struggling

I'm sad to say how difficult things have been for me. In every sense of the word. It's been like the world is today. It's been chaotic. It's been cold. It's been keeping distance. 

So I have had my kid for going on 4 years of my life. Believe me.   I have no regrets I love him more than life itself. An id totally give up my life for him. I'd do anything for him.  

Regardless... 

Reality is the truth in currently facing. My sons parents have been going behind my back an applied for government funding for my kid. An it had worked for them until now. 

I've recently been notified that I've lost my benefits regarding my son's childcare. 

I've lost all benefits regarding my son. 

I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. 

I was thinking about it randomly...about the world we live in.  An as much as I'd love to die. I'd love to give up my life. The reality is if we live in a world like now and I had to choose. I'd give up my life for my son to live. 

What is the definition of mother. ..

Just because you give birth to something doesn't make you a mom. 

Just because they share that bond of mother and baby doesn't mean they are forever 

I'll never have those experiences she has had. But I was there when he was born. I have never left him.  And when he came into my home 4 yrs ago I gave up my whole world for him.  

I left a job I loved. A home I didn't mind leaving behind. I let go of my pride. An I asked for help in ways I never had before.

I've been there for my kid...I've never let him down. 

I love my kid. I love him more than life. Basically all I want to say. 

I'm struggling. I'm hurting. And I want to make the world better for him. 

But repeatedly I feel as though the world is shoving me while I'm down.

Especially regarding my kid. 

On top of all these struggles... i want the good moments. I want a day where I'm not so stressed... I want to be happy. I want my partner to enjoy being with me. I want her to have fun with me. 

An now I'm in a shit mood because I feel as though all my much needed supports are going up in flames. 

An it hurts. It hurts like a shot to the heart. 

An I dont know how to recover. I don't know what to do. 

I'm so terrified. I'm so scared. I've lost too much already.

I have some serious choice words I'd like to share with this asshole...but because of her addiction she wouldn't hear me even if I told her. Because she isn't herself but I hope people tell her what she has fufked up for me an her kid. 

right next to you

 I have so much on my mind.. and I don't know what to think.. where to begin.. I am struggling becauuse I've put myself here.. and sometimes for a short time things go well but then it always end up falling apart, but my fear of losing my lover outweighs everything. 

I tried.. and according to her messages she has also tried to be there, giving me more time, or being more present in my life.. but the distance is unbelievable.. I can hardly express how difficult it is to be where we are.. realizing in one month we are expected to celebrate one year of being together.. 
should we even celebrate? should there even be some sort of acknowledgement? 

What are my expectations of this relationship> I don't even know.

but I know that all other relationships I was or they were already moved in by now, and maybe it's good we aren't but... when do we see one another. and our times together have been pretty terrible.. and so it's hard to want to see the "love of my life" when we aren't spending time together, it's harder to want to be together, and the only time I do get.. is when she comes and sleeps next to me, but that's about it.
should I demand more.. if I do.. it's always getting worse..because I hardly hear from her at all and when I do I just don't have time to respond, and if I respond it's always nothing really interesting to get into.. 

I basically have a relationship with my phone.. and randomly on some days it goes off and I hear from someone who devotes an abundance of love.. but it's not something I feel. nothing I see. not something I can grasp.
And I know I always said I wouldn't doubt it but we are where we are.. and there is nothing really to show for this alleged love.. its hard.. 

when people ask how my partner is. that's a loaded question because I don't even know. because she is so closed off to me.. she trusts me with nothing that I am basically in dark... 

she doesn't want me to be there for her. she doesn't want me to know the dark shit, or anything really. and then she lets all these other people in her life except for me, but then says that I am her only contact but that's not the truth. because who is taking those pictures of her when shes wandering the city with this perosn. 

it reminds me.. of my main man.. who also wandered the city at night,but could never find time to be with me. 

I love my partner. I love them more than I wanna admit. and maybe they love me. but if they did.. shouldn't that be reflected somewhere.. because Im struggling to feel anything anything at all adn more and more distance. more and more of not seeing them. more that I don't know what to do..

and on top of it all my idiot friend and I are not talking.. so I basically have no one.. no one to confide in. no one to turn too.. so imagine what I am doing to cope with how I'm feeling. and Im struggling because I just don't know how to live in this world if my partner stops loving me, caring about me or anything .

Im struggling... I really don't know anymore. 

know nothing at all

I'm trying... I'm trying to feel something... but I've been put in position where feeling anything at all just causes me more pain. 

I dont wanna be where I'm at. Idk what I wanna feel  I just know that... I'm struggling...

