what would it look lik3

I cant remember why someone asked me this question... what would my future look like or my life look like if she wasn't in it. 

Would it be different or about the same. Would I be suffering or happier. Idk

What angle am I expected to look at this from. 

I dont want to think about what my life would look like without my partner. I'm terrified at the idea. Especially because everything I've been doing I've done in hopes of securing our future. 

I want a future that is Beautiful. I want to be able to see her as her heart an soul in light an darkness an to also call her home. She is my safe place. 

I know that even the idea of seeing her. Being next to her my heart pumps all the time. Kissing her. An holding her hand. More than life is worth giving me.

I've spent so much of my life under a rock. Consistently expecting bad things to happen. Always waiting for what I feel I deserve. Which is lame. Because I deserve to be happy. To be in love. To move on with my life. 

However....

There's a dark past of who I was. Where I've come from. An the things said or done to me. An upbringing that is not as severe as others but severe enough that scars remain on my soul from what kinds and types of abuse I endured. 

Spending most of my life feeling like I'd never amount to anything. I never deserved a good life. An it seems to have been reflected in most of my relationships because.... all of them ended in pain an it was always to do with being cheated on. Or hearing them say I wasn't good enough. 

So for the first 6 months of this relationship...I spent it testing the waters... 2x we broke up because of different reasons...

And each time we got back together. An have been together ever since. However... the thing has been that so much has been going on for her. She needed to put us on simmer. An for me that was difficult an painful. Because I felt all those past feelings. An now thst she may be back. I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm being played. Or if I should move forward with our future plans. 

I want to save money. Buy the ring an ask her. Or have her ask me ahahha. 

For odd reason that sounds so weird to be asked. What I wanna ask.

But the thing is we need to be stable. We need to have plans. We need to move forward. An we can't do that when her life is doing whatever 

An she isn't telling me.

I have thought about it... the thing is her mental health is her fear. An I dont understand thst in any way. Because I barely have had to deal with it as closely as I used too. Before it was a little more spontaneous an unstable. But the last while even when she's been struggling...she hasn't ended up in hospital 

To me that means she's doing better. An maybe she should consider what I want. But I can't say that because if we jump all in. What will happen.. idk.

But I cant ask her the question until we test the waters of living together. An she can't live with me till she is stable. I considered moving. So that we can have a fresh spot an she can have her own space inside the place we live so that when she goes thro these episodes. She can still be with me an we can learn how to go thro it. Idk.

I think in love we can make it thro anything but she doesn't put enough faith in my understanding of her. An my patience with her. She needs to give me a chance. To let me make it thro this all with her..

I dont know...

I had thought when she wanted to see me... that she'd want to talk. Or walk. Or anything of value but instead we just drove an didn't talk. An only now I have all these questions without answers. 

Idk.

living on hope

I got told... that I've been living on this false sense of it will get better... for on an off of months on months... I've been battling the ideas... finally feeling like I've had enough...

I watched an episode that had a husband totally go out of his way not to call his wife... even though in a time of despair that would be the person he should be calling. But he waited till after the chaos before deciding to reach out. 

It makes me think of where I'm at. My partner who is supposed to be in a partnership with me. Has left me out of her life for so long. The past summer she was able to cling to me. But our relationship hasn't been like that for any reason.. an then this past month. I was expected to wait. To hear literally nothing from her. An idk... it felt like I was breaking. 

I had lived on her Word. Instead of checking the actions that go with. 

I became disappointed. An more heart ache than what I'd care to admit. 

I tried so hard to stay strong. An just when I was about to give up. When I've felt ready to just walk away. 

She messaged. She showed up. An everything that I've gone thro still exists but it's not acknowledged or whatever. 

I dont know. I'm struggling. 

When I thought of seeing her I thought how nervous I was. How much I didn't want to see her but also wanted to. Because I knew. One kiss. One hand hold. One look into her eyes an she would have caught me back into it all. Which idk if its good or bad. 

And am I expected to see hope again. That now that her life is finally settling that maybe she will come back. But if she comes back will it still be worth it. 

We had plans. We had planned a future. A life. But my issue is that we shouldn't be living separately from one another. As a partnership we should be striving for the same goal an able to talk about it. Able to make it happen. 

I dont know. I'm losing my mind. An I'm lost. Because I want all the things we said but I don't know if it's possible because even tho this part or chapter for her is resolved. The next thing will come up an then what. I get put on the back burner.

