all across the sky

there's a few songs on my ipod that I listen to repeatively.

Im too scared to write these words. im scared of the emotional turmoil that I am feeling, however I know this is where I come in desperate moments of needing to express these moments.

I've been forced to make some decisons that I'll have to stand by because Im trying to better myself in my life especially during this time. however as this being the first of october I feel like this huge thing of anger is rising up in me. I constantly wanna fight I want to do something to make the whole world angry with me.I dont know maybe I just want to hurt...

all's I am thinking about is how childish I am that I continously struggle with the death of my father. I hear the words of many people that WERE in my life that said let him go, get over it, or something stupid like that. then I turn and ask have you ever lost a loved one at a young age? but apparently it does not make a difference...because we have to let it go sometime.
Im in a stage in my life...that i feel like crying. I feel like giving up on everything I've worked so hard to get too.

There are people that I love and care for more then anything..and yet during this time they are just disappointing me.hurting me or just being so messed up with bull with me... I have explained to them continously that I can't deal with this kind of emotions or decisions right now. so instead Ive let them go. instead Im just dealing with me. because I know that this is my life an if I dont get through these things it will destruct me..It won't distruct those who may not be in my life much longer.. what I mean by that is that people come and go so much in my life.. that there words that pierce me..dont help me...
I give up so much for so many people...I go out of my way for others. but Im done now. Im done now because I realize how broken I am in my life...and how much if I dont get what i need soon then I'll fall apart and who knows what will happen from there..

a show comes to mind...it was about someone showing someone else how broken they were in their lives..how they shut everyone out and just...
it was a picture of a nice glass just regular cup...or glass...whole...
however then it was smashed to the ground...and the point is that I've allowed myself to be bottled up, fragile little me... broken...bleeding...everything about me is broken... and all's I want to do is cry...to be by myself...to deal with me...
If I can do this one thing then I would feel I could conquer more then the world...because I really want to survive my life..I want to make it...I dont want to continue cutting. I dont want to continue drinking..I dont want to continue to turning to things that hurt me and not help me...

I want to find that freedom that I've heard so much about..the release of truly letting someone go..not forgetting but not letting it ruin ones life every year on his death anniversary..

until then....Im staying where I am...Im making my decision that Im shutting myself off from the world that has made me feel enslaved to helping others...because right now its time for just me. I have my three people support system and its all I need right now...other then that... I've let everything everyone else go....I can't be disappointed..i can't be around people who have jerked me around..who have toyed with my mind..who have enslaved me to this thing that's done nothing but hurt me at the end of the night.
Im done with that...and I really hope that I'll stand through this..stand strong...and I really really hope that I can make it through this month and make it to the new world....to open my eyes to beauty of our world...

Im done being destructive..or being in relationships that have been destructive to me... Im done going outta my way for others...Im focusing on me...

im crying enough...being sad..broken...bruised..bleeding in my heart..enough with the fact it's my dad's month...that's more difficult then anything else...if the people that love me don't understand me in that way...then they have never really known me at all...

Good night

missing you

December 25.1994 merry christmas

could not get up this morning stayed awake long hours through last night watching T.V.
This morning thelma was taking pictures of us sleeping on christmas day, where as we should have been opening presents.
it was very nice watching our children opening thier presents, never had such a happy feeling in such a long time feels good to be back to the living again.
the best present I got was having my son Jeffrey for four hours, I was so happy to hold him after this long wait!
Thelma was taking pictures this is the best day of my life to have my family together, and being sober and clean from the first time in a long time.
Only happiness belongs here today if only I could be like that everyday

another 24 hours

(written by my father Wilson M.Murdock

March 18.1962-October 26.1995)

R.I.P Daddy

im in a very emotional mode at the moment. Im sitting here trying to figure out what my father would do if he found my brother drinking tonight. cause my brother left about four hours ago and we haven't heard from him yet, when he did come back he was already under the influence.

everyday time he drinks he blames it on me... he tells me it's my fault for his drinking..thank God I have a great counselor and amazing friends who tell me that he just needs someone to blame, he is afraid to take the responsibility of his actions.