I'm struggling...because I feel numb... I feel disconnected. I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I don't know what to do. 

You know the worst of it all..  is my partner said.. to keep our love alive we had to communicate. We had to connect. An I tried. We tried. An I dont know how to feel connected.  I don't know how to feel the love. How to let her love me. Because I'm so confused by it all. 

I dont understand how love can exist without the presence. Without the communication. 

Sometimes it seems like we're good but more days then not were not always talking. We're not always around one another. An I'm trying.   But more I try the more distance begins to come forward. An this feeling begins to come into my life.. 

Then I have a scare... where I lost touch with her for only 6 hours but I had the worst feeling in my gut. A feeling I haven't felt before. 

And like my gut hurt. I hurt. I was scared. I was terrified. I was angry. I was confused. An I had no one to turn too. 

People are tired of hearing me..

But when it all came together...the reality was..  we both allegedly needed one another so much. Which was a feeling we hadn't felt much at all. 

Idk...

I'm grateful for the time we have...but I feel so numb to everything.   But then when I need. When I yearn. When I want. She is the only face that I see. She is the only love that I want. 

So I'm confused of what it is I actually want..because I know that I'm psychotic enough that I don't want to live without her. 

She can't live without me. 

We can't be friends. 

But.....

Where are we then? 

Once upon a time not that long ago. We were high set on getting married. On building a future etc. An now we barely talk about it. Now we barely acknowledge it. An the commitment is allegedly there an that is apparently good enough. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like we're drifting 

I explain this.  An we make plans. An we communicate by text and phone. We see one another an bs. .but... I feel like garbage. 

I dont feel like this place is home..  an I dont even make plans anymore because nothing ever happens as I hope it would 

I just need something... I need a feeling of any feeling. I feel like nothing. 

You know... next month we're allegedly celebrating an entire year..  and I don't even know how to make a plan.  What to make a plan. 

Her idea of date night is different then my verison 

I just don't know what to think. I'm losing my mind. An I feel distant from the person I am supposed to be devoted too. 

I dont know how to be present because I feel so numb. 

Idk what's going on.. everything has effected me that all my walls have gone up and I'm closed off to everything. .

I'm ready to give up on all that is important. Because I don't feel like it matters. 

missing it all

Is it OK that everything feels so blah... that I am struggling as much as I am. 

That the more I realize how alone I am. The more terrified I am about it all. 

I realized once again today that the only people in my life are people who take things from me when they need it. That my moments of crisis are not found in any way shape or form. Thst in my moments when I dial anyone for support I got none. 

The world is very shitty as is. But worse is the lonely feeling..

I feel the loss of connection with all. That even though I've voiced my needs to be close with others they been met with nada. An I'm still alone in this place. Wondering where do we go from here.. 

I want to be in relationship with my partner. I've been thinking about the last while an the distance of that how can she think this is ok... we barely have a connection. We barely have a closeness. An then i thought about all the reasons we aren't together an think do I confront her. Do I ask her.

Not long ago we were talking about forever we were talking about a love that is forever but now it's barely a chat at all. No phone calls no more visits. No more sleeping together. Alls i get is random texts..

It's funny because she said I should reach out to her for support but reality is..

It's not just that she doesn't know me it's that if I tried and I have tried calling her. With no answer. No reply an then I've gone into psychotic episodes.

Anxiety over her reasons behind not responding to me. An some are insecurity but some are legit an there hasn't been much reassurance..

Once there was... once she cared enough to talk to me. An now I barely get anything 

I have so much fucked up shit in my head... the only reality I know. Is that we are both terrified to lose one another I know this because of her hospital incident. Idk 

Other than that... I'm alone...there is no one... an that scares me.

Yes I have my kid

But I've made plans for him in event I should leave before my time

I don't know what I'm thinking. But I'm scared of my thinking an I wish I had people I could talk too. Because I just don't like the feeling I have going on in my life and not having the outlet to work thro it.

I'm getting more .

This feeling of nothing. Of emptiness. More of loss of love. Of heartache of pain. Of things that are not good for me. An all these thoughts of bad things. 

No one to talk too

No surprise visits with my lover. No lover to be here with me...  

If I tell her it may turn out badly.  As it already has. But losing her which I thought I did was worse..

Wtf is wrong with me..

struggling for feelings

I have started down a way in which I'm not feeling proud. But in the past few weeks of dealing with chaos and having no moments of warmth I guess it's no shocker that I'd feel so jaded.

