surviving

It doesn't make sense... to be honest... I dont understand why I'm alive. I feel like the entire month of August was a nightmare. But then I get the reminder of my heart icd everyday 

My limitations vary in what I can and can't do. 

I'm struggling...

Simple tasks that were easy before no longer seem relevant  

I think of all these bs movies an things that talk about someone life changes as they survive shit like this. Or how their priorities change.

An here I am back to where I was. Doing the same things as before. 

I feel completely lost.

I feel like I just don't know how to get out of my head. Get out of my house. An move forward. I have built relationships with people who bail on me. People who sell me out. Or come up short. But when they need me I always answer I always respond. But when I need support help or anything I'm left behind.

Currently I wanted to talk about something. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't know who I can turn too. Because the issues are so different. So not my normal stuff. I'm scared to write it. Speak it. Acknowledge it because I could be wrong. But I could be right.

It's not very often I'm placed in situations like this one. I feel completely out of my element. Which doesn't make sense. 

I'm struggling...to speak truth. An to know where I can trust to say those things that are deeply rooted in me.

I'm also struggling to see why I'm alive.

I'm sure people who've been thro this can relate. How'd I die. An get found at the moment of death. An how did I get in an induced coma for 4 days. 

What the heck did I do.. how did it happen. An what should I be doing. Where was I. When I was in the hospital in the sense I was gone for 4 days. Imagine that. Who knows who was by my side. Who knows who came to me. How did everyone know or be there. 

I'm also grateful to those that supported my kid an were there for him.  

I just I don't know why. How. When. An idk.. it just a huge mess in my head. My heart. 

An I am feeling hurt. That my friends idk. I haven't told them much. They say just move forward but how do I do that? If I feel this way? U know. Idk.

So much crap... I still can't even be honest. But my mind Is lost. 

the past

I'm struggling with everything... my mind is always racing an I dont seem to have many people to talk too. It's weird... in the beginning of my surgery recovery I couldn't find a moment alone. An now not many people answer their phone 

My mind is racing...specifically about someone... I realize that yes I'm in a relationship with someone I love an want to spend my life with. However...  this other person.  Was someone from a time almost a different period of my life. When I was going to become someone completely different. 

My favorite about this person.. was the late nights. Talking for hours on end. An being able to call the person up an go for long walks. Or chillin at the nearest 24 hour Tim Hortons. Or laying in bed or watching TV. 

This person knew me in a different way. An altho I loves them an feel like I still love them. I don't know what I'd do if they came back into my life now. 

I was ready for the whole package when we met. An I remember the last day I saw them. I was at the bus station. An when i ran into their arms. The safe feeling the feeling of being home. Was all there. An when we went for breakfast they ordered French toast an put salt on it. 😆 

An when I went to catch my bus to go away for Christmas they said they had a dream that this was the last time they would see me.

I called an we talked everyday. I vowed all this love to them but...when I went home for Christmas....well wasn't home.  Was my family. 

My whole world erupted. An everything changed. An yes was the last time I seen them. But wasn't the last time we talked. 

Sadly...when I got back. I tried to stay good. But being back in BC was difficult to stay on the right path. So I went back to the life. An it was fun but when I talked to my special someone.  I wasn't myself. And to them I said I wouldn't sleep with anyone. An I'd wait for them to come to me here in BC..

Eventually that ended... an down a path that led me to where I am now. 

Not a day goes by where I am not grateful for that person. The warmth. The love. The safe haven. The power they had in wrapping me in their arms. I knew this was my home. 

I wish I had stayed. I wish so many things differently.

But as I see now...with my boy.   I see this is my path. The reason I'm back here.. an altho I've made every sacrifice. I have given up so much of myself for my kid. 

I gained a new path with someone i love more than life itself. An long for more than the air I breath.

There will always be a place for Ontario in my heart an soul.

That life. That past. Was so Beautiful so valuable to me. 

I want to go back. I want to share in that love an experience. 

I also want to move forward..  I want to save up an get married. An have the whole package with my partner now. An altho I'm not sure what I'd do if my past came back. I know that my future..  idk.

Isn't set in stone. 

But it is possible to love this many people. Everyone in my life knows how important Ontario was for me. 

I miss that life...I miss those walks. Those hugs. That passion. That joy. That laughter.

But I'm here planting my roots here in BC. I'm not sure why. Lol.  Because before I did it for family. But for the past couple years.  I've axed my family from my life. An it hurts but I'm also very grateful to have these strong boundaries an to respect myself to not let people bring me down tear me down.

