weeks later

It's now been 2 weeks since I had surgery... I feel like garbage like no idea. It's not just the physical part of me that feels damaged.. it's the mental part of me. Knowing that I'm hurt like this an unable to get myself together. 

Realizing that I was in a coma for 4 days because my body seemed like it wanted to give out. So I was forced into a coma until I guess I dealt with the trauma. 

Can you even understand what it felt like to wake up 4 days later no recollection of what had happened... an being completely alone... an unable to connect with anyone or talk to anyone. An then when I was able too.. hearing their stories of seeing me in the coma an how devastating it was for them. An leaving my kid. My job. My partner.

I was feeling like garbage beyond measure. An then spent the next what 10 or 12 days well the doctors determined what would be implanted in my chest because it ended up being my heart....

Thinking about it terrifies me.. an scares me.. the idea of this device in my chest. Knowing if it goes off in the next 6 months I'll lose my ability to drive my own damn car.

Or just in general if it goes off I don't know what it will feel like. Or if it becomes faulty or becomes broken in any way... an the damage it could do to me... the risks I'm taking. 

When I finally got around to touching base with people. I was completely grateful how many people showed up for me. An how much love an respect there was. 

But.. I still lost those 2 weeks or whatever and now I'm home.. an I love being back with my kid...

I remember the day I got home. 

You have no idea... I cannot express how heart warming it was for me to have him in my arms. An each day I've been showing him my surgery scars telling me I'm healing. An I'll get better. But it's why I can't carry him or do all the fun things we did. 

As for my relationship.. I'm lost. I keep thinking how much easier it would be for my partner if I wasn't in the picture. My partner deserves someone better.. an right now I feel like a broken puzzle. That I'm trying to put back together.. an I can't juggle this relationship but then there is also her inability to talk to me. Or be there for me. We barely talk. An some days most days were not talking at all. So what is the point. 

Then I talk to my trusted friends....who tell me my partner loves me more than life itself. That my collapse tore my partner to death to almost end her own life because she thought I was gonna die as no one knew what was going to happen to me. 

Buy that kind of power someone have over someone it can't be healthy.... right?

Love goes on. 

Life goes on...

How many times I spoke to my partner very few how many times has she shown up for me even less... 

How can this relationship work if we aren't together... 

We both are holding back. Both unwilling to live in one another lives... then why are we here. 

I dont get it... but then when I think of letting it go saying fuck it... it scares me..

Because the depth of this love Is as deep as the ocean an skies. I can't stop loving her or needing her. An she knows that an yet she still can't show up. 

Unable to be there for me..

And I consistently still hold onto hope that she will want too be here

It same goes for my closest friend who also has bailed on me. Making me think crazy things. An then I begin to lose my mind

I dont know what to think about any of my relationships. I feel like I'm in this alone..  that when I say things like I'm sad or depressed or terrified about what happened to me an that I'll eventually have to go back to work with people asking questions or some shit. I dont want to face that. An I just don't want to keep on moving forward..

.I don't know what moving forward looks like for me.. i really don't

An right now I'm barely even trying to get moving at all because I'm scared... I'm scared... 

I read about the device in my chest. So many things can go wrong. So many complications. As well as life span for this device. Who knows how much time I will have an it makes me feel idk... 

The unknown may be more known based on the device in my chest if it shorts out. Or becomes faulty in some way. 

There's so much i question an wonder about. An so much comfort I wish I could get from my partner. Or my friend. An yet I have to survive this alone. An if that is the case then why do I bother?. 

Why do I stay for any of them

I'm losing my damn mind....  

little bit closer

First time in awhile I've been contemplating life... relationships. Job.

I've given up so much for my work. I've done above all for anyone I care about. 

The last 14 days of my life... no one has really shown up I mean they have but not lately. Been begging for food or snacks. Because I've been starving..

Idk

I'm in a relationship that is like no other. One that I've been willing to give up on my everything for.i dont know. In some ways they say they love me be there for me etc .but I still wake up without any messages. Go thro the day without any kind of anything.

