painful truth

It's been a difficult week... financially. Mentally. Physically. There has been so much just in my life that has been overwhelming

Then on top of that chaos. My partner ended up in hospital.. I didn't get notified. But because of knowing the routine. I guess I knew to call in finding out where she was concerns me..

Because to me it's like I should have expected this or known in a better way what might have been going on for her. An I didn't. More ways that I'm not truly the one that deserves the truth 

Furthermore. My partner called me today.   And for what felt like the first time in a long ass time.  It seemed or I assumed or took what she said.  As she wants me to leave her. An if I do she's good.

Imagine that... 

Just day before that. We were talking about Christmas. Our anniversary. Our first dates. Our month. Our shit of stuff that mattered. .an the marriage. The forever. The everything an to be caught off guard..  I hurt.. I hurt in ways I've not felt in awhile. 

I had to swallow that pain. Because I had my kid with me. .

But deep inside. My heart is feeling ripped out. Shattered. 

I shouldn't care but I do. I care about her an who we are an what our love has conquered.

I am not willing to walk away. I'm not willing to give up. I love her more than anything. 

But damn that hurt. An I dont get why she had said that. An I tried to call her. But she didn't get it an when she tried to call me.   I was watching ufc. Not a good enough excuse. 

I dont get why... why is there this part of her that likes to push me like that.... 

Literally I asked her.  Day before.  I said we're good. She said 100%. If that were true she wouldn't have been saying this bs to me.

I cant sleep. I can't settle my mind. I can't get this insanity out of my head. I just want to hurt an feel hurt an re-hurt

I'm pretty messed up...right now.. I know this because I'm not in my mindset.... I'm in a bad head space. 

memories continued

I so got in my head an got distracted...so a year ago.. my life changed in a lot of ways. For the first time in so many years.. I finally was willing to let someone into my life. 

How we met was all the fun an chaos of my life and remembering her tell me that she only had eyes for me an i was not thinking of it. As well as when she asked If I was interested in anyone. I was clear as day said no.  

Truth be told I was always interested but I didn't think it was tangible. I didn't think it would work. Not only that I barely knew her.  But the more we talked. The more we connected. An the more we wanted 

Within this month..  we went from friends who talked everyday an night. To sleeping together. To being together official. An now realizing.   We've wanted this. Not just this. 

We want a future together. We want a love that withstands everything. A love that endures. As we both have struggled to open up. Struggled to let one another in..

When we got together. When we finally let ourselves be together.  We were inseparable. We were happy we were content. We were willing to go the extra mile. To be there. To love. To connect. To build on our trust an family. 

I dont think there is a love greater than this. I don't think there is life that can be more passionate than this. Don't get me wrong...we've had some bumps. We've had some serious moments where I've doubted. But I've also chosen. I've made up my mind in so many ways to stay connected with her. An let her be connected to me. 

I want to be her everything. I want our worlds to unite. I want our future to be so tangible. So reachable that by tomorrow it can happen. 

We both have stuff. I have so much. But at the same time so does she. An reality is even those closest to me do not know me in ways that she does. Because I haven't been willing to share myself with anyone.. and I just want to share it with her. I want to be happy. I want the family. I want the dog. I want the home. I want the train tracks to cross paths an become one because we are capable. We've been thro too much to imagine it ever not surviving.

What I would give up. What I'd live for. What I'd die for. What I'd choose each an everyday. 

How many love stories have this kind of passion. I know we will have difficult days. But alls I want.  Is to be by her side as she's been building a wall around her heart. An I want to be able to break down that wall an build it up with me on the inside. Lol because I'm trustworthy. I'm strong enough to hold onto her an be what she needs in her moments of good bad ugly. 

I want to celebrate our love. I want to be able to be happy the way she makes me happy an to show her that. 

This has been the most beautiful experience of my life. That I miss laying next to her. An hearing her tell me she loves me

I miss so much in our moments. I miss so much in our lives. I don't want it to continue to be this way. I want to give her everything she needs 

Was funny the other day. I had thought that on Dec 1. Was our first day of walking her home. An it was when she got discharged from hospital. An just being someone who was an is willing to be there. 

I wanna cry because I'm missing our moments. I'm missing our passion. An everything she has going on I know I'm missing it. She's missing it an I just want to be able to snap her out of it. But I can't. My hope. My faith. My belief is that she will find her way back to me.. 

memories

It's been such a crazy time... it's been more painful then good. Which really sucks because... it's the time of the year for some odd reason that I hold value... value enough to want to change my last name to reflect this season 

Memories have surfaced about a bunch of stuff not just with my partner. But also my kid. For those that don't know.... 

I absolutely consider to be my kids actual mom. But the reality is I'm not his birth mom. I'm his mom in all definition except for birth of him.  However we're related... 4 yrs ago... I made a call that jeopardized this kids future..  I admit I made the call. But in all the scenarios...who was actually looking out for the kids best interest. The father of my kid has a bad reputation for taking care of his son an thankfully has no rights to him whatsoever. So ya he isn't a good person. An I made a call when I found out my kid was with him.  Was a danger to his safety in my opinion 

It rolled into this gigantic snowball of events thst now four years later.. we celebrate that he has been with me. An approx two years ago he was permanently transferred to my custody. I have no issue with the life I have lived. 

