ruined it

 Due to poor communication.. miss communication.. absolutely everything has been disrupted. and I feel like complete garbage. I don't know what the heck is going on anymore. I don't know what to think right now.  My world feels upside down.. and I feel compeltely lost.. completely disorientated and shattered 

I went through some moments that I can hardly get through.. and then it just was and has been like a roller coaster. 

I dont know if I messed up this stuff or if they messed up this stuff. it hurts... it freakin hurts.. we went into all this BS and all this stuff, and all this insanity that I am feeling so lost and hurt

I don't know if she's ok. actually I know she is NOT ok and I can't go out and find her, I can't chase her. I asked her to show up for me. I want her to come here and be with me. not to bail on me. 

I feel like just days ago we were HIGHER than high could ever be, living on cloud nine, and then within days it fell apart or feels like it did and we're both hurt, both suffering, and she wont talk to me, instead she will shut me out adn make me worry. 

I need to get through this, but I hate that we are here... we literally don't need this . 

I don't know... I dont know what to do... I don't know what to think. I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind with insane thinking,and I don't know.. I need to see her, I need her to show up. I need her to come here, or at least call me, or ask me to show up for her. 

we can work thro this. we both want to. we both want the world. we want the forever and yet... instead of talking to me, she shut me out. and said she has to deal with her thoughts, but she won't talk to me. and instead make poor choices? o r think abou tmaking poor choices that will only hurt her. 

what do I need to do.... she said I go above n beyond, so why... why make me feel like this? i dont know what to do.. I don't know how to prove to her. I don't know what to think. 
I don't get what her fears are and why she can't tell me.. 

What do I do.. Do i take the leap and run over there, knowing she is likely not there. or do I wait. and hope and put it in the universe for her lazy butt to show up...
Im too old to be chasing.. lol 

I just want her to try 

I want to try and make her feel better but idk what to do.. I dont want this to be it. I dont want this to be the end. I want her to say SOMETHING anythign! ugh... Im so worried and scared... I need I need to be ok

you have ruined me

 You ever hear that phase "you have ruined me" for all other women, does that make sense? 

Till Death

 So all this talk about wedding, marriage, engagement, etx. so much insanity! what kind of person am I? I don't know.. it's all I am thinking about, its like my mind is focused on this idea but it shouldn't be. because that's insane thinking. 

So we have this tattoo planned for next month basically just some fun tattoos, as we have one already this one is perfectly matched.. but we're also deciding on rings. because for some insane idea we decided to do something like talk about getting married etx. 
I know that's insane. I don't know why we are in this head space.. For me I feel like it's a way to public state my intention to be faithful, and in love with her, for all of my days. 

it got me thinking because truth be told.. we don't always have the best of days, and last night was test of that.. I literally BROKE down crying most of the night, and almost today.. I literally don't know what came over me, my explanation was that I had been triggered or something. I don't freakin know. alls I know is it was like my "self sabotage" bs about being so happy, content, and then it all came crashing down. 

I have been lost in this idea, these ideas.. that the world may be better off if I didn't exist... I get terrified of what people think of me, the real truth of me. and who I am now. and like the job Im taking on, and responsibility of that. IDK> 

Its scary adn I can't imagine the future. 

you know.. what keeps running through my mind as my counselor saying where do you see yourself in 10 yrs. and I couldn't answer that.. because I don't know. does anyone really know? maybe? 
all's I thought how old will my kid be, where will I be.. can I even survive that long? 

I literally told my partner last night about incident that happened couple weeks ago where I went to dark place, and completely utterly got lost.. and I almost didn't wanna come out of that you know.. IDK> 
an her reaction wasn't good. because basically said dont die on me, as she is fighting with every ounce of herself to live for me. 
I don't mean to be me.. but I don't know where or who we'd be if we never met one another. I feel like she'd be better off maybe? 
someone also mentioned maybe it would be better just to be friends or some BS. and I was like no. there's no way I want to be just friends with her, I want the entire world for her, and I can't imagine losing her.

but the intensity of that.. it hurts. 

