Sweetly Broken

You hold the key

2011-10-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

WOWOWW!

It's been forever since I've written mainly because I no longer have much computer access, and also because I'm working full-time and overtime hours these days.
I'm happy to report something that has had me dumbfounded for so long. My father's death anniversary is today... And you know I noticed a difference in my life since a year ago!? A year ago I spent the whole month depressed, broken, lost even.. However in all of my own life.. The first time ever in my entire life of not having my father, I didn't get depressed, or drink or anything wreckless... I acknowledged his death, his life and I honored him in my own way, but I did not let his death anniversary pull me down.. This is the first time I felt whatever I needed to feel even though I love my dad and miss him beyond words, and wish so much that he were here.. I have been able to move forward and honor him, never forget about him, but not let his death control my life, my feelings or anything.

Other than that I am working alot as I said I am working full time.. I am still working on the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, and I am working with people who have struggled with homelessness, or addictions, I have been able to be someone there who says "you matter" I do this by being there everyday, and being as friendly as I can, and listening to them cause they matter too.
As for my relationship after a year and five months we are still together, we stopped celebrating anniversarys as it seems remembering these anniversaries has caused some drama, like we either have no money, or we both forget, or just something dramatic, or we break up and get back together and just the whole nine yards of the weirdest craziest best hard relationship I've ever had.. We are still living together and although our six month lease is up the end of this month, it seems like we are gonna stay and try continue to build a home together.

You know... I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about the past.. As I see the people I work around, the enviroment it brings a sense of accomplishment, not prideful but grateful that I am who I am, that I never had the struggle with these kinds of addictions or struggles. I dont know how i got where I am.. My partner said to me lastnight that the reason I am not the way every first nation person has ever been, is because I'm lucky, that I somehow found a way, a rare egg lmao. I know that without a doubt.. Something happened in my life and yet continues to happen in my life?!
I mean I remember the two years ago I tried to commit suicide I believe twice in one year, or the other incidents that happened in my life. It took this as my rock bottem for me to move forward and see that I have purpose and I may spend my whole life trying to define that purpose but I'm moving forward with out turning back. Not to say I am perfect, I have had my set backs and I am afraid of the future but I am more determined to live, appreciate living, and share my history of my life with those who struggle you know?!

I have felt broken at times and I have felt sad.. with my work I find that I may meet someone and know them for a few months or even few weeks, and than suddenly they are no longer in the world, they pass away.. And it's hard on me but Im learning that sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference in someones life... I knew that about two years ago from my BFF, but to live that kind of lifestyle.. Well it seems it takes me forever.

Im happy to report I seem to be finding my way in someway!

I have missed my family, my friends... and I have missed my social networks, social life.. But that I am moving forward, and Im taking care of my responsibilites.. I am doing what I must to keep on keepin on!

I miss writing more than anything in the world but I had just wrote a long ass email to my BFF so I don't feel like writing much more!! but I am grateful for who I am and what I've done, and hope to find my path, and what I'm planning on doing with my future! I am still trying to find a University that I want to attend, and I am still trying to figure out what my career would be,I always thought I knew, but I guess when you think you know something it all falls apart and lets me be more open to any an all opportunities of the future!

Thanks for listenning!

R.I.P Daddy! <3 <3 <3 you are never forgotten!

Another 24hours

Much love <3 <3 <3

sun will rise

2011-08-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

So the continued rant of my life.. The stressfulness of my life and the responsibilities of my necessities of life.. I feel overwhelmed yet again, frustrated beyond anything and worried about the future and all the things in my life...

Most of the time I can handle the struggles of my life,and really enjoy drama and events that cause choas in my life...

Currently feeling overwhelmed by money issues, relationship issues and just a whole load of garbage of my life...I don't know what to do anymore and what choices that I need to make.

My relationship is on a rocky road enough as it is,and than added stress of my partner choosing to drink and than losing all the money yet again.. What more do I need to say about the frustration?!
I know that I've been dealing with this for just over a year and before it was equal for us to provide food, and a future of taking care of our responsibilities... and now it's I moved out and still struggle with the same responsibilities... Im losing my mind and starting to feel my heart continue to want to give up..

Today my counselor told me that I can't change my partner that's something they must do on their own..These are words I know all too well...I know this...I know in my own self-destruction it wasn't anyone who could help me find my way out... It was my heart yearning for it, crying for it.. and it was only by my actions...that I became the person I am now...

And yet still struggling with the faults in my life..I don't know if I can do this anymore... Im struggling with drinking because I'm in a relationship where my partner drinks, but even when we aren't together the same tenancies arise within me to go out and drink...

If it's not drinking,well recently I hurt myself... For the first time in who knows how long...I found a way to not hurt myself again...How the hell am I going to turn my life around its like there is only so much strength within me to keep trying to get out of this chaos and yet I'm still stuck here...

I need some help, and I'm seeking help... but I'm currently struggling to find the right choices and decisions and move forward... Why did I do this to myself...What have I done to myself but put myself in all this dysfuntion and complete and at times of chaos...

I just need some strength, I need friends who will be here for me... Because I'm struggling beyond recognition.... and I'm scared I won't make it.. because it's starting to hurt too much.. constantly being pulled in all different directions, and my heart is crumbling before me...

Yet I keep telling myself this is temporary you know? I'll get through this beause someway somehow I find a way through all the darkness that continues to try envelope in my life.. I dont know what I've done to deserve the ability to survive but I'm clearly surviving and finding my way through this.

:'(

Lost in the mess

2011-08-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Since August 1, I have been moved out unfortantley I went back on August 4, a lack of ability to avoid my own feelings and tried to stay there...
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!

My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???

I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...

Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..

I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!

Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..

Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..

BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well the truth comes out...Im all moved out and struggling to move forward with my life...A piece of me is here trying to work this out in my own head, and my own heart... I don't know what to do...

This damn relationship meant the world to me...I was in it over a year and yet I'm almost being blamed for the cheating, or fall through...Its like really... are you kidding.. tell me this isn't real..
I spend most of my nights alone hiding in a room, in complete darkness... and I wish I wasn't here dealing with this... Im broken, I'm confused,I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm trying so hard to make sense of this...I wanted this to work, I wanted this to be forever but all the dysfuntion all the heartache, the arguing, and cheating, and of course the lies...well its too much for me to even try thinking about this being a good thing...I don't know what to do..

right now I feel lost...confused... and I wish I had the right choice and stayed with! I can't figure out how to let this go...I hate my life for this very reason... How can I let go and run away...

It hurts... It hurts... my heart hurts, and I'm not sure how to continue to move forward

The Beast

2011-07-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

All the colorful faces of the beast of me....Im worried about myself today and I'm worried about what I'm doing with my life.. Im beyond scared tonight... To be constantly here and working and working an feeling alone... I recently had a fall out with my mother and it's killing me just thinking of how rude I can be.. I need some help and I need to figure out what to do.. My brother's birthday is coming up this Saturday and I have money for his birthday... I want to do something for him and we are, we have decided to have a BBQ, and its great but a majority of the money is from me..

My drinking is getting the better of me, you know it's always been smoking was my friend an now I feel like I need both when I'm under stress, the alcohol is starting to take over my life againi, and I'm lost... I have tried to reach out but Im unsuccessful with my resoucres of help..What do I do now??? Where do I turn and who do I reach out too??>>

I can't believe my life anymore! I can't believe what I'm doing anymore and sometimes I dont even understand it you know? How have I got here other than the beast of me resurfacing in my life and I'm losing my mind... I have for the best two days besides work I haven't wanted to get out of bed unless drinking was part of the plan...

Whats considered a cry for help!!! I have lost myself in all my chaos of my life and I feel alone, even though I'm in a relationship there isn't any support there... Im alone and sometimes I remember why we were supposed to break up, and other times I forget, and it's like whats the right decision!

The stress of money is more overwhelming, and the stress of throwing my evenings away because I'm working well it's too much you know???
I have no friends, hardly any family and now I'm alone... I need a way out and I need to find myself again because I'm losing it

I know I had all these aspirations going to University and I still want too, but not like this, not when I feel unstable, and not when I don't feel I have the support... I mean going through school is so beyond difficult, but this schooling is for my career!!for my future... my real future...

HELP HELP HELP!!!

The darkness, the beast is flowing through me and reminding me of how alone I feel, and Im scared for myself... I know that I won't hurt myself physically, i won't kill myself, but you know when you get so low you start self-destructing in other way? drinking, drugs, and other things?

Well..lets see how everything goes..

work work work

2011-07-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

So its now the middle of July... I've been through a lot but I'm working like crazy these days, an I was also asked to stay for an extra three weeks... Im pretty stoked about this opportunity because I believe it shows my character of being able to withstand the sorts of situations I go through every day..

I still enjoy my work and I'm glad to have my job... I like working with people with addictions an hope that this experience will help motivate me to want to be the change I want to see in the world... I've met hundreds of people struggling with addictions, and I've had my experience with some, and with others they are happy to have me listen to their story and sometimes that's all it takes... Im really happy to be working in this industry..

As for my relationship well it hit a rock bottom yet again and like all other fall throughs there is a getting up, and getting moving into a life of greatness.. a lot of movement between the two of us to get work together, get back into school and start living our dreams.. I'm not sure if we will stay together forever but I'm certain I want to be a support, and someone who will always care.

Anyhow.. I shall survive...

My brothers birthday is coming up the end of the month, and I couldn't help but want to celebrate and I'll be paying for his BBQ and family time, and also helping buy him some things for his birthday.. I'm really glad to be able to have the money to celebrate his birthday he definetly deserves to be celebrated..

My older sister couldn't be in greater shape, she is near 7 months clean and I couldn't be more proud to have my older sister back in my life, she looks great, is healthy and she is working on finishing school too... I couldn't be more proud of my family, and wish I could be there for them, but I've learned that if I live my life to the fullest, and follow my heart, then eventually they shall follow.. .But the more I try save them, help them, or give them some kind of help it almost seems to cripple their spirit because they believe so much I would do everything for them and I have learned how much of a toll it is on my body, spirit and mind and I decided to stop and since than, well I couldn't be more proud..

Anyhow....I thought I'd give an update and remember how great it is to live my life fully, and to keep moving forward and look forward to the future...

MUCH LOVE <3

The day has just begun

2011-07-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

How do I explain my current self? I'm working five days a week now, different odd shifts but working at the most... Just today I was at a memorial for one of my tenants, and I realized how important it is to me to have my family and friends know how much I care for them.

I currently feel alone... Even though my work surrounds me with people I am currently feeling disconnected, there hasn't been much connection to the world,to my friends and family.
I feel like I move from one box of my house, to another box of work... I haven't had special time with those I care for the most.

I'm not depressed bu I feel I need some connection to people in my life..

I feel like I have so much stuff going on, and so much in my own mind... I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone, or be around anyone... Im constantly alone, repeatidly alone...

I don't regret my work because there are some good times here, but majority of my connection with people has its own limitations...

I need to start getting back into the real world and I hope that I find my friends and family members soon because I need some connection, as well as some guidance...

another new beginning

2011-04-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

How do I begin with my current life and issues?

I cannot even begin to say what's going with my life and how frustrated I am with everything that's going in my life..
However Im very happy to say I feel like I'm walking a new path of greatness.. As most know I was working in Construction for such a long time, and finally an opportunity came out about working on the Downtown Eastside. Since I was kid I have always wanted to bring my greatness back to the community of the forgotten people living on the Downtown Eastside.

Although this opportunity is quite small Im starting to see the opportunities come about the future opportunities to show greatness of my life.. One question I was asked how do I associate with the Downtown Eastside. I have grown up in Vancouver and I was mostly raised on the Downtown Eastside, things like drugs and alcohol don't phase me as dangerous because I believe in people and their goodness of themselves people who have forgotten the traditions and cultures of humanity.

I was also asked how I felt about Abroginal First Nations on the Downtown Eastside, how I might have an understanding about them. I certainly do... I don't judge people by their addictions and emotional issues, everyone has a right and reason to say anything or be anyone they want to be. My main goal is to let people know that it's possible to rise from the darkness into true greatness..
I have always had my own struggle as my readers would know and sense my inability to stop self-mutilating, and stop drinking. These my struggles that I feel I could live with forever without proper help.. For those who may have had a history of cutting it's definetly something hard to let go of, and unfortunately I will forever live with scars on my arms from my own history. The true strength within me is to not be ashamed of these scars, and not allow them to control my life and define who I am... This was a struggle in my life that I have recently overcome with greatness... I can be the change I want to see in the world...

I have so much to give to the Downtown Eastside I am very excited about this job opportunity and only hope for goodness from it. I know that there will be some struggles a lot of them, and I probably won't be liked by some but by others I could be a great friend, great worker.

Im really hoping with this job that I will the opportunity to work with people Downtown because it's something I hope to one day do in the Future. I'm not certain right now what that future is but I know if I am going to be living in British Columbia than I definetly want to be working Downtown helping people and supporting them, and reaching out for them, and hopefully one day helping them get the help and treatment they need if they ever desire it so much...

Unfortunately with all things there comes a price... Due to some unfortunate events last week and some misunderstanding of my roommates, we have had to change our arrangements of our housing situation, and that means that I am now starting a new job and looking for a new place to live... So hoping that it will be something good for me and won't drown me back into the lifestyle I have fought so hard to stay away from... I need to move forward with my life no matter the circumstances and I need to believe in myself and my ability to continuously walk away from the things that are going to drown me back into a lifestyle I no longer want to see...

Well it's time to go... I have a lot left to do for the day... Im really glad I was able to write because sometimes I feel like it's the only way I hear my thoughts and know that what I'm saying is for real...

Another 24 hours

be true to your dreams

2011-03-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

One full week out of work... what shall I do? Find a new job lol I have been working for almost six months as a construction labourer/who also can do traffic control... I'm getting paid just enough to make it by... This isn't the life I want to live. I want to be full of abundance in knowing that I can do so much more.. School is still on my mind and it feels like it's just around the corner so thats what I'm making my way too... I'm struggling financially and I'm also going on a spur of the moment and getting a tattoo done on Friday... talk about no money I'm going crazy to just go and get a tattoo.. Im still in a very dedicated relationship and we are also heading out this weekend for a good time away from the big bad city... Im needing a break from everything in the city, from daily routine.. So this my chance and I'm taking it!! talk to you soon! <3 much love <3 <3

hardly the beginning

2011-02-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

So it's been more than a few months that I haven't been on here.... I apologize... I have had a job now for a while and so I have been beyond lazy to go to a computer and even when I see one now... I think man thats too much work to deal with so I avoid it all together...

