I can't describe how stupid it is that I have to be outside of this looking in, and seeing my sister make a big mistake, believing this piece of shit could change, or that he cares for his kid or my sister. the sacrifices she makes for him, and I'm tired of it..
I may lose my chances of seeing Elijah but at least I won't beat the shit out of his dad. so I guess it's a bonus, I can't sit by and watch my family welcome him in the house, or let him treat my sister the way he does, and I can't stand by and let that all happen. so I have to do whats right for me.
I already told my sister this last payday it would be the only time I help her with Elijah, I bought him formula, diapers, a swing, we picked up a crib, changing table, I bought him new outfits etx. I did all I can, and the father did nothing.
so I'm walking away and letting them figure shit out and hope that I'm wrong about this piece of shit father.
I hate the world today and I hate how things are.. I wish it was easier, I wish I could have hope for someone like him, but I've known so many people like him, there's nothing to like.
I am going to have to step away from my family, step away from Elijah.. and just take care of myself, and in that it will be very alone and very sad.. but I don't have a choice..
lately I've been having flashbacks of my past and the person I used to be.. and I must say that I'm disgusted at the person I used to be, and it only took one person to actually believe in me, actually an entire group of strong women that believed in me, and never gave up on me.. but for this deadbeat dad, that likely doesn't exist, because he's not ready for that change.. he knows how to talk all the talk but he doesn't know how to be there for his kid or the mom..
He F's off every chance he gets, and does fuck all to help the family, and my family still accepts him and lets him sit in their house..
I won't even let him sit in my car. piece of shit.
I'm so angry..disappointed...hurt? I know that I'm being proud and/or stubborn more so being judgemental against this one person..but if you knew what he has said and done to my sister, you'd understand why I despise him.
My sister and Elijah deserves someone better than that... someone who actually loves them, and will take care of them, rather then being distant and demanding my sister to do everything.. she's exhausted enough with having the baby, and recovering from that, this guy just doesn't care.. if he care he'd do more for her, more for his son.. what's important to him is his addiction, and making my sister help curve his cravings with other things
I am disappointed in my family because they just let him sit there.. if it were me I'd make him feel like garbage, so uncomfortable his only safe place is in my sisters' room because he's not welcome.
the downfall to this is that I lose Elijah... it's already been two days since I seen him, and it's a lot of deadbeat dad that's stopping me from seeing him.. it hurts.. i love that kid so much, but he's not my kid, and he's ok with his mom and my family... at no real time does he actually need me at all... I just think that he does, because I've missed 5 days since he was born, but well 7 days now..
I don't know what to focus on if it's not seeing him.. and that is also hard.. because my life has been consumed by Elijah, he's become my whole world that now losing him... I don't know how I'll survive.
I'm sure I'm being dramatic... lets put it in this pathetic sense... everyone who's anyone has seen "twilight" more so the last one before Bella becomes a vampire... she gives birth to a baby, and Jacob... imprints on that baby... and it was in that moment he knew his whole life was meant for this one kid.. to protect her, guide her etx...blah blah cheesy blah blah
My whole purpose is to protect and love Elijah, and to take him away from me... hurts like hell and it's like my heart is now broken... and he's the only one that can make that better...until then...
Monday, September 4, 2017
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
deadbeat dad
I realize more and more why I refuse to have children... there's so much uncertainty in this world, if couples will stay together for benefit of a kid, or even make a plan to go to counselling, have date night, what ever it takes to stay together...
I have watched for the past 2 to 3 weeks my sister pine over a deadbeat dad, who bailed on his son... he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't care about his family. he basically uses my sister for all this stuff and when she has nothing he F's off and goes sleeping with other women, and doing drugs and drinking. he is incapable of being a father, and is no good to Elijah.
I hate the world that accepts this disappointment.. I feel more hurt that I believed him... in the hospital and the first 2 weeks, he spouted all this b.s that he's going to be a great dad, and great parent, great boyfriend, and how he's going to wear matching clothes, how he's going to teach his son all this b.s and yet after two weeks he gave up.
he called my sister with b.s like he is scared, he doesn't want to do it, and he is going to sign over full custody to my sister, and then turns back on it. he threatens to get my sister in trouble and get Elijah taken away from him. and then if not that then he gets in his b.s addiction and depression stating he's going to harm himself, because his heart is going to give out.
I seriously despise him.. I have missed 5 days out of Elijah life... 5 F'in days out of his life! I am willing and able to take on Elijah full time! I offered and everything.. I am preparing my home for Elijah to be with me at the drop of a hat, because their relationship is so unstable... anything could happen, and if Elijah safety becomes an issue than they will call me.
I don't want Elijah forever, my sister is a great mom.. she loves him so much, and she's changed so much.. she fights for her son! she doesn't drink, she doesn't f' off every 5 minutes to make poor choices. she chooses everyday to be there for her son.. and for that I applaud her, and I'm so proud of her.
the only downfall for my sister is the idiot boyfrend, not even boyfriend he's the deadbeat dad who when he feels like giving my sister attention he comes around.. and then pays my other sister to watch Elijah rather then getting up and taking care of his own kid, he even refuses to hold his own kid seriously what the F!
