family

So.. for what feels like the first time. I am being put in a category that I don't feel I belong too. My youngest brother asked for my help. But for me instead of jumping at the chance.  I had to contemplate an weigh my options because the ask was large. 

Instead of my brother considering that I had to consider my kid. My life. My loss of what he was asking. Which of course is money 💰.  I didn't respond because I hesitated. I felt angry.

He knew I wasn't going shopping. Wasn't buying anything. Wasn't doing much to take care of me. But of course everything moon an stars for my kid. 

So I felt upset to hear that he was asking for money. And instead he assumed I was ignoring him. An blasted my family including me on FB. An obviously doesn't make me want to help any faster. Because his selfish choices are asking me a single parent to do something I wasn't sure I could do.

Its been bothering me. Because of all people I'll always support my shady family. Even when they never do much to support me when I need a day. When I wanna see a movie. Go for dinner. Go out for one night away from my kid.

For me. I work all day an when I'm done work I'm full time mom which means I do nothing to benefit myself. Take care of myself. .

What difference what it have made if I helped him. It's like we're all if you do this for me I'll do that for u. Instead of hey I wanna spend time with my grandson or nephew. It's never like that. Never consideration for my well being

And the reason I'm writing now is because the person! The one person I strongly believe these people are hurting. Taking advantage of. Or losing out on is my kid. They are losing out on opportunity to be apart of his life. To repeatedly hear that it's his favorite uncle. 

Do you know how much it hurts him. To have him know. I cant bring him over to grandma's house because his favorite uncle doesn't want to acknowledge or talk to me. An therefore the person that hurts or feels that pain is a little kid.

Who basically once. Worshipped the ground his uncle walked on. 

.it makes me upset. It makes me angry. Fine tell me I'm a terrible person.  Never speak to me. Don't care! Don't wall off my kid. That's fuckin selfish

.

today.

So... usually I'd take off today an do something for myself but I thought I didn't have one friend I could call to not explain what today was but that I just needed to be elsewhere.

An the other part of it is that I'm working a few different jobs right now. So I couldn't take the day if I wanted too. 

So I went to work an I was able to get So busy I wasn't even able to pay attention to the day. Now that my day of work is complete. My thoughts are about Karma.

Today I found a guy's wallet on the side of the road. An I helped him get it back. An on a complete other note one of my workers lost her jacket an two phones an instead of letting it be she went to search. An got it back.

The most unrealistic circumstances. It's always if it was anyone else. They'd have taken this or that.

But for me. I just couldn't steal from someone. I know what it's like to lose everything. I've had that happen an i just couldn't do that to someone..

An by choosing this. Good things happen as a result. 

It's been a day. A day where I'm feeling the weight the physical weight of the day and altho it's sunny an beautiful i feel exhausted. 

I'm grateful for how far I've come. I'm grateful for the life I'm given.

Someone brought a child to my office an I didn't have that giggly feeling that women or people get around children or babies. I didn't hate the little kid. But I also didn't wanna hold the baby or kiss the baby. It's not who I am. An now I'm a mom. But it wasn't planned. I always stood my ground of the world we live in.

There is so much chaos for any child an how to prepare them for all this chaos. I hope I do well but I'm also prepared to know I'm going to fail. 

Hopefully my kid will learn from his mistakes or at least recognize right and wrong. An know what's good or bad. An that he survives the end of the world. But other than preparing him there isn't more I could do for him. 

Idk. I just had to say. Thank you. Thank you for letting me live. Survive. An move forward. In all the darkness an pain there is light an today is a good day for karma. 

trauma past

I have to say this somewhere...

Which is crappy to do here. But... it's lingering

A week ago... my kid grandpa showed up for the holidays.  An my kid loves him.  Absolutely loves him. 

Every time... 

Every second

Every pain

Every trauma...

Every history I think I've forgotten....rushes back Every time I see him. 

I dont know if my memory is accurate... but what I recall.  Is that my mom cheated on my dad with this guy.

Not to say my dad wasn't out there doing who knows what. I only know what I saw while living with my mom. 

An when my dad died...

This guy got my mom pregnant. 

An while she was pregnant... he neglected us. He refused food to us. Refused to let us speak to our mom. 

An on several occasions got into physical abuse with my mom an my sister. My sister was also eight months pregnant. 

I remember telling my mom I'm hungry. Or we needed food. As he laid hrr up in hrr room an kept the door shut. An my mom wouldn't come. She didn't care.

An there was an occasion not long after my dad died.

From what my memory serves. He found out she was with someone else. An was broken-hearted 

An not long after he ended up dead in the dtes in stall in hotel.

Anyway

This guy...this guy who was with my mom

He would say horrible things to us. He refused to feed us. An he would lock us away from our mom.  An one time.. he said. "Maybe I should go stick a needle in my arm end up like your dad"

An that has stuck with me . 

I've never had to see this man as an adult. An I honestly grew up with so much hate in my heart. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to beat him up.  An when I became an adult. I realized how tiny this guy is. He cannot overpower me. An More so..both my brothers are like 5'10 idk an 210lbs. Their big guys. Who would never let anyone hurt Me

But when we were kids...

When we were kids..  this guy hurt me. He hurt me in scars in my heart that have never healed.

An now 15-20 yrs later.... my kid is calling him grandpa. An I love you grandpa

I'm trying not to kill him.  Trying not to hate him. 

Karma had found him.  An he is disabled to point if he had to go around a block an come back. He would get lost at the corner an who knows what. 

Like seriously disabled. 

So.. for me...

He is still that monster. He is still a target of all my trauma. Apart from the trauma before him.  

I hadn't as far as I remember... seen a man hit a woman until him. An he was violent. He was aggressive.  He was horrible.

An seeing him now..he's tiny. Fragile. An worthless.

But he makes my kid happy..

.so 

I fight thro my urges to smile an say hello. But man it's hard life.

Cause he brings it back like insanity. I hate him.  An cannot ever forgive him for the pain.. Torment.. torture. An neglect he put us thro. 

feeling taken advantage of

I feel like this is true for so many... but for me..

I've spent my adult life trying to give back to my community. Give back to my family. 

It super shitty honestly.

Alls they ever saw in my disappearance was that I abandoned them..took off to live a new life in Ontario. When reality was... I had given all I could an was ready to take my life. Because in my mind at that time.. was that I thought this was all my life would ever be. 

Constantly being belittled an tormented by moms new bf. And constantly giving up my young years or teenage years to take care of the family. Blah blah blah.

I didn't wanna run. I didn't wanna go across country.

But once I did.

Once I felt the world. Once I felt free.

I didn't wanna come back ever.

An even as I returned. All the turmoil. All the pain. This family had endured for years without telling me. 

An all the need I had to make up for leaving.

Was just too much.

Haven't I given enough.

My life for these past six years. Unbelievable 

My life... completely consumed by this kid.

All of everything I have. Everything I've done to be there for him. Give him everything. Even if I have nothing..

It's so difficult...

It's very true.. 

I could live off welfare. I could earn nothing an just get by.

 But apart from this kid.

I've spent approx 12 yrs of my life working this job. I've bounced around. But my name..my reputation. Have always been solid..

People who speak about me. Can't say I did them wrong. Can't say I said something an did another.

With cutting ties to most of my family. 

I've helped My life do better.

But then... there's my brother. Whom I've helped a lot. An I think about this... how much I've done for him. How much he's helped me. But at the same time.   Thinking maybe reality is he hates me. Because he tells stories. Tells lies. An behind my back he'd stab it for fun. As if not to say. I helped him. Helped him pay bills. Helped him get to a to b. Helped support him to do better.. encouraged him to stop living the way he is.

I have no idea what the word is....when these people. This entire family of mine. Not one of them has a paying job. They all live on welfare..

I vowed in my younger years I wasn't going to live on welfare. But...when I needed to go to school. I had to lean on social assistance. An it helped. But when I finished school. I got a job. 

Unfortunately I left Ontario sometime after to come back here... 

What my life would be today If I hadn't left Ontario. I can't even imagine it because.... my life here in BC has been forever.

I'm giving. Giving. 

An supporting. Encouraging. Etx. An getting shit on. 

Getting friendless.

Getting hurt.

Getting into a dark room.

Dark head space...where I think.....thoughts... but unfortunately I can't...I can't let myself be in that head space an for me to cope with that head space I have to react temporarily to survive.

Someone said I'm a terrible mom

Cause one day me an the kid were talking. An I told him I'm going to die.. one day. An he teared up. An got sad. An I tried to explain this was part of life. An that technically I already died...last year. An that it's just life. An he said he needs me forever.

I got sad.

Cause... in my dark head space. Dark thoughts.

I have to recall this to remind me. What I'd be doing to him if I wasn't here.

Not a clear reason to live forever. But a reason to make it through today 

That is all..

lost in space

Spent last few months unaware of how to properly do the job. I work every day trying to find structure trying to Find proper way of navigate In Between buildings.

Try to tell my team.  That I know what I'm doing without any direction.

I thought I was doing a great job. I thought I brought some structure some organisation for purpose. For the first time in months, I found that my team is going behind my back their talking to my boss about my leadership. Which jeopardizes my job?

Without navigation. Without a goal set in mind. I've spent my time aiming at things..programs. people. Trying to say this is what we're here for. This is what we do..just to find out that they either unintentionally or intentionally spoke to my boss who pulled me aside an told me to take a day off.. 

At first I thought wow. I finally get a day off work. But I honestly just have purpose everyday bringing donations. Bringing leadership idk

I rarely take time off work.

But being told by my boss to take a day off..makes me think someone is saying something.

I'm not too stressed about my job. An now I have to wonder who is speaking to him an what are they saying about me. 

I have all my guards up.. not that I didn't think I could handle these assholes. But that I thought we were on the same page.

It hurt... was a giant reality check. Of knowing that we aren't. That what I say to them. Is or isn't ok..idk..but to not follow protocol.. bs.

And my manager not following protocol. BS

Now I feel alone. Like.... I have no back up.. no one I can turn too. 

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed.

I know now moving forward. Trust no one. 

Which is lame.

I cant even get angry about what they said or did. 

darkness consumes

I've been struggling for a bit...with this pain. This itch. This desire. This hatred for being alive. I think i remember last year I was so grateful to be alive. An now here I am wishing I had died. Or could die.

The pain of living. Of being in this cycle. Having no real dreams. You know how some people dream of moving away into another country. Or want to Vacation in another city.

I have no desires. An even if I did. I feel tied down. Tied down to my life here. 

I had desires to move back to Ontario. But really why..  I wasn't living there. Like I didn't have a job.

I have desires to move up here. Like become a boss in the job I'm in now. 

I have this vision of doing better than all the years we been here. 

An yet

There's this darkness..  it's eating away at me. This desire. Burning desire to hurt myself. To feel pain. Because I feel like I've done so much for everyone. An I'm allegedly friends with so many an yet no one can see me. No one can see the person crying. Screaming for help. Because I' feel like just a shell of a person.

I hardly remember who I ever was. Or if I ever was anyone. 

I had a dream of an old friend. And all I thought yes of course I miss her smile an hugs an ILY. But why the hell was she ever in my life. The toxic shit. The codependency was what she likely was attracted too. I did nothing to help her I did no way support her getting out of where she was. It was a one sided issue. 

I'm losing my mind

No one knows me anymore. I look in the mirror an I dont recognize who is there 

I'm losing my mind..

I read a bs story about this idiot who was so poor etc. 

An thought my life was horrible too. But you won't see me spreading that shit anywhere.

I watched a movie called Bones of Crows. An I thought how much pain an trauma an perseverance. An dedication. The drive to survive through it all.

An to now decades later have a voice.

Alls I thought is I wish my uncles were here to see the movement. 

They both went to Residential School. They both suffered in unspeakable ways. An neither ever had children.

But they loved.   They loved with their hearts. They loved me. They fed me. They took care of me. 

When my parents were off fuckin up their lives they would come an bring groceries. McDonald's. They would make sure I never went hungry. Even though I did a lot. But sometimes I didn't.

An the love.  The love they carried. After surviving such pain. I'm moved..  I'm moved how did they know that love. Cause they loved us. They loved my brothers and I. They protected us. They fed us. An they were pillars of everything to Me.

An now seeing the world acknowledge what happened what happened to them an their not even here... they don't get to see our strength. Our love. Loyalty. Our honor to them 

I grew up without love as well. An somehow. Someway. It found me. It grew like a fire in my soul that has everlasting light. 

I love so much. I care so much. 

So much so that I'll rip my heart out for someone else if they asked. Because I am that kind of person.

An yet...

When I'm hurting. When I feel this feeling. This darkness. I'm trying so hard to fight it. My brain is remembering the matrix. When Neo touched the Mirror. It consumed him

That's what I feel. I feel like the darkness is breaking me down an that my desires my darkness is going to consume me. An I'm fighting. But I'm not telling anyone what is going on I just feel it. Struggle with it on my own. An no one can hear me. No one can see it. An I'm just.. I can't even cry. Alls I wanna do is bleed. Alls I wanna do is hurt. I want to do something so bad. 

I'm struggling 

Please find a way...find a way to keep moving forward. Ugh 

can't sleep

FAFO

I'm struggling to sleep I have so much crap rolling around in my brain 

I recently had my one year anniversary of my death. I died one year ago an was brought back.

In celebration of this

I got a new tattoo

Two days later I dreamt of someone I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I find myself sometimes thinking of her. Reminding myself of her laughter. Or her amazing love. Of standing by me. 

I dreamt of her. An its been engraved in me. Because idk..  idk why. But I can't get it out of my head.

And in that thought I ended up sending some pictures to my partner who's in treatment.

Almost to say I'm thinking of you an although I'm living my life. She is still with me. And I still want to share those moments with her.

An then 3 days later she called me

An now my heart is all flustered an I can't sleep.

I'm surrounded by all these thoughts. All these feelings. All these hopes. All these fears.. she asked to see me. For the first time in a while. 

It made me happy an scared

What if this. What if that. An who knows where seeing one another leads too. An why does she stay.

She currently serving to do better. Live better. Everything to be better. An yet she is clinging to me. Not like tightly but I guess has this idea. Has this hope for our future. 

An I'm out here living my life. Doing my own. Still completely with her like I'm not with anyone else. But I'm also not holding my life not pining away

An now she wants to see me. Wants me to visit. An I'm happy an scared. An what if I'm a disappointment. What if my hair is as crappy. What if she doesn't like this or that. Ugh

It's supposed to be a good thing.

A way to move forward

An I'm scared. 

I talked to a friend about that dream I had. An he said.. was toxic. An I'm like no 

When I guess it was... I relied so heavily on her. I clung to her for reasons to live but under the circumstances I think it made sense. 

But I didn't want that to be our forever. I wanted to be who I am now to who i was then.

But maybe you gotta let go. But maybe if I'm saying that maybe I'm saying that in more ways. Or maybe I'm just freaking crazy.

Cause I loved her. 

She was my world

She was so a reason to live

A reason to want to do better

But I didn't want her to be a forever thing.

I just wanted to appreciate that I had someone.

She had me too

Cause she came to me in her times of need. Sometimes anyway.. 

Dreaming about her. Was great but it made me miss her so damn much..it's the little things that she an I did. That I'm reminded... the person I used to be. Because who I am now...

She wouldn't even recognize me.

An my partner whom I've been committed too all this time. Who knows 

An what if she doesn't recognize me either

What is right. What is wrong. An what do I do.

I've always taken advice and been screwed over

My mind is racing. An I'm scared.....