However... I feel that my support system has collapsed, and my relationship is ok, and work is taking it's toll on me. I'm needing to write and I'm needing to vent without judgment and needing to be straight up

I'm doing good without a doubt I'm working and I'm moving forward and making a good thing happen at work... I mean there have been times and moments where I thought I would lose my job, or that I wasnt working good enough pace... However I believe that I am a valuable asset at work and because I have my certifications I am really great worker..
Everything else has come into my mind that I have consumed myself in my relationship and trying beyond all things to be there and spend time, and love and be patient etc... That I completely and utterly forgot about the aspects of my life...

My life isn't defined by relationship, and it's not who I am to be neglectful to my friends and family... Just recently my partner got the weekends off so that would be our time together... so for all other areas I need to start concentrating on the things that make my life whole, that make me feel whole and those things are time with friends, time with family, making appointments so I could get rid of my dizzy spells, and start to taking care of myself..

My routine has always been work home food and sleep... and its worked except that I hadn't made time for my friends, I hadn't made time to be there for my family... The whole concept of my choice to move back to Vancouver was to there for my family.. and without even knowing it completely for the first time ever... I seen my older sister someone I have been so used to watching her mess up her life in drugs and hooking on the streets...and now she is cleaning up her life, she isn't downtown, and she is trying so hard to get off the drugs... do you know how great that is for me to see? I didn't believe her at first but than when I seen her for the first time on Sunday, I was totally... in awe of how great she is looking and how much work she is doing on herself, she is taking care of herself, and she is totally trying to get drugs out of her life... and I need to be supportive of that in her life because she is and always has been a huge part in my life and now she is getting clean and I'm not there...
I have been so consumed in all my fears of my family that I have made the decision to be distant but before my eyes I'm seeing the greatness developing in them all in their own ways they are all coming to their own...and I have been gone..and this needs to change...I need to find the time to see them, to be there for them...

My friends....well my friend. I only have one friend that I can rely on and trust her with my life... well every time we have hung out it was always with my partner...and I don't mind that but I haven't had time with her and last night...In my weakest moment she came through for me and I'm here and I'm enjoying the time I have with her and I'm able to see the greatness I didn't let myself see before...
There are things that are going to have to start changing in my life so that I'm open and available to others and I'm making time for myself and the people I love...

I have come into question about my relationship... I haven't ever seen it before but I guess I'm starting to see it now... There are some things that need to change... I have always made it about myself, and I haven't even asked how are you baby? or how was your day? nothing I have been so consumed in being self-centered that very quickly I can lose my relationship because I haven't been that supportive, or that patient, or even been all there... So there are so many things that I need to work on...

I'm slowly learning these flaws in my life and trying to find ways to cope with them, or hope that I could be a better person, find the ways of being a better person, and continue...

Im in love with my partner there is no doubt about it because if I wasn't well I wouldn't be going back tonight to try and deal with these things that came up...
I'm not sure what I need to do to make things back, but I have to find a way through this and be determined no matter what happens I'm going to be there, and I'm going to keep my sweet love alive and just find the ways to be better...

Im so exhausted already I can only hope that I can continue to write because as I write this now so many things come to mind and i see that I have a lot to work on...

Thanks for listening

If anyone does read this that lives thousands of miles away... I want you to know how much I miss you, and adore you! I have thought so many times about my dear friend in Germany, so many thoughts and much love to all of my friends in Ontario... I cannot believe how abruptly I left but I don't have any regrets except that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Until my next entry
much love!

Long Term

2010-11-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

The future holds many opportunities...Many things that can be good, bad and ugly..

I have finally got myself back in gear with my life... At this very moment I am surrounded by a truly amazing lady, my lady... I cherish her, and treasure her beyond what words could ever be explained... I honestly love that she knows me more than anyone ever could, a depth of a friendship that after all the trauma of the last year of my life, to have her stand by me now... and forever...

I was working for a few days and finally got the perspective I needed about a work site and how great it was... No drinking and no drugs which I have needed for so long, I remember my work last year or so how difficult it was and how much it hurt... How much I hate remembering those things but now a new beginning right here..Even if I dont work there now the idea that a work site exists so greatly and perfectly was awesome...

Other than that I'm in a program now to gain some new skills... To figure out the future and do things like get my life together, and get a job that is actually worth doing... I cannot wait because I really want something to work out for me...It's been forever since I got a job and was able to enjoy my work, enjoy making money..

My relationship has stood strong even in the brokenness that exists now it will be ok because I believe as I did before this is truly greatness. I know and believe as I did all this time that this is love a little conditional but still limitless in the aspect that love is always there and it is love that carries us through the dark moments, and love that brings us through this...

I have believed so strongly that greatness can be created in my life... I have no doubt and no denying the greatness that surrounds me now, I still have the same fears I did before...With greatness comes tragedy and this is something I still have to work through, I sense and realize the person I am letting myself become is the scared 10yr old who is afraid of happiness...and for that I am beginning to find ways to disrupt my future..What will it take to get through this? to get past these things.... I dont know how to not self-sabotage... so I will have to find the self-knowledge to carry myself through these fears and get back to the person I am meant to be and that is a great leader.

Well I hope that things work out the way my head has planned for it, and that my thoughts don't become my reality...

Well I better go Im enjoying time with my lady!!

laterz

Connections

2010-11-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time since I have been on a computer or even away from my love...

So much has happened in the last 12hrs that has got me going crazy with fear, frustration, hurt even if it can be possible... I'm beyond confused and I feel like I'm walking into a trap you know? I'm going to be facing something I have never done before, the approval of someone who means a great deal to my love...

In the last 12hrs I have cried my eyes out, and been working for two days now...and even though I wasn't all there I still went to work because there was nothing left to do... I have been at my moms now for a day an night and all's I want to do is go home but there is so much fear in it you know? How do we or I undo everything that's been done? how do I make this time perfect?

I have to find my way before the time is up and I see my life flashing before my eyes? is it a good thing? is it a bad thing? how will i truly look if I walked back into that place?

So lost and I can't even write anymore because my skills and desire for writing has vanished... I have done so many things that aren't like me...that I'm not sure how to survive anymore but I'm doing what I can to stay afloat..

laterz

Superman

2010-07-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

With a heavy heart I write these words as the deepest of words I could ever write... This is one of those times that people that love me would say the words that have been lingering within them "I told you so" these words would be of no comfort to me....
I have fought for a week about my situation to try get there and try my best to fight to stay alive, fought to get things together for myself and find a way through this moment that I am struggling with now.... I have allowed myself to be consumed literally consumed in something that has become destructive to me....

With a shaking hand, and a quivering lip I write these words as tears roll down my eyes... How could I put myself in this situation? Is this really happening to me??? Of all people this is me!

Jessie the same Jessie who has fought for over a year now to stay alive, to fight for my heart's desire... The same Jessie that finished College, the same Jessie that has been here... fully hearted Jessie here now writing these words.

I have believed in life... I have believed in it enough that suicide is no longer an option, that I will fight until the death and even then my heart still be beating after all of is over because I will never lose faith in the ability of others to make it through all they are trying... It has been my desire as I walked the Downtown Eastside today I seen myself...All in blue walking those streets giving a nod to each person I walked by, an one day stopping and saying hi my name is Jessie I work for..... oh ya you know... I understand your situation and I'm here to tell you that I believe in you.. I believe in your ability to make it through every difficult circumstance you are currently facing...
To be someone great... to be the leader that's within me to be... Well it means to recognize the mistakes I've made, the choices and decisions that have nearly caused and felt the death of my heart... And yet you know what I have never lost my heart I just get lost in all that surrounds me an for the first time while I am sitting here seeing so clearly the situation that is before me... And I know now for real that I am getting consumed by destruction....

A destructive path I have never felt before, a place I have never been an a place that I cannot even describe to be truth...
I see it clearly and I see what I have done and I see that the world as it should not be and I need to get out of all of this... I need to find my way through this just as I have for so long...

You know....

Today it took someone that has known me for about a year while it took her words to say to me.. I have been through worse this might feel trapped, might feel like I have put myself in between a rock and a hard place...reality is that it might feel that way but I've been through hell an back. I have survived some of the most painful memories of suicide attempts, I have been destructive on my own, and I have fought...This year to get through school and i did successfully and finally after all this fighting this time around I am able to say fully I am going in the path that has been meant for me and I'm going to get there....
Unfortunately I am being wounded... For one of the first times I'm feeling as I wish I hadn't... I'm scared and I have never felt this kind of fear before and I don't know if I am fully capable of getting through this but I hope/wish and desire for something to work out... Find a way... find the will to be all that I've been meant to be..... I need help... I need some serious support and I need to get through this even if it's the last thing I do... It won't be the last thing I do though it will just hurt, and it will be difficult and I'm scared of getting through it but I'm more afraid for my life of staying in this difficult darkness...

I want to thank all those who have helped me, who have heard my situation and told me this is it Jessie... This is where I choose very clearly what it is meant to be alive, what it's meant to know my heart and move forward... to walk the path that's been laid out for me...

I will get there... I will still remain and I will find a way because guess what that is what Jessie does is gets through all these events in my life...

Until than I am here... broken, shattered but surviving because I am an feel like Superman always conquering of the evil that's within the situations here..

Laterz <3

difficulties with death

2010-07-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I will start off sharing a little about my cousin Kaleb as it is one week ago he passed away... He was in a car accident a week ago and it is the most difficult thing I felt I've dealt with his passing away. He was only 21yrs old....I have spent numerous amounts of my time in Mission sharing in the mourning of the passing away of a family member. Although I don't remember Kaleb that much I do remember some times that we spent together when I used to visit them as a kid... We would play on the computer back then the computer was still just the little tiny thing and the stick you used to play games... I was at the place they all grew up in an as I stood there a warm feeling enveloped me because I knew that even though I don't remember specific times I know it was fun times and that's probably why I can't remember. Kaleb will be deeply missed RIP cousin..

So for the past week I have felt like a multitude of eruptions of being overwhelmed by living situations but not fully aware of them because I don't feel fully capable of dealing with all my family stuff, and still trying to get a job, and keeping my roof over my head. It has been a difficult task or toll on my life just to try move on with my life and still trying to cope with the death of someone so young, and someone who was my family member... I have without a doubt been by my families side helping arrange things, and helping be a support to my auntie...

I have come back to Vancouver and honestly life doesn't seem the same at all... and the only desire I have is to fall apart, to let myself drink, let myself get hurt in some way just to try get away from all that I am currently facing... Thankfully it's not a year ago and I am not the same person I once was... I have changed and I am different, I have become more aware of myself and my own limitations. So here I am on a Friday night trying my best to be productive and apply for jobs, and allow myself to feel any an all emotions that must be present at this time...

I have been in a relationship for just over a month and I have never felt so supported and so just feeling like this is something rather than nothing. I have enjoyed having someone in my life who is there for me, who acknowledges me and my own limitations... I have rarely allowed myself to be as known as I am now but I also am aware that this person doesn't seem to be in my life as destructive relationship all over, but something that may be more than anything.. I have really appreciated the support of my partner, and I have also been a support to my family members.. Today is the first time I have taken time for myself and it's half ass time because its evening but I'm able to be here for me and try my best to carry on as best as I can.

I finished school and although it's a great thing to accomplish something I also feel very lost because I miss school and i miss being part of that family, and being a part of one of the best schools in BC. The Justice Institute of BC was a real transformation and it is true what a friend of mine said about being in the presence of Police Officers they were in training but even their presence just brought on some fear that I had done something wrong. I look forward to one day changing that view and holding my values, beliefs, and traditions so closely that I never lose my heart on the job and I always acknowledge who I am and where I'm from...
Being out of school even though it's only for six months while it feels like a lifetime and I think it's only been about a month... I really want to go back and although I won't be going back to JIBC right away, I will look forward to my return there... I know that if they had what I needed with the degree I would've been there...Unfornately the path has led me elsewhere and I will be looking forward to attending (fingers crossed) Simon Fraser University as it has degrees and it's also the school my uncle Henry attended which is one reason, but the other is that their degree program seems promising.

Apart from school, apart from relationships, and apart from dealing with death....

I find that I am able to be here fully... Not fully present, and not fully taking care of myself but so sure that I am going to make it no matter what happens I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, and I am more aware of my weaknesses, my old habits and I'm able to make changes and be all that I can be just to be present, and live my life to the fullest extent. It seems so strange as I write all these words... To be someone who is moving forward in my life regardless of my state of just external life issues I am able to feel grounded and feel like I'm going to get through this....

While I don't know... It's been a difficult day as I have spent it alone,and it's Friday night and all my friends are out drinking and just making those choices and decisions that grows within me to desire it...and yet even in that weakness I am going to head to my moms for a very short visit before heading home and relaxing and enjoying my peace of mind that I have made the right and productive decision that drinking is not my decision, and not my life anymore...especially if it's only to taste the bitter taste of escaping from my life...

If only I knew more people who didn't drink, if only I knew that I could enjoy my life with others... than I would be out right now but unfortunately this is not the case for me at this time in my life but one day it will be...

Until than I am here and I am alive and I am aware of all I need to feel

Thanks for listening

Laterz

Procrastination

2010-07-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

I can hardly describe the circumstances since I finished school it seems to have been a blur of things I was doing and not doing. As of this past Monday I have been completely distracted by some new youth here in Canada came to us from Greenland/Alaska they are so awesome and I really enjoy being around them and appreciate all the time I was able to spend with them.
I have been in a relationship for a month now... I must say it's all new and has taken some getting used to be able to share my life,my goals, and my future with... Lastnight my partner met my lady and I'm not sure of the expeience for either of them...

I am looking into Security Guard Training to help benefit my career choice and can only hope for the very best results on that one... I have been struggling to stay focused, it's been such great weather that I hardly realized how fast time had flew by... I am happy to say that even though I was very distracted in two days I was able to get all the paper work done and can only hope that it works out... I think it would be great on my resume and great for the big guns to see how much effort I've made to get where I am going.