I have barely let Elijah go, tomorrow I am buying him a swing, diapers, milk and more warm onesies, and what has his father done? his father has lied and lied and lied... his father has decided junk food, drugs and alcohol are more important than his own kid.. which sadly is the reality of the world where I am from.. but when I spoke with deadbeat he told me he'd be great, he spouted all this b.s that I believed.. so unless I can punch him in the face and kick him in the junk, and tell him to go to detox where he'd actually listen to me.. that is the only time I'll actually listen to him, and give him a grain of salt of respect for anything.
basically when he stops being so F selfish... when he decides to make the choice my sister made when her son was born, and when that day comes! Maybe I'll have respect for him.. MAYBE.
I don't like be disappointed and so far he's done nothing that has caught my attention, and he has done nothing that is worth my time.
It's insane... Elijah was born one month ago... greatest kid ever... I love that they came to visit me at work.. even though not only did elijah spit up on me, he also peed so much that went through his diaper and onto my shirt.. haha
Id take that any day of the week, rather than feel any bad feelings toward him. and I hope when he grows up, that he remembers me... and knows how much I love him,and how much I'm looking out for him..
I'm sure I'll be his crazy aunt! but I'll be able to love him unconditionally and without question..
but it had me thinking for sure..
I thought how great it would be to go through that terrible process to have the greatest gift ever! to have a kid... and as much as I want that! as much as I'd love to have a baby to love, and to grow them up in a beautiful way, and let them be who they are, and teach them our language, traditions, and culture etc. or even how to do soccer and whatever the kid wants to learn.. and travel with them at a young age, or whatever the case may be.
I always thought I wouldn't want kids...but my baby craze has me clipped on this idea that I want a kid... I want to share the love I have and to teach beautiful things, and to feel that connections only mothers have with their children.. but..
but.... the world we live in is cold.. the world we live in is dark... and yes light can shine in darkness, but it won't always work, sometimes darkness snuffs out the light... sometimes things are so dark and turmoil that it's just unbearable..
I couldn't raise a kid in a world like this... I am still discriminated against, I still am the minority, and I still am living in a world where people are talking about nuclear missiles, and war, and whatever else.. let alone not to forget... that there are thousands of abandoned children in Social Service system, there are children starving in 3rd world countries that could probably love some help.
My only option if I'm ever in any position would be to become a foster parent.... as much as I want to share my life with a baby, I think that becoming a foster parent is the next best thing, to be able to love young people, teenagers, or whatever the case may be.. to make a change in people's lives, to even just tell someone that I believe in them..
this would be just about as fulfilling as having a baby.. and that's why I won't have a baby.. there are so many First Nations children that are in the system who need nice homes that aren't racist, and aren't calling our parents dirty indians etc. Idk that's juts my experience from when I was in foster care, I only had 2 families that actually loved me, everyone else treated me badly..
I am just confused...and hurt right now.
I have watched for the past 2 to 3 weeks my sister pine over a deadbeat dad, who bailed on his son... he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't care about his family. he basically uses my sister for all this stuff and when she has nothing he F's off and goes sleeping with other women, and doing drugs and drinking. he is incapable of being a father, and is no good to Elijah.
I hate the world that accepts this disappointment.. I feel more hurt that I believed him... in the hospital and the first 2 weeks, he spouted all this b.s that he's going to be a great dad, and great parent, great boyfriend, and how he's going to wear matching clothes, how he's going to teach his son all this b.s and yet after two weeks he gave up.
he called my sister with b.s like he is scared, he doesn't want to do it, and he is going to sign over full custody to my sister, and then turns back on it. he threatens to get my sister in trouble and get Elijah taken away from him. and then if not that then he gets in his b.s addiction and depression stating he's going to harm himself, because his heart is going to give out.
I seriously despise him.. I have missed 5 days out of Elijah life... 5 F'in days out of his life! I am willing and able to take on Elijah full time! I offered and everything.. I am preparing my home for Elijah to be with me at the drop of a hat, because their relationship is so unstable... anything could happen, and if Elijah safety becomes an issue than they will call me.
I don't want Elijah forever, my sister is a great mom.. she loves him so much, and she's changed so much.. she fights for her son! she doesn't drink, she doesn't f' off every 5 minutes to make poor choices. she chooses everyday to be there for her son.. and for that I applaud her, and I'm so proud of her.
the only downfall for my sister is the idiot boyfrend, not even boyfriend he's the deadbeat dad who when he feels like giving my sister attention he comes around.. and then pays my other sister to watch Elijah rather then getting up and taking care of his own kid, he even refuses to hold his own kid seriously what the F!
I have barely let Elijah go, tomorrow I am buying him a swing, diapers, milk and more warm onesies, and what has his father done? his father has lied and lied and lied... his father has decided junk food, drugs and alcohol are more important than his own kid.. which sadly is the reality of the world where I am from.. but when I spoke with deadbeat he told me he'd be great, he spouted all this b.s that I believed.. so unless I can punch him in the face and kick him in the junk, and tell him to go to detox where he'd actually listen to me.. that is the only time I'll actually listen to him, and give him a grain of salt of respect for anything.
basically when he stops being so F selfish... when he decides to make the choice my sister made when her son was born, and when that day comes! Maybe I'll have respect for him.. MAYBE.