Its not that I have doubts about our relationship.. its that I have doubts in myself. beacuse I feel in a dark place, and I can't reach her from here, and here we were today talking about our tattoos and stuff and we both got lit up at the idea of that.
but I don't know

I feel sad.. I feel like garbage. and I just want to walk away. I believe she deserves better. there are better things in the world, brighter things in the world, there are better ways of love that she may want that is not me.. I know that I am terrfied at the idea of having to meet her family, and getting there "approval" to be allowed to love their sister, daughter, forever. 
I've done a lot  in teh last year to prove my love, loyalty etx. but the thing is.. IDK... Ive also hurt her, I've also had some bad moments, moments of loss, loss of my own soul. and IDK. 

right now... I just want to shut down.. Some friends recommended some stuff. but IDK. I don't know anymore. 

Heartbreak past

 Im struggling common time I guess.. I have alot on my mind..and because I've been crying Im now feeling jaded and hurt and lost. IDK what to think anymore.. I don't even know where to begin.. I was super happy today. Honestly...
I read a stupid thing that talks about sleeping next to person you love, and how it improves your life. I must say the warmth of seeing my partner. it was beautiful, felt like home. 
we spent some of the day talking about the future. where we going to go, what we going to do, what our future looks like..my old notion of old traditions that no longer exist I guess. lol

It was good, it was fun, we laughed, we joked, we had a good morning.. adn then just like that it all came crashing down.. 
as I have been on the fence about job opportnity.. I was offered a job and then it was almost or is likely going to be taken away.. and it hurts..
the past of 3 yrs ago of a life I lived and stuff that I said and did.. the effects I had around people etx. I dont know what Im supposed to realize from that time, but I know Im defensive.. Im against the ideas the job has about me. this idea that I am not worthy of the job or whatever, even tho I spent a majority of my life in that job, adn not having people vouch for me sucks.. it makes me feel like garbage. 

Im hurt.. Im hurt beyond all things. and I don't know what to think anymore.. I went straight to what was familiar to me.. I went to my old habits because Im hurt. 
and now I have to explain this BS to people who weren't there etx. 
I have to hold my restraint about knowing full well that I can do this job, but knowing the shadow of that past is holding me back from moving forward
and it's like I wnat to do it..because I want to prove these assholes wrong..but... If I do.. then Im going all in. IDK. 

I just hurt... 

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like knowing that this job I've dedicated almost ten years of my life.. and to know I have the least amount of respect. nothing worthy of anything. I am hurt.. 
You know five years ago. I had the respect. the ability to do the job. teh ability to say this that or other thing, and I mattered. and i was happy.. but I gave it all up.. I gave up that job and moved into caring for my kid. 

I have no regrets in caring for him. I have no regrets in how our lives have turned out. but to know that I have lost this respect based on some bs rumors of people who don't matter. that is garbage and painful. I dont know how to be calm in situations where I see I am being jabbed at for being someone I am not. when my record of employment should speak for me in the fact that I rose from the bottom, that I get asked to help out, to support, to teach, etx. 

UGH!

Other than that.. I got to talk to my partner. we were able to talk about our lives, our future.. but... I don't know.. Im in the air. because I don't know nothing except pain I am currently feeling. 
I want to be happy. I want to be with them, but I am hurt right now. and I am shutting down because I realize there is nothing.. may not be anything good about me.. How hard it is to live everydya

I just I can't figure out how to get thro this. what is the right decision. why did I open this door thinking I was capable of this when I am not. 

Im so sad. I am feeling so broken. and I don't know what i need to feel better. 

im jaded 

the insanity of what future

 I am in a weird head space because Im thinking about the future.. does anyone ever look at the prices of engagement rings? or think of the future? what does it look like? as much as we say we want it. do we really know what it's like committing to one person forever> 
I have only thought about it 2x in my entire life.. but I didn't think all the stuff people think.. especially the price of engagement rings, the prices of wedding bands, and the certificate, and what follows in uniting two lives to one, or two lives to two paths leading the same direction. IDK.