The weather in Vancouver has been absolutely amazing, extraordinary and a little overwhelming but I've been pretty productive... Today was honestly the first day I rested, and I was able to get all my work done and I was able to be productive and just be right... Tomorrow will be another experience because I will be at the Pow-Wow in Squamish not normal for me but another job opportunity, something that will make my resume look good.. All this volunteer work, all the youth experience, and just being available to my friends...well it will pay off and I will get there!!

It's been confirmed as well... As of the 16 of July for the first time in a long time I am going to travel with my lady... we are going to head to Fort St.James and even as I say it my heart skips a beat... For the first time in years I have a strong desire to go to my father's grave site and hope to only have good energy and share stories of how great he was, and just honor him in that time... He was amazing, extraordinary... and when I think of how far I've come in a year... I know he is looking down on me being proud of the woman I am becoming!
I'm planning on finding the money, and time to go and create a new grave thing it's not stone it's just wood well I want to make a new one and bring it to his site and just honor him.. A few weeks ago I seen a picture of my father's grave and it was ok sad moment, but i realized his wood thing that has his name and birth/death its falling apart so it's my desire to head up there to bring him a new one... I'm undecided if I want to see my dad's family but as time continues on I will see how it goes...and I know my heart/soul will make the right decision from there...

For one of the first of many times in my life...I am looking back at this year of my life... How far I've come... how clear minded I am...and how much I am determined that no matter what happens I will survive,and I will get there... I think that's what I like about hanging out with these youth is that they keep that side of me inspired... they have no idea how fantastic they are and how much it means to me to be a part of their lives...
Unfortunately the downfall is that I won't be going on Tribal Journey's this year.. With all this creation of secuity guard training, and taking care of myself... well I just have too much to do and no time to get away... I hope that once I'm certain my rent is paid, and that I am secure for the training while Tribal Journeys will be the first place I attend.
I miss it.. Even being around the youth as they go out in the Canoe my heart skips a beat and I realize how much I miss it... I hope that it works out but if not I realize now how much Tribal Journey's means to me and I have to plan for it next year...

Well I just wanted to touch base it's been a long time since I wrote in my journal and even as I write I am so surprised to hear myself say everything is going good, and I am moving forward in my life... I am accomplishing everything in my life and I am mving forward... I am proud of myself...

Thanks for listenning :)

MILESTONE

2010-06-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

FINISHED SCHOOL! TODAY I'M DONE SCHOOL! NEEDED TO SHARE IT!

A whole year a whole year is now over!!

Thanks everyone for their support without my supports I might not have been able to make it here!!

Lots of love to my lady your the best and you helped me so much!!

CELEBRATE BABY! CELEBRATE!

respect

2010-06-16T16:42:00.001-07:00

So.. This is on my mind and seeing as I haven't found anyone I could talk to understand what I'm going to say I might as well say it here. One experience one thing I have always had since moving to Vancouver and its been something that I don't try work hard toward, or anything.. I have always been given respect not because of my status, or the people I know...But because it's just who I am... I never disrespect anyone unless I have been given that kind of hate... While this is something I experienced for the first time today and I know exactly why it's there... So I will have to once again decide what's more important to me? This is where the life of this person of me stays where I am or where I'm going.
The events of now really affected me and I don't see point in that you know? You know what it's like? it's as if I been spit in the fuckin face. As if I did anything wrong and to be given that kind of disrespect while what the hell is this all about?

The events of yesterday yes pretty messed up, childish, stupid and just not part of the life I want to live... the response to my feelings while it was pretty shitty and the outcome...while the outcome was that whatever it was...and because of that the ripple effected of us has now come through to the people... the people will decide whether we stay, we move, we mark, or anything and right now... that had really effected me... no matter the state of mind, no matter the circumstances in life.. if there is an opportunity to been given respect, no it's not even about giving it...it's always been there and because of this one incident it's all over and I'm sitting here thinking... is this really worth it? if this is the effects of what's happened over a little argument.. imagine what will happen when and if things fall through?

No one could see.... what I see... I can't even write about it because it's just useless information and I'm really angry.. You have no idea how much that was not deserved and how much It's been hard enough for me to be where I am, and who I am.. and it's like what's the point? Whats the point now?

It is what it is... this might be a good thing.. a way out of all that I feel... or a way out of all that I am and all this garbage of the person I used to be... and the person I'm meant to be! so will see how it goes...but I needed to write that it made me feel belittled, alone and totally disrespected that was not except able to be and I am trying to work through it..

intervention

2010-06-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote I said that I was scared or that I was supposed to do things slowly..

What's bothering me more than ever is that I'm told that I have revealed the most passionate part of me, the most vulnerable piece of me... This has put fear in my heart... lol can you believe it? I am told that I have magnificently revealed my heart and pretty much just waiting to get hurt... How to recover from this? I don't know... How to turn back time so that I am not revealing this piece of me I don't know.
I didn't like hearing this...and now that it's planted in my mind I'm starting to get terrified this is not what I wanted you know? I am not ready for the revelations of my fragile heart.. I really enjoyed the topics of today talking about how in the last year I finally have said "I don't care what everyone else thinks" I have finally come to a place of not attaching to others... I mean the biggest blow to my life was losing my cousin and since he has gone while I just don't trust anymore... and yet I am told that instead of following my instinct that this had to go slow... I'm told I just pretty much laid my heart out for all to see, and because I have been told this while I'm in the destructive state finding a way to get my heart back...

I'm terrified of what will happen... How will this play out...

I don't even want to talk about it... I really want to focus on my goals the things I have set out to do for myself... These are the reasons others are attracted to me, these are the reasons that I am cared for in this extent, it's because of my life experience I can be who I am and I could walk the line the way I do!

So I'm going to stop with this drama of the people in my life and share what I just found out and how I plan to apply this into my life and my career choice.. this is how I get rid of my anxiety :)

So It's been an idea for a few months now that I would try and find time or just find a way to give back to my community in a way that entails how I've come to where I am now..
Someone a couple months ago implanted in my mind the idea of working at a crisis center not working but volunteering my time there... so after a long haul I finally looked it up to see if there was an opportunity! Unfortunately I will have to wait another year because it says I have to have not tried to commit suicide in 2 yrs... Sadly enough lol it's only been a year since I got the 34 stitches in my arm.
But in reading the information of the kind of experience I will have... While being able to share with youth the presentation side of a suicide attempt...To be able to be someone who can share with them my experience and how much after all this fighting, all this let down, all this joy, all this pain, all of everything!! I am able to here...I'm able to share my heart, able to be real... and I don't regret that time in my life but that I am glad that I was able to find ways to make it through to be where I am now..

I want to make a difference.... I want to be someone that others can turn too! I want to be someone who is not ashamed of my history!! I want to be someone who can lay all these cards these shameful cards on the table...and say... you were saying????? Lots of people think that I am almighty of a strong woman, a strong goal set mind!! What were the sacrifices for these things? What did I have to do to get where I am now! Don't tell me that I am strong because I'll show you in all ways how I'm not perfect, how I am weak, and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I am HUMAN! Imperfect, feeble little me!! I am capable of surviving just as much as anyone else is! And I am here to say yep.... it's just! I failed, failed, failed and than I kept trying, trying and trying and look at where it's gotten me?

These are the passions of my heart, these are the reasons I love my life... The reasons I am appreciative of the life I am living! I am worth it! I do deserve it! and I believe it more and more everyday I am alive! This passion!! is a passion for youth, a passion for people who have found themselves in a dark place, and feeling like there is no way out!

Look at my life! Look at my life more closely and see that I had every reason and I mean EVERY reason to not be here...It only took ONE REASON for me to still be here today!

It will be alright... I will get there!! I will wait another year and in this year you better believe death is not looking for me, and I have no desire for it!! I want to make a difference I've been on this road of my journey wanting to make a difference! Let me show you how powerful I can be! I will get there and I honestly can't wait for that!!

Everything else is temporary...

But seriously...is there anyway I could get my heart back? cause if I don't.... While I'm going to scare myself out of this and than I'm going to ruin everything because I was the stupid idiot who revealed the most feeble weak piece of me...this is too vulnerable... too uncomfortable... I need to get myself back together... find that balance because if I don't find that balance I'm sorry to say I really don't believe I will make it! I won't be able to be a friend, a confident to the person I am with now...and if that falls apart..while I don't even want to talk about the repercussions of that...

Wish me luck as I continue on with my journey of finding myself continuously! loving it good and bad!! I will get there no doubt!

It is what it is!! <3

Charmer

2010-06-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

Write truth... be honest about myself and my situation... So here it goes... I won't reveal as much as I might need too but I need something to help me get out of this mindset and start getting back into my goal setting of the things I have meant for me in the near future...

Recently I met someone... I can't even describe to you in what ways I was attracted and how so strange it was... so unavoidable... I started chillin with this person and hanging out... and than without even thinking I did what I always do... and instead of establishing boundaries or even allowing myself to realize this has to become something more than this... It could have been more than this but I screwed it... I screwed it up by lying, by being the person I used to be. And now I'm finding myself in a position of trying and desiring to let go and I can't...

I need help.... I don't know what to do... I can't imagine how I could really get myself out of this mess.. and it's so stupid! I'm such an idiot for thinking that I could ever be ready to meet someone or that it could work in some ways when reality is... I'm an idiot since moving to Vancouver, no since I left Sean in Ontario I've pretty much allowed my stupidity, my desire for attraction, connection to interpret my relationships...Giving into my desires and the only person that gets hurt is me because I'm that low and that stupid!

I'm guilty and every time I have to think of it!! Do you know what happens to me! I grow anxiety because i know everything that's happened is wrong and I really messed up and there is no way of getting through this. How could I allow myself to be put in this place and to be in this place and so scared! so scared of truth, so scared and so ashamed of the choices I've made and the desire is growing in me to screw it all up and it's on my game plan because what's the point you know? i screwed up so lets see how far it can go

I know I'm not thinking in the right frame of mind... but I really messed up!

I'm supposed to write the good! So here is the good!... I met someone that I am attracted too and whether we can recover from this shit we pulled the last four days I'm not certain... I am certain I don't want to leave this person, nor this person leave my life either... I think that even if things have gone wrong I think we may have a lot to offer each other in a friendship way or something of that sort... I don't know.. that's stupid but the whole point of entering into this was that we were going to just be friends for a while get to know each other as this is the way I'm told is how to get to know someone... to set boundaries and just all this stuff I never knew of! I never allowed myself to be open to this idea of seeing someone and now that I haven't while now I'm in a place where I realize the consequences of not setting limits and I'm scared of the outcome more than anything I'm scared to walk away from it!
Either the good is that I met someone... someone I feel like I've learned a lot about and the more I learn the more I desire, and the more I desire the more I realize how lucky I am to have met someone in this place and just... trying to find balance after allowing chaos to happen...

So... regardless... i guess I'm talking this through trying to find a way to work this out in my mind so that I'm not where I am and i could find a way to be where i can be without these problems.. I really have really really disrupted truth in my mind and I'm trying to find a way back from it so that i'm not where I am you have no idea how much I need to not be where I am..

I can't self-destruct... i can recover from everything that's happened and if that means letting that person go for a time while maybe that's what i need to do! How to be ok with letting this go is the more difficult thing for me.. it's always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do! so I'm scared and I don't know if it's possible or even if it is can I or do I really want to do this!

I wish I could scream really loud because my chest hurts, my head is full of thoughts... I need to focus and just try my best to be ok! Writing about it didn't help either it just made me more afraid, and more scared and more so turmoiled!

live it

2010-05-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

The choices and decisions I make now will effect my life forever... so each day I always try consider the right things, but have to give myself grace that I am definitely beyond anything I'm human... My standards for myself are pretty extreme and I get pretty crazy.
Thankfully someone today finally said something that really helped me through the difficulty of yesterday... Forget what other people think of what I should do with my life... If I deny the future I've been fighting for than I will imply that I deny my heart's desire, and if that happens while than living my life for whatever other reason for whatever other way is a lie... Cause I'm not being true to myself...
So now I decided that this is the life I want to live... No matter what happens I will get there until than I will fight to get there... I have to be reminded that everything I chose now is going to effect that future of mine...

I can't believe it though you know? How much someone else's words and influences can effect my lifestyle, my choices, my decisions, and my future... I can't believe that.. and I wonder how many other people in the world are effected by the limitations of others... That bothers me and last night I asked my sister what she would do if someone said she couldn't do something.. You know what she said? she'd do whatever it took to prove them wrong!!! Did I mention how old my sister is? she's 13yrs old... and yes I had the thought in my mind but I had to allow myself to consider the person that said them, and the place I'm at in my life right here and now... so that's how it effected me.

I finally got the perspective I needed and I've got myself reaching out to the people I need to so that I can create the life I want to live yet again. The obstacles I am currently facing are the major facts that people will always tell me that I can't do it... Not just as a First Nation's person, but just a person in the world who has the kind of history of lifestyle choices as I do... I can't allow these things to corrupt me and my heart, my place in life... I've got to fight beyond this and hope for a better future...

I talk and speak and walk in the things I say mean and do... lol I am not up for this game of trying to reconsider my career choice... I know that regardless yes I will find a backup plan with all the qualifications I will have!! I am certain I will find the right place in my life of what I want to do...
For right now until the future comes to whatever it is.. I will continue to go in the direction I am going into..

Today was pretty good...Finally... even though some of the small things.. today was good because I was able to let go of some of these limitations of the lifestyle I am choosing to live, and also was able to consider that all that matters is the life I choose to live.. if I decide this future is what I want to do than this is what I want to do... and it's only natural for me to face people who can't seem to acknowledge the fact I will get there and I will do better than anyone ever could have!

I'm at the moment trying to consider my papers, presentations for school... I know that I want to choose someone that I haven't thought of because I have written about so many great people in Vancouver, so many great people in my community... I am hoping to choose someone who was a leader to me, and someone who inspired me to become who I am now... without actually having to say it but acknowledge their qualities of leadership and enlighten them.. I mean I dont think I would have ever thought myself ever being someone who is a leader...it's a natural thing in my system... Its just who I am and what I do... the choices and decisions I choose to live by and become a good mentor, role model for youth, for anyone really... I just want it to be someone who I considered to help me through some stuff and helped me see the qualities of leadership or being a mentor.