To walk away from the people who tried to tear me down. An to build my own family my own life with it all. 

weeks later

It's now been 2 weeks since I had surgery... I feel like garbage like no idea. It's not just the physical part of me that feels damaged.. it's the mental part of me. Knowing that I'm hurt like this an unable to get myself together. 

Realizing that I was in a coma for 4 days because my body seemed like it wanted to give out. So I was forced into a coma until I guess I dealt with the trauma. 

Can you even understand what it felt like to wake up 4 days later no recollection of what had happened... an being completely alone... an unable to connect with anyone or talk to anyone. An then when I was able too.. hearing their stories of seeing me in the coma an how devastating it was for them. An leaving my kid. My job. My partner.

I was feeling like garbage beyond measure. An then spent the next what 10 or 12 days well the doctors determined what would be implanted in my chest because it ended up being my heart....

Thinking about it terrifies me.. an scares me.. the idea of this device in my chest. Knowing if it goes off in the next 6 months I'll lose my ability to drive my own damn car.

Or just in general if it goes off I don't know what it will feel like. Or if it becomes faulty or becomes broken in any way... an the damage it could do to me... the risks I'm taking. 

When I finally got around to touching base with people. I was completely grateful how many people showed up for me. An how much love an respect there was. 

But.. I still lost those 2 weeks or whatever and now I'm home.. an I love being back with my kid...

I remember the day I got home. 

You have no idea... I cannot express how heart warming it was for me to have him in my arms. An each day I've been showing him my surgery scars telling me I'm healing. An I'll get better. But it's why I can't carry him or do all the fun things we did. 

As for my relationship.. I'm lost. I keep thinking how much easier it would be for my partner if I wasn't in the picture. My partner deserves someone better.. an right now I feel like a broken puzzle. That I'm trying to put back together.. an I can't juggle this relationship but then there is also her inability to talk to me. Or be there for me. We barely talk. An some days most days were not talking at all. So what is the point. 

Then I talk to my trusted friends....who tell me my partner loves me more than life itself. That my collapse tore my partner to death to almost end her own life because she thought I was gonna die as no one knew what was going to happen to me. 

Buy that kind of power someone have over someone it can't be healthy.... right?

Love goes on. 

Life goes on...

How many times I spoke to my partner very few how many times has she shown up for me even less... 

How can this relationship work if we aren't together... 

We both are holding back. Both unwilling to live in one another lives... then why are we here. 

I dont get it... but then when I think of letting it go saying fuck it... it scares me..

Because the depth of this love Is as deep as the ocean an skies. I can't stop loving her or needing her. An she knows that an yet she still can't show up. 

Unable to be there for me..

And I consistently still hold onto hope that she will want too be here

It same goes for my closest friend who also has bailed on me. Making me think crazy things. An then I begin to lose my mind

I dont know what to think about any of my relationships. I feel like I'm in this alone..  that when I say things like I'm sad or depressed or terrified about what happened to me an that I'll eventually have to go back to work with people asking questions or some shit. I dont want to face that. An I just don't want to keep on moving forward..

.I don't know what moving forward looks like for me.. i really don't

An right now I'm barely even trying to get moving at all because I'm scared... I'm scared... 

I read about the device in my chest. So many things can go wrong. So many complications. As well as life span for this device. Who knows how much time I will have an it makes me feel idk... 

The unknown may be more known based on the device in my chest if it shorts out. Or becomes faulty in some way. 

There's so much i question an wonder about. An so much comfort I wish I could get from my partner. Or my friend. An yet I have to survive this alone. An if that is the case then why do I bother?. 

Why do I stay for any of them

I'm losing my damn mind....  

little bit closer

First time in awhile I've been contemplating life... relationships. Job.

I've given up so much for my work. I've done above all for anyone I care about. 

The last 14 days of my life... no one has really shown up I mean they have but not lately. Been begging for food or snacks. Because I've been starving..

Idk

I'm in a relationship that is like no other. One that I've been willing to give up on my everything for.i dont know. In some ways they say they love me be there for me etc .but I still wake up without any messages. Go thro the day without any kind of anything.

I don't know If I want to keep this up.  I don't know if I want to move forward an believe her when she said things would change she hasn't even changed in the 14 days I've been in hospital. 

I'm getting surgery tomorrow. No idea if It's worth it. Alls i have is the word of a doctor. An I'm scared of that because I don't know what to expect.. my life is going to change in not a good way. And I'm scared what does that mean for me..

I'm going to have to go to a life I haven't lived in forever. An I'm not sure how it's going to work. 