Every time though... I just want to beat him up. I want him to just see how much emotional turmoil Im forced to be put through because he's being like that. I mean I can't blame him..however he's kept EVERYTHING so bottled up no one ever knows whats going on with him, and the only way I find out is by him being under the influence yelling at me for no reason...

my brother had an accident last friday...he hit me in the face and I now have a fractured nose for the next few weeks..not the funnest times in my life.. I've never been hit before in my life..by anyone in my family or even just like that. and so Im trying to hide that from him and tell him that I've been hit...although honestly never had a broken bone...sprained yes...but broken no! so now for him.. he's in this huge guilt trip of me being all fractured...and it's just my nose.

when he did it...after he did it...last friday..he tried to end his life because I dont even know...

its more like....a child hitting his/her parent... I guess my brother has always looked up to me as a parent more then a sister, I guess my fault too well not really I've been taking care of randy since he was born...we've been through some very difficult times in our lives....

so either way...my brother is on this guilt trip of my nose being fractured.. I even took off the tape from my nose because I didn't want to remind him of it everytime he had seen me.. my cousin told me to make him feel guilty and then force him to go into counselling...I talked to him the other day and asked him if he would go and he said he would.. so I going to help him make those appointments..and then let him go from there..I mean I know for me counselling has helped me.. and it's been awesome...although i have seen my counselor less and less...only because of wierd sicknesses or just not wanting to go... when I do go...it's always better..and I want my brother to have that...

I mean my brother tells me there are SO MANY things he is not telling me...some times at moments bits and pieces slip out...but I try and not say anything or do anything...

I just wish...that my dad could be here...I wish that he could be here and grab his son and just hold him...love him...take care of him...and help him... because I honestly can't help my brother...I can be here for him to talk too...

But I can't help him...Im trying to straighten out my own life..that in itself is taking up everything..because I just quit drinking so much recently...it was two weeks before I had a drink...and then I had a couple at a social legion. but other then that...I mean I just want my dad to come back and love him. take care of him, help him through these difficult timess. anything...I just can't do it...

he just walked in the door... I hope he stays in because I have to go to sleep.. I need to be up in about 5 hours..

Im heading out to see my uncle Henry... it was his birthday on the 23 of Sept. and we are celebrating it today and I really really want to be there.. if there has been anyone that's loved me alot..it's my uncle's... no matter what I tell them I've done, am doing...they lavish great love and encouragement on me and it always makes me feel great...I am their favorite niece...and I always have been.. they are both so proud of me...I love them so much! I can't wait to spend the day with my family!

that's the highlight of me...because I love my uncles alot...Im glad to celebrate my uncles' life..he is a great man!

GNILY!

Good night

thanks for listenning

verdict

emotional...broken...bruised..bleeding....sad..hurt...painful...not really here
Why is it that no matter what I do...how happy I might be in my life I always come to this crossroad of being completely and utterly emotional in October...or just the thought of it coming my way...
Im crying...Im an emotional wreck and I dont want to see anyone or be anywhere..Im thinking of going to see my cousin because he's the only person I like being around...he helps me not feel anything and helps me realize what I need to be focused on and not the future. does that sound crazy? welll he helps me through some very difficult times and this is one of those times.
maybe I get emotional because once a year I am forced to look in the mirror and see the person I've become and so far as I know every year I feel like I've done nothing good changed anything good..or maybe it's just emotions...memories of the past that no matter what I do I can't get rid of those thoughts...
I dont know but Im crying and I hate it
welll I guess I better go because I just can't think of anything else to say...

its been a emotional day and Im just wanting to feel nothing but I can't help it youknow? that's why I like being around my cousin because he helps me forget about these things...focus on today and that's it not a month from now or anything like that

alright well im going to head there in a couple hours because that's where I feel I need to be

good night

my end

well it's been a very difficult couple days...
I went to take care of my drunk brother on Friday and he ended up trying to take a swing at someone and hit me in the face...I find out tomorrow if he fractured my nose.. I haven't made it to work either because i've been sick on top of everything.
I had a counselling appointment today that I did not go too..which was a really bad idea...I really needed to go but I am really sick with an infection to my voice box so talking would've been rough enough as is.

