doubt growing like a weed

I'm struggling... there's so much going on an so much heaviness around my reliance on others. I know we should never rely on anyone...but honestly with love... well it blinds us. Asks us to have faith in the unknown. Have faith in others because of love. For so long I've rarely let anyone into my life... it worked pretty well but then I started slowly...started to break down the wall. An now I am feeling terrified... it feels as though being in this place where I had faith in others... reminds me of a TV show. Or Several. But the thing in this particular show called Prison Break. The series when they had to break out of a prison that was run by the inmates. One particular inmate had hidden himself basically to wither an die in the basement. Eating rats an whatever he could. The guy even built a brick wall covering himself from others so no one could find him.  Until one day someone did. An he relied on them. But when they broke him out of the brick wall he was deteriorating from only eating what an when he found scraps... the reason i say this is because it's how I feel...

However I broke down my walls because I put my faith in love. In the idea that out of love we would conquer all. An we would last forever.

But what she doesn't know... is that I relied on her.. on her word that I'm her everything. Thst she wants me in her life..

But... the issues... the many issues that keep rising up are starting to make me feel like I'm deteriorating. Because the more times she is disappointing me an not being here.. the more times I'm losing faith. Losing heart. 

What are the reasons for love... for connection. Sadly they seem to be instilled in us. Because it's why we are here.

I want to not lose faith.. I want to make it work. But it feels one sided. It feels as though I'm the only one fighting for stability for us. 

For her. She's fighting to stay alive fighting demons. Fighting multitudes of things but she's doing it alone. 

I've done everything I could to build up her trust an faith in me. I've proven more an more that I'll be here. An I'm not going to turn my back on her. But she still won't break down her walls. She still won't have more faith in me.

I need to figure out what to do from here... because right now....

I've lost so many. I've done so much an I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel that love without questioning it.. an right now I feel unworthy like I don't deserve love. That maybe all this time of trying to fight her demons.. I'm not ever good enough to be there. 

Idk... I'm hurt 

I'm hurt because I've repeatedly said this is who I wanna be with, who I wanna spend the end of time with. I want to stay an I feel like she wants me to stay but at a distance. An the worst parts of distance is that it continues to raise doubt. To raise concerns. An to make me wonder what does she do with her time. Who is she spending it with. How can we build our lives together if we aren't actually together.

I continue to feel as though I can't press the matter because she's in a fragile state. An when I push she runs away an I can't deal with the chase. I'm feeling done with the chase

We need to be over that. An ready to take on next steps. Because I or we owe it to ourselves to go thst length if that is what it is 

I dont know what I'm doing. Or what I should do. An I can't talk to my friends because I'm supposed to be all good an happy etc 

struggling in times of chaos

It's strange how everything can turn an fall apart as quickly as it has an then I wonder why I felt what I felt. 

I feel alone...I feel like all the choices I've made in the past few years hasn't been good enough... you know being a parent.  Really speaks to the kind of person I am. You see my kid... an you see a kind gentle handsome joyful kid. Reflection of how I've been with him. 

But the stuff going on outside of our lives... simple things like having someone use his name to collect cheques an committing fraud..  an now I'm being screwed for it..

To some it may seem simple fix. To others it's like why do I need the supports... I'm a working mom.  But expanses in our house hold... with ensuring we have food. Gas. An proper clothing..

These are expansive things... an I felt like I had to decide whst was best for him even if it meant I didn't get to buy a winter jacket or some warm socks. 

I love my kid. I have no regrets about the choices I made to be a part of his life.

An in the beginning...I felt like...this...this is why I'm alive. This is why I was brought back from the edge of death. 

Because I was meant for a greater purpose an it felt as though this was it. Not just being present in thr world.  It was as though someone whomever seen the future an decided 

Living is always a tough one... there so many difficult histories. 

I just want a love that endures. One thst I can fill me with a happiness. .

I'm exhausted

I want to write but I csmt cause I'm absolutely exhausted 

memories from last year

First off...I must pay honor to Betty White. Such sad news to hear that she had passed away.

Rest in peace Betty. 

Now onto the new year.... my memories are flooded with memories from the last year. Grateful for the life I've had but also completely recognizing the difficulties I've faced. 

It looks like last I wrote was about love...

Love still stands... an sometimes I still don't know why.. I dont know how I've ever been so lucky to be able to find a place such as this. With everything I've been through. 