See how it goes... I also am supposed to be reading the required material for the course.. something I'm trying my best to avoid.. because I think I like the idea of writing about people more than I do about the book... I wanted or had the idea of choosing more than one person a community of people I've encountered in my life... who are leaders in their community, and are people I have been inspired by... I don't know.. I don't think that will work but I can only hope for good results.. I have my contemplating of many people in my life that I consider to be leaders and so just have to find out how much I want to do this with great desire...
I'm sad to report that the person I had hoped to write about.. while she ended up not disappointing me but just not living up to the qualifications I had considered to be a leader, role model, or mentor... so will see how it goes and hope for the best...

I guess I better go... I have waited all this time so that I can go and enjoy the beating of our traditional drums... I stayed in Vancouver just to be close to the powerful music of my heritage.. I am beyond happy to be a first nation's person! If only I could find someone who is a great mentor, leader or something that I could write about!

laterz

create it

2010-05-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

"Do just once what others say you can't do and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." ~ Arthur C. Clarke

This is where I'm at this moment...This image of creating the change, creating the life that I want and desire to live by. No matter what I do I'm feeling stopped by those who say they are a support to me, being stopped enough by my own thoughts and limitations I have for my own self that now their stuff is effecting me too... It's not as though they are saying I can't do it...But the fact that the consideration is there, and my assumption and interpretation is there too.

I have to do what I have to do and until I get there I'm not going to stop... Yes I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to face many obstacles, many road blocks, set backs, and painful shit that I can't handle... but if I stay alive, if I keep living I'm not going to stop... I'm not going to consider other things, and I'm not going to lose my mind I'm going to fight...Fight for my own spirit, and one day fight for my community, and one day my nation... We shall remain! No matter how much pressure is on me I'm going to fight for the future, fight for these things and yes at moments I'm going to fall..Yes I did fall... Yes I did fuck it up for a moment...but I am still here.. and in still being here I'm thinking of ways of how to make preventative steps to not be who I was, and stay where I was... It will take time, it will take healing and I'll fight no matter what!

I can't even tell you clearly how much I was effected today... I think this is the fault of my own.. I put an expectation on someone that...just wasn't there... cause really when you think of it I already cared, it was already and has already been engraved in me... when you get me talking about what I'm passionate about than you see and feel how I care... but when I let myself be blocked into my own thinking, being secluded and just set apart from others...while you better believe I'm going to lose my mind, you better believe I'm going to question my own existence you better believe that when moments happen in my life that people are not with me.. I will struggle...

Speak of the good... speak it out! that's what I need to do... the good is this person.. this person who was in my life a while ago... not sure when... but she helped me through a crisis and after she was gone that was it.... I didn't hear from her, think of her, or anything... Until I decided... that I needed someone in my life that had some experience in something I thought I might want to do, because it is my desire to be the change I want to see in the world..of course yes. but I also desire to be someone who can help others because I've experienced it, felt it, acknowledged it's grip on my soul, these are things I can understand...so I figured who better to ask than someone who helped me through those moments in my life?
The experience... was difficult... in the sense that her impact on my life is a lot more than I could even allow myself to acknowledge which scares me... Yet even than her story today was extraordinary and it seems like this is it for me for now.. yes it might change but for right here and now this is it!

I'm going to be writing a paper this week about what I learned from her, and what I've learned this year, and also the healing process of my own self, as well as an aboriginal leader in my community... This will be a huge paper for me and it will be a well needed writing of the accomplishments I've achieved, and the life I live, and choose to walk into this path of the future.

Got to find my way through this... I also heard in hearing from this woman... I've made a concrete decision about the choices and decisions I will make in the future...and her impact on my life is crazy and scary, and yet... for right now it's perfectly what I need even in not wanting to have her!

laterz

creative falling

2010-05-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

I survived.

What a surprise... While I guess not really when I'm surrounded by some of the people in my life that believe in me and believe in the abilities I have to get through every road block, circumstance in my life.
Are you ready for it? I fell again... This time it was just about as harsh as way back in October two years ago I think... I went out with some of my so called friends and by the time I realized it we were all about to take some drugs... I almost got to that point... It came into my mind again...

This is my form of the ultimate punishment... darker than cutting, and wanting to die, this would be the ultimate price to pay for something so stupid... I'd never turn back to this life I'm living now.

I made that decision... I walked away and could not go back because I know this is not the person I want to be for the rest of my life... I was hurt, I was angry but I was unstable... I wasn't giving myself a chance to move forward with my life... You know something I learned a few years ago.. Is fear... Fear of the unknown...Fear of succeeding more so because I've failed for so long that when I think I might make it, might accomplish something while than I get scared and do everything I can to be sure I'm not the changed person.
Thinking of it now... There is a great movie that was played... a man spent his entire life in jail serving a life sentence but he was just a kid when he went in, when he came out... he couldn't keep up with the way the world changed...he ended up taking his own life..

So when we think of change... not being able to ease into change... while I can't ease into the fact that really underneath all the lies of the life I live now...I'm a freaking awesome person...
yes I have shortcomings, I make poor decisions, and I live everyday trying to appreciate everything that happens... This is my life...and I'm learning very quickly how human I am... I had always imagined I'd be great...I'd be like a robot not faltering in my life... Was I ever wrong and each entry I have written once how great things are, and once how horrible and how much I hate everything, and how much I don't want to survive...yes yes I've done it all..

I thought about it... I know without a doubt that this life I used to live will always be a part of me. Just as much as an ex-drug user will always struggle with temptations... I will always struggle with my history of the choices and decisions that I struggled with..I will always have those things but just like those people I could say no and decide that my life is to be lived fully...

This past weekend... I thought I wouldn't survive and I came close a couple of times to falling apart and choosing something horrible... but even in those choices... there were people in this world who were with me, and there are things and circumstances in this world that will remind me of what the heck I'm doing with my life... I've never been meant, created and molded into drug use... I must fully understand my cravings for things for destruction really...
I'm learning quickly that I'm scared...scared to move forward...scared to let go...and scared to move on when I know this is how I'm creating my legacy, my life, and my future. I'm scared that I will fail...and yes believe me I will at some point fail and fall short... while I have to allow this and allow my emotions to play out the way they do when I fail and move forward.... It's a big blow to me when I know or feel I might fail or fall short of an accomplishment...

I have high expectations for my life, my choices and decisions... I have not given myself grace because I know if I do I might as well just be a loser who doesn't do anything. It is because of my standards I am who I am...But it's also because of my standards I have the people in my life and I have expectations of them as well, standards to what kind of people they are to me.
How to let these things go...how to accept for who they are...or let go.. these are forms and things I'm working on... It will be a lot more difficult for me to let go of someone who is living, and breathing here in the city. I can only hope...it works out the way it needs too...

While I survived the weekend.... I survived it because I chose it... I chose it... I didn't want too believe me... I wasn't fully where I should be... but I did what I could with what I had... and can only hope for future results of honoring that day as much as I live everyday... One day I have to go all out and prepare myself for that... I just I'm scared too... I imagined that day for a whole year and as it came closer I had ideas of what I was going to do... But I had desires to live love and breath everyday....To honor my life and the reasons for this life why I chose to get off that ledge, why I chose to live each horrific event... While... I survived that weekend... I didn't do all I wanted...but I was there as best as I could be..and one day in the future I will do better and honor the way my heart is telling me too...

Until than... I am here...not fully here...From reading my previous post I'm struggling a war has begun within myself.. and I'm fighting with what I've got but feeling like it's not working, and trying to live...trying my best to find that hope, that wish, that desire that's deep within me that wants me to make it... Will take some time and only hope for the best.

While...I think that's it!

There are new people coming into my life.... not really new...she is someone who was in my life for a very very short season... While she will hold a new place in my life if she allows me to learn from her, she might become a new mentor... I couldn't believe that either... I have people who are wanting to set me up with new supports, new people etc... instead I keep saying no because i said I was already wounded by the last support and I'm not willing for new ones...while than this woman comes along and yet it's like she had already been there and just came back... so I don't know... what does this mean? I will have to work through these moments because I have to recognize people are human and I need more supports the right kind, and the ones that don't leave me six months later

laterz

the flaw of my determination

2010-05-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm not really here you know? I have been isolated, secluded and just totally fucked up. I'm angry, I hate myself and what I've done and who I've become. I regret so much that this one regret is the only thing that could and would utterly destroy me and every minute of my horrible life I think and wonder would today be the day that I could just be gone.
I began this year with no desire to survive it...
I have nothing to offer anyone... I'm a broken mess and every minute of my life my chest is hurting and I wish I could say it's because i quit smoking but ultimately it's because my heart is sinking, I'm feeling all those bricks all those painful things that made me the beast it's all coming back and I don't care anymore!

People ask me to care. ask me to love..ask me to survive but I don't want to anymore... I'm working towards all this opportunity and yet I'm failing...

You can't ask me to feel anything for a feeling that never existed in my life. You can't ask me to feel this shit for something that never happened... I won't do it... I live in denial, I live in hatred of my own self. I have created a monster buried it and now it's back.
There's no saving me...

Last night I walked through skidrow and my only thought was...who would know what I was doing? it's the last place people would look for me... I talk about being so against drugs but I have a hidden addiction that no one is able to see... I thought I was going downtown to see what I could do about my situation... I ran into family. Ran into all those I care for and all's I wanted to do was grab a smoke, a toke, or a fuckin drink. I don't care...Yet I hesitated because in the end no matter what happens... I will have to live with that... But reality is your asking me to fight for a future that will never exist for me.

The chances of me making it into that line of work... I'll never be fully healed in my head to accomplish this goal.. I have too much... and I really don't care anymore.
Even now... all this shit I have been doing for this stuff for this moving forward shit. It's like no matter what I do it's always holding me back, there's always something holding me back. and its taking every damn part of me to hold on... to hope for a moment to breath to have someone say I believe in you enough to guarantee these things you do now...it's worthwhile.

No one can guarantee anything to me because everything I do. Everything I choose. everyone in my life... all this stuff... The sacrifice. the pain. the heartache... I hate it.. what the hell is the point.I'm told the one thing you need to succeed is to not lose heart. how in the world am I to move forward when I feel it deep within me that I'm losing my heart because I'm sacrificing so much shit with no outlet. no goodness...Only pain... and every day I am close to crying, lying, running away because I can't handle this anymore...

I don't think I'm going to make it... yes I'm thinking negative thoughts but no one knows truly where I'm at... I'm fighting my demons of knowing full well this isn't worth it... my life is not worth it. everything in this last year was not worth it... I am destined to fail, and destined to break your heart. This is who I am, and who I'll always be. I give up.

You have no idea what's its like. To feel this alone. this scared. and to have to sacrifice my value and belief in my family. to sacrifice my own soul. to know and see that I guaranteed to be here for my family just to turn my back on them because I'm drowning in their sorrows and problems. I'd rather fight for them to live and breath, I'd rather die trying to make them make it.
It hurts... It hurts so much to be here...to be alive... It hurts to know the things I've ultimately sacrificed and see that there is no goodness... there is no freedom. there is no outlet. I have nothing, and I am nothing. I gave up everything.... There is nothing left within me to continue on with my life, my future. I lie. I hurt and lie and hope to be believed in when reality is I never intended to make it in the first place.
I've known all along that this would never work. this is not for me this is not who I am. this is not where i belong. Last night on Skidrow I became one of them.... I became one of them and I have no regrets because I know my father be looking down on me saying I knew you'd be just like me. I didn't make piss ass choices but allowing myself to stay there... to breath in the life that this is who I'm to become, this is who I'm meant to be... there is no one who would care at all.

I'd rather let myself die a slow painful death...than continue to see my dreams and goals get further and further away from me... I'd rather give them up... There are so many people who have given up those things without anything.. so how am I different? Just because I had a desire to help, to serve and to be here in my community...because of all these things...people believe that I'm capable of something....

You remember... a long time ago... I tried to jump off a ledge? I still go there... I can't help but go there... but there is one flaw in it... i can't bring myself to walking to the wall anymore.. I can get to the top but I can't go to the edge... I can't imagine who I was in that time... and I know no matter what I won't go that way.. I already said why I wouldn't do it that way because I'm scared... I'm scared of that kind of stuff...

What does it mean to survive? to be alive... to move forward to the future? I been told throughout this year.... how many people believe in me, how much they are there for me, and how much I'm going to make it. while for the first time at a first glance I see how much I been let down, and yet I tried so hard to let it be water off a ducks back... reality is it's not... it's not like that to me. it proves to me the old truth that's been buried within me... people are only in my life for a short season and I can choose to take their words and carry on... or I can stop... stop trying to meet people because in the end they be gone anyhow and how much did they help? another way I been let down... so you can't tell me to not let others down... I'm just going with the flow the cycle of life...
I'm really lost right now... I keep walking the streets...praying, hoping, wishing on a star that I'll find something...something that captivates me to keep going.... I need this soon because I'm close to the edge... I'm too close to destruction I can already feel it within me... others sense it within me... I'm starting... it's started and if I don't find something I'm afraid the person I am now the person I was a week ago, she will die within me...and I'll come back as the beast. I'll return my destruction and I'll forget everything...I'll let myself become the things that I hated because I gave up... I gave up because I've had no outlet. no support. and no reason to keep moving forward. if i give up my family, give up the belief I have in them, give up on the opportunity to graduate because I have no funding..then explain to me what the fuck this whole year has been for me? I am done... and I hate everything I've done just to once again Fail... Yep I hear it and know it and feel I have failed at accomplishing the goals I've set out to do.

The beast within me wins.

not as bad

2010-05-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

The truth shall set you free!!

The final season of this moment of my life! I told the truth... I finally gave up on all the words all the pain, all that was holding me back from the greatness of my relationship!! You know what's funny??? I don't think it was as bad... I mean you know when you imagine telling someone something that isn't true, but the idea that there was a moment a glimpse of confusion??? While you picture that moment being the literal end of the world??
It was not that at all... I explained it... explained my truth to it... and even in going through this small burst of argument I was able to still be here even if I didn't feel like it was the best thing to happen... And yet it is...
There is nothing greater.... SERIOUSLY nothing greater to a relationship/friendship that we could be this honest, this conserve... It's so strange, so great....so weird.
You know what I realized today? The reason I can't allow myself to imagine that this might be okay, that I could allow myself to imagine that this would be okay... I can't do that my mindset cannot be there...because I'm not ready to open that compartment of my life... that is still a piece of me that I hold and am scared to let happen even though everyone else knows its there, its open. I cant allow myself to see that because it will prove the show that I am changing..I have changed and I'm moving forward..and that I've capability opened my heart to someone and been loved and loved....