I don't like be disappointed and so far he's done nothing that has caught my attention, and he has done nothing that is worth my time.
It's insane... Elijah was born one month ago... greatest kid ever... I love that they came to visit me at work.. even though not only did elijah spit up on me, he also peed so much that went through his diaper and onto my shirt.. haha
Id take that any day of the week, rather than feel any bad feelings toward him. and I hope when he grows up, that he remembers me... and knows how much I love him,and how much I'm looking out for him..
I'm sure I'll be his crazy aunt! but I'll be able to love him unconditionally and without question..
but it had me thinking for sure..
I thought how great it would be to go through that terrible process to have the greatest gift ever! to have a kid... and as much as I want that! as much as I'd love to have a baby to love, and to grow them up in a beautiful way, and let them be who they are, and teach them our language, traditions, and culture etc. or even how to do soccer and whatever the kid wants to learn.. and travel with them at a young age, or whatever the case may be.
I always thought I wouldn't want kids...but my baby craze has me clipped on this idea that I want a kid... I want to share the love I have and to teach beautiful things, and to feel that connections only mothers have with their children.. but..
but.... the world we live in is cold.. the world we live in is dark... and yes light can shine in darkness, but it won't always work, sometimes darkness snuffs out the light... sometimes things are so dark and turmoil that it's just unbearable..
I couldn't raise a kid in a world like this... I am still discriminated against, I still am the minority, and I still am living in a world where people are talking about nuclear missiles, and war, and whatever else.. let alone not to forget... that there are thousands of abandoned children in Social Service system, there are children starving in 3rd world countries that could probably love some help.
My only option if I'm ever in any position would be to become a foster parent.... as much as I want to share my life with a baby, I think that becoming a foster parent is the next best thing, to be able to love young people, teenagers, or whatever the case may be.. to make a change in people's lives, to even just tell someone that I believe in them..
this would be just about as fulfilling as having a baby.. and that's why I won't have a baby.. there are so many First Nations children that are in the system who need nice homes that aren't racist, and aren't calling our parents dirty indians etc. Idk that's juts my experience from when I was in foster care, I only had 2 families that actually loved me, everyone else treated me badly..
I am just confused...and hurt right now.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
#FOE
I've been pretty quiet lately only because I'm absolutely going crazy and losing my mind with the chaos of life.. and mainly.. that I've worn myself thin with trying to help my family specifically my sister who just had a baby... I've been going there for about 20 days straight, everyday after work I'm there, when my nephew opens his eyes he sees me. and I tried.. to tell my sister all these ideas, and all these back up plans that if she needed help with this or that.. I tried to be that for her.. believe me I love my nephew.. I love him beyond all things.. there is no greater love than what I have for my nephew. I even looked it up in my native language about how to call my nephew by our language. I decided I could call him nephew in First Nation language "StÃ:wel" which means nephew. I figured I'd let him grow up hearing me call him that..
I have pictures of everyday of being with him, I even have taken pictures of his hands and his feet and his head. lol I'm the one that he sleeps on my chest, head close to my lower chin, and he curls up and just stays there as it's his most comfortable place. I bought all these things for him so that of all things, he'd not go without.
I know it's extreme I'm sure it is.. but I didn't realize how much I love kids, or this kid.. there's something beautiful about this kid coming into the world.. but I'll still refuse to have my own kids, after everything I've seen in this world.. there's no way I can do it
so on top of this.. my sister boyfriend. baby daddy, piece of garbage... at the hospital.. he talked.. talked about how much he'd be there, how much he'd give up so much for his son, how they are going to dress the same, how he's going to be this that and the other thing.. and then he fucked off.. he left on Friday saying that he can't do it.. my sister was hurt.. i was angry. and he basically ignored my sister and his son for about 5 days, and now it's social assistance week, and he comes crawling back to my sister because she will have money.. and she's buying him this and that and bulshit after bulshit. she's not smart.. as soon as Friday hits he will be gone, knowing he spent all her money, and did all this shit to her.. and he'll leave, he has already made it clear that he doesn't care about my sister, he's already said that he wants custody of their son. This guy has done nothing but cut my sister down, telling her how incompitent she is, how she isn't a good mom, or how she isn't pretty or some abusive cycle that if I see him.. I'll punch him in the fuckin face.
And my sister... she lets him.. she lets him come back, she lets him walk all over her. treat her like garbage and take take take and then fuck off.. she lets it happen..
and I can't stand by and watch. I decided to put my foot down and say fuck this.. I don't want this guy around my nephew, don't want him near me.. and so of course my sister gets stupid and decides to step away from me..
now I don't even have my sister or my nephew.
The cycle of abuse.. the abuser..the abuse person.. I cannot describe enough how hard it is for me to stand by and watch this shit happen... but I work in places that have these exact things happening.. and so.. I know.. the only way I can deal with this is.. is to step away.. and wait.. and when my sister is ready... she'll hopefully make the right choice for her and her son.