I'm repeatedly trying to make us work. Trying to not let the voices of those in my life to cloud my thoughts an desires but there comes a time where it's too much. I've spent weeks months even trying to be ok with my relationship. Trying not to focus on the bad but I'll say this. We've had more bad days then good I try to make plans for us. I voice what it is that I want for us. An I assume by saying it maybe it means it will come to pass but always the opposite happens 

I feel like I'm getting hurt...repeatedly.. like think of idk. I'm trying so hard to hang onto what is good. But my grip on this love that is expected to be forever is not feeling as such. The love feels like it' can wither and die. An its horrible because she was the one that said to love an appreciate one another etc. 

Sue is the one who said we need to be more connected but then she disappeared an I'm feeling worse than before

Or how about the times she was expected to be there. An bailed. Does she think that felt awesome it didn't. All her bs of her life is better when she's with me. An now she is barely with me. 

What is it really that she wants from me...

When is it about my needs... my need to be loved. My need to be adored. My need to be close. My need to feel connected. My need for us to feel like we're a family. An instead it's none of those. An when I begin to act the way she has treated me. It's a push an pull or the chase she realizes what she loves me ? Misses me? What ? Idk. 

I feel shitty.  I feel like my shattered heart is breaking piece by piece. An she doesn't notice if she noticed what could she even do?

I dont know what I want anymore but I need better than this. I want it from her. But I'm not sure she is able to give me this time an closeness because she is so wrapped up in herself an her needs.

Which I'm trying so hard to be understanding about. But she's ALWAYS been about herself. Always been about what she needs not caring how it effects me. How much it hurts me. 

An how more distance is making me start to lose focus. Lose feeling. Lose desire. 

Idk how to make that mor clear. 

I feel shattered. I feel like garbage. I feel broken I feel like when I'm not focused on my job an when I'm not focused on my kid. I'm thinking terrible things because I feel so hurt. I feel so broken. An idk how much longer I'm expected to be ok with this an I dont know what other way to be as more direct with her. Like realistically in her head. How does she think we are on good terms ? How does she think of my needs? 

I'm becoming more shut down with her because it's my self defense it's my go To. But does she know that? See that ? Feel thst ? I don't know. 

Idk how to put effort into something or someone when they aren't doing the same.

Thinking of it makes me want to die because it hurts at the idea that I know what I'm saying I don't wanna say but I feel horrible an she is supposed to be my guard. She's supposed to be my everything. An yet here I am not feeling her love. 

She is not feeling mine either. 

Because I'm shut down!!! I feel nothing. Nothing but pain 

three little word of lies

 I don't know if I am going crazy.. I feel like I likely am.. but it just seems the case when i talk about what is really going on in these depths of places that are meant to feel better. In the beginning we were one another first call, one another first thought, we spent time together even if we just sat on the couch holding hands, or going for shopping adventures, or walking home from the hospital, work, anything and everything.. 

I guess they call that the honeymoon phase, except difference was we didn't get to enjoy it for that long.. as things went a big crazy.. and it was weird.. because she ended up in hospital I believe and it was because of her happiness of having me in her life, that made overly happy which changed her levels or something or another. and therefore... we tried to find a balance

next it was IDK.. oh complete in one another's lives, routine down, of seeing, sleeping, loving one another every day of every night, and then it was gone.. for a week.. then we got back just to be gone again like a month or so later.. but that lasted a day. 

since the new year her life has become so erupted, everything for her is so unstable.. and I never know what's going on for her.. my friends tell me get involved, or voice my needs of being a part of her life. and believe me I have. but I told her straight up when I do... she always pushes away
I am forever insecure about us because of her inability to be there.. in crisis she will be there, but in times of just needed that connection.. that connection that is more than sex, more then simple things. I say I want date nights, movie night, walks in the night, anything, family nights, all this over above.. we talk about all these things were going to do. but when it comes to planning it.. or her showing up I am left in the cold. 

we had an argument the other day basically around feeling what I am always feeling.. and needing that reassurance that I need because were so rocky.. its like... i seen her once in 2 weeks, from before of asking her to come visit, or talk to me or something. she says Im the boss but reality is this.. she isn't letting me in her life. and she is keeping at arms length after telling me she is trying. 
the disappointment of what I feel about this relationship is beginning to outweigh everything.