Ive had a real hard time...with all this love stuff....
no matter what the love we try and show on those we love always seems to be worthless and hopeless nothing is ever good enough...and I feel finally done trying...people want me to love them then they better put up with the way I'll show that now... before it was all about the talking, being there and all that...but now im like well...what am I to do now?
I go from extreme to extreme it's always been this way with me...I dont think it'll ever change and therefore I always lose...because i can never find the balance between those things.
and then I have this whole anger problem... i always lash that sorta thing out in a reaction to something so simple and that really ruins everything for me...it's frustrating to be me right now..

so far the only people I've hurt are those I love...but the days not over yet..lol.. I seem to have the way of hurting people and then feeling guilty about it....it takes me longer to realize I've hurt someone and then when I find out I have I make myself hurt...self abuse is such a terrible thing...

however...upper side of my terrible life at the moment..is Im still trying to become something of myself...its just time to get the ball rolling on that...maybe go to school somewhere far away.. that way when I come visit it'll be for a short time and I can't usually hurt people in that length of time...however it's a curse that I have in hurting those I love.

it's been extremely difficult at work because of all this stuff Im doing for everyone..joking Im only working as a supervisor for my company getting paid bulshit money..to try and train these people to work the best...so far I feel like I've failed that and now I just like man I just want to quit..but then my counselor tells me to wait and find another job before I quit...but then I have no time for myself to do those sorts of things...I've allowed myself to get tied up in other peoples stuff...because I care that much and that's a curse too.

so now...when I wake up...Im only focusing on me...because I need to get my life straightened out I need to figure out my ways in life rather then constantly trying to help everyone... because like everyone keeps telling me I can't help anyone until I help myself...I can't succeed if I constantly have to watch out for other people...not happening anymore Im really going to do this because I dont want my life to be like this anymore..I am and have been created for so much more then this...and here I am..trying and failing..trying and failiing..thankfully I learned my horrible weaknesses are and my strengths...and what ways I need to improve my ways of life... because its time to be all about me....I have to do this or I'll fail in my life..because I'll just be miserable..and that'll be terrible...

so that's my plan..through all these terrible situations..these experiences..I realize all's Im hurting are those I love...the only way to stop that is to find out about myself all over again.. and really learn more about myself...and get dealing with these issues in my life before it tears me apart...

that's all for now...what else can I say...

Good night

there for a friend

R.I.P BABIES~

It's hard to think of how to start off this day... I got a call lastnight from a friend she needed my help with going through a very difficult situation...I didn't even hesitate at the opportunity to be there for her regardless of what it was...I went to her place after work...we woke up at 6am to head to the hospital....
I went with my friend..my dear friend...she was pregnant and the baby was in the wrong part of her stomach or something in her filliopian tubes.. so she had to do an outpatient procedure.. I did not realize how much it would effect me..
I sat there in the waiting room...with a bunch of guys..husbands..boyfriends..etc.. I didn't really know the whole situation...but when I realized what had been happening.. I could not help but break into tears..
The main reason it bothered me so much was because I had heard a story about a dear friend of mine going through a very difficult situation...in the past..and even at the story she had told me I had cried...

this was a different thing..I was sitting there...knowing...that these children...these two precious gifts from God were being ripped from her belly and being taken away...she didn't even get to decide whether she wanted to keep them or not...so afterwards..we walked around....surrounded by pregnant women...an both of us nearly fell into tears all these precious mothers carrying gifts from God...and we were reminded of what she had just done...but I explained to her that she needed to do this...it would be too painful and probably not able to survive it neither for her or the children...
but my heart.....

my heart...
my heart could not let go of the burden of letting go of two precious children... being ripped from their mother...an taken away...
it's too painful to think about..too much too much stuff...