I'm grateful for what love I have found. I cannot tell you enough..  how weird of circumstances it has been. But how grateful I am to have found a place where love exists. 

I have absolutely no idea how I've been put in this place to have been in love with someone an to have lasted for such a year as this. An to be alive with her.  

We've been through so much.. so much moments where we had doubts. Questions. Concerns. Reasons to not continue etc. 

Yet... here we are.. here we are together in this so called love. 

On our way to forever. An I just don't know how or why or when or how. What do we do from here. How do we get through this. How do we make goals an achieve them. How do we save money. How do we build on family. 

I dont even know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Sometimes people see our pictures and think you look so happy. But sometimes they look at those pictures an think your so exhausted. All is true. Because as much as I try be happy. I also am done with the current job. An ready to take on something less stressful. 

I need to find a way to take the next steps. To find the right moments where happiness is truth. Where we can be ourselves an move forward in all the love we could have had. 

How do we set goals that love matters enough without doubt. 

How can she have the best weekend of her life an yet we just present with one another. I want more. I want more than that. I want to laugh. Love. Dance. Inspire. An move forward 

My mind is so lost right now. I'm losing my mind right now and I want more out of all this. 

Keep moving forward. But how do we do better. How do we survive. How do we stay alive. 

I dont understand 

I'm losing my mind I guess.

How do we see last year. An know how far we've come. And how far we are willing to go

I so want the world to know our love. But to survive it in a better place. To give us a happiness that is better than this.

There's so much.. In my head..

The last year has done one thing proven each of us has made it. An we are moving forward..we are going to build on a life...

An hopefully take the next steps...the next steps being..  omg can you believe I'll say it...

Moving forward to engagement. Reading about it all. An learning best ways.

I have it on my mind. Because I just love the idea of being with her forever. An at the same time in saying that I worry about that..  but I'm grateful for her. I'm grateful for the happiness she has given me 

truly remain yours

I'm consistently struggling..an I dont know if that's normal... I mean... realistically is love meant to be easy to get into an out of. Or is meant to push the boundaries. To push your need for comfortable zones. Push your vulnerabilities. So that you begin to trust the person you say you love.

It's not meant to be an easy decision..

I'll forever been imprinted...by the love that I never had. Because I believe that I had found that love. Maybe I didn't. But maybe I did. What my life would have looked like if my morals weren't about family protecting them etc.

But because I am the protector... I left that love. An that history back in Ontario. 

My time in BC.. I'd like to say I jumped in an out of relationships. But I'm not the type. So I went into some sort term..long term places...only once since being here did I truly believe in thst love.. 

And even then, as the world falls to pieces... as the love becomes harder to hold onto 

I found something

A love deeper than i could express  an to have captivate that love

Regardless the reason its important 

I'm too exhausted 

So I'm asking all these things cause....we aren't able to do the next steps

We have changes we have to make.. but how long. When..  how do we know what that love is an how do make the changes to the steps...with having no freaking Idea when. Where how. When....what

There's so many ideas... an idk. I want the next steps but I'm also not sure,

trying times

I find myself realizing how much I've sacrificed. An how difficult that is. I don't know how to make necessary changes so that I can feel content with myself an my life. 

I'm losing my feeling for anything. My need an desire for connection seems to be lost. An I'm realizing I don't know anything anymore.   

Once again I had everything figured out or planned an now... I dont know anything that is real or normal idk how to bring us out of this darkness. 

I dont know if it's worth moving forward. I don't know if it's normal to feel this way. I spent so much time.. I loved my life so much that now I'm realizing. What am I living for. 

I feel like I'm failing... I'm failing at living my best life. I'm sure at the end of the year that's how we all feel. Especially because I didn't really make any goals. Except to do more. Lol be more than I was from this last year.

An I haven't. 

The car crashes. The work. The kid. The relationship all held me up.  An it feel like idk if my relationship is meaningful enough to make us want to move forward or be more. I don't wanna stay the same way. I want to try new things. Be somewhere other than here. An there's so much riding on us not doing that. An that's hard to work with...because we never get time. We never get to be with one another long enough to make solid plans that actually work out. If I ask for these plans I always get the shit end. An maybe that's on purpose maybe that's an accident or maybe that's just my luck. I'm not sure what to think of it.