But...

Memories... keep my grounded in acknowledge that I don't want to be the kids guardian forever. I will if I have to. But I want his parents to come back. I know the trauma it will take if his parents decide to continue to not be a part of his life. 

I understand they have their addictions or life struggles. But they can make effort. They can take steps if they want too. An until they are ready.. I have to be the consistent person in my kids life 

I have no regrets in the life I've lived. I value my kids life an would give up my own. Move mountains. Or take on anything the world tries to throw at him. This is normal psycho parent behavior. 

My partner stuff. Well to be honest. I thought we had an anniversary early in Dec as well but I likely am wrong...

But we are coming up on some important dates for us and altho life changes have happened for my partner... I've been here... I've been here being patient an hoping she would want to come be in my life. But she hasn't. An it concerns me. Because I know it means she may be struggling a lot more than she's leading on an there isn't anything I can do to be there for her unless she chooses to let me in.  

How do we keep our love alive. How do we find faith in these difficult times. How do we believe in the love that lights up our lives but then gets dim in the dark days. 

I know that stuff....life is difficult. It's as though her life just crumbled into nothing but instead of clinging to the light of her world she's shuddered. She's hiding. It is hard to know what to do. It is hard to know where to go from here. 

I am worried. I'm concerned. An yet... I have to be ok.. I have to be strong. I have to remain strong. 

I'm not ok. I'm struggling an I'm worried an I want to accuse my friends. Of stuff that they likely don't have to worry. But I'm worried. An I'm losing my mind. An I dont know what to think. 

I hate that I let myself fall to this shit. To know those that I care for would do this to me. 

Please tell me that this isn't real. My thoughts are destructive. An they are going to tear my walls down. Tear me down. 

And I have no one I can call. No one I can turn too. An idk what the heck to do. 

bruised

The reality of the world we are living in an the reality that I don't know where I belong any longer. More an more. Am I staying here to keep you happy or has there been a time where we found happiness

Not long ago I was able to find warmth in your eyes an touch an now I feel cold. 

I feel as though I don't know what we are doing here. I haven't gotten over the continued miscommunication of it all. An I felt at this party we stupidity attended..  I felt like people wondered an I'm sure we wondered why are we together.

What purpose to provide one another

I'm in a destructive state to be honest. I dont feel as though anything good is happening in my life an if it is. I just was to self destruction. Self sabotage 

I want to hurt those that are hurting me.

I dont want to feel anything at all. 

I want to cry. I want to destruct. I want to be ok to just end my life without any desire for remorse. 

Or fears of the outcome of others. 

I dont know if I can continue to be in love with my partner when I don't know why we are together. Why or what change have I provided or been provided how have I appreciated or been appreciative to her an us. 

I dont want to keep up my own pain but truth be told. I'm hurting. I'm hurting an I just want to hurt. I want to cause more pain then what I feel. 

I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my heart. An I'm losing everything I'm prepared to be hurt. I'm prepared to just fuck it all up 

Is it worth a conversation? Is it worth a thought or words to be spoken about what I feel ? 

Or should I continue to hide in this bs an pretend like everything is fine. 

It doesn't feel fine.. an I'm so cold. I seriously don't remember when we've been good for one another. 

I really can't imagine a future only because I don't want to go on living. I want to be gone from this world. So much heaviness on my heart. So much pain in my words. I have nothing in grateful for... an if I try say this..it will lead to serious destruction for both of our worlds 

I need you

I feel so jaded.. continously feeling this... so much has gone on. So much has overwhelming me. An the love. Support. Devotion. Idk...

What do I really need ? 

I honestly wanna say... I want bad thing. I want to come back to no return state. I want to hurt so bad that I love/hate myself. I want to test the waters with all things. 

I'm hurting.... I'm hurting from the words spoken. Not spoken yesterday. I'm hurt by the way I read them. 

I'm hurt by everything. 

That literally in one message I began to doubt everything I was so sure of moments earlier. I actually looked it up on my messages.

My partner had said she had felt my love etc. An then within hours. It was "hopefully" that I love her. Or the miscommunication. 

It all went badly so fast.

I've been able to go to work an forget about it. But... at the end of it all. When I'm able to process what I feel how I feel. I just want to cut. I want to feel pain. I want to hurt. I want to be hurting. I want to be bleeding. I want it to hurt.. I want to feel something other than what I feel. 

I'm losing my mind 

I'm going into such a dark space. That there are no feelings to release these moments. An if she even tried as she has... I dont feel the warmth. I don't feel content I feel doubtful.

An with all things... I needed the one place in My life to remain solid. An it hasn't. An that is beyond shitty.  

I want to screw it all up.  I want to give up on all things. 

Sadly I want to give up on my life. 