OTHER than the drama of the greatest relationship of my ENTIRE damn life!

The best part of my day was that I went to a Information Session for my career choice!! It was almost like bells were ringing, like my heart, and me and everything fell into place that this is the right decision! that I have to make this commitment to be there... to be able to see the standard at which I need to be at, that I need to raise the bar and be able to have three key components such Pride, Honor, Respect... Of Course needing Integrity.
These components are the lifestyle the moral, the value, the belief I need to have to succeed! I need to push my body to it's limits to create the bar raising.. I need to continue with my lifestyle of morals and values...and one damn day! I will be a negotiator for a very highly valued city.

I'm moving forward FINALLY!

NO ONE ELSE IS IN MY HEAD! I know where I'm at! I know that everyday every piece of me, the beast of me wants to destruct me... wants this truth to be a lie... wants to see my fail... These are places, parts that will always need healing... As long as I keep my eye on the goal I will not fail, and I will become a great role model and mentor to so many people! For this it is my honor and duty, and desire to
"Be the change you want to see in the world" Ghandi~

It's dinner time!! my lady!! sit sorting her food... It's one of the greatest moments ever because I know she will and has stood by me...and for that I am grateful... When and if she ever reads this! I want her to know very clearly how amazing she is... how strong she is!! She is her own pillar of strength... I'm honored to be in her life and cherish her every second I spend with her! I love you tons! glad to be with you to honor today with you! Thanks for dinner

Laterz

Future matters

2010-04-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

There are tons of things that are bothering me..many things that have confused me and scared me and even made me feel lower than I could ever feel. This is an aspect in my life that needs some serious transformation...
I recently had a conversation with a friend and I shared with her that I felt like maybe this isn't really me... All these great marks, all these great words...I keep flying into the mindset that maybe they have mistaken me for someone else. This is not truth and I realized that I've never been praised for very much, and so when I do I am constantly thinking maybe that was meant for someone else, or maybe they made a mistake.

I have grown accustomed to that mindset of being worthless, and a mistake. I know I'm a great writer, and I live my life to the best of my extent. It will take many years to heal it will take a great support system for me to be able to be comfortable to break down these walls that have kept me hidden.. Actually off note... While listening to drumming in my last day of class... I had a vision as we listened to the beautiful drum... That vision was I could clearly see a gate of bricks and with each beat of the drum I seen these bricks falling down...
Maybe that's where I'm at??? Maybe I'm finally finding the confidence, the self-reliance I need to continue on with my life..

There is a huge thing coming up in my near future... I'm terrified of it and worry that I will be left alone, worry that maybe I will even fall apart or something ridiculous that relates to who I used to be... I've created a time to fall apart no not that but I have given myself grace for beginning the horrible stages I will soon be facing. I have created an atmosphere that creates a facade of where I am at, and who I really am...
For me to break this cycle... Is for me to cry out for help... To avoid being the rock I try to be and allow myself to fall apart, allow all these feelings that are within me now... allow them to come fourth because this is the cycle of life, this is the road to true and utter healing.

I don't know...Maybe I'm just crazy?

This last course was pretty intense and in learning it... I felt myself hurting, feeling the pain of those things... realizing what's happened truly...what's happened... the statistics, the history, the constitution, the Indian Act... All these things and all those stories... touched me at the root of my being and I felt so hurt, almost as if I were opening the stages to grieve the outcome of my history...
even in this course though... One thing I'm learning very clearly... Is no matter the history or my mindset... I will always have people who are with me... I'm sure if I really needed the help of one of my classmates they would be there...Just as they know I am here for them too... So in learning through these difficult histories each of us in our leadership mindset of how to create a better future... They have influenced my life tremendously and as I look at this future event... Honestly the only people I want to be around is them...

While... It's time to go eat lunch..even though it's dinner time :) I have to be sure that all those words I wrote in my course project I stand by them, huge part of that is taking care of myself... So that's what I'm going to do... I also have to have faith!
I have a friend visiting here and she is living on faith... She believes that she is being looked after and she is... she is a very inspirational friend and I really miss having her around but I know she's doing great even if she's not with me here.

laterz

move forward

2010-04-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am finding myself in a destructive state oh goodness what a surprise right? It has never been an issue to see my in a place of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. This entry isn't about the things I could or should be doing with my time...
This entry today is about what I've done to myself and what I'm not doing to move forward. I just finished reading some motivation of how to move forward with one's life and I'm appalled that I'm so messed up that I'm where I am, no real aspiration of how to get out of this, and no real desire to keep moving forward.
I'm getting influenced by many people in my life about what's going on in my life, what I feel or don't feel, or confused of feeling... I'm angry that these confusions are coming into my life and I'm getting tired of trying to determine these things. Why do I have to be the one to be so messed up, because reality is like someone said I like to stir everything and I like to sabotage everything in my life so that I remain content of self-destructive choices.
Without even knowing it I've been exposed to some of the greatest people in the world... Some people who have been through hell, some people who struggle now, and some very succesful people in the future or even now... What it means to be a role model, what it means to be a living example of a leader, or what sorts of barriers are preventing them.
As of last week... I've fed myself and been fed some lies or some confusing thoughts about what it means for someone to be in my life... A fine line to me of the dependency's of my history, or even the reality of how messed up I am and how stupid I am about wanting to move forward with my life...
You know these things going on these lies that have been going on I thought I could get past them, and move on and be OK.... Unfortunately this is not the case and I've been highly influenced by the voices of society, the voices of others, and their influences are making me want to sabotage all these things all these people in my life... Cause to me when I look at this confusion I see the outcome being unbearable and even moving back to square one rather than continuing with my life... Being able to continue to move forward with the right kind of support, and be able to be productive, and just be great... When I look at these thoughts I'm seeing myself sabotage and begin to move back because unconsciously I am trying to self-destruct... We are coming to the marker of what it has meant to me to be alive...
Yes you heard right...shortly we will be celebrating the anniversary of my desire to live and those decisions I made back then to be where I am now... The motivation and determination of what it means to me to have made those choices and decisions for me to move forward with my life, the great aspect of what made me want to become a cop, what it meant to me to survive every suicide attempt in this last year.
And yet... Here I am... Thinking of all the ways that are destroying me or the potential of what will happen to me if I say a word...If one piece of crap word begins to flow out of my mouth... And then we find me... stuck back here... Being influenced of the pain and realities of what is not true in my life...

What have I done? who have I talked too? and why does it matter so much to me?

I'm scared... I'm scared of losing the greatest people in my life that have helped me become the living example of what it means to follow my dreams. I'm scared and yet the more these influences come in my life the more I want those people to be set apart from me so that I don't feel that anymore... I wrote an e-mail recently explaining very clearly that no matter what I do right now... I will not succeed but I also won't fail... I have created a support system of great people, but also a support system of my people who are stuck in their stuff but also unwilling to allow me to fall apart, no one in my life will have one drink with me because they know... I have to move forward with my life... I have to become great and it's engraved in me to be great. to do great... and yet even if I wanted too.. You know where my mindset would be?? How dare I let those youth down, how dare I even allow myself to go down when I fought so hard to be where I am, and the unworthiness of my life would come into play and I would want nothing more of it..

It's a cycle of realities that I currently facing..

And yet even though I'm not making the poor decision... I'm lying to those I love because I know what's best for them... I know them knowing where I'm truly at will only destroy them and hurt them... and so I put on my facade each day that I'm alive... One day a week that's all I get to be me, to allow the brokenness be with me and other days... I'm trying so freaking hard to prove that I'm not struggling, and that I'm not hurt by the institutions of society, of people I love... and I'm stuck and I wish I could even swear...but I can't... there's no point...

This is a moment of weakness of feeling like one of the worst people in the world because I have hurt those I love tremendously... Unable to voice my inner voice of slowing but surely dying each day without even realizing how much these circumstances, this confusion has effected me...

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

In today's forecast the life and story of me is that I'm going to fail and I'm going to corrupt every good thing that's ever happened to me... I'm foolish to do so, but society and influences are telling me this is what must be done...

plan to fail

2010-04-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

Difficult news being presented to me... It's funny cause I've talked to three different people about my situation and the reactions of them all were completely different... I said that I wasn't sure what I was going to do after school was over...School is over in three months!!! My immediate thoughts are what am I going to do to corrupt this opportunity to graduate?
These are no the thoughts I need to be having..My next thought what am I going to do? I talked about continuing on with school but honestly the amount of money I owe is enough that I'd rather wipe that clean than try and take on another debt of a student loan, and even then... I don't really know what I want to do with my life...I think it's important for me to check out the workforce as horrible as it is before I decide what I want to do with my life.

These are not the chosen words I spoke yesterday... The interpretation I received from a friend was that money would be handed to me, the way I took that... was that I had been planning on going on welfare again... This is not the case... I've already made that decision and because of that stuff I'm in debt nearly a grand.
So now that is clear... I'm sitting here for three hours now and have applied only one job!! Trying to determine what kind of job I want, what I'm capable of doing...

Don't let my appearance deceive you... Believe me I'm honestly terrified of working... Things change, life changes, where I was weak once before I am strong now... I'm not certain of this though, and that's what makes me afraid to even decide to work.
I'm scared that if I go back into work I'm going to go back into self-destruction... Afraid to go into a certain profession and yet it's the only one I enjoy doing, and what I'm good at... To imagine me being in a office environment not going to work, to imagine me teaching little kids...not me... I can't do those things because I'm not someone who can stay inside..

I truly made some decisions in the last twelve hours... I don't know where my mindset is but I know I'm hurting, I'm feeling the repeating choices return... For the first time in forever I literally cried myself to sleep because for the first time in a long time I actually felt like I'm going to fail... No matter what I do how much I fight... I'm going to fail....

What hurt me more... was that instead of speaking... instead of making the adult decision to say anything to my dear friend... I walked away... with no real intention of returning... if I'm going to fall apart again and if my life is going to become disruptive again this time around I'm not going to put my friend through this... If I don't find stability than I don't deserve anything... I deserve the suffering I feel now the hunger, the hurt, and the deception of who I am and what I'm here for.

I was thinking about this on my way to the learning center.. Do you know if I get a job... I'm going to have to explain my dreadful scars because I can't wear a long sleeve all through summer, and I'll have to explain it in a way that makes sense... What I have come up with is that in the past I had an addiction and that addiction was self-abuse, self-destruction and through some extensive rehabilitation stuff I have found some stability and decided to attend College with a desire to have a future in the Police force. As my healing continues I realize that I would like to serve in my community until I feel fully ready to enter into the police academy... Until than I am looking for a job...
Sounds cheesy and stupid... I don't know how to explain this... This was by my own hand my own doing, I did this... I set the fall up of this brokenness in my life 34 stitches in my left arm, with some nerve damage... I did that... By my hands I have become a walking time bomb of self-destruction.

When I walked away from my dear friend... I talked to two of my greatest friends in Ontario trying to figure out the right decision... Trying to determine whether I should tell my dear friend that I'm not fully sure I can stay in Vancouver... not in a desire to run from anything... but a desire to strive for a future that's there for me... A future I struggle with reaching because as I'm in Vancouver I'm only seeing the negative... I'm only seeing the struggle and I'm only feeling the pain of the loss of friends, the pain of watching my friends make poor decisions in drinking, drugs, or whatever the case might be... Instead of being able to be a role model or mentor for them, I feel and sense myself returning to the feeble broken Jess that couldn't do anything but self-destruct because it hurt too much to watch my friends make those poor decisions and only stand at the sidelines.

I sense that my life is coming to an end... not in sense of death... but this chapter of College is coming to an end... I wish I could say I am looking productively for something else to do... or even some stability... I'm struggling to be able to recognize that I'm capable of these things, that I'm capable to comprehend those choices and decisions that may or may not define me as a role model... It's a lot more difficult when people don't give me a chance too...
Two things come to mind when thinking of my choices and decisions of the past... There are judgments that I am as messed up as my arms show I am, or I am a liability because who knows if I'm as stable as I think I am.

This is confusing time... A time of being completely and utterly alone with no real idea of what would be the best decision.
I've made a mess of things and yet even in this mess... I'm still here even if it's half ass that I'm here...