Believe me... I want to be there to support my sister to encourage her all these things.. but right now she's refusing to listen to me, alls she thinks is that he's good for his son.. but that's not true.. he won't even remember this guy cause he's going to fuck off. because that's exactly who he is..
my sister tells me give him a chance.. if he wanted to be taken seriously he'd go to detox, he'd go to treatment he'd get the help he needs to get away from drugs and alcohol. and he'd stop cutting down my sister telling her how ugly she is, or how this that or other thing.. but he doesn't and so therefore I see no change and the cycle continues.. and I'm disappointed
the downfall for this for me.. is that I lose the connection with my nephew. I don't get to see him, don't get to hold him. today I went out and bought him a few items.. that he might like, I got a new baby on board sign for my car.. and now... that's all gone.. it hurts like my heart is being ripped from my chest... I absolutely love this kid and now just like that.. he's gone...
I stand my ground... even though I'm losing those valuable beautiful moments with my nephew.
I don't know how to stand up for my sister. all's I can do is to continue to support her and tell her what she hopefully already knows, that this is wrong and that's it's not normal for a man to say shit like he does, or act the way he does... I mean he goes off and sleeps with other women... seriously what is my sister thinking.. but I think he has her so entangled...
I will wait till it all falls apart again.. and hope to continue to tell her that she deserves better, and so does her son..
I just wish.. it wasn't so hard to show them you know.. show her what I see in her! show her that she deserves better... and even if that better comes along, she'll probably fight it because she'll think she doesn't deserve it or something. IDK>
I pray one thing... that she sees the truth soon! and that she fights for full custody of her son..
until than...my heart is broken knowing I can't see my nephew.
I have pictures of everyday of being with him, I even have taken pictures of his hands and his feet and his head. lol I'm the one that he sleeps on my chest, head close to my lower chin, and he curls up and just stays there as it's his most comfortable place. I bought all these things for him so that of all things, he'd not go without.
I know it's extreme I'm sure it is.. but I didn't realize how much I love kids, or this kid.. there's something beautiful about this kid coming into the world.. but I'll still refuse to have my own kids, after everything I've seen in this world.. there's no way I can do it
so on top of this.. my sister boyfriend. baby daddy, piece of garbage... at the hospital.. he talked.. talked about how much he'd be there, how much he'd give up so much for his son, how they are going to dress the same, how he's going to be this that and the other thing.. and then he fucked off.. he left on Friday saying that he can't do it.. my sister was hurt.. i was angry. and he basically ignored my sister and his son for about 5 days, and now it's social assistance week, and he comes crawling back to my sister because she will have money.. and she's buying him this and that and bulshit after bulshit. she's not smart.. as soon as Friday hits he will be gone, knowing he spent all her money, and did all this shit to her.. and he'll leave, he has already made it clear that he doesn't care about my sister, he's already said that he wants custody of their son. This guy has done nothing but cut my sister down, telling her how incompitent she is, how she isn't a good mom, or how she isn't pretty or some abusive cycle that if I see him.. I'll punch him in the fuckin face.
And my sister... she lets him.. she lets him come back, she lets him walk all over her. treat her like garbage and take take take and then fuck off.. she lets it happen..
and I can't stand by and watch. I decided to put my foot down and say fuck this.. I don't want this guy around my nephew, don't want him near me.. and so of course my sister gets stupid and decides to step away from me..
now I don't even have my sister or my nephew.
The cycle of abuse.. the abuser..the abuse person.. I cannot describe enough how hard it is for me to stand by and watch this shit happen... but I work in places that have these exact things happening.. and so.. I know.. the only way I can deal with this is.. is to step away.. and wait.. and when my sister is ready... she'll hopefully make the right choice for her and her son.
Believe me... I want to be there to support my sister to encourage her all these things.. but right now she's refusing to listen to me, alls she thinks is that he's good for his son.. but that's not true.. he won't even remember this guy cause he's going to fuck off. because that's exactly who he is..
my sister tells me give him a chance.. if he wanted to be taken seriously he'd go to detox, he'd go to treatment he'd get the help he needs to get away from drugs and alcohol. and he'd stop cutting down my sister telling her how ugly she is, or how this that or other thing.. but he doesn't and so therefore I see no change and the cycle continues.. and I'm disappointed
the downfall for this for me.. is that I lose the connection with my nephew. I don't get to see him, don't get to hold him. today I went out and bought him a few items.. that he might like, I got a new baby on board sign for my car.. and now... that's all gone.. it hurts like my heart is being ripped from my chest... I absolutely love this kid and now just like that.. he's gone...
I stand my ground... even though I'm losing those valuable beautiful moments with my nephew.
I don't know how to stand up for my sister. all's I can do is to continue to support her and tell her what she hopefully already knows, that this is wrong and that's it's not normal for a man to say shit like he does, or act the way he does... I mean he goes off and sleeps with other women... seriously what is my sister thinking.. but I think he has her so entangled...
I will wait till it all falls apart again.. and hope to continue to tell her that she deserves better, and so does her son..