I sat with my friend....outside..on the stairs...she began to cry...she felt so guilty...as if it was a choice that she had just made...and I was just trying...my best to be turned off from the whole situation..I didn't want her to know how much pain I was in just having her go through something like that.....

I took her home...and she fell asleep.... a couple hours later..I ended up taking her back to the hospital something had gone wrong at the procedure... I wanted to cry...I wanted to scream..> I had never felt so helpless..my sweet friend was in so much pain and I could do nothing...nothing but rub her shoulder...hold her hand....I couldn't cry...I didn't want to scare her....

All day all's I've thought about are those two babies..those twins...that are now gone...and Im just all broken inside...all torn up..I can't believe this... I won't forget this day

it made me think...of... my brothers and sisters...and loooking at them being so glad apart from how annoying they can be...how much I love them..how much Im glad each of them was born.. Im so glad that I was too young to see my mother have to go through something like..because after I was born she was pregnant and had a miscarriage... I know...that when a friend of mine had called me and told me she had one I cried...
there's something about children...apart from the fact I dont really like children I mean I love chidlren and they love me...but I've dealt with children for the past 18yrs ...so Im like looking forward to their growth and then having my time away from children...
but children...there's just something about them..an innocence... I mean when I first met.. my friend Connie's baby... she was so precious..but I was scared of her..this small fragile baby.. and my friend Connie put her in my arms...this fragile life...I was terrified...but then Abigail opened her eyes after her nap...and she started smiling... and all those fears...all that tension that I had went away...this little life...was smiling at me...

it reminds me of my cousins' son Dilon! the greatest kid in the world..the first time I held him was on December 25.2007.. for the first time I met him that day...the only reason was because my mom wanted someone to help her with dinner..and Toni Dilon's mom was the only volunteer and she put Dilon in my arms...and i fell in love with him... he's the best!

anyhow I've always had good experiences with children...I just have a connection to them.. in some way..most children love me..I mean i dont love children to like become a teacher of elementary or anything..but I dont know how to explain it.

but today..was a very difficult painful...heartbreaking day for me and I wont forget it... I dont think there is a way to forget something like this... how difficult it was and how painful it was.

i gotta go...now...

needed to write that

The day after

It's been nearly a month since I've written... I wish that I could give good report but I can't.. I dont know if I will ever be able too..I know I need to find the time to write in here because maybe it will help me better...with my life...because it's always been my writing that's helped me through stuff...
So in the last month who knows what's happened..I went to Ontario my brother and I had a terrific time and it was a very memoriable time... I did talk to some people I told them about some incidents that have happened here in Vancouver...it was difficult and disappointing that I would have to tell the people I love how terrible I've been doing.

I was in the hospital again...I was also arrested for some kind of drunkness or something not really sure...however I realized that I'll never become a cop with my history with the police in the last nine months there's no way I would even dream of trying to become a police officer because I realize how messed up I've become...
I also am under a lot of stress with my life at my mothers' and if not that then work...I actually have been skipping out on work the last two weeks I've been ill with some kind of stress thing like I get too stressed out and get sick...no appetite no sleep...just craziness...my work understands for now...however I strongly believe that if I continue like this Im either going to be let go or Im going to quit...
However I talked to my doctor who's been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for the last two weeks and he said if I quit work then I'll be even more stressed out because I'll be outta work and so if I can try and stand it to do it...Im on a diet of foods now and still not sleeping...

I've never felt more terrible in my life.. with this idea of never becoming anything you know?