My counselor had said she strives for the stability that I have. She likes the control she has over me an she gets to decide most everything an when I try say anything it's met with silence. 

I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Will she ever really let me into her life the way she has invaded mine.

An why is the life I live so worthy of her to want to stay. Because it just living...living to work. To pay bills. Raise my kid. An have some fun whenever wherever I can

I don't know...how can u devote yourself to someone you hardly see. Or talk to. Or connect with. 

I don't know.

silence

I spent so much of my time thinking.... taking in all the actions of others. I tried to no I didn't try to stay positive. Because for the first time. I'm seeing this in a way that causes me more pain..

I fell in love with her. The ideas of our future. I spent the last year pouring my heart an soul into this person. Feeling like I was being heard. That she had felt the same way. We were working on this awesome path

There were moments.. I literally can almost name them. When my presence in her life was the light of her world. Where just by merely holding my hand or laying on my chest was enough to rock her world. 

I never thought it would not go thst way. I never thought it would end. I thought this was forever.

But this month has been more of a reality check of the pain I'm enduring. I'm slipping further into wanting to commit suicide wanting to end my life because I feel like it's never gonna happen.

When I asked her out. She had said she wanted to be my everything. An to this day... I have nothing unless it's with her. She has embedded herself into everything I see. Feel. Smell. Touch. I'm completely involved with her. 

An seeing it now. I don't think it's mutual. I don't know what my expectations would have been or even what her expectations of me would have been. 

I dont know how the silence. The bailing on seeing me. The constant excuses for wanting it to be settled or better. 

If we took the last year. I'd say it's not ever going to be perfect. An that what I understood because I knew what I was getting into. I knew it would be difficult. 

You know there was 2 people I'd say in my whole life that I loved more deeply than this. One of them is my best friend an the other is someone I'll likely never see again.

But the trust. Devotion I had in them. Was beyond any measure of trust. Commitment. Anything an no one in my current life has this kind of love an devotion from me. An there's a reason for that.

However my current partner had said she wanted to be that for me. She had said she wanted to be what they were to me. An there were moments moments where I'd see it.

I loved that part of her. Just as much as I'd loved her letting me be there for her. Letting me hold her. Support her more closely than I have now. 

In my mind there's a reason this has happened an in her mind she thinks it's totally fine to treat me this way without even giving me a 2nd thought. 

I spent today. For the first time not responding. I stayed busy. I kept up with my day but I found myself struggling all day.....all day of what do I say. What will be enough an I asked for advice an no one could give any advice an I got nothing. An so I said nothing 

Cause I'm not in her world. I'm not in her home. For a long time she had said... our family. Our future is what she wants. But hasn't made effort to bring it to life. She has no problem causing me pain. No problem keeping me out of it all. An when I try say anything I get nothing. An so I'm in the dark.

The silence kills me. The pain of what or who or whatever she is talking to or counting on is not me. An I'm hurting an she doesn't care.

I got advice yesterday that made me see things in a different way but in such it makes me wish i was dead. Why did I do this. Why did I think I wanted this. An why is it so hard to let go. The idea of letting go makes me want to harm myself just to avoid the idea of what letting go will look like. 

Idk how to get thro this. An I dont know how she can have all this faith in forever when she doesn't even give me a day. An hour. A minute of her life. How can we be forever if the basic necessity of a relationship of any kind are not present because I'm hurting. I'm hurting here an my heart is being crushed. An I dont know how to survive the heartache. I literally have a plan for the first time an that is not good because if thus goes any other way I dont think I'll be able to come back from this. 

loyal

I'm struggling... I'm always struggling... I dont know how to explain myself or why I have so much faith in this relationship. She knows she's hurting me. She knows what she is doing is causing me pain but it doesn't stop her.

I know she won't show up for me. I was thinking about this.. how great it would be that she'd show up for me. But it's no longer within her capabilities... In the beginning... she was able to jump. Fly over. Or whatever. An now.. I hardly know anything. I know less than anything. An the more I realize this the more painful it is to be with her.

I dont know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know...why I am allowing this to be part of my life. 

I dont know how to let go. I don't know how to walk away. Because I love her. I want to be with her forever. 

I dont know what it is that makes me feel certain. We hardly see one another. We hardly talk. When we started this... I felt it. I felt it beyond a feeling of connection. 