Today my partner had mentioned it... the fact is I had mentioned it. because we both are thinking it. we both talk about "forever" we want this to be the forever, we want this to be our love. and yet we don't know when, how, or what for. like who do I get approval from.
and how come there is no one to watch out for me lol 
or our future where do we live, when do we start living, when do get it all together. you know. I don't know. I know that I love this person beyond all things, but we have rarely had enough time to combine our lives, or to talk. and when were together I don't always have the words but now that she has gone, my mind is racing.. why does this happen... 

or even notes I've made about shit to talk about and then we never talk about it, becase I forget I've written it done/. or what does she knwo? what have I told her> cause I have talked to so many poeple I don't know who knows what. . I want her to know all but I don't wnat to repeat everything over and over.. 

as well as I don't know.. 

so the thing for yesterday was interesting.. Friday night I went into whatever psycho cleaning I do. like deep spotless clean every corner of the areas, and I didn't message my partner, or text or call or anything.. and then I fell asleep because of all the work it cost to clean, it's not easy task.. and she had messaged me in middle of the night but I was asleep. I woke up to her calling me a few times,and messaging me, and then when I finally responded she had said she had the worst feeling about me. she thought somehting terrible had happened to me.. it didn't cross her mind that I was asleep. lol 

she blamed it on meds or her moment of insanity>

and my thoughts were Im grateful she cared enough to worry about me at all. because I didn't know or feel that she cared muhc, so honestly having that reaction just in essence of knowing i matter to her, that if she had a feeling or thought there could have been a chance of something terrible but that I'd be missed if I was gone. 
and thats what I like... because it makes me feel like I matter, that I am connected to someone

anyway.. 

I don't really get alot of chance to plan things because Im financially not able to. and I honestly don't know what to think about what she wants to do when she's around me.. 

so we just hung out.. I introduced her to some old school scary movies, and we watched some boring shows, chilled out.. and I realized none of my questions were asked. and I was like what am I doing you know. how did I do this>
isn't it weird..

what is it that makes me no remember the important things we needed to talk about.. 

I want our great future.. I want the entire world to know I love her, but I also want a future that is secure for the both of us.. I want our happiness and life fulfillment etx.. but I don't know where to begin, what to think, what to do.. her hinting about marriage... I am all lost in thought.. what does that look like.. how soon is too soon, or when is too soon, and when is too late. you know? does that make sense cause reality is that we say too soon for lots of things we've already done. you know... so when in reality should we think or do.. and who does what. and what does what. maybe I can wait for my claim with thing before i decide my next steps that will put money in my pocket. 

I know I want lots of things to talk about but I don't know how to bring it up with her. because we are usually distracted by other things, last night was what felt like the first time we weren't distracted by things would have been good to catch up but for IDK what reason it didn't happen... 
anyway...

Im rambling as always.. I have so many questions and I don't know how to get the answers, and Im also just IDK... losing my mind just a little bit... 

moments of insanity

I don't know I asked people if it's possible to drive yourself crazy without being medically crazy. The answer is Yes 

For a bit now.. I guess I've been overwhelmed or stressed about different things happening in my life and I'm realizing now that it may be effecting me. 

I'm in a relationship.. one that I'm mostly happy in but also feeling whatever. It hasn't been the easiest of times because there's so much going on and so much I have to learn. Or unlearn about things I've done or said before

It's hard sometimes...it's painful sometimes. But when it's good it's amazing. She doesn't bring me down or what not. But the stuff in her own life is a lot an I get scared a lot that my stuff may be too much.

It's funny because it seems to be her mindset as well. We recently talked about opening up communications but then stuff happened. 

It's not sabotage what we have going on it's just what's going on for her is a lot. An at the same time I don't know what that even means 

I daydream I have hope. I have a belief that is is a love like no other. An that our love will conquer all. An we will stay alive to live in this happiness an love.

Maybe it's an insane notion. But realistically...you don't just walk away when someone needs the love an support. 

Her ways of getting that are different from my own. 

The stress of it I guess may be a lot sometimes. But I also have a job an a kid an a brother lol. 

Financial strain in my life .. responsibilities to keep my kid fed an dressed. As easy of a task as that may seem. It doesn't come cheap. .