Idk

I'm losing my.mind and I'm scared of how it will be..and who will still be there by the end of it all 

make it to morning

I'm struggling.. had my first stress test since entering the hospital. Didn't realize how much it effects my Car accident injuries 

My shoulder trying to hold onto the treadmill and left leg being forced to carry my weight.

I only made ir 30 seconds into level 3. Because I couldn't deal with it any longer. 

The more I think of it... I'm feeling like that feeling creeping up to want to cut. Wanting to bleed. I hate the pain I can't control. I hate that I can't stop it. There aren't even enough drugs to make me feel better. 

I didn't try hard enough. I barely tried at all. I'm starting to get terrified about what I'm going thro. An unknown heart arrhythmia

I want to give up... 

Feel like a walking broken mess... 2 car accidents an now a heart arrhythmia. 

I feel like shit.. I was being driven in a wheelchair and we rode by the old man and I thought why am I doing all this I don't want to get old. 

I hate my life. It's been over a year since these accidents. An I'm still suffering and now I'm dealing a bs heart problem. 

Feel like dying in pain I really want to use drugs. I never used drugs before..but I'd love to get rid of all this pain. 

I'd also like to hurt myself to help calm myself down because I can't call anyone.

I feel like a failure. Can't make it thro anything. An I couldn't get thro all the stages. Because it hurt more than I'd like to admit. 

I'm worried. All the stress is going to leave one bad outcome of me doing something stupid..

I hate my limitations I hate my failures. I hate everyone. I'd likely better off not living on this planet but then I think of all the people that showed up for me. 

Idk why they showed up. Cause they Do lol..

Maybe my age or the fact of what I'm dealing with is why it's such a struggle

Or choosing to face it alone. Not to ask for help because I'm secretly making a plan lol

Idk

truth tug and pull

I want to get honest.. about what I feel... I'm hurting.. I dont know if my partner should love me any longer. A part of me wants her to let go.. 

We were close once or twice but in the months actually years we've been together. 

It kept up with this idea that it will get better. That they want to be with me. Fight for me. An stand by me. 

But tbh...my issue... is I'm not able to properly take care of myself in sense... my hair... lol superficial yes but it's my signature likeness.. 

I have barely left the city. Barely done anything. I want to leave..  an everyone said I should. 

Maybe I will

But I'm confused by my partner.. confused by her stuff and why she doesn't connect to me.. or have any desire to see me. 

I'm stuck in my head... thinking....all the reasons this isn't working out... 

I dont want it to end. I don't want to let go. We put so much hope in the idea of us. Future marriage. Many tattoos. Kids. Travel.

An yet in the 2 yrs.. she actually hasn't gone anywhere with me. 

Idk

I'm losing mind. 

If I take the steps to ensure she is my next of kin.. idk if she would even be there for me. I also don't know who told her i was in hospital 

Hmm m.m

I'm not trusting... because she is basically a stranger to me... but then again my bff is now doing the same thing.

I trust no one... actually I trust one person... lol she lives in Ontario and hasn't talked to me in months. Years even.  Though I've sent her pictures an emails she was the one above it all for me..

No one is ever as good enough as her. She will always matter...

My brain is racing.  Idk what the right decision may be

can't breathe

I spent the last morning. Spending time contemplating... life. Death

Years ago this was easy...I didn't have the responsibility of a kid.

You know when all those years of having a love in my life like no other

A love so beautiful . You could face anything... because of that love.. I'd love to say it's romantic love lol but it wasn't.. the first time in my life I experienced a love so beautiful. How much my life would be better just to hear from them..

But I guess we've moved on

I so want to be able to find a love similar to this but I don't feel like I have. An with what is going on maybe its too much to be with me. 

I'm needy.. because I'm fuc*ing terrified. This has been the scariest news in my life. 

Collapsing.. breathing tubee. Comas. Whatever else

And I don't have a proper plan in place..  to ensure that if or when I die. These are my wishes. These are my hopes.

I'm struggling. Tbh I want a dnr. If ever there is a chance I'll come back as less then myself. I'd rather die. But I need a plan for my kid. I need to trust someone with him. 

I'm hoping to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But I don't know whatto do. Lol

In sense what should I trust... that I'm legit for real that I want DNR. I also don't want to be buried. An I dont want a funeral or memorial lol

As lame as is... my ashes scattered in Ontario. The place where i found a different kind of other love that I never followed because of the history of all that. 

I dont wanna say it... I'm questioning EVERYTHING that is happening..  who is here. Who is not. What are my expectations.. an do I really think it will continue to work even tho I am where I am. I want to give up... I want to walk away. I want to hide...i want to come back when this bs is over.