I just wish.. it wasn't so hard to show them you know.. show her what I see in her! show her that she deserves better... and even if that better comes along, she'll probably fight it because she'll think she doesn't deserve it or something. IDK>
I pray one thing... that she sees the truth soon! and that she fights for full custody of her son..
until than...my heart is broken knowing I can't see my nephew.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
having a crisis
I feel like a loser...
First off, yesterday July 31, 2017 at 10:10AM, my sister delivered her son Elijah into this world, and for that I'm so proud of her... she also let me be in the delivery room with her.. absolutely amazing but not a lot of pictures I can share with the world lol.
Anyway.. Im a loser because I have a huge debt... and instead of asking for help or getting help.. I did nothing... and now... as a result of my irresponsibility my accounts at the bank have been frozen, the bank wants at least 500 dollars of payment for an account I no longer have access too.
Believe me... its the worst feeling.. I had 95 dollars left.. that was to pay my hydro and the rest was for my food... and having zero dollars, and hearing that no matter what I do my account will remain frozen until the bank get something from me.. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have 500 dollars lying around, and I don't gamble, don't go to bingo, so I can't afford to somehow magically come up with money to pay off the debt that's over 10, 000 dollars..
On top of this... my vehicle.. I took it in to get the brakes done, and the oil checked.. and instead of a simple what 200 dollars, the place tells me that theres severe issue with this and that and it will cost over a thousand dollars.. at no time in the all the idiotic times that I've been to repair shop has anyone mentioned or told me this, and instead let it wear out, so currently only one side of my car is fixed, and that in itself too all my money from my payday.
so no money.. no food. no gas, no coffee... not even a piece of bread.. I'm dying.. and I'm and idiot.. I had planned along time ago to go away for the long weekend, but I'm afraid now..because I'm going without any money, and I basically paid for the nonrefundable hotel so I can't even get my money back.. to cancel my trip
I honestly feel like killing self.. and I feel like quitting my job, and stop collecting so much money and blowing it on things, it's time to be poor and have nothing.. but it also would mean that Im choosing to become homeless..
I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make it to my next payday, I don't even know how i'm going to get the money from my work for any payment of anything.. I'm completely screwed..
I just don't know what to do.. besides have thoughts and desires about wanting to give up.. because I now see NO way out of this..
First off, yesterday July 31, 2017 at 10:10AM, my sister delivered her son Elijah into this world, and for that I'm so proud of her... she also let me be in the delivery room with her.. absolutely amazing but not a lot of pictures I can share with the world lol.
Anyway.. Im a loser because I have a huge debt... and instead of asking for help or getting help.. I did nothing... and now... as a result of my irresponsibility my accounts at the bank have been frozen, the bank wants at least 500 dollars of payment for an account I no longer have access too.
Believe me... its the worst feeling.. I had 95 dollars left.. that was to pay my hydro and the rest was for my food... and having zero dollars, and hearing that no matter what I do my account will remain frozen until the bank get something from me.. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have 500 dollars lying around, and I don't gamble, don't go to bingo, so I can't afford to somehow magically come up with money to pay off the debt that's over 10, 000 dollars..
On top of this... my vehicle.. I took it in to get the brakes done, and the oil checked.. and instead of a simple what 200 dollars, the place tells me that theres severe issue with this and that and it will cost over a thousand dollars.. at no time in the all the idiotic times that I've been to repair shop has anyone mentioned or told me this, and instead let it wear out, so currently only one side of my car is fixed, and that in itself too all my money from my payday.
so no money.. no food. no gas, no coffee... not even a piece of bread.. I'm dying.. and I'm and idiot.. I had planned along time ago to go away for the long weekend, but I'm afraid now..because I'm going without any money, and I basically paid for the nonrefundable hotel so I can't even get my money back.. to cancel my trip
I honestly feel like killing self.. and I feel like quitting my job, and stop collecting so much money and blowing it on things, it's time to be poor and have nothing.. but it also would mean that Im choosing to become homeless..
I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make it to my next payday, I don't even know how i'm going to get the money from my work for any payment of anything.. I'm completely screwed..
I just don't know what to do.. besides have thoughts and desires about wanting to give up.. because I now see NO way out of this..
Friday, July 28, 2017
Psychotic
I really hope that I'm only feeling this way because I'm hungry or that I'm triggered by my constant need to come to this part of Vancouver to see my mom.. in 2009 I believe I almost died an to my follows you will remember my life back then an I wrote about it.. however I think I'm having a bad day..
My ride over here I just wish it would end... the constant concern for money, for debts, an my constant b.s of helping others an giving up my stuff for others. I wish that I could give up whatever fuckin hope I think there is. I wish I could just throw my hands up and give up... I'm constantly battling within myself.. An today I lost.. today "The Beast" has won an I just want it all to end...
I think another part to that is that I was talking to my friend an it stirred thoughts of what happened a year ago today.. I was just about off work... I guess I must have been washing my hands an I take my rings off to do that.. An for some reason I dropped the ring... An it shattered.. a stainless steel or whatever ring.. broke in two while Falling on a tile floor. I was sad but figured it would one day be replaced.. But now.. after that.. I went to a stupid dinner where I was planning on setting up my friend with this guy I know.. An it ended up he hit it off with someone else.. An i was furious.. the whole point of that stupid dinner was for these other two to talk an I guess he wasn't interested in her anyway..
