darkness consumes

I've been struggling for a bit...with this pain. This itch. This desire. This hatred for being alive. I think i remember last year I was so grateful to be alive. An now here I am wishing I had died. Or could die.

The pain of living. Of being in this cycle. Having no real dreams. You know how some people dream of moving away into another country. Or want to Vacation in another city.

I have no desires. An even if I did. I feel tied down. Tied down to my life here. 

I had desires to move back to Ontario. But really why..  I wasn't living there. Like I didn't have a job.

I have desires to move up here. Like become a boss in the job I'm in now. 

I have this vision of doing better than all the years we been here. 

An yet

There's this darkness..  it's eating away at me. This desire. Burning desire to hurt myself. To feel pain. Because I feel like I've done so much for everyone. An I'm allegedly friends with so many an yet no one can see me. No one can see the person crying. Screaming for help. Because I' feel like just a shell of a person.

I hardly remember who I ever was. Or if I ever was anyone. 

I had a dream of an old friend. And all I thought yes of course I miss her smile an hugs an ILY. But why the hell was she ever in my life. The toxic shit. The codependency was what she likely was attracted too. I did nothing to help her I did no way support her getting out of where she was. It was a one sided issue. 

I'm losing my mind

No one knows me anymore. I look in the mirror an I dont recognize who is there 

I'm losing my mind..

I read a bs story about this idiot who was so poor etc. 

An thought my life was horrible too. But you won't see me spreading that shit anywhere.

I watched a movie called Bones of Crows. An I thought how much pain an trauma an perseverance. An dedication. The drive to survive through it all.

An to now decades later have a voice.

Alls I thought is I wish my uncles were here to see the movement. 

They both went to Residential School. They both suffered in unspeakable ways. An neither ever had children.

But they loved.   They loved with their hearts. They loved me. They fed me. They took care of me. 

When my parents were off fuckin up their lives they would come an bring groceries. McDonald's. They would make sure I never went hungry. Even though I did a lot. But sometimes I didn't.

An the love.  The love they carried. After surviving such pain. I'm moved..  I'm moved how did they know that love. Cause they loved us. They loved my brothers and I. They protected us. They fed us. An they were pillars of everything to Me.

An now seeing the world acknowledge what happened what happened to them an their not even here... they don't get to see our strength. Our love. Loyalty. Our honor to them 

I grew up without love as well. An somehow. Someway. It found me. It grew like a fire in my soul that has everlasting light. 

I love so much. I care so much. 

So much so that I'll rip my heart out for someone else if they asked. Because I am that kind of person.

An yet...

When I'm hurting. When I feel this feeling. This darkness. I'm trying so hard to fight it. My brain is remembering the matrix. When Neo touched the Mirror. It consumed him

That's what I feel. I feel like the darkness is breaking me down an that my desires my darkness is going to consume me. An I'm fighting. But I'm not telling anyone what is going on I just feel it. Struggle with it on my own. An no one can hear me. No one can see it. An I'm just.. I can't even cry. Alls I wanna do is bleed. Alls I wanna do is hurt. I want to do something so bad. 

I'm struggling 

Please find a way...find a way to keep moving forward. Ugh 

can't sleep

FAFO

I'm struggling to sleep I have so much crap rolling around in my brain 

I recently had my one year anniversary of my death. I died one year ago an was brought back.

In celebration of this

I got a new tattoo

Two days later I dreamt of someone I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I find myself sometimes thinking of her. Reminding myself of her laughter. Or her amazing love. Of standing by me. 

I dreamt of her. An its been engraved in me. Because idk..  idk why. But I can't get it out of my head.

And in that thought I ended up sending some pictures to my partner who's in treatment.

Almost to say I'm thinking of you an although I'm living my life. She is still with me. And I still want to share those moments with her.

An then 3 days later she called me

An now my heart is all flustered an I can't sleep.

I'm surrounded by all these thoughts. All these feelings. All these hopes. All these fears.. she asked to see me. For the first time in a while. 

It made me happy an scared

What if this. What if that. An who knows where seeing one another leads too. An why does she stay.

She currently serving to do better. Live better. Everything to be better. An yet she is clinging to me. Not like tightly but I guess has this idea. Has this hope for our future. 

An I'm out here living my life. Doing my own. Still completely with her like I'm not with anyone else. But I'm also not holding my life not pining away

An now she wants to see me. Wants me to visit. An I'm happy an scared. An what if I'm a disappointment. What if my hair is as crappy. What if she doesn't like this or that. Ugh

It's supposed to be a good thing.

A way to move forward

An I'm scared. 

I talked to a friend about that dream I had. An he said.. was toxic. An I'm like no 

When I guess it was... I relied so heavily on her. I clung to her for reasons to live but under the circumstances I think it made sense. 

But I didn't want that to be our forever. I wanted to be who I am now to who i was then.

But maybe you gotta let go. But maybe if I'm saying that maybe I'm saying that in more ways. Or maybe I'm just freaking crazy.

Cause I loved her. 

She was my world

She was so a reason to live

A reason to want to do better

But I didn't want her to be a forever thing.

I just wanted to appreciate that I had someone.

She had me too

Cause she came to me in her times of need. Sometimes anyway.. 

Dreaming about her. Was great but it made me miss her so damn much..it's the little things that she an I did. That I'm reminded... the person I used to be. Because who I am now...

She wouldn't even recognize me.

An my partner whom I've been committed too all this time. Who knows 

An what if she doesn't recognize me either

What is right. What is wrong. An what do I do.

I've always taken advice and been screwed over

My mind is racing. An I'm scared.....