There's so much on my mind...

There is darkness lingering in my mind.  I feel it .. nudging to be free

I dont know how to explain that...but I need some more better days.  Because if this darkness wins I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm fighting with everything I go to find support. Find help. 

Life is difficult for everyone...but when things get this tough what does one do. How does one cope with these things I'm not sure.. 

My way is not good. An its causing me more pain than relieving the pain I'm already feeling. 

Idk what to do. An the other day I was off the deep end. And it's like coming down from that but realizing I still have all the same problems as then. Nothing really has changed.

My mindset needs to change. But I'm also realizing I'm not really anyone... I'm only someone to my kid. Maybe my one friend and partner. 

You know... some people are raised to just live in the world following in their parents foot steps. Some people are raised to surpass their parents short coming. Some people are raised to create their new path that is better 

Break down walls an bridges.

And I feel like I may be one of these.. but I'm also feeling the weight of failure... I no longer have a family. One thing I was raised to value above all things.

Not friendships...all my life friends have come an gone.   But my family was always there. An now. I don't have that. I create my own family but my person isn't around to fulfill that need. So what do I do.

Physically wounded. Emotionally brutalized beating. I need some clarity. Before my darkness. My beast or burden surfaces. I couldn't even begin to tell you what will happen if that comes to life. 

the future

 As it's still on my mind about the future... thinking about where I'd see myself in the ten years, or even five years. for so long I've lived day to day, sometimes thoughts of not thoughts your allowed to discuss, but I had those thoughts because in some way.. I honestly have this messed up brain that people might be better off without me, even my own kid.. but that's my down days.. 

when I have moments like now.. where I'm thinking of the past. thinking of the present. and hopeful of the future.. i absoluetly want the future now, but so much has to come together, and although there are people who believe I dont have doubts.. I do.. I'm human.. and being put in a position that has been extremely difficult for me. 

I struggle with so much of my own insecurtities, that I finally reached out for the need of reassurance that I likely needed.. and I honestly feel like some what got it, but also not really.. and therefore... where am i.. 

I just want the things in my life to go well. I want to be able to do everyhting my heart desires, and be able to give my partner all the desires of her heart, and healing strength that no oother 
I wish I could take on her stuff.. but I can't.. but being put on the outside.. of this whole situation makes things makes me feel scared.. 
there are so many others that are likely better.. more experience, more knowledge, etc.. than me.. but there is no love like mine, at least I hope not. becase I want this to last.. I want the future for us to be amazing. 

I want more good days, than off days, I want to be able to drive in the car and just give her a moment of happiness, be able to sit under the stars in the outdoors, or catch another movie, or go for dinner, or do whatveer I can just to lift her spirits..but... a lot of the time.. its like when she comes... she just wants down time, because her body is so exhasuted, when I make a plan it usaully works out.. but I have to plan this crap... it's not that easy.

My body is pretty messed up as is.. Just cleaning my house I can feel it in my body the pain of just simple things like sweeping and mopping the floor.. 
it's not fun.. 

I don't know.. my friend and I chatted today.. and I told her... that this is the hardest times.. is being present and not present, being positive, even though I feel defeated.. not by my partner but by the illness or whatever it is. ,because she's not giving up on me, but she also isn't letting me be there completely and in that way I believe that the illness wins, because if I was there, we could work on the conquer of that together, but when she keeps me separate then she loses hope, or faith, or happiness, and then things begin to go downhill. I wish she could see that, but I don't know how to make it ok.. I dont know how to support her, and be there for her.. I really wish I could... 
I don't need to do anything except to be present.. and let her love lavish me, and her swim in my love. because I have oceans of love for her, and just want to lavish it, and smiles, and happiness.. 

I miss her so much.. I'm trying to not worry.. because she said it's nothing to do with her and I.. its the illness, and I just don't know how to support that... I don't know how to talk to her about that when she won't talk to me.. and I don't know how to bring it up? how to push forward in all that.. 
i just want better days.. I want her to be ok.. and i want to be on the journey with her.