Just like before Christmas...my partner had said she basically wasn't gonna see me. An I was hurt but it's like the wedge pulling us further apart. So I thought fine. But then she showed up an not only that stayed with me. An I felt like am I expected to perform? To please her. To make her time with me more valuable? I ask what do you wanna do an its always met with silence. I try think of things but I don't have that much money so I can't really give her the world. An so we end up at home. In this messy disgusting house because that's how my kid an my brother have lived.  An it feels nearly impossible to try break their habits. But I have to come up with something because more an more I'm unhappy. I dont come home to my nice clean house. I come home to a disaster easily prevented if my idiot brother would get off his ass. Or if I get rid of like 6 boxes of toys. So much going on in my head.. an for what feels like the first time I dont have anyone I can call. See or talk too. 

It's been a long time since I felt alone... to this point. An I know that this feeling isn't new it's just more abruptly interference in my life. 

I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel. Alls I know is that I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. An in my hurt I'm reacting in ways that are old patterns. An in doing that. More shit becomes dangerous. 

Will it get better...will it evrr be more than this. Because right now I feel like it's not worth much. I'm not worth much an I dont know what to do. Or who to find myself. .

The trials I'm facing outweigh by too much that I don't know how to be successful in my daily life any longer. 

struggling year

This time of year is difficult for some.  It's my 2nd year I guess of not being a part of the family events.. last year I was able to create my own but it was a disaster. So this year I'm sending my kid off to spend Christmas with his grams. 

But it leaves me wondering what will I Do. Idk this year has been so uncertain so difficult an painful so hard to stay connected or want to be connected 

The once upon a time of thinking this was my forever life. The forever beauty of a future. Family. Life. An in one stupid moment I just too worries about putting myself out there..

I find I'm consistently questioning whether the world I live in is real. Because of all the brokenness an lack of being able to catch a break 

Places that meant the world to me that I wanted to share with my partner now just feel tainted. 

I am struggling to feel anything. That isn't a good thing. 

More an more the disconnect. The need to allegedly rely on faith.it isn't easy an I'm finding myself doubtful of anything ever making it. 

I want this future we talked about. I want it all to be real but in the back of my mind...there's a hint of doubt. There's been so much separation. 

I went thro our old texts.  Once upon a time. Allegedly just being in my presence was enough to make my partner feel most alive. Most loved. Most appreciated. 

An now. I don't see her. I barely talk to her. We aren't connecting the way we used too. An the communications are only in text messages. It just seems so difficult.

How does one bring back...life. love. Communication. Commitment back into our relationship rather than drifting apart. Altho I dont feel like I'm doing or living our best lives.

Most of the time... I just don't know who or whether we going to go the distance. I want to

I thought about our future so long. I made plans 

I'm struggling to stay awake. I'm exhausted

..the last week. Just so tired

So much 

one year

I guess we had faith this time would come. We had hopes an dreams. There's so much wrapped around this month. An for me. I hold so much value in honoring our time together but also recognize that we are in a different place. A year ago.   It was that she couldn't wait to be in my presence just to be present with me. Just to snuggle or be together. An now.  I've seen her but not seen her. 

An what I mean by that.  Is that. . There currently is so much struggle for her. And I know she knows the weight of it.  But she is carrying so much all on its own but it feels like... our relationship is no longer the centre. And in the year..the health for her has been unbelievable. 

More an more I spend my time not understanding what is going on and how I can support her. An today I had realized.   I actually wasn't as present with her as I had hoped to be. 

I barely tried to talk to her. An it wasn't out of not wanting to it just that it was a busy day at work. On top of that I had my own stuff come up...that I had to work thro I had to figure out. Idk 

But seeing us going into this anniversary... I want it to be great but I'm not sure it will an also. I had memories of the extent or length I've gone to in the past.  An it never matters. 

What I'd rather more than anything is just to be in her life.. or to have her want or need or anything to let me in. 

Memories are good an bad. Because yes we made it things long but reality also is the one year ago.   We tried to connect more. We spent more time talking. Spending time together while at work. An different things like that. .

I miss everything. I miss the fun. I miss the connectedness... an I worry with the time apart an distance she may go back to the same ideas as before in thinning maybe we aren't forever. 

I'm literally counting down the days. Searching for ways for us to connect

I'm exhausted but above all things... I miss her an wish she were here with me. Or let me in.  After repeatedly proving to her that there Is no one no way no how

I miss her.. I need her..I feel lost without her