wonderful world

Ive decided wonderful world sung by Louis Armstrong will be my memory song after im dead and gone. Idk why i love it. I just woke up and heard it had it on repeat. Cause its such a beautiful song.

My life the last few weeks has felt difficult. Unbearable some days. But here I am keeping on

I work elsewhere temporarily I guess. But I also... have reconnected with my ex. Its odd because for like a week or so... I was feeling her presence and being reminded of her love and devotion. And one day looking down at a bag of clothes that belonged to her. And thought im gonna toss those. Or im gonna donate them to someone. But then me being me. Instead I got up the courage to email her and ask what you like me to do with your stuff.  One thing led to another and here we are again 

While that was going on. Another ex had come up with drunken calling me. And saying everything I wanted to hear an then some. And I was like what is going on in the world. 

I am just a person. I am just me. Im not anyone special and yet was like the whole crew of people i love would be calling or messaging me.

As I've started this new job. Ive met a woman. Who reminds me.... with the hair the glasses and smile. Reminds me of my lady. 

No one can ever take her place. And when I think about describing her to others. I think she's one of the ones that saved my life 

Im constantly reminding myself..  why she's not in my life. I was a psycho. I was broken. I was not myself and so she probably doesn't know me as I am now. 

Stable. Unwavering in my ability to be consistent. But even as I type those words. Im not.. it was approx one month ago. I went back to old habits of self harm.

Ok ok. Not as bad as I used to be. 

As I fight my own demons to take of this kid. To be a loving parent. To provide all he requires. And to give him hope of the future. 

I fight my demons every evening as I struggle with how little I feel. How alone I feel. How sad I feel. I wont give up on myself because he depends on me.

And for those who think or discuss or understand self harm those that understand dark thoughts of suicide or wanting the pain to stop. And pressing it down into the abyss to keep going. To hold on one more second. This is me clinging to everything I can to be a strong role model. A strong mentor. A constant place of love an appreciation approval idk. Recognition of the good things he accomplishes.

He has no idea... I am here.  I am here for him and only him.

People in the world meet my boy. And look at me. And think this is your kid..   huh??!?!??! Cause his soul. His personality maybe like his biological mom. But he's such a beautiful soul. Such caring guy. A kid who loves so deeply. And desires so much to make me proud. 

Maybe im rambling...

.im fighting my thoughts because I feel so sad. I wish. I always wish for that history I had with my lady. Just to hear her voice. See her smile. Feel her embrace. I know it may sound like im in love with her. But reality is. She was the one person who never gave up on me. She stood by me  even as I pushed her away she remained every hospital visit. Every psycho drunken call. She even helped me when I tried to get out of my friendships by pretending to be my gf. Lol she was dedicated to making sure I lived everyday. 

I miss her. I love her. And im grateful she exists in this world. I hope for the best for her I wish I could repay her for the unconditional love she poured into me. The strength. The hope. The everything.

Im here because she believe in me. 

That's my reminder also to keep Moving Forward. Even tho I dont make those calls about giving up anymore. I just want to make her proud. Of the person I've become. And continued to fight to be a good person. 

I love you my lady I am grateful you saved mt life ❤️ 

difficult days

My partner and I aren't together ongoing for a while. A Friday before last. I got kicked out of my current job. And for first time. I wanted to call my partner. But... I didnt. 

Day before truth and reconciliation. Alls I can think about is the suffering my uncles endured. And yet how loving they were toward me. 

I tried to not disappoint them... I think about all they didnt speak about. Never did they tell us what they endured. Never did they let us go hungry tho. I remember when my parents were in addiction. If I was hungry my uncles showed up to make sure we were fed. Even if it was a happy meal. 

When I became a teenager.  And they got there residential school survivor money they poured that into me. But I was young an dumb. 

I think about my uncle before he died. The manipulation he endured from his own family. An me being denied to see him. I know he likely left me something or piece of land. But ill never know.