I mean my counselor here in Vancouver had agreed with some things of me becoming a leader among my peers and all that...and then the whole destiny thing with everything else...it's just like...I feel like "John Connor" from the terminator judgment day...haha I just watched that this afternoon...I just feel like theres so much pressure on me to survive...so much pressure on me to live my life...so much pressure and it's just become so much on me... and then people tell me to enjoy life...and then it's like everyday Im forced to make sure my choices are based on the idea of being a big sister, on the idea of being a leader, on the idea of me being a role model... and instead of doing that I become really messed up with alcohol.. the only thing I've stopped doing is taking pills...well unless there perscribed...and I also stopped cutting...
I have decided that Im quitting everything slowly you know? I mean if I try and quit it all quickly I'll probably just fall apart and end up losing my mind..so I've gradually tried to quit everything....

I have done some pretty stupid things this last month... and I've hurt alot of people..and really hurt myself in the end...my counselor and I talked about how I won't let other people to hurt me and how I take it out on myself..or if not that then I load myself with all this guilt and end up making some really bad decisions...

I dont even know where to begin on changing my life...a part of me just wants to get away for like a week..no phone no communication with anyone or anything but I dont have the kind of money to do that..and I dont even know where I would even think of going because I dont really know... I just wish
If i had one wish..it would be just to pack up a backpack and go camping for a week somewhere far away by myself...and just enjoy the nights sky, and enjoy the days hot sun...and just write my letters...write my stories and enjoy myself...and relax.... because im losing my mind...

I can't believe how much pressure is on me..because it's like all my decisions for everything my older brother see's those things and follows my example and then I end up being blamed for it or he ends up going on a bad trip about me leaving, or making the decisions I've made... and if not that then I've just been a terrible person...
however no no never mind there is no however...I've really messed up everything lately.. and I've barracked myself in my house and refuse to leave unless its for work...I mean I feel like everything I touch right now turns to pain and heartache and then I feel guilty and then it's like the old feelings of cutting come up or ending my life...

I can't believe where Im at right now...i can't believe it at all...

there is no good hand..no good news..
Im still in a relationship..Im still very much in love and wish that I could be a better person for my love..I wish that i could be saner...or something better...and yet my love is still there...still waiitng...stilll loving..still helping me through this...still being there the nights..the days..and minutes and seconds of my life...an I constantly am baffled at how someone can love someone so much and be there through all these diseasterous times for myself...I mean I constantly want to throw in the towel....I feel like I've lost all hope and desire to survive and everyday...it's just become a dread...a painful time...I dont want to move outta my bed...
however Im not depressed..my doctor does not believe that..he thinks that Im just under a lot of stress...he strongly suggests I move outta my moms' and get my own place..but because of all the stress I'm unable to work my full hours...and have cut that in half and it's been terrible for my paychecks....and then I have visa companies calling, if not that then my cell phone bill or money I owe my uncles...or something so stupid...and IM supposed to be helping my mom out with food and everything and I can't even do that anymore..

just talking about all this stuff is making me ill... and I hate that because i know I need to write about it more often..

well im exhausted...I know that for a fact...without a doubt....

Now I am going to head to bed...howeevr because I know writing is my gift and everything Im hoping that it won't be a month before I write again..because i need to write...it helps me so much...

although there are many things Im not saying...the major things are being said...

night

tell me its real

The last almost three weeks of my life huh?

Its hard to figure out where to begin with all that has happened... I know my youngest brother turned 14 which was really awesome..I felt terrible that I did not buy him anything but it was honestly difficult to figure out what to get him with the little money i had.. I spent time with him at his party.. however i got really upset there because my niece was suppose to come and me and my brother randy were so looking forward to seeing her...and not having her there really messed me up and made me upset...
there were fireworks here and there at some point for some reason but i didnt go... i worked and if not that then I just didnt feel a strong desire to go to those fireworks...its become something completely different and i couldn't imagine myself going to something like that anymore..unless i was with my cousin...

I've been emotional...turmoiled..felt run over by trackers, by trains..by everything more painful then anything...Im not really sure why i have felt that way....