I don't know If I want to keep this up.  I don't know if I want to move forward an believe her when she said things would change she hasn't even changed in the 14 days I've been in hospital. 

I'm getting surgery tomorrow. No idea if It's worth it. Alls i have is the word of a doctor. An I'm scared of that because I don't know what to expect.. my life is going to change in not a good way. And I'm scared what does that mean for me..

I'm going to have to go to a life I haven't lived in forever. An I'm not sure how it's going to work. 

Idk

I'm losing my.mind and I'm scared of how it will be..and who will still be there by the end of it all 

make it to morning

I'm struggling.. had my first stress test since entering the hospital. Didn't realize how much it effects my Car accident injuries 

My shoulder trying to hold onto the treadmill and left leg being forced to carry my weight.

I only made ir 30 seconds into level 3. Because I couldn't deal with it any longer. 

The more I think of it... I'm feeling like that feeling creeping up to want to cut. Wanting to bleed. I hate the pain I can't control. I hate that I can't stop it. There aren't even enough drugs to make me feel better. 

I didn't try hard enough. I barely tried at all. I'm starting to get terrified about what I'm going thro. An unknown heart arrhythmia

I want to give up... 

Feel like a walking broken mess... 2 car accidents an now a heart arrhythmia. 

I feel like shit.. I was being driven in a wheelchair and we rode by the old man and I thought why am I doing all this I don't want to get old. 

I hate my life. It's been over a year since these accidents. An I'm still suffering and now I'm dealing a bs heart problem. 

Feel like dying in pain I really want to use drugs. I never used drugs before..but I'd love to get rid of all this pain. 

I'd also like to hurt myself to help calm myself down because I can't call anyone.

I feel like a failure. Can't make it thro anything. An I couldn't get thro all the stages. Because it hurt more than I'd like to admit. 

I'm worried. All the stress is going to leave one bad outcome of me doing something stupid..

I hate my limitations I hate my failures. I hate everyone. I'd likely better off not living on this planet but then I think of all the people that showed up for me. 

Idk why they showed up. Cause they Do lol..

Maybe my age or the fact of what I'm dealing with is why it's such a struggle

Or choosing to face it alone. Not to ask for help because I'm secretly making a plan lol

Idk

truth tug and pull

I want to get honest.. about what I feel... I'm hurting.. I dont know if my partner should love me any longer. A part of me wants her to let go.. 

We were close once or twice but in the months actually years we've been together. 

It kept up with this idea that it will get better. That they want to be with me. Fight for me. An stand by me. 

But tbh...my issue... is I'm not able to properly take care of myself in sense... my hair... lol superficial yes but it's my signature likeness.. 

I have barely left the city. Barely done anything. I want to leave..  an everyone said I should. 

Maybe I will

But I'm confused by my partner.. confused by her stuff and why she doesn't connect to me.. or have any desire to see me. 

I'm stuck in my head... thinking....all the reasons this isn't working out... 

I dont want it to end. I don't want to let go. We put so much hope in the idea of us. Future marriage. Many tattoos. Kids. Travel.

An yet in the 2 yrs.. she actually hasn't gone anywhere with me. 

Idk

I'm losing mind. 

If I take the steps to ensure she is my next of kin.. idk if she would even be there for me. I also don't know who told her i was in hospital 

Hmm m.m

I'm not trusting... because she is basically a stranger to me... but then again my bff is now doing the same thing.

I trust no one... actually I trust one person... lol she lives in Ontario and hasn't talked to me in months. Years even.  Though I've sent her pictures an emails she was the one above it all for me..

No one is ever as good enough as her. She will always matter...

My brain is racing.  Idk what the right decision may be

can't breathe

I spent the last morning. Spending time contemplating... life. Death

Years ago this was easy...I didn't have the responsibility of a kid.

You know when all those years of having a love in my life like no other

A love so beautiful . You could face anything... because of that love.. I'd love to say it's romantic love lol but it wasn't.. the first time in my life I experienced a love so beautiful. How much my life would be better just to hear from them..