I got mad at my friend.. An that was the friend that bought me that ring.. An so now.. fate... accident. Whatever it may have been...that ring is associated with that incident an it hurts me.. for who knows what reason...her an I didn't talk for a month I think..
An yet here i am... still feeling whatever I felt... An on top of that... this is her.. the one her...that I haven't spoken to in 3 months going on four months.. An ill tell you that stings.. I devoted my love an admiration to this one amazing person. And yes she's not that great she's far from perfect. But I accepted her for her who she is, I loved her for what she had been for me.
I wish... I wish I didn't think of this anymore... an on top of that my two best friends.. aren't even talking to me.. so it's like all my bridges an supports are crumbling.. an usually I'd fall back on my family an that isn't even happening... so distant an cold..
I hate my life..
Maybe a lesson in how to be independent on my own.. to not need anyone to be me or complete me. But we are social beings, we are people who need connections, need that everything bulshit.
See these are reasons I should be allowed to give up! I should be allowed to just decide fuck it.. I want to die..
I have nothing at this very moment that is giving me reason to live another day... why cant I be a being that doesn't care.. I deserve to not care.. I still think my answer should be no to helping people.. an here I am hungry an broke.. because what oh cause I helped people.
I even offered to pay people to kill me.. but there's no amount that would make it worth it or real..
Just depressed an beast is winning today
My ride over here I just wish it would end... the constant concern for money, for debts, an my constant b.s of helping others an giving up my stuff for others. I wish that I could give up whatever fuckin hope I think there is. I wish I could just throw my hands up and give up... I'm constantly battling within myself.. An today I lost.. today "The Beast" has won an I just want it all to end...
I think another part to that is that I was talking to my friend an it stirred thoughts of what happened a year ago today.. I was just about off work... I guess I must have been washing my hands an I take my rings off to do that.. An for some reason I dropped the ring... An it shattered.. a stainless steel or whatever ring.. broke in two while Falling on a tile floor. I was sad but figured it would one day be replaced.. But now.. after that.. I went to a stupid dinner where I was planning on setting up my friend with this guy I know.. An it ended up he hit it off with someone else.. An i was furious.. the whole point of that stupid dinner was for these other two to talk an I guess he wasn't interested in her anyway..
I got mad at my friend.. An that was the friend that bought me that ring.. An so now.. fate... accident. Whatever it may have been...that ring is associated with that incident an it hurts me.. for who knows what reason...her an I didn't talk for a month I think..
An yet here i am... still feeling whatever I felt... An on top of that... this is her.. the one her...that I haven't spoken to in 3 months going on four months.. An ill tell you that stings.. I devoted my love an admiration to this one amazing person. And yes she's not that great she's far from perfect. But I accepted her for her who she is, I loved her for what she had been for me.
I wish... I wish I didn't think of this anymore... an on top of that my two best friends.. aren't even talking to me.. so it's like all my bridges an supports are crumbling.. an usually I'd fall back on my family an that isn't even happening... so distant an cold..
I hate my life..
Maybe a lesson in how to be independent on my own.. to not need anyone to be me or complete me. But we are social beings, we are people who need connections, need that everything bulshit.
See these are reasons I should be allowed to give up! I should be allowed to just decide fuck it.. I want to die..
I have nothing at this very moment that is giving me reason to live another day... why cant I be a being that doesn't care.. I deserve to not care.. I still think my answer should be no to helping people.. an here I am hungry an broke.. because what oh cause I helped people.
I even offered to pay people to kill me.. but there's no amount that would make it worth it or real..
Just depressed an beast is winning today
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
look in the mirror
the letter/package has been sent... what an unbelievable weird experience.. Im not even sure what I'm wanting to say in the package...I also can't believe the journal entries I found at random... it's hard to go through the journals an a part of me doesn't want to do it all.. I just want to burn them and forget I ever lived whatever life that once was.. but I'm not exactly there yet.. so for now I slowly randomly read through them..
I had some rough days recently... I for the first time... became anxious at the reality of my life.. for the first time in a long time.. and no one would really believe I'd say this.. with the way I speak about cutting, the way I speak about this deep addiction/deep desire and need for the blade that I use for cutting.. for what seems to be the first time in a long time... I stopped carrying it (blade), I stopped allowing that piece hold me down, or give me the urge to continue to scar up my left arm... and for the first time recently I had regretted letting the blade go, and I purposely refused to come home because I knew if I did... the feeling... the relief, the love and admiration (distorted or not) there is no deeper connection for me an that stupid blade... so I refused to let myself fall back into that place, and even when I did come home I waited a few days, but the anxiety grew because for the first time I had forgotten where I put the blade.. so I found it, and have it visible at home.. but I still don't carry it with me.
I don't know what other things I do to avoid cutting, I'm guessing it's just my other addiction of zoning out, of not carrying about the world or feeling of numbness..which is similar to the feeling I get from cutting... just to feel that blade cut my arm... man alive. I hate to say that out loud but there is no greater, as that has been my one addiction since I think 15yrs... so for me to leave that at home, and to be able to stand on my own..it's pretty serious ground for me.