For me being without a job after egging it on. Hurts. Last fourteen. Years of my life has been these streets and building myself up. And now without it. Idk

I am temporarily taking something else. But reality is I wanna tell the people who hold the shit. How shitty they are. Because reality is the executives are lining their pockets. The directors are useless. 

People like me. Who been the boots on thr ground. Idk. It is shitty 

I haven't told many people what happened. Tbh it feels like a failure. To have lost the job ive done so well on. First time in awhile I actually was doing well. 

When I found out what had happened. I went back to some old habits. Because that's what I do. But I also know once I've opened up this door. Without talking about it. Or having people to talk too. It likely get its hold on me again.

Life is short. Believe me I know. But I've lost so much this year already. 

Trying to build a life for this kid. And trying to break habits. Idk. 

He wants me to take him around the world. Man I hope to do that one day. To finally have saved money to be able to show him a good life. 

Idk

At the same time. I honestly wanna change my last names now. Because I'm struggling with who im connected too. Majority of my family is the dtes struggling with trauma. Unwilling to get help. But absolutely blaming me. 

Its whatever the word is. When someone targets someone just because their doing well in their life. Therefore everything bad that's happened is my fault

Reality is ive basically cut off everyone in that family. Only person im willing to look out for is my mom.. 

I feel... alone. Depressed. And on edge. I had plans for my future.

Now there void

Id love to travel. I watch movies of places in the world. Beaches. Breathtaking views. Id love to get out of here. The world is so expansive and I currently not working

And because of my own whatever I have my own trauma of whether I can be out in the world. 

I just want something. Anything to go well for once. 

I was thinking about my lady. My queen. Wishing I could hear her voice. Know that im not here alone. And be ok for moment. I think last week I drove by the Christmas tree light area one of last places I was with her. And for moment I get to think of her. And the belief an unconditional love she has for me. Knowing yes it likely still exists but its not something I know anymore

Like all people... we move on.... keep Moving Forward.

I thought of all the people who supported me through the years of my life. The love. Admiration.  Devotion. I miss having those people in my life.

I feel like right now I dont have reliable people in my life. 

Anyway... I'm struggling.  Im feeling whatever im feeling and im trying to hold on

live for me

Forever embedded in my heart. 

I know i should be happy to be free from everything.  But we live in a world where we crave an desire connection. 

I already miss the first year. And how in love we were. How I lay there with this beautiful soul in my arms and thankful she didn't chose my friend. 

Ive been cursed with never having anyone be like I am for them meaning... when she was in hospital.  When she needed a ride. When she needed an escape. When she needed moment to breathe. I was all these things. The sun and moon an stars. But when I finally broke down. Finally died.  I was alone in that room. When I was released the greatest person I love showed up but my love of my life was mia. 

I spent months recovering an less than handful of those times was my partner there. An I waited patiently for years. To let her deal and heal. And instead I get a crappy message that were done. 

But for once it would be great. To not always being the hero. To one day be someone someone wants to drive or make smile or show up for. 

I had a dream. I had a dream of a life I'll likely never see. A love I'll never get. A hope for future I'll never have. Some of my friends were happy my relationship was over. And yet even they are nowhere to be found. Clearly not friends. 

We used to be. But now...

I feel isolated. Alone. Will we ever get out of here. Will I ever feel loved. Appreciated. Etc. How can this be the end. How can I just forget. I totally placed her in every aspect. 

I feel like garbage because I am always thr one getting hurt. I always am the one being left. Oh wait I left one before. Let's not talk about that lol

I miss random connections. I miss sitting with my lady at the beach. In rhe park. At the waterfront. Just to be in the presence of purity of love. Would've been great about now. An instead... all I have is memories. Fading. Love is giving the bare minimum. 

If that dream would come true. I'd be grateful. Just once. Dont I deserve something beautiful. Something real. Something someone would wanna go out of their way. For. 