I can't remember the exact day...and i dont ever want to talk about this agian but it's one of those things that I need to say... I think it was a week ago..I got really upset more upset then I've ever been..and I took a bunch of pills and i was under the influence... it was hard because what made it worse was my sisters were there...and i could not even begin to imagine telling them the truth..i just told them i was a little tipsy and could not tell how much the bottle had said to take... I was in the hospital overnight...they let me out after i talked to the doctor...
that really changed everything from there... I mean for me... I just wanted to quit drinking and doing all that stuff... but it didn't work i left that saturday with my cousin because i wanted to test myself to see if i was that irresponsibile, and stupid as i had been earlier... not true at all i had a great time with some amazing fun people....i left them though because i called my brother out and we went home...
I got into a lot of trouble with my mother and she just said some things and acted some ways and yeah..now im not sure what's happening with that and i hope nothing... although i went out again the other night I think it was tuesday and it went really well too however like evreything i left that too and came home...locked my door and cried most of the night in my room.......

Im too scared to imagine i can't even imagine...but at the same time...its like :what if:

the one person i love..the one person i cherish more then anything...the love of my life was the only one who knew what went down the other night.... and I never told my cousin... im too scared to because i know he will never talk to me again..just that week of not having him in my life because we got in an argument that was harsh.... so now im just like if he found out this time around im sure he'd be done with me because he'd be so angry with me... only two of us knows.. and i hope it stays that way..... i can't believe any of it....

its so frustrating...because im so scared of going away...i mean im leaving today...tonight.. and im scared too because this one thought that i spoke about will linger in my mind...and if not that then i'll have to see the people i love and cherish in ontario...and i m almost a hundred percent sure they will see it in me....this darkness..or this pain...or even then someone one specific person will gut it out of me...and i know her really well she will do that..and im scared of that because i dont want her to know...
i moved to vancouver to change but i haven't changed... i moved back to go to College to become a police offcer and that's not happened either.....

since being back i've been drinking...being angry....

oh did i mention court is all over?
he got twelve months probabtion and ten years on the sex offenders.. that's it...nothing more then that.... i was hung over or still buzzed when i went to court that day... one of my friends had to watch me in case i might have done something...if anyone has any right to be pissed off it would be me...
all these people looking for this justice..and that's our justice...it makes me so angry..even now just thinking of it.


trying to get out of that...............

this past sunday as i remember it..after that house party i was at...I travelled to White rock to visit my one and only niece...we didn't do much but just being in her presence brighten my day.. she is such a great niece.. a great kid... it made me sick to my stomach though because i know that my older sister needs to be there for her..and there's nothing we can do about that... i wanted to go downtown and smack my sister in teh face just because im angry with her for being so addicted...and i know it's not her fault but she just makes me mad...
her daughter has not seen her for almost 11yrs...or less.. and it's like your so stupid... i hate that so much.. i remember when sam was younger we weren't allowed to mention my sister's name because sam knew her mother's name...and when we said it..she'd get really upset and cry and stuff...and im just like MAN ALIVE! I just wish...
i wish that i was a doctor..I wish i could be there for my sister and force those things out of her system...she her who she was..who she is now..and who she needs to be....just one day make it legal that i can do that...

im frustrated like crazy....so much is going on.....

i cancelled my counselling appointments because one day i just couldn't go..and rescheduled and then i was in the hospital when i was supposed to be outta town or so i said... i couldn't face my counselor after that incident.. i couldn't imagine doin that..and yet she knows..if not from me then im sure my mom would mention it to her... i hate that so much


other then that..the up side of things i guess.....is that im going to ontario...im taking my brother randy with me..he's 18yrs old...the same age i was when i went there... i hope that he will see some things...experience some greater things in life then what he's doing....five days in the country...five days with healthy alive people...i hope it'll do something to him... i want him to shake the hands of those poeple that really believed in me..those people who inspired me to do better...for a short time i did better but then it all fell apart...it's a long process to find that person again because of everything that's happened....

but i guess...in time...in time.. im still trying my best... i mean trying my best to not give up on my life...not give up on my future...

I'll tell you it's not been easy...

i hope things will change when i get back...an i hope to have some new things...to search in my life..

i want to say more but im exhausted and need to sleep...

good night