I feel the brokenness in me and it hurts and more now than before... I can't believe that I am someone who had to question the people in my life... I can't believe that I've come to this and because of it... I'm completely scared of what would be the right decision...

laterz

stand up

2010-03-24T23:44:00.001-07:00

March 24, 2010
Stand up
I have had my moments of weakness today and trying to take on problems that do not belong to me, and trying to find the quickest way out of each of these moments in my life. All these things I am currently facing are not on my own they have also been brought on by family members.
I’m thinking of it now and even though I personally have no time to write I also know I can toss and turn for hours before needing to desperately analyze all these things so that no matter what I have to do what’s right for me. I know the sacrifice that will be made and I know how much it hurts my heart that I cannot help my family… In this past month I have struggled tremendously with food and have hardly eaten even as I write these words now. I have provided myself with a roof over my head, and I’ve tried time and time again to organize my life, organize my finances so that food is bought and paid for but unfortunately as my instructor said “life happens” and these are things that just happen and you have to make whatever you can.
The story straight as an arrow… There was miscommunication with some money that is owed to someone in my family member, and I screwed this one up… And explained rent has to be paid on our part so we keep a roof over our head... It was always the understanding but somewhere the communication got mixed up and because of that the sacrifice is great… I personally being me tried my best to figure out the solution to the problem… Thinking maybe I can sacrifice my phone for another two weeks, or maybe sacrifice buying food yet again… This is not the case! I have done everything in my power to help whatever way I can, but in the processing of this information tonight!! I realized something significant… This family member loaned money to my older sister more than what was lent to us, in my eyes that is more significant and huge! Really in the end… If this family member would have resisted their guilt and avoided my sister we would not be in this mess, and also let’s calculate how much money has enabled my younger brother for his drinking habit???
I have to be in the right in taking care of everything for myself… I have gone without food and I have gone sleep deprived thinking and dreaming of food. I have refused the help of friends because I know without a doubt I am fully capable of getting myself out of this mess… I have to be aware that I need to set limits! I can’t save my family from the choices and decisions that were made in lending money, it is a difficult decision that was made and therefore the price will be severe… Just as much I won’t enable my brother or sister for their drug or alcohol addiction, I will not enable the person giving them that money but trying to sacrifice my eating and my house over my head for their satisfaction.
It is difficult and life is tough and there are moments for me like tonight that I almost lost it and almost thought of the quick fix of alcohol or drugs or destructive path… I know full well where that will get me and I am not up for that game again… I have worked really hard to try and separate myself from that lifestyle of allowing myself to be surrounded by those people… I have worked really hard to make school my priority and try my best to be where I need to be. I owe enough debt right now and I at times feel like selling a piece of my heart, a piece of something just for quick cash but I know that it will also just get me into more debt which I can’t afford no matter what.
I need to breath at this opportunity to do something other than the quick fix… To fully comprehend what I was about to do what I was about to sacrifice… Realizing the things that were done in this last month and how much it cost… I know this is not the way to go!
I’m looking at my life and the accomplishments no matter the destruction and I’m fully capable of getting myself through this. I’m able to find a job at some point and start supporting myself and paying off all my debts. I know life is difficult and I know that a lot of the time I don’t feel as worthy of a good job, but I have a goal in mind… The more I look at the schooling I’m doing the more I see the leader in me rising up above all these things… I refuse to let myself settle for this life I refuse to let myself be accustomed to the destruction of life, and refuse to go hungry or even let my pride get the best of me… I can and will get through this because I am able… I will figure it out I will find my way and I will freaking make something of myself…
I refuse to feel guilty for the decision I made tonight in looking at my own self first because really I struggled tremendously today and there was no need for it! I will find a way to rise above these things in my life and I will find a good job, and I will get out on my own without question… I know there is greater things in life than this I just have to be as patient as possible to get through this… Just keep moving forward!

hope rises above

2010-03-22T22:43:00.001-07:00

March 22, 2010
Hope rises above
How to describe the events of today or even in witnessing things of today? I’m thinking of it now and honestly the closest I ever got to a loving family, or even just this kind of love I witnessed all day was when I was in foster care in coquitlam. So for me to witness this here and now and with my lady, I am blown out of the water to see something so spectacular.
What an honor and privilege it was today to be part of something so small but yet just the way I took witness to these events of today it warmed my heart. I absolutely love it when love is enveloped that you can’t help but join in the laughter, or even witness these sorts of extravagant things that were happening today. It wasn’t about the places we went to see or what we ate, it was what I seen in each of their eyes that I could see something I hadn’t felt before, and even though I didn’t say much… I honestly was soaking in all the moments of joy, all the moments of unconditional love and trying to make a memory note of what it would look like to love someone without limits.
I was given the honor of hanging out with my lady and her parents as they went and checked out the sights of Vancouver and I loved it!! I’m not sure why I loved it, but I guess because I’m a sentimental person and I love these moments because reality is when life is as tough as it is, it’s important to take moments like the many I had today to revive my life, revive the hope that is now created within me to continue on… I felt like I was being given a purpose of what it’s like to love a kid, or what it’s like to enjoy moments of beauties of the city I now live in…
How could this be you know??? How could this happen how could life be like this for them? What in the world do I have to do to guarantee that this love will prevail and that this is what I want to pass onto my brothers and sisters, this is how I want to bring healing to my culture, how I want to share this with my uncle’s and aunties!!!
To imagine the things that were suffered for my culture and my history of the impact of the traumatic things in life! I want to let go of those barriers and I want to bring healing and I want healing in my life so that I might one day be able to love a man that way, and be able to have enough love that we could bring into our love a child! Oh my goodness do you know how much courage it takes for me to say that? I want that healing so that I could find that love within me to love others and myself.
I really loved today and I loved seeing that love of today, and I could speak of love today like crazy because it was so powerful… It was a powerful potion taken today, it was the sun with shooting stars in the sky, and it was eagles swirling around us bringing us hope! It was the rainbow in the sky promising that the sun will be back, the rain will stop!
Today was freaking amazing and I loved it so much!!! I loved knowing I mean the world to someone!! Do you know what that’s like??? Or even to be told that I’m like family? These are very powerful words to me and they came from someone who is great!! These are the people that give me the courage and grace to continue on with life, and share healing with the nations, these are the people that inspire me to become more and more of whatever it is that is within me to do better in my life.
What a day and I needed to write about it because it really blew me away! I could not believe my lady let me be a part of that joy and love. I could hardly believe that I had impacted someone that much that to even to have remembered it was only six months ago I tried to get my lady out of my life, or even that conversation we had I almost wanted to walk away and now to have had this moment in life… I can’t imagine these thoughts were in my mind! I really absolutely needed that I needed to hear that, know that and cherish that today was as remarkable as it was!
I am grateful for my lady and I am so glad that we have impacted each other’s lives the way we have! I know that we will do so many amazing things together and that one day everything that happened in the past will make sense… This is something I learned from my lady’s mom is that she regrets nothing in her life because it all was for a reason and purpose. So for me I have to learn to let go of the past and not regret the choices and decisions I’ve made because one day it will all make sense… That one day may not be today or tomorrow but it will come and when it does I will feel awesome about that!! Cause I feel like I’ve been living that way in regrets, in shame… and in that short time of being with my lady and her parents I learned some very amazing things that I will hold close to me just as close as I hold my lady to my heart, so do her parents words!!

Until than!! Good night and Happy belated birthday my lady!!

facing him

2010-03-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

(because i dont have internet connection im writing them on word documents and adding them when i can)

March 17, 2010

Through all these moments I’ve had of the true greatness of having someone with me alongside me as I begin to even imagine facing the current circumstances in my life. Is it okay to say I’m scared once again and this time it’s more of early grief that I know will surface more as I continue to see my loved one suffer through his pain…? I avoid the emotion of it because I honestly don’t want it to be real… My uncle Henry has suffered a couple minor strokes and this last one apparently was pretty bad thankfully we went to see him the first weekend he was in the hospital…He spoke of getting out that day when really they had to keep him to be checked on by a specialist.
I’m not sure how often I’ve shared anything about my uncle. Obviously he’s been around all my life and I have pictures of him holding me as a little wee baby. He has been someone that I could turn to for whatever reason and he was always there for me when I was growing up. Just like any person he had suffered some pain from his past but as a powerful man he survived and got away from the destruction of his own addictions. Since then he had continued his work through SFU… Even in talking about it now my heart is starting to sink and I’m shedding tears… I can’t describe to you in enough words how much my uncle has meant to me. I remember when I was young it was before Jeffrey was born we were living by Grandview highway and I had no food and no money, my parents were high or drunk as always and the one shining hope was that my uncle came to visit… And he gave us money to go eat… Always through the years of my parents struggle with their lives my uncle was there taking care of us. When I came to and from Ontario my uncle’s were the men who always told me how proud of me they were that I made the right decision to take care of myself.
My uncle Henry is a very powerful man he attended the Simon Fraser University and he is respected and even though he went through all he went through… He was still able to share with others, and he even shared stories with us. During his recovery from his first attack he had started working on a family tree and I couldn’t be more proud of him, he has been working on it a long time. My uncle is a very giving man and he has always been a really awesome support in my life. It’s difficult to describe how much I respect and love my uncle. I have known him very well and seen the dark parts of his life and I’ve always seen his many accomplishments… I’m honestly scared to tell him what I want to tell him. I have to find the words to pertain to saying good-bye… I don’t think there should ever be a time of that… I know that I need to do this because I love my uncle a lot and what I want to tell him is that I love him, and I want to thank him for all he has done for me… All his love and care for me and my brothers and sisters, I want him to know that I want to live my life to the fullest extent and honor him in all I do. I have been given opportunity to have powerful people surround me; better yet I’ve had powerful family members with many stories…
If only this was the truth of it all if only this was what I was meaning to write about… Honestly it’s not I’m avoiding the real underlining of it all because I’m a child. Tomorrow would have been my father’s birthday and I’m thinking of him now and trying to imagine what it would have been like if he were alive. Is that childish or what? This grieving daughter still can’t let my father rest because every day I live I think of him and miss him…
My father would have been forty-eight years old and I was thinking about it on my way home… you know when I was a kid I remember making father’s day cards, birthday cards... I’m sure I attempted to make breakfast in bed too… I loved my father so much that it hurts to breathe in just thinking about him. So when I picture the event that’s going to happen tomorrow I know how important it is for me to share with my uncle how much he meant to me, because honestly I never really got to tell my father and everyday I’m alive I think of that.
I’ll share a little on my father… He was the greatest dad in the whole wide world!!! He loved me and my brothers tremendously and just like any other person he struggled from his past too. Yet even in his struggle there was always a place for me in his heart, he loved me and everyday he was alive I could feel his love, and I could truly point out tremendous moments of how he showed me that love. Every day for lunch my dad made me his specialty, and instead of being one of those men that couldn’t cry in front of others my dad was a real man he cried openly. My dad was a huge hockey fan and star trek fan. He had a special couch it was orange and when he was home and I came home from school I was always in his lap or on the arm of the chair. One specific memory I have and some might laugh but you never really know someone this is how you’ll know me. We were living in a three bedroom townhouse and my room was right across from my parents room and every day I would look across and see my father’s feet hanging over the bed as he lay there, it was funny he was really tall! When I was kid I used to be on his shoulders, he took me to Stanley Park, he took me to the sea bus. My father was truly a man that showed me the world, in the last months of his life while… Even in his difficulty of his addictions every time I got to see him… He would always give me whatever he had, it ranged from money, to patches to put on my future jean jacket, a bandana, many things and introduce me as his daughter to all his friends at Pigeon Park.
My father was a freaking king to me, he loved me without limits, and he was proud of me and I wish that I could celebrate his life celebrate his birthday with him… I struggle tremendously with death and those loved ones that die… But this one death this one man who died is the deepest root of all the sadness in my life, and I can’t seem to let myself get through those times, or even remember the things that I need to remember because I guess for me I suffered trauma from all that went on in my life after his death. I don’t know how to honor my dad I don’t know how to keep living when all’s I ever want is to be in his arms, and hear him tell me he loves me.
It will be a tough day… I know this and feel it already because I will be honoring my dad and thinking of him, but I will also be telling my Uncle how much he has meant to me all these years of my life! I hope that I make it through and make the right decisions but I’m extremely terrified. I’m more scared of my own emotions than the reality of it all, I don’t want to break down or anything… I just want to try get through the day as best as I can.
Wish me luck as I continue on my journey of whatever this season of my life is!
Laterz

desperate perspective

2010-03-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

the words that need to be written because I realized today how much everything is affecting me in a way that cannot be described.. tonight I was on my way to meet some friends when I for the first times missed the little edge I wanted to jump off of... I know something is going on in my life when I have those kinds of thoughts trying to find the words is even more difficult... I stopped hanging out in areas that normally could find me at the respect of opinion of my lady..instead I went to visit my family and it was there that things started to really show it's true colors. The amount of crap that goes on at my mothers house is so difficult so unbearable that at times I find myself wanting to drink or even take drugs...Most people know i would never make that decision to screw up my life because I hold close to my past and the things that went on for me back then.. I know no matter what happens I do not want to see myself back in that state of mind of feeling trapped or scared or anything that would hold me back from a future..
What captured me today... Is realizing that those I care for the most I am seeing them destroy themselves and instead of being able to beat the crap outta of them to hope to strike some sense into them.. I have to wait at the sidelines hoping they will be okay. I've had a bad feeling for a while now, there have been nightmares and thoughts in my mind of what might go on there in this life anyhow...and I still cant do anything... I have to keep in mind that no one could help me now or in the past.. I had to have wanted the future to be the way it is now.. I had to strive and yearn in places I didn't know existed.. I had to taste the future and taste a better purpose in my own life before I can even desire it.. And now that its coming together...what I'm learning is that I have to fight.. I have to be for real about how i'm feeling and how difficult it is to make the right decision everyday when I know those i care for are making the poor ones.. you know how much I wish sadly wish that i could go back..but i know where that life would take me i know this is not what's meant for me and so I have to continue on this journey at whatever pace this is now and hope for something better.
It truly hurts you know? when you watch people you love get fooled into a life of destruction or when you see someone you love unable to defend themself afraid of that darkness that pain that was there in the past may relive and hurt and destroy something or even self.
Now speaking for real rather than the words I've chosen... Well I'm watching my mom become accustomed to allowing her ex-boyfriend back in the picture at the thought of him spending time with his kids...Instead he has emotionally wounded them and if his words actually meant something to them..to make those kids believe they would faill well than I wouldn't be say anything.. I honestly.. cant even remember or even feel it in my bones that my father ever said anything that destroyed my dreams or hopes or desires, or anything that discriminated me or made me feel small.. and yet here I am witnessing a piece of shit man treat his kids like crap and yet his excuse for coming to vancouver is to visit his kids..and yet very little to none have I seen him actually spend time with his kids.
Than not only that... Once upon a time I had tons of support tons of people I could reach out too when things became tough..Just to find out not even three days ago one of my supports left and moved on..and I am trying everything I can to not care but it bothers me greatly..because I felt like it didn't matter and there is no where to turn anymore and that news was completely crap and it's pointless..so now questioning all those who stayed behind I wonder if I even have made progress in my life.. as I fight all my coping machinisims.. fighting all my desire to get wasted or take drugs... I wonder how much have I really changed..the other time I wrote I said that we were supposed to be working through anger and yet I couldn't see myself going there because really underneath it all I'm scared of how much my anger completes who I am or who I feel I am... So really how much have I changed...and how long will it take before the rest of my supports are gone... it is completely stupid because now I feel like going backwards because I'm scared to continue on.
On top of all that crap.. I than have the one person!!! ONE!! one fucking person I want in my damn bulshit life...and he cant be here... Trevor has been in my life forever we grew up together and when my father died TREVOR was there for me in a way that NO ONE ELSE COULD BE! and yet even in that he is not here now nor can he be.. And it fucking breaks my heart because i love TREVOR so much... I said it the other day "I will hurt someone I care for to protect someone I would die for" Trevor has been my family forever and when the REST OF THE WORLD bailed on Trevor I was by his side protecting him, believing in him..and yet now he is not able to be there for me.. because of whatever reason.. just as much as people know trevor on different levels they dont know what he has meant to me.. the three years I've lived in Vancouver he has been my only family that has stuck by me through thick and thin, he is the one that walked with me in the darkness, he is the one that laughed with me, been a shoulder I needed... and this isn't fair that I am being treated this way because it makes me feel like shit! I HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!
Lastly the one person who is supposed to be the positive one, my lady! she is going through so much hell on her own that I dont feel like telling her anything because she needs to do what she needs to do... But at the same time I feel the distance coming between us because my phone is cut off and just everything...everything with her is slowing going away...not on purpose but because LIFE is gettin in the way... You know.. how great my lady is?? I dont remember when I told her but she knows my father's birthday is coming up! And she remembered...and that is how much my lady means to me! She knows things that I told her and she has cherished me greatly, and everytime that I am where I am, it's so difficult but I feel ashamed of being where I am because I dont want to hurt her, or let her down again..I'm so scared of this shit going on and I'm so tired of everything!
second lastly... I have classmates questioning the program at school...which in turn is discouraging me... because what's the point you know? whats this program going to do for me? and how worth it is it for me? there was only one reason I was in the program and we decided I decided that I'm insane and not ready for this next step in my life.. and than now.. its like..okay I'm not ready for that so whats this program going to do for me... Once again questioning it all..but knowing FULL WELL!! If i don't stick this program out I'm not going to get anywhere GOOD with my life because i'm freaking scared of not having this program.