I miss my love. And I miss my smile. I miss the person was next to me. 

Please let me have a love more powerful than darkness. 

redblooded human

Being recreated or reborn. Thoughts late at night. Reminding self how alone one truly is. Reality is im here to raise or help raise this kid. And that is all. 

For once again. The one love that I thought was my forever of course.. like all things. Had to work on themselves rather than anyrhing else. Its making world difficult to wanna keep surviving. 

I start to see people in addiction never going anywhere but what else is out there. 

I never make enough money to travel. I never have people Id trust to be around with. 

I have too high expectations.  When reality is. I realize that even though id be there for few.  Behind my back their making choices or hate on me. Because I am a monster. I am garbage. I am selfish.

Idk.

Im in a rough brain set. Struggling to keep Moving Forward. Have repeatedly moved forward and forward but never went anywhere. 

I want to get out. Get out of this city. Get out of this family. I just feel crappy.

You know I could destroy my life. I could go back to who I was. But reality is..  that darkness. Is what terrifies me.

For real....

The pain I torment myself with. The people I've lost. The things I've done. I deserve darkness. But...

Im caring for this kid.

Recently my mom told me... that she talked to biological mother. And asked her if she was gonna get clean and come back for her kid. But she's so wrapped up. Wrapped up in addiction. She is not able to be there for him. She's not able to get clean.

Idk. I really hope she comes back. I hope she sees how beautiful this kid is and how much time and effort I put into being there for him.

As for family. Ugh family is the destruction of us all. My family. Who torments me comes after me for shit. Because I said or did something. And therefore I am a monster. I am the demon. I am the thing everyone needs to hate..despise. talk shit about.

Tbh it reminds me of that show. LUCIFER. When he's in hell sitting on his throne. 

My family or random think I sit on a high horse. Judging others or condemning them

Reality is. I dont even have people can talk too about anything. Of all things I've never let secrets out. Im not the type. But... idk

Loss

Losing so much. Feeling so shitty. I for real.. could have an should have broken free within the first year. Because I've literally been there. Stood by. And just enveloped in all things to support my partner. An after years of waiting... realizing that we apparently won't be the same people. 

It doesn't break my heart. But continues to remind me... thst I likely forever be alone. In a human race of people who strive to connect to someone. Belong to someone. I forever in nothing. Idk. Im feeling lost. Shadow of a human being. I couldn't change who I am. But I feel... I feel so idk. 

I miss who I was. I miss the people who were there. The ones who stood by me. Now I trust no one. I feel alone. And now my thoughts are consuming me in darkness. Im trying to get over it. But idk... my few of people I trust I cant trust. Idk 

monster in my head

You are nothing.

You are no one.

You are worthless.

I am not ok.

I am overwhelmed with thoughts. I been holding it in. Because its the broken record story. Ive once again asked my brother to depart from my life. I repeatedly asked to not share details about me or my kid. Due to safety concerns or just generally I am a private person. I found out he told a lot of people where my kid goes to school and the area where I live..

I also asked to keep my house clean. No drugs no alcohol. The way my mom raised us. To have my home be the safe space for me and my kid..

Instead my brother showed up drunk. And at first he apologized but then he started sending shitty painful messages hes now blocked.

But reality is... the broken record he spits about. Has been the same for ten plus years. 

I abandoned my family. As the most ranked family member who should have been there to protect them. I was off living my best life elsewhere. 

I regret being back. I know everything happens for a reason. But im drowning.

I give my life to my kid. An continue to raise him in values. But reality is. If he wasn't here. Neither would I. In the sense id go traveling to the places on my bucket list. And I would refuse to live close by my family members. Before my kid.  I lived far away that rarely did anyone would visit 

I just struggling.  I want to be free from this province. I want to move away. Live my life elsewhere 

I'm struggling with the family I was born into 

The constant idea cause I work or have a steady job and home. I get in trouble for holding a job? Iek

I'm tired.  But I'm ready to die. Ready to end it. Tired of these addictions I'm surrounded by. Tired of watching loved ones destroy themselves. An then blame it on me.