I know the letter I sent.. I told her... (my lady) I told her she doesn't have to worry about me anymore... that if we never spoke again, that she could know fully that "I choose life" and for me that is the biggest accomplishment to not hate my life, to not want and think and desire death... to be able to stand my ground... I had this picture of what that looked like... for so long I looked like I was on the edge, ready to die, ready to jump... and for the first time, I stand close to the edge but with courage in my heart, love in my soul and I want to live.
Honestly don't feel that way at this moment... but this is generally my life now... choosing to live.. and choosing to struggle but choosing to break through all these obstacles believing maybe.. I'll get there one day..
I'm psychotic I know! lol dangerous not! loved and cared for absolutely..
It's bringing up a lot of ideas for me... thinking of my lady and her reading that letter... I put so much into it... to say the right thing, or to be me... and to share those pieces of my journal that expressed my ultimate love and gratitude for the amazing woman she is, I could and will never love anyone more than I love her! and that's a terrible thing to say I know.. because obviously I'll find love one day but I guess I'll admit.. I'm not talking about that kind of love, but something deeper, something pure and something unconditional..
I actually had the right insane words to say.. but I didn't have a pen to write them in the letter I sent.. so I saved it in my phone.. what do you think? insane?
"Love you for now, forever and for always. unconditional, without judgement; no regrets, love you"
maybe i heard that somewhere? I don't know.. but when I said it out loud while driving cause I was trying to remember it word for word.. I was trying to think of why i love her, how I love her..there is nothing more beautiful then the love I have for that one woman across the country.. no matter what she has done, will do, or becomes, I'll love her... unconditionally without judgement, and no regret. INSANE! I know... but if only the whole story was a movie!
She wrote how I was the butterfly, and how the beast would one day lose it's hold on me!. and although I feel it..deep deep within me, the beast that lurks in my hurt and anger... I have maybe controlled it, but it's not a butterfly that's flourishing within me, that's too beautiful.. I'm more magnificent, more unique and yes I mean the Phoenix, rising from the ashes, rising from the darkness. no matter what anyone says about who I am, and what I've done, or am going to do! I will always rise from the ashes, I'll always move forward.
but like a psycho.. I'm also fully prepared and ready to die.. if the world ended tomorrow, if I died tomorrow... I'm ready for that.. because I have loved, I have lost, and I have lived. I'm glad to have lived all these wonderful years, and hated some of those years,but rising from the ashes and being as unique and beautiful there is nothing greater.
I look in the mirror and i don't know how I ever... thought it would never get better.. I remember those dark days, and yet here I am... I could still be in darkness, but I have the courage, strength, and love to pull through it.. I am moving forward!
I even had a dream about one day meeting that special someone, and I can't even remember who they were, but I remember the way I felt... so maybe it'll happen... maybe... it could be good... for a little while!
I miss you my lady! 143
I had some rough days recently... I for the first time... became anxious at the reality of my life.. for the first time in a long time.. and no one would really believe I'd say this.. with the way I speak about cutting, the way I speak about this deep addiction/deep desire and need for the blade that I use for cutting.. for what seems to be the first time in a long time... I stopped carrying it (blade), I stopped allowing that piece hold me down, or give me the urge to continue to scar up my left arm... and for the first time recently I had regretted letting the blade go, and I purposely refused to come home because I knew if I did... the feeling... the relief, the love and admiration (distorted or not) there is no deeper connection for me an that stupid blade... so I refused to let myself fall back into that place, and even when I did come home I waited a few days, but the anxiety grew because for the first time I had forgotten where I put the blade.. so I found it, and have it visible at home.. but I still don't carry it with me.
I don't know what other things I do to avoid cutting, I'm guessing it's just my other addiction of zoning out, of not carrying about the world or feeling of numbness..which is similar to the feeling I get from cutting... just to feel that blade cut my arm... man alive. I hate to say that out loud but there is no greater, as that has been my one addiction since I think 15yrs... so for me to leave that at home, and to be able to stand on my own..it's pretty serious ground for me.
I know the letter I sent.. I told her... (my lady) I told her she doesn't have to worry about me anymore... that if we never spoke again, that she could know fully that "I choose life" and for me that is the biggest accomplishment to not hate my life, to not want and think and desire death... to be able to stand my ground... I had this picture of what that looked like... for so long I looked like I was on the edge, ready to die, ready to jump... and for the first time, I stand close to the edge but with courage in my heart, love in my soul and I want to live.
Honestly don't feel that way at this moment... but this is generally my life now... choosing to live.. and choosing to struggle but choosing to break through all these obstacles believing maybe.. I'll get there one day..
I'm psychotic I know! lol dangerous not! loved and cared for absolutely..
It's bringing up a lot of ideas for me... thinking of my lady and her reading that letter... I put so much into it... to say the right thing, or to be me... and to share those pieces of my journal that expressed my ultimate love and gratitude for the amazing woman she is, I could and will never love anyone more than I love her! and that's a terrible thing to say I know.. because obviously I'll find love one day but I guess I'll admit.. I'm not talking about that kind of love, but something deeper, something pure and something unconditional..
