another bottle..poured some out for my dad..and her dad.. and drank...as much as our mouths could allow us... we were all just so broken...

Forever I will be reminded of the image..of watching my cousin lose her father...forever I will be reminded of what it was like to see him in the coffin.... saying Good-bye... I grabbed his hand...and I said "good-bye bruce, I love you"

Some of the worst moments of my life...passed me by...and it was horrible....

I've been there for my cousins ever since....calling them...calling them...just saying I love you.. it's the first time we've done that for so long..every time we talk... I love you...because it's time in my life that I realize yet again how extremely important it is to say I love you...



The next day..Tuesday...
I ended up in the hospital... I have been put on bed rest because I sprained my foot...while walking at a park...or whatever.... for the next fourteen days...

these deaths..this pain will sink in...and Im scared...so scared that I'll fall apart...fall to pieces but I know that I can't...and that's what scares me...my cousenlor said to keep myself busy and now all of a sudden I can't move...
I just hope that I find people I'll need by my side...to help me through this...and help me keep busy because Im really scared...I dont want to fall apart..I dont want to break down...not again because Im scared of what might happen this time around....

that's my story...these are the worst times of my life...and I just pray or wish that things will start looking up from this....


night

added grief

I have no idea where i been or what I been doing. I know that I have been losing my mind, losing my life in a person..in people... losing myself in all this stuff that isn't me...going out of my way for others and just about shattering because I have been made of glass lately...everything affects me and everything is killing me.
it's all my fault...it is it really is... I shouldn't have done that..I should have been there..and I shouldn't have ever thought that way...I should have just walked away..I should have just I dont even know...but I should not have been in this situation and it is my own damn fault..

Today well resting..sleeping..dreaming...wishing...hoping... I heard this thing... "it's so difficult to love, it's painful... but to hate it's so easy, so concrete." is that why we go from loving someone to hating them? I dont know...I mean really I wouldn't hate anyone unless your one of the many criminals that messed with my family...but other then that I wish that I could stop loving, stop being there...but it's not me...
I don't know what I was thinking..I knew that I really loved the situations I had...the moments I had...and the everything...all those little moments...those sparks of life..of joy..of happiness but like all things..it came to an end...something that had to happen and something that really hurt me...

I have not been doing well since then at all...I been hitting things, cutting and just hating on myself because I really can't believe all that I allowed myself to become around this person... why couldn't I just stop? why did I have too...why did I want too...and why did it ever happen?
So confused..so hurt..and so just totally in love... lol..
love is not this....my cousins call it lust...my family calls it love...and I call it NOTHING! I just am the way that I am... it ain't got nothing to do with all that... i mean... I loved...i loved...but i hurt..
I hated..that..more then anything... because I acted so stupid..been so stupid...nothing but tears in my eyes...hurt in my heart..and pain in my life...
how do we let this go? how do we move on from these situations..and how do we get over these things....I don't know if I could..not sure if I want too...because the feeling was so nice...so uplifting...so everything that brought a bit of hope into my life...

it's all over now...it's all done....no one's fault but my own...but not really..but I'll take the blame for everything...I'll take it all because you know there ain't nothing else...left...nothing....



if not just that difficult time...it could not come at a worse time...a time I needed them with me.. Im going to cousins dad's funeral tomorrow and Im scared as hell...I dont think I can handle this.. I dont think I can live with myself...I don't think I want to go through this all over again.. it will hurt way too much...and I wish that I wouldn'thave said or done those things..cause I never wanted someone with me more then I do now...
either way..Im going drinking tonight..with some friends...they bringing me out..which is a good timing.. obviously not working tomorrow... but yeah... I dont know what to do anymore....

I had nightmares for so long what it would be like to see this all replay...to have this situation come into my life again...now it's here..and im scared...im really scared...and I wish they would be here...but I messed up.. they not going to forget that...and I will never allow myself too either.
this is going to hurt...hurt more then anything ever could...and no one will see the wounds I will suffer tomorrow..but I'll be drinking regardless of everything..I dont care..I will not be able to do this even if someone paid me too...the memories..the pain...I know what will happen..and I know it all.. i won't be able to do this...but Im going to try my best.... I just man alive..I have no idea... I just wish that I didn't mess things up at a time like this..

grief has been added onto me...and responsibility...on top of just everything...and if I had the money I'd just leave because I dont know what else to do anymore...but I should call..they should call...but it hurts too much because I messed up so bad...and i never be forgiven..well i know them pretty good they might forgive me...but I can't...cause this is my fault..how do I forgive myself for acting so foolishly? I will never fully recover from this...and Im so scared.. that might destroy me.