But I guess we've moved on

I so want to be able to find a love similar to this but I don't feel like I have. An with what is going on maybe its too much to be with me. 

I'm needy.. because I'm fuc*ing terrified. This has been the scariest news in my life. 

Collapsing.. breathing tubee. Comas. Whatever else

And I don't have a proper plan in place..  to ensure that if or when I die. These are my wishes. These are my hopes.

I'm struggling. Tbh I want a dnr. If ever there is a chance I'll come back as less then myself. I'd rather die. But I need a plan for my kid. I need to trust someone with him. 

I'm hoping to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But I don't know whatto do. Lol

In sense what should I trust... that I'm legit for real that I want DNR. I also don't want to be buried. An I dont want a funeral or memorial lol

As lame as is... my ashes scattered in Ontario. The place where i found a different kind of other love that I never followed because of the history of all that. 

I dont wanna say it... I'm questioning EVERYTHING that is happening..  who is here. Who is not. What are my expectations.. an do I really think it will continue to work even tho I am where I am. I want to give up... I want to walk away. I want to hide...i want to come back when this bs is over. 

so close to death

I've been fighting so hard for so long to get my shit together.... I've stopped all things that could cause me pain. 

I am in a downfall.... a spiral 

Recently.... my body shut down... possibly a heart attack attack. I was intubed an put in a coma for however long. 

When I finally came too. I hardly have any memories of those times

I'm losing my mind... it's not about new chances in life because I'm angry that it turned into this..with anyone else.  There'd be a different story or whatever. 

I feel unworthy to be alive.  This is the 2nd time my heart had stopped. Or did whatever it did 

I'm angry because everyone told everyone

I'm feeling traumatized as is like I cant imagine living thro it again.or reliving it by people wanting to find out answers

You know when I first got to the hospital there was a major incident happened an over the PA and every doctor, nurse, volunteer showed up to support whatever may had been happening. 

And my friend sent me this picture of all my supporters showing up at the hospital. They weren't allowed to stay with me or be with me. But they wanted to be present. 

I'm confused..... I'm completely confused...so much insanity 

I have major trust issues. Major issues all together and if I'm not able to go back to work. I'm hoping to leave...to drive to see the one person I love an admire

We aren't the same people... we have a saddy past..but the one person who has always had my back.

Or maybe I just want to run away because everything terrified me.. and I feel completely alone

in·tu·i·tion

I feel like there is something that I'm not being told. An I feel like I'm being played for as a fool. Common space I guess

My partner has come back...but not just that but she isn't the same person. An as such. I have no idea what to be thinking. 

I thought about how to describe what I'm feeling. An its your here but your love is not. 

Idk why it bothers me so much. When I deserve to be loved. I deserve so much. But at the same time... I feel completely worthless because she's not willing to tell me what is going on.  She is keeping me in the dark. 

I can't force her to do anything.

But all my insecurities are stupid an they are flying off the handle. Like something is really wrong. An I'm not ok.

I want a life with this person. I want a future. But I want honesty. I want common ground.

I tried to be understanding an tried to be patient. I tried to make her visit beautiful. I have text messages of her saying all this bs about loving me. Needing me. Or going to die without me. An yet when we are together. It's not like that. Like her words are just words with no actions to follow.

I hate being forced to be the bigger person. I hate having to let her treat me this way. 

I dont know what to think or do. An of course because I'm in such a vulnerable place I did what I know to be not good because I'm hurting. An she knows I'm vulnerable and just doesn't seem to care. An just carries on like it doesn't even phase her. 

Explain to me how I matter or how I am cared for if she is not willing to see me. 

I really am feeling lost. An I'm really hurting more than ever... an I hate all the trauma I've been thro because at times like now it floods my brain an alls I think is all the stuff I feel I deserve. When really...my heart is so fragile so strong so whatever.r..why am I always the one that gets treated this way.. 

How can she say she loves me an treats me this way