I don't think I really mean to say that. But there has been so much uncertainty in my life. So much loss. So much brokenness.. an now on top of it. 

I dont feel love. I don't feel anything. I just feel broken. I feel disappointed. Like did I make the wrong choice this entire year by being present. By giving my heart sn soul. 

I want to break down.. I want to give up. No one will really miss me anyhow. 

I just want to close off the world. An forget that it ever existed. Or let them forget I even existed.  I can only hope for great things to come can only hope the sun will shine. 

I've lost faith.... In all. In myself. 

. I'm sorry 

bleeding from the heart

 I dont know where to begin with what Im going through. what I've endured and faced.. I feel such much pain.. so much grief. so much sorrow. 

I can't say why really. but I can say that this is the hardest days I've had. and a test of that is growing more and more each day. 

I'm struggling with so much in my daily life. An I'm also feeling the weight of it all. I cannot tell enough how difficult the year has been an how much I've felt like a failure. 

I realize more an more that I am becoming more destroyed by the world I live in. 

I knew that I'd go down this self sabotage way an not be able to get myself out of it but I had hoped it were possible. But then my partner has played on this an because she is hurt. She is hurting me as well an then wondering why I feel so jaded. 

I'm struggling 

I dont know what more ways I need to say this. I was sure. Am sure. Want to be sure. That I love my partner but... when she brings out this side of me. An doesn't help restore the balance in our relationship then I get concerned. Because are we together so that she can feel better about herself? So she can be validated that she allegedly loves me.  I feel like falling apart. An I dont know how to stay strong. I'm hurting. An I dont know how we ended up here. 

I hate the shit that led up to this. An how instead of discussing it... we got to be silent sn in the no words..  an yet .  Idk

How can we grow in love. If we aren't showing it. Expressing it. Living with it. ... I thought we were doing really well but now I'm not so sure. An does that mean we were never doing well. Or were we doing well..an she let this sabotage happen as well

Is there a way back from it... better hope so otherwise it's going to be a difficult couple days. An you know... what it all comes down too. Is the same bs. COMMUNICATION. The one thing she knows we struggle with. An yet she was not even aware what I read or how I would read it. 

So now.... 

I'm questioning everything... are we for real. Do we even matter. Is this even worth it. I thought we were. I thought this was it for me. But having her miscommunication stuff come up has my head turned around. An I'm on the verge of breaking down. Falling apart. An just finding a way out. A way that will only cause pain. Because I'm coming from a place of pain..

Fuck. An I have to go to bed with this feeling. I have to worry about this stuff. 

I'm losing my mind.. I'm hurting. I'm struggling... an I dont want to go from here because the direction this was heading is not where I thought we were going. 

remain strong

I'm trying to move forward. I'm trying to not let all the chaos effect my everyday life. But more an more I'm struggling because everything feels difficult... I feel as tho I'm carrying more than I can carry and on top of which I'm feeling less than myself. The physical self feels weak and makes me feel less than. 

My hearts so heavy. My soul feels so dark. I'm struggling to find light. Struggling to feel anything worth feeling.

I thought it was Beautiful to have my partner tell me she wanted to show me love. We haven't been together often just our jobs an life. So it's nice to have my partner want to shower me with love. I felt honored but pressured. How does one respond to that. I feel as thought I failed. Normally I'm usually about to figure it out but this time. I'm not sure what happened. I just froze I guess.

It's nice to be loved. It's actually sometimes the only reason I'll wake up. But along with that love there has to be more to it..I dont know what I mean by that I just know

We are on the verge of celebrating something amazing.. celebrating our one year anniversary next month... altho we recently celebrating becoming friends on fb..only took us a month before I asked her out. 

The more I think about our history and how we met. The more in love with her.. the more passion. The more fire I feel within myself.. and it's in these moments I wish she was here next to me. 

It's hard a lot of the time.. as I'm being patient I'm trying to be here..

But her upbringing ? Her trauma? Her life? Something has taught her never really on anyone. Never count on others. Or never look weak among anyone...idk really but a lot of the time... I feel as though she has shut me out. 

She finds herself in dark places trying to find her way back to me. 

In my mind that would mean being next to me. 

But in her mind it's the opposite. So it's not easy for me to sort through it.

However.....I can't imagine living in this world if she wasn't mine. More and more I'm grateful for her. I know if an when I've needed her she's been there. I'm trying not to need her. But it's a passion. A bond. I love her. 

Other than that...everything else is terrible... I'm struggling to keep going. Everything feels like I'm failing in all way. I'm struggling to keep my head up. Struggling to keep myself focused. 

I want to cave into my urges. I want to feel some pains..or something other than what I've been feeling. 

I need an escape. I need to hide from this reality. I also need to grow a pair lol an show or return the passionate love my partner showers on me. Idk why I don't respond fast enough maybe just used to rejection. Idk 

Sometimes I can be poetic on my own..but other times I can barely say anything important.. 

I wonder more and more each day 

Why has she chosen me?