I want confidence. I want to feel secure. I want our lives to matter to one another. I want to be cheesy corny with lunch dates, or any damn dates, where i am actually able to see her, or be with her, and not just through bs text message. haven't I suffered enough.. she says she loves me. she says she wants to stay with me. but her action as such are not the same. 
it makes me think its the lovebombing stuff, she only gives me the inches of hope and then quickly takes it away. 
example is she said she missed sleeping with me. and then half way through the time she ended up bailing on me. and not being here with me. and I realize more.. that maybe.. maybe this is all in my head. maybe she is with someone else, maybe shes out doing stuff with someone else, I dont know.

allegedly she says she will forever love me. but that love may not be enough. because I am starting to feel my heart shatter. I am starting to feel like the future of ours is crumbling, and that there is not enough glue or tape to keep that future coming to light. I am trying. I am trying. I am voicing my shit, I am voicing my needs, I am trying to get closer, and the more distant I feel. and then when I become distant then she comes.. but the push and pull of us shouldn't be happening. and I am worried because I realize she probably not even telling me the truth she's lying to me about stuff whether that be truth or not. I don't freaking know.. I don't want to find out 

but that's also my insanity talking. thats me being insane.. and maybe all is well and we are completely in love etx. I don't know what love is meant to feel like, I don't know how it's supposed to move me, I jsut know that I am completely crazy for her, and I love her more than anything, and if I lose her.. which I likely won't because I realize the benefits she gets of keeping me around.. but I am feeling like I am suffering in the loss, that those three words are only fake words. I don't really know.. I am struggling adn I don't know what to think anymore 

Lost moments

 I felt a lot better about nothing.. it seems like everything is setting me off and Im in a weird funk. I felt crazy earlier, so hyped up on everything, and so eager. and I was messaging my partner with very little responses. and when she was off work.. IDK what i thought. I thought maybe we'd actually connect have a conversation but instead that didnt happen.. so i thought about what she had said about communication and love and appreciating any relationship.. so I tried that.. and it didn't go very well either.. 

it's weird.. because IDK.. I thought we were past all this, I thought we were on the road to forever.. however it doesn't seem like the case and that terrifies me. because I don't know how to live in the world where her and I don't love one another. I mean we sat there talking about forever, no real date, no real agenda, but the concept is we want till death. 
but... 
the last few days.. the silence. the silence kills... the concerns, fears, everything comes up. maybe only for me.. maybe she's completely secure in our relationship and everyhting is all in my head.. but if we talk about the seed of love.. it has to be watered, we have to nurture it.. days in silence, days without seeing one another, or talking.. then it dies... 

and the more she is distant. the more she is "love bombing" to keep me here.. the more I am realizing that maybe I'm completely stupid. Is she really someone who wants me around.. does she even love me. why is she able to do so well other places but not with me. Why can she talk to her coworkers more than me? 
I don't get what the fuck to be thinking.. Im thinking Im not going to be in this forever.

and we are forever branding our bodies.. well she already has. but I am supposed too.. expected to in the next few days.. but Im feeling completely lost.. I don't know what to do.
people say communicate with her. tell her what you need..but I have... I have been as clear as day, I've expressed my concerns and its always short answers, less interest...unless she's love bombing. 

Im an insecure person. I have always been the person hurt in relationships.. and yet with her.. the power we have over one another is intense. and I try not to say anything to set her off. because I did that once or a few times, but it went really bad.. and I don't wanna worry about that.. 
So I have no idea, 

when is the right time to express concerns? when is the right time to say that I feel neglected. under appreciated? i feel lost without my other half, and I didn't appreciate some of her responses because she has me doubting what she actually wants in this relationship. what if she just wants me to be a booty call lol. or just a FWB? I don't fuckin know. alls I know is that I feel hurt.. because not that long ago.. was all about marriage. forever. rings. when. how. etx. 
and now its barely a word worth mentioning because theres less of us and IDK>>

I want to cry.. I want to feel.. I want to feel anything but crappy as I do. and instead I can't.. I am feeling so shut down. it is hard to feel anything.. 

especially my coping mechanisms. I need to do something.. I need distraction. I need to go away. I need to do or something something something.. cause I don't fcukin get what is happening.. how does she think its ok. how is this a relationship. explain it to me. 

I feel so stupid. so hurt. so jaded. I just want to shut down the whole world and people. its not been a fun week and its; been super painful and let me guess.... all down hill from here... right?

Why do I get like this? how does she not notice these moments? these outbursts? she doesn't even try to reassure me, she doesn't even try to make me feel better about anything she only utters whatever bs she can and that is all. adn it isnt enough for me.. I don't get why.. why I ask for more i get less.. and when I get less I still get even less.. one text a day. maybe. 
one bs ILY a day. 
how can you love someone and not include them in your life.. not connect. not try or bother to know where I am at and how i feel. 

WHat is going on... please don't tell me because Im scared of what this all means. or if its all in my head. then why is it in my head? because it always happens, and then things may be turned around but it doesn't give me more... it just IIDK>>>. idk.. Im hurt. Im sad. and I don't know what to do. what to feel if I feel anything at all