I'm desperate for perspective. desperate for a friend to just do whatever friends do.. I'm scared...I'm angry..and I feel the volcano in me ready to blow because I'm getting so upset and so scared...so unknown territory that it's truly scaring me..

I have to find a way through this or else I'm afraid I'll make poor decisions again and for that I am scared... I know that I need to do what I need to do for me... I need to really consider myself..After all this constant work of taking care of myself.. I have to continue with that. I have been taking care of my body but now I need to take care of my mind and my spirit..because I feel the world and its influences creeping its way into making me feel like I need to destroy myself...and i cant do that on any account I have to keep living and keep fighting... Keep moving forward!

laterz

shadows

2010-03-09T16:08:00.000-08:00

Im not sure how relevant this would be in talking about this.. I was walking down the drive with a friend who just lost two of his closest family members... I was looking at myself and thinking of a counselling appointment I had just had.. I realized that in the end in dealing with my emotions I'm terrified. I will hide from them, avoid them... as I am an avoider. I am too scared to deal with the emotions that are underlining of the anger that sits and lives within me.
I felt like an idiot today in talking about change for myself, thinking about it as I was coming to this appointment. I was thinking how much I had changed.. I had put away the blades put away the things that prevent me from being the beast... but than I walked into this opportunity for change and avoided it..
I'm scared to deal with those things.. I'm not sure how safe I would be in dealing with those things that are underlining to my anger. I feel like right now.. with all the dreams, nightmares and ideas of being afraid for my life.. The things that are going on with my family and the protector I need to be right now.. How could I imagine dealing with my anger when I know that right now I feel I need to be angry.
It bothered me that I could not voice this in my session.. but i'm scared.. I say that with my head facing to the ground, shame in my heart. I'm scared of dealing with the emotions, of letting go of the anger that has kept me alive and breathing to this day.. I know my way of dealing with things in anger has nearly destroyed me on so many horrible occassions but I also know it's to me in my eyes my safe zone. I dont know much else other than expressing anger..
If ever a time came that I could change I am up for it!

One thing I learned in leaving that session is just the idea of learning about this anger. It doesn't mean I have to change, this could be like this last course just shit thats absorbed in my brain that maybe one day a tool I could use..
Is that crazy????

I think it's crazy.. I'm afraid of my own self. I'm scared of the anger that rages over and explodes that terrifies me.. I'm scared of the feelings that may be hidden underneath the anger that may effect me or hurt me or others. I dont feel that I could producitvely work through these emotions when i feel like right now my life is on the line. I know to others to some it's stupid to think, but when you look at whats going on in my city, whats going on in youth's minds.. it is than it is when you see drunken youth mobin on others, see fights breaking out.. thats what comes to my mind is that one day it's going to happen to me..
I am fighting to stay alive. fighting without using my fists and hope to keep it that way. I have not adopted any relation to any gangs, I have tried my best to be me and all that I am hoping is meant for me..
I have the opportunity to heal and find my way through these circumstances in my life.. I have the opportunity to not be angry anymore..and the only thing that comes to mind.. is how terrified that makes me feel.. I dont know what I would do without my anger, how to productively be angry without fighting, or share the image of fear implanted in those that around me.

If the times comes.. I will try my best to be open to the idea of dealing with anger.. but for right now for today..it's too much to ask of me..because I dont want to see where this would take me.. the road that will come from dealing with all these emotions... I'm not sure I want too even though really I do I don't.. lol if that makes sense... I just have to find a way..

i dont know..

I gotta go.. I'm glad I got to write...cause I really needed that!

laterz

tough stuff

2010-03-05T20:04:00.000-08:00

Im processing as though things are going to get more difficult than they seem right now.. My main and only concern is that my uncle has ended up in the hospital and I am hoping to see him on Saturday I miss him tons and I need to tell him that every move I make in the future will be in remberance of him.. I will succeed in all I do in his honor... Is that bad that I'm thinking these things? But it's also something that is keeping me from making poor decisions, and preventing me from allowing myself to think of the decisions that might try destroy me as a person.
I have surrounded myself with a life that I know is going nowhere.. I continue to see the difficulties of my fellow people, the their struggle and their pain, the expression of that pain... I am clearly in an unsecure place in my life. I can't help but want to be around people who understand my situation and arae able to relate to me in this time of my life.

I can't communicate anything in a way.. so lets choose words that might help me.. I feel like if this actually comes through if my uncle is actually going away I want to be there, I want to see him, hold his hand and tell him I ain't going to screw up my life...
I feel sad that I feel this way...that it's burdening me so much that I love and miss my uncle so much it honestly makes me regret not being around in this past two years and not spending the proper amount of time with my uncle.. He has worked so hard and doing so many things, and he has always been someone I can count on, someone I love tremendously..

There is a lot going on in the city here... there seems to be a envelope of serious emotions that cannot be explained, everyone feeling something about someone who has passed away... and instead of reacting, instead of being cool with shit they are reacting and causing chaos and destroying themselves in addictions.. I hate to see this happening and hate to express my own things are causing chaos in my own life... too..
I have lost the fine line the seperates me from this life... I have lost the reasons I do what I do, i am who I am.

I have to make right choices.. I have too.. my life depends on the right choices and the right life.. I have too.. I know I'm human but I have to choose to live, choose to do the right thing and be the sensible person who knows lifes struggles... I have to be aware of whats going on for me.. and what I need to do to get through any and all circumstances going on in my life..

There is some fghts going on I gotta go... the chaos of our life right now

breathing

2010-02-11T16:16:00.001-08:00

The best part of some days is that school has started again and I could not be more proud of being a student..
I had a rough day today and than I jumped on a bus and came to school.. and just the moment I walked onto campus I felt myself being able to breath..and I was able to look at our store finally!! Now I have to make up some money to be able to buy all these things from my school..

The last few days have nearly felt a blur with everything going on.. I have had an emotional baggage going on for a while here and there... I've been broken, felt bruised and in much need of a distraction from my life..

In a few days.. some people will acknowledge me in a way I haven't felt needed in a long time.. the last party I loved and celebrated was at NLGH, being able to be acknowledged in that place it seriously warmed my heart and I just loved it beyond words and miss that kind of love!
I'm not sure whats happening this time around and can only hope that I am able to wake up right and to get in the mindset that it's okay to acknowledge me even in my own faults, brokenness.. I have felt so unworthy lately.. so broken lately it just hasn't felt worth life you know?
I've stretched myself so much, worked so hard. and tried and tried.. and I haven't failed but after a while of all I've done I finally fell apart.. a much needed time of falling apart just to be able to release all that was going on for me.

I'm finally able to breath.. after all the chaos of things this past week.. to really know you know? that everything I'm fighting for is okay and it's coming together at whatever pace that it needs too..
I have created relationships with people that seems to go deeper than I could ever feel.. and honestly you know what that means for me? it's means scary unknown zone.. and there is a lot of fear with that but there's also a love in these relationships that conquers all the fear and a desire to change and move forward with my life!

I look forward to school.. look forward to see what happens in the following week..

Regardless I feel like I'm carrying on.. successfully..not fully there but I'm still here.. and I'm still trying.. to me that's all that matters.

survive w/support

2010-02-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

While today is a significant day of fighting! I mean to go against all odds of not having all these things and still trying to keep my head held high of getting through this just as I have survived all these things in the past.
I didn't realize how difficult things could get as I've looked at this month.. the cost of moving into my own place, and the costs since than have been overwhelming and I can say that so far I'm glad to have my mom's support because I've got there at least three times a week to pick up can goods etc just to continue to survive.
I have reached out to all supports, all resources to find ways of how to clarify my ability to get to and from school on top of also coming around for appointments and everything.

I feel better about the fighting today and feel like it's a battle that will be won.

However.. I'm also looking at my life looking at my expanses and realizing more and more how crazy I am becoming with my expanses and although it sounds logical to just get a job and stay motivated that way. I also am very lost because really.....As I continue to say I'm going to get a job the more people are telling me that because of some events going on it will be difficult.. It makes me wish I could've just said yes to a job offer but could not jeopordize my school for this.

Emotionally.. I've kept myself very busy and unaware of the realities of things going on here.. and trying to stay above it all. and I realize that I do try make serious conversations less serious because of an uncomfortable pain that I would have to deal with if I were being serious or whatever. however I have also found that when the time came for it I can be a pretty awesome support for those who need my support for whatever reason... so I think I just choose my battles of emotions differently.

Well.. now I have nothing else I can or need to say..

I know that I'm just fighting and fighting to keep on keepin on.. that I'm making all the necessary arrangements to battle the big things and try to just be awesome regardless of the circumstances.

monster

2010-01-30T23:23:00.000-08:00

I feel sorry for the way you were brought up to make you feel the way you feel, to be defensive and crazy angry!
Dont have to explain to me... don't try this with me it's not going to work.
I talk about being here for my family and make it as if I'm chained to this place and this crap of things that are holding me back..when reality is... there's nothing nothing else that I could be doing that would better me at any point. I'm a moster, the beast and just... the days are counting as I'm seeing more and more how messed up I'm getting.

Today I heard the words, I felt the adrenaline, felt the hatred, felt the heat, and i felt every horrible feeling I could feel.. I felt like a lion winding down on it's prey.. just before it happened I stopped and realized what I had just done. I just hurt someone i care for, I hurt myself..I just caused so much fear.. that button that trigger was tested and for a few seconds I didn't even know what was happening and than I heard my own voice, and felt the fist in my hand, felt the blood begin to drp from my hand..and I realized what I was doing... talk about feeling ashamed.

Tomorrow I leave..and honestly I'm looking at this as an opportunity to for them to have freedom..not to be locked down, chained down by the fear of me.. when those you love fear you more than ever, than thats when I must back off because one day it could cost me my life... I am really outta of it these days.
I was thinking about it too.. It reminded me of the damage I went through growing up, and even just bringing it up anxiety began to develop in me as I realized what I am becoming, who I'm becoming and just the monster I am.. and I can only hope that in realizing these things I can change. because honestly if not..there will be no celebration only pain. dont ask me to celebrate days when i'm beginning to see my own true colours.. I'm freakin hating myself right now.

Hating the environment that I grew up, the words, the abuse, the pain everything I hate it all! I'm tired of people telling me that its all for a reason.. look what I've become..really look at me look at what I've become..I'm a moster, I'm a villain and I'm just freakin hating myself tonight.. I have to stop.. or I will destroy my everything, I'll destroy the bridges of relationships i have, I'll really screw everything up if I keep up like this... to look in the eyes of someone i care for and realize what I've done, what I've become...there isn't a moment at any point in my life that I wanted to die so badly i would've done it right than and there. I am ashamed of myself and everything I'm becoming and everything my mind is telling me that I am.. who I am, and what I am.. the beast. the hatred feeling...boils in me..

What a disgrace of a worthless life.. to even.. just imagine what I've done and the pain I've caused...made me realize how many more things have i done? too many to count too much shame, pain, heartache...they are better off without me. this was stupid.. so stupid... and i just am feeling so stupid.shitty, what was I thinking...look at what I've become!

hanging on by a thread

2010-01-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

The stress of today and the feeling of the weight of the everything.. literally fell on me and I was pressured, pressed, rolled on, destructed, destroyed. it felt as though the world came crashing down on me.. I struggled constantly to breath and I struggled with the hint of anger at the surface because I finally had it.. I literally finally had it.. I was way outta the roof of things and just.. i felt like i could explode from everything.
I have finally found a place to live and will be moving in this weekend, and then there was stress about my cat. and than just everything! everything was too much feeling, too much emotion.. It literally bothered me once again to hear how people are there for me.. because you know what in all the broken mess of today I didn't see anyone! i went through the events today being able to make it on my own.
I recieved a letter about my finances today.. there is so much stuff i need to catch up on and wish I could. my cell phone is on the verge of getting cut off and I'm feeling like nows that time to just go an hide away for the next few weeks hiding in my house! OH MY GOODNESS! i have my own space, my own living space no worries about anyone! I have my space! I cannot even wait to be there to be away from all the drama. It almost as if I'm at the point that it doesn't bother me that my phone would get cut off because what do I need from anyone anyhow? lol

I actually was thinking about this today.. am I really?? terrible if I wanted to hide away for the next few weeks? there is an underlying reason but it doesn't need to be talked about.. but I just honestly honestly really surely with every part of me I just need to be you know? I need to rest.. I need to know that after everything I've worked through it's all coming together. I'm feeling overwhelmed by all these things.. For a few brief moments of today I felt inadequate and we all know how that makes me feel... I got angry and nearly hit someone, beat up a metal fence.. I was boiling with anger because I felt small, I felt stupid and I just did not feel heard today and that was what made me nearly go off the handle.
I was able to calm myself down and get things dealt with and now my cat is with me, and we are home in our temporary home and we are about to go to sleep..

I dont think I've ever loved an animal well..nevermind I loved a cat in ontario. but for me having my own pet my own animal.. I dont think I've ever loved any animal more than I love my own cat. I've had her for so long..and she has been the best comfort for me in the darkest of my days..and I cannot even describe to you how she has been the best..so I've done everything i can to get her safe and sound and now that this is dealt with I can finally get back into buisness of the tasks I have before me..