An I loved how safe she felt with me. Or how secure I made her feel by my presence. I loved holding her in my arms. I loved everything. An we carried on for 3 months before it began falling apart. An we tried for the year to figure it out. But no matter how much I try. There's always so much going on in her life. So much she has to do or figure out which means closing the door on me, but instead of doing that. She's trying to hold onto me. 

I dont know why... 

Why is it worthy... why is it that I am worth this. When I yelled or argued with her that week or so ago. I thought she'd wanna change I thought she'd wanna make us work. I liked hearing that me saying what I did. Was kick to the gut for her to see what she was doing to me was selfish and served no one but her. I want to stay with her. I want to fight for us I believe in us. But I want better. I want greater I want so much.

It's funny she had said. That she had to communicate. That it wasn't a problem with me but with her. For the first time I met someone who's worse at communicating then I am. An worst off I feel like.... what lingers in my mind. Is that she had said she didn't feel like she could be herself around me and to me. That seems like a concern.. if you can't be yourself complete all an all with the person you're devoting your life too. Then what in the world is the point. What is exciting about staying with me. In the present I'm not talking about the future I'm talking right here an now..

Why... why. 

And why am I always in my head. Why am I undiagnosed. 

Lol

Out last encounter.. I wasn't willing to be my absolute self.. I had hid some parts of myself from her. An she didn't notice. If she had she'd have seen that I was getting worse in my cutting. That it's escalating. I'm losing my mind. Seeking out situations thst will cause me to turn to the one thing I love an has yet to fall me

hurt.

I see now that I am reacting to this relationship. Originally she had said she'd spend time with me an be here with me. And now she not only didn't she also just ignored the reality of what she said she'd do. An I'm hurt beyond measure. Because I'm realizing that I'm being dragged along 

When I fought with her. I thought I had finally gotten thro to her. I thought she wanted to work at our relationship an for a day or two she seemed to make effort but looking at it she's not making effort where it counts and I'm hurt more than ever. 

I dont know what I feel anymore. I don't know how to feel love when alls I feel is pain. I don't know how to feel love when alls I feel is disappointed. I don't know what to do. I'm consistently thinking of this being the end. 

Not the end of our relationship but the end of my life. My worthiness measured by how little I matter or my feelings matter to anyone specifically those that allegedly love me. 

I dont want to keep this up but I'm scared of what will happen if I let go. I'm scared of what will happen to my mindset. There so many fears attached but the idea of breaking free from the thing thst is causing me so much pain. I can't even remember the last time I felt and lived in that love that it mattered enough to me. 

I don't get to fight my way thro this because she is not willing to fight me she is willing to bail on me. Be selfish. An not consider my feelings in this situation. Not at any point did she hear my disappointment. She just doesn't hear me. Doesn't know me. Doesn't care. 

When I thought about her fighting for me. I thought wow how amazing it is to be loved as much. She loves me to fight for me. To want to make a change for me. An then this happened. It's like she knows how to cause me pain. An just does it to make me feel pain.  

Idk... I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for staying. I'm so used to this type of pain from people I wouldn't know what the right part of it all would Be. I haven't been in a healthy relationship in years or ever. I have no idea what that even looks like. 

She said this was our first healthy relationship if that were true why do I feel shitty an in pain all the time. Why do I only feel the way I feel. If I was in a healthy relationship I wouldn't be so disappointed an hurt an wouldn't react as badly as I do when she doesn't consider my feelings or needs. 

lost

It's never a good thing to feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. To also feel as though I have to bare it all on my own 

I'm hurting. I'm hurting beyond all measure of pain that I can endure. I am such an idiot. I'm looking back on a life I had. A life we had. A future we were supposed to have. 

I'm in love with this girl. I want the future to be real. I want to know we are working together to make it happen but I got nothing. A year ago things were better. Things were beautiful. I mattered. She texted called made an effort. An now shes silent. Distant an unknown to my life. 

My soul is hurting at the thought of what it means. Because on one hand. She says nothing doesn't show up. Doesn't see me. An then on the other she messages me the sweetest messages. Stuff about the future. 

I dont know what to do. I don't know what to feel. 

I talked to someone about my thoughts. How the world may be better without me. 

What is the point of moving forward. What is the point in trying to live. I'm fighting to survive everyday. 

An now I'm struggling to know if the person I love. Does she love me back. An if her answer is no. Will I be able to handle that. I don't know. I don't know. I'm hurting an I'm feeling like my heart is breaking. An I just want it to stop. I don't want to keep this up. I don't like the direction we have gone down. 