I want to be free. Ive been thinking about my main man Robin Williams. Last few days. Watching videos of his shows. All the joy and laughter an underneath so much pain and torment. 

So much pain inside that possibly few an less knew of it. For me I just hurt. Hurting. An I'm alone. Alone in the chaos this is the legacy

Bust thro to move forward until I can be rid of myself from 

survived it

I cant say everything that happened. But I know a lot of how I was. Was based on the power today hold. I'm struggling. I'm in a phase where I really miss being disconnected. Today someone posted a picture. Of a family gathering and my heart shattered. So much happened. So much happened. That was terrible an painful an stuff we don't talk about.

And I reacted. I feel. Overwhelmed guilt. Remembering thr judge say this was my fault. I want to go back and say hell no. Couldn't be my fault. How dare a judge believe this was my fault. 

I feel crappy. An I need this day to be over. Everything today was painful an I didn't tell anyone. An i did what I always do. And I cant even compare it to what it felt like. How familiar it was. An how release-ful it was. Idk I'm losing my mind I guess. And it is true a picture is worth a thousand words.  One picture. Destroyed my heart today 

days

For real.. of all days crappy days in my life. I have moments. Flash backs. To when my kid was younger. His smile. I taught him to stick out his tongue when taking pictures and those are my favorite. I'm always grateful that I am here for him.

Of all things that I've survived. All memories that fade from time to time. I still get to be reminded of the love this kid has for me. I try to prepare him for anything and everything. Still get to share stories... what it was like to grow up without food. Without love. And my kid gets both in abundance. I had started this routine with him to ensure we always start the day right. I try so often to check myself. To not yell. Not demand. To hurry up. Or move it. We just go at our pace. He does better and better.  But randomly at different times. He always says I'm scared your going to get mad at me. Even when it's an accident.  I dont even get mad. I just say clean it up. Shit can always be cleaned up. Dishes can be replaced. Clothes can be washed. I dont care about those things. But his self esteem still goes to I dont want you to get mad at me. And its hard for me to remember when I've gotten mad at him. What does his type of me mad at him that he thinks that ? Cause I dont raise my voice. I dont have facial expression. My face is the same always. Some people can express themselves thro facial through words. Through whatever.

For me I have to remind myself. Repeatedly. 

 Because for real its not my normal. Not my normal life to hold my kids hand. To say I Love You. To show love at all. Yeah I'm crazy

 But I was raised so shady. Parents in heavy addiction. Even as a teenager I ran away alot. I had a suicide pact with my childhood best friend. My life was garbage I had no desire to live.

My bitch face is my signature look of... me. Unapproachable psycho who absolutely wants to snap at every turn. Lol but I'm trying to raise this young kid. To love him. Fill him with all I did not have. But at the same time. 

I just want to raise this kid. To be good. To be strong. To be powerful to know. He can finish school an college wne change the world. 

Idk

We all want that. But we never know.

Of all days. Today's

Today. Is the day. Today is the day something happened that hurt my heart. Shattered my world.  And I usually want to climb mountains. Sit beside the ocean.

But today I came to work because I am not the person I was. I've grown. I've grown to accept. I am a failure. I am a screw up. I have made bad choices. I cant change what happened. I cant be better. I can be me. And wake up every morning. Appreciating this kid in my life. 

I appreciate the people in my life. 

I wanted to take this moment... as I do. 

To honor what happened. But to also. Say I'm ok. I know for me I did what was best for me. And I never forget what happened. But I live my life. I appreciate thr people who are with me. Who have stood by me. 

So much I dont deserve. So much I've done to hurt some people. But the people who are standing with me now. Are my people of greatness. 

Idk. 

We are here. I am still here. 

Moving Forward.