I actually had the right insane words to say.. but I didn't have a pen to write them in the letter I sent.. so I saved it in my phone.. what do you think? insane?
"Love you for now, forever and for always. unconditional, without judgement; no regrets, love you"
maybe i heard that somewhere? I don't know.. but when I said it out loud while driving cause I was trying to remember it word for word.. I was trying to think of why i love her, how I love her..there is nothing more beautiful then the love I have for that one woman across the country.. no matter what she has done, will do, or becomes, I'll love her... unconditionally without judgement, and no regret. INSANE! I know... but if only the whole story was a movie!
She wrote how I was the butterfly, and how the beast would one day lose it's hold on me!. and although I feel it..deep deep within me, the beast that lurks in my hurt and anger... I have maybe controlled it, but it's not a butterfly that's flourishing within me, that's too beautiful.. I'm more magnificent, more unique and yes I mean the Phoenix, rising from the ashes, rising from the darkness. no matter what anyone says about who I am, and what I've done, or am going to do! I will always rise from the ashes, I'll always move forward.
but like a psycho.. I'm also fully prepared and ready to die.. if the world ended tomorrow, if I died tomorrow... I'm ready for that.. because I have loved, I have lost, and I have lived. I'm glad to have lived all these wonderful years, and hated some of those years,but rising from the ashes and being as unique and beautiful there is nothing greater.
I look in the mirror and i don't know how I ever... thought it would never get better.. I remember those dark days, and yet here I am... I could still be in darkness, but I have the courage, strength, and love to pull through it.. I am moving forward!
I even had a dream about one day meeting that special someone, and I can't even remember who they were, but I remember the way I felt... so maybe it'll happen... maybe... it could be good... for a little while!
I miss you my lady! 143
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Butterfly....is actually Phoenix
a couple weeks ago my sister found some journals.. I've been collecting them... I am hoping to burn them... some dark stuff in the journals, and also a lot of truth in them.. I spent about 8 yrs writing about one very important person... I talked about "my lady" the woman I believe was sent to me, and saved my life... and not literally saved my life, but believed in me, and stood by me through hellish times, and never gave up on me.
I honestly wholeheartedly am psychotic but I believe that this relationship is ended.. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months, I think of her everyday, and I miss her everyday. but for the first time in my life... I'm not desiring to be "saved" by anyone, i'm in a place for the first time that I am ok with my life; I have no imminent thoughts to commit suicide I feel ok with my life.. I do feel a loss with this relationship ending.. But I've written her a letter, I'm sending her two gifts. one is something I said I'd send her, and the second I'm hoping I can make into something beautiful to always remind her of what was...?! IdK it's like my youtube video that I never made! a constant idea or thought of some sort of creativity that never ends up happening..but maybe this will.
Its actually pretty sad.. I read some journal entries about my past and I just can't believe who i used to be you know? how did I ever think that way? or how did I ever make it through those terrible times, and why has this happened to me!
I added a picture of a note that I wrote... so many years ago... I don't remember the context of why I said what I did, but I'll tell you I've never understood why "my lady" had stayed in my life, why she remained by my side, and why she wouldn't have left for all the fucked up times.. the late night calls that I was in the hospital again, or when I created the 14 inch gash on my arm, she was there... and I could not hurt her more than that.. and yet.. even inspite of that she remained, she came to the hospital, she loved me, and cared for me... nothing can be more beautiful than that friendship
anyway the note basically is her telling me that she believed in me.. and that she knew "the beast" was at whirwind of wanting to destroy my life and end it.. but that there is also something else within me that is fighting for life, otherwise why did i call for help, why did I let her stay in my life.. and she always said things like... its name is butterfly.. and I guess for a while I believed that.. but as time has gone by.. I believe it's something else!
I love and don't remember how it all came to life...but when I found out about the Phoenix and found out "rising from ashes" a huge transformation that cannot be described.. I decided this was me.. I have risen from darkness, risen from the ashes.. I am not where I was, and I'm soaring to a beautiful future that cannot be described yet..
Anyway.. I'm off topic... I'm changed.. I'm not who I was 8 years ago, and as much as I want to move back to Ontario to be with "my lady" reality is... we aren't who we were... she and I have lots of dreams and hopes and common ground but we're in different places in our lives,.. and our lives are also no longer intertwined, we are in different provinces, different lives, and she is likely happy where she is! and I'm not happy but I know that I'm not thinking of dying tomorrow.
I have made new friend. and I have survived this 3 months with that friend. I know that I can and will find my destiny, and I'll never forget "my lady" we are forever branded with matching tattoos, and one day when she needs me.. I'll be there for her.
so soon... when I have the money. I'll send her gift... and let that be it.. there is no reason to cry, because it is a good thing....I don't need her, she doesn't need me. we are free to live our lives, and not worry about one another.. and comparing that to eight years ago, it's incredible. if someone knew who she was back then and see where she's at now.. its a beautiful world we live in!
I will always and forever love her.. but I can love her and not have her in my life. we will love and be loved, we will share pieces of our hearts with one another and have those beautiful memories.. regardless moving on, moving forward..
KMF 8385
Phoenix
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