You know my messages they said things like. She'd say being with me was enough to feel love appreciated. An just knowing I'm here was enough. 

But now.......

Now.... I got nothing. I spend days with no talking. No texts. No phone calls. 

But than when there is a text. It's shit like don't let the stuff I'm thinking spiral into the chaos I'm currently enduring 

An the other part of that is she knows I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I feel lost. An I am worried. 

I hate that we spent so much time talking about the future. About family. Kids. Marriage. An if it falls apart. My soul will be crushed. An I'm not sure I can handle it. As I am not sure what to feel. I'm not sure how to respond. But I realize maybe she is doing this to make it easier for me to let go. 

Maybe I don't matter as much as I thought 

But then when I say that. It sounds selfish. What if she's in hell. She is enduring some traumatic shit. An she is coping in ways that I do not approve. Because it's a deal breaker allegedly for me. 

So then she's keeping me at arms length knowing full well it hurts. But I had said that I love her an I'll forever be here for her an I'll stand by her. 

Therefore.... even though I feel what I feel. I endured what I endure. I'm hurt. I'm hurting. But I'm still here an its hurting my resort to dealing isn't good. An idk. I've opened a door. To a life I am not supposed to be looking at. An I'm in a dark space. Where there is no light. 

I'm scared. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I'm scared of what or how ill react to shit. 

Or maybe I'm overthinking everything 

But I also cut off my supports. An 

May be making choices that will help letting go of the world easier for me. Because I'm cutting ties with people who matter to me 

I dont know. 

I dont like you

I feel so much pain... so much pain from so much in my life that I can't control. 

I'm hurting. I'm struggling to find purpose in my life. Does what I do really matter. Does me being alive benefit anyone. 

I dont want to keep surviving. I dont want to make all these plans of things that will never come to light. I am hurting. I'm hurting so much an no one anywhere can see that. 

On the surface. I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm whatever I need to be. But underneath I'm crying. I'm caged. I'm feeling myself be on the ledge. On a bridge. Ready to slit my wrists. There is no purpose for my life.

For so long I thought I was meant to live because of my kid.

I thought maybe this is me breaking the cycle. But I can't love him. I do love him but I don't have enough love to raise him to be good. To break chains 

I thought surviving those many years ago meant I'd have a purpose. But I don't know what it is. An I dont know if it's worth trying to keep fighting.

I was telling someone today. The best suicide is the one no one knew about. 

You know you have people who hint to people. Have people who chicken out or whatever. But the best suicide is the one we don't tell people about we don't give opportunities for them to stop us. The other side of that is not letting that person be the one that feels guilt for the rest of their life because they could or should have done something 

More an more... my mind is clouding with pain an torment.

I love this girl more than anything an yet she doesn't love me enough to show up to call or to be there for me. Being in a relationship isn't just sexual. An its definitely not just texting. We did the bulshit love language an we both needed to be with one another to feel that love.

An when she is silent. An not talking to me. My mind races.... my mind races to thinking how much of a joke I look like..... she could be in bed with someone else sending me some bs ILY message. She could be partying. Selling her ass. Or who knows what. She could have completely forgotten about me because I mean less to her than dirt on her shoe.

I don't fuckin know because I never know how she is feeling. What she is doing. Who she is with. An if I matter to her in any way at all. 

I could be fuckin going insanely crazy. An she doesn't even know. 

No one knows anything. I know that I'm at my breaking point. An I'm considering the easy way out because I feel like there's no purpose. It's like being in quick sand. No matter how much I pay bills. Pay for my housing. Watch my kid. Etc. 

I can't get out of it. On top of this. I can't live a life worthy of anything..

We talk about traveling. We talk about going places. Living together but ITS ALL FUCKIN TALK!! WE clearly aren't doing any of these things an she just stringing me along. An waiting for me to say the words I won't say!

I hate myself. I'll kill myself before I even leave her. I love her. Even though she may or may not love me. I'm hurting beyond all measure but I value her. I cherish her. She is my world. An she knows it. She lavished in that love an barely gave it back at least how I feel. 

I'm fuckin losing my Damm mind an mayb3 the world is better off without me. What good have i done in my years.

Now how should one kill themselves in a way that is idk an I also thought... I'd call police just before so that I'd save my family an friends the despair of finding me you know.

Is it terrible these are thoughts I've had. I seriously can't find a reason to keep on living. 

An it hurts. It hurts so much an I dont want to feel pain any longer