After all this you know.... i just need days of rest. I need to sleep. i need to not have to move, not have to worry and not have to care about anything at all! that's what I really need right now... and i hope in the days to follow I will have that and I'll just be happy in my own space I can't wait for that day!

There is a lot on my mind. a lot I need to talk about..but I'm too tired..I still stand by all that I stood by.. and I'm still doing everything I was doing. but I'm realizing more and more the boundaries that need to be set for me so that I don't get as overwhelmed as I had today.

Goodnight

Impact

2010-01-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

My heart is feeling so different i'm getting very confused but also realizing the impact I have on influencing others.

You know recently I wrote about how it affects me to have people or have a world view of who I am and what i am about, being called nothing or worthless. I had expressed what would happen or has happened when people would bring this stumbling block before me.

Than today happened and i could not even describe the impact or feelings that are fluttering in me to think of what's going on in my city.
Last night someone or a group of people thought it would be cool to burn a totem pole that a chief had been working on. The totem pole was signifcant because the man who was working on it was a respected elder in the community. the part that impacts me... is that someone had the desire to have some fun and gain nothing by starting a fire with a totem pole.. Something that my culture holds strong too, in many parts of our city there are totem poles, there are stores that sell totem poles and there lives being changed and transformed when lookng or carving such a beautiful piece of art.

The thing that impacted me.. was that this man.. is an elder.. and sometimes no most of the time that's all needs to be said to me.. i thought that it bothered me when people called me nothing, worthless even.. but than I heard about the choices and decisions that were made.. and honestly I could not imagine what kind of pain or disappointment it was for this chief to have to make his work of art into kindling, and fire wood.
I could not imagine the kind of pain he must've been feeling.. and because he's native his first reaction is well it wasn't that good anyhow.. it doesn't matter to me whether it was good or not.. it was his art, this is how he shows the world who he is, and what he is about. and someone decided to set it on fire. and you know whats strange? is that no one knows what happened.. isn't that something? I spent the day there gathering the cut up pieces of this carving project, and i was raking pieces... and do you know how many people came and asked what happened? Do you know how many people had already heard what had happened before anyone told them? and yet there is not one person who can clearly come and say this is what happened, this is who did it..

What glory is it in destroying a man's work of art.. I do not personally know this man.. But I hold him in an honoring place. because he's an elder and because he has a gift in sharing his talents of his work of art with the community and sharing our culture with many others. and here it was being chopped up.. as to say what? his work is not valuable? to say he wasn't valuable? this really bothered me because I really am just disappointed..and I had to drive by the other two carvings of totem poles because i was worried. and I needed to know before I go to sleep tonight that at 9pm tonight they were fine.

i'm really disappointed. and i feel really sad that this has happened. I feel whatever it is that is within me to feel it..but it is something.. and it bothers me that no one has come forward, it bothers me that these people group, kids whomever they were thought this was going to be done for fun...

In seeing the events of today.. and the events of yesterday and the impact that i've been seeing. i feel like i know what I want to do.. i want to share my culture, and I want to help troubled youth in their lives...
My immediate thoughts are ok what must i do to get through my own struggles, get the strength i need, the counselling I need, the pride I need, to be who I am and where I am without worry.

there is a lot I must learn, a lot I want to learn. and a lot I must do to change my life, to have my life reflect my words and a lot of need for stablity.. and all this comes together in time. and until than i am happy to be a part of these youth organizations that help youth, and I'm happy to write letters of support because that's who i am.. I have been able to see the impact these youth organization has had on youth.. and the impact they have had on my life.. and I'm happy to write those letters, and happy to be a part of this community.

On another note!!

Someone.. well two of my friends actually thought today was my birthday.. a part of me honestly wished it had been.. because the love and celebration of today even in the midst of disappoointment and pain of today.. it was a nice gesture. i have kept them in the dark about when my birthday actually is..
I was thinking about it today... after my two friends called me up thinking it was my birthday or wrote me an e-mail etc..
Anyhow is it okay that it bothers me about my birthday?

I know the significance of this years birthday.. but you know.. the only great birthday I had was when I was at NLGH! that was honestly the greatest birthday in my entire life! the cakes, the presents, the love..everything was so great. and than the next birthday that i loved..was when i first moved back to BC my family all made me a birthday card and my sister made me the biggest card ever! I loved it!
But other than those two times.. my birthday has never been something i want to celebrate..it's difficult to celebrate my birthday when I've been disappointed so much you know? when there were expectations or desires and it all fell through, or when I was younger and being told I wasn't meant to be, and how I was just nothing and worthless.. so for me to celebrate my birthday.. it's just not necessary.. I just e-mailed my lady..and said everyday is a celebration of the love we have for one another.. everyday we celebrate our relationship, and just all these things.. its difficult for me to make a big thing about my birthday because it honestly just doesn't seem worth it anymore..and for me to say that it makes me sad..but I've lived like this long enough that it just doesn't bother me anymore... Ive learned to let it go.. and be okay with this being the way my life will be.. I'm good with that!

Wow today!! WAS an impact of realities, disappointment, and joy at the end of the night...to be loved... awe just to be loved.. to know that people are happy I'm alive... this is all I'd ever need.. nothing else would matter because people are happy I'm here..and that's all.. seriously.. that was the best! way to end off such a day as today!

Good night

last straw

2010-01-25T22:34:00.000-08:00

Just as I was about to give up... and even than I actually felt the anger felt everything rise up as I began to fall.. I seen the little cycle I learned about in school as my judgment fell I started to get a little crazy... I honestly... it's hard to explain but I learned someting new about myself.. something thats a trigger but also a motivator..
The other day someone called my brother a waste of life, as to say he was nothing.. and whatever is said about my brother... well I get angry and take that on of course because that's me... So I was thinking of it.. for very long time of how many times I've heard in my life how much I'm nothing... how much I am worthless waste of life... that I would be as the world has viewed us as drunken drug addicts..
You know one thing I love about myself.. is that I can with pride say I never did hardcore drugs and swore on my father's grave that day would never come. and so i have knocked that outta the park.. and even though I have history of other things.. look at what I'm doing with my life...

Today I kept in mind... "I'm gonna show you what nothing can do" instead of letting this comment or whatever the heck it was... torment me into my own early grave.. I decided i'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make nothing into something.. because thats how I do. that's who I am and that's what i'm about.. you give me a stumbling block a wall of hardcore pan..I'm gonna show you my strength, I'm gonna show you that I can do anything.. I can do it with nothing.. because I will be more grateful for the things I have...

I realized.. with everything... normally... the instinct of me.. when I hear someone cut down my brother... i would react and lash out and put fear in the hearts of anyone who would say some false statements about any of my family members.. instead... I looked at the situation I got adrenaline and angry.. but instead of reacting I cooled down..and I called the right people, and have contacts with the help we have in Vancouver for those who want to harrass my family.. Instead of going back into old ways of dealing with anger and fighting people to the death.. I've stopped myself.. against every thing good in me to hurt others.. I realized this isn't my fight but also that I would just cause more trouble for my family.. so instead I called my mentor and retired VPD and I was able to get his help and get through this situation in a respectable matter..
That's how you can hear that I'm freaking changing!

I had my blood pumping full of hatred and anger.. I was at BC today and I was with my hommies my people..and I was telling them all about what's been going down with my family..and every single one of them wanted to jump on a bus and head to my mama's and help her.. but I was like naw don't worry bout it. I got this..I can deal with this the right way.. no need for record when it's something thats childish.
I realized thats how I do... thats how I can show you i can make something from nothing. I can freakin.. just do what's right..make right choices.. I have had to deal with the pain of that all day..because I really wanted to hurt someone, I wanted to believe their filthy lies that I'd become nothing..but I was like no freaking way!

I MADE it into COLLEGE! I freakin living my own life.. in my own place, my own world..and I will refuse to let anyone tell me that I'll be nothing. I refuse to let people tell me that I'll fail. that I'll fall short..because no matter what I have it in me to do something great...cause if I didn't I wouldn't have all these people backing me up, telling me they believe in me, they believe in my life, my cause and just every fibre of my being.

On that note... I seen something today...i'm not sure what it triggered but the person that committed suicide not that long ago...I know them... and my heart started to break..and I thought about it on my way home and realized...what am I doing now that's changing the world? I know how I can impact lives of many but I want the youth! I want to capture their hearts and lead them to freakin freedom from all this stuff that's going on for them.. I dont want to hear that these babies, these children are doing this..because this is not the way.. On that note I'm thinking of my life! my future. my scars. my pain, my damn story. and realizing how much I've got to share and how much I want to capture the hearts of youth and help them through their mess..and show them there is better.. there can be better than this.. and that's one thing I'm thinking about.. this has never come to my mind before but I've always known I'm meant to impact lives. but now my heart is leaning toward troubled youth and I want to freakin help them! I want them to not hear everything i heard of being nothing, worthless, hopeless.. cause there is freedom.. there is something...!!!! CAuse if there wasn't I would be here now... and I wouldn't be alive now...

with that in mind..i'm going to have a collaborative conversation and see what I can do with my life!

shinning star

2010-01-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

I feel like tonight's the night that everything in my life is going to fall apart. Instead of crying out for help, calling on people who care for me in anyway. I'm getting scared and I'm just... I'm watching all these things before me crumble to the ground.. Not having a place to live an just imagining for a moment of what my roommate is going through as he is in a shelter...Tomorrow night sadly enough as it is I'll probably be joining him.. yes you heard me right. I am so desperate and so at the last part of everything.. I'm going to be spending some time in a shelter.. I'm so.. tonight I should've went to my buddies place I really should have just left it all behind...but I wanted to come back to my comfort.. and just as selfish as my brother I'm here..

Im sad to say that my life... everything... i'm starting to break with it.. and honestly at this time in this moment there is only one sweet ass person on my mind that almost just takes the sting away from the turmoil I feel I am facing.. Its not about confusion of feelings okay it is.. but it's also a matter of feeling alive... to be facing this turmoil once again and being able to see there are truly people in this world who have been through so much and still do real good in life..just like me..or I like them... we've had to fight for living, fight for school, fight to have others have faith in us..
I just... I honsetly have never thought my life would ever come to this you know? i've been born and raised in Vancouver, I've slept at the woodwards building, and I've met so many people, known some people all my life... and some for at least or more than ten years...just to know there isn't one of them that I could call up right now and tell them how much everything is falling apart on me...I can't explain to them my situation.the underlying issue...
to realize... how hard I've tried to live. how much I've tried to die. and how much I am where I am right now... i'm terrified of reaching out for help. I'm scared to tell people that the shinning star me is looking for a place to rest my head, i'm scared to tell people...that I am crumbling, destroying, dying, fading away inside. I feel all the reasons to live, all the reasons continue to fight to continue to be a yearning... and all that is left here... are the realities of the person I am.

How could I do this to myself? How could I put others in jepordy? how could i even live like this? for another week to live like this..it's not going to work.. you know when I was a teenager... I used to get into fights with my ex....and my ex lived right by a bus that went straight to SFU...and honestly i jumped on that bus and slept at SFU.. i'm not sure what it was that was there...but I went there and fall asleep... so I'm thinking that's what it's going to lead too for me... i'm scared of shelters... I'm scared I'm ashamed to admit that my life is coming to having to sleep in a shelter..

In this moment for right here... i feel like a failure.. I have no stable housing, no real stable friends that I can count on. The only thing I have is school and as much as it's there..it's not there for me now... I have seven dollars to my name and I've been saving it for about five days now.. I haven't spent it or anything. I finally changed my clothes. and tomorrow will be the final change before I head out... and hope for the best about all these things..

I am jepordizing a lot in this house in my family... and they have never faced consequences of these things...but I have a feeling that this week will be the testing of those decisions.. and so I have to leave..

Its honestly.. in just these small hicups or whatver you might want to call them.. they are really messing with my head.. and I'm realizing more and more. I'm truly not the shining star I'm the freakin... hurricane of distress, drama and freaking whatever it is that I am. i really... Im honestly on the fence on that evening near eight months ago..I'm placing my mind back in that place because I'm really getting confused.
than on top of all these things I hear something that I will need to confirm with my VPD.. but hearing that... well... i'm crazy enough as is what makes them think I can do any better... I'm not sure what to do anymore.. everything is starting to fall apart and I'm just losing it..

"When you feel like giving up remember why you held on for so long"--Unknown

'When you come to the end of your rope, tie knot and hang on"--Franklin D. Roosevelt.

With everything.. to nothing.. to trying to make clay outta mud, to trying to see the stars beneath a grave..to reaching for the moon and missing and landing on a star.. to being loved unconditionally the only thing keeping me from freakin jumping!

connection

2010-01-23T23:35:00.000-08:00

I never really realize how important it is to have a connection a network of people who can say "yeah that girl is awesome, etc" I never realized how important it was to have these qualities... I was thinking of the people I know in vancouver, the people i've known since being in vancouver.. and actually am certain there isn't one person I could call and say hey I need a reference... I think of the kinds of people i've met since moving back and the history of these last three years...and i realize how isolated i've allowed myself to become... how much hatred I have in my heart for revenge, or even self-destruction... I've spent more time building and tearing up walls it's not even funny...

Now that I've been in Vancouver and actually started doing something with my life, started going to school, started to try and find some kind of future some kind of reason to keep living... once again a hatred a self-hatred builds up in my own self... realizing how much i have to continue to fight... fight to find a place, fight for someone to believe in me enough to take a chance, I have to fight for school... I'm not happy about this but in realizing the changes that will be made one week... i realize that i'll have to fight for school, fight for more help more support... I actually was thinking about some things... you remember.. well i dont remember I just heard stories.. but of way back in the day when life was not as much as it is now...people would have to work real hard at a future... work hard at applying themselves, work at just walking and getting there..
Just thinking of it now.. there is a movie about a child who walked three miles to school, three miles home... that's a lot of walking.. and yet the reason he was doing it was because he had a dream, a desire..

I look at my life.. i look at all these things I've felt that i've fought... you know how nice it would be?? to have someone not put me in the category of being an alcoholic, or drug user, or failure.. you know how nice it would be that i could known as a success person, do you know how great it would be for someone to recognize how much i am fighting to be in school.how much I'm turning my back on all that i love and care for because i know where I need to be with my life and i know...if i stay where i am, always i always be where I've always been... I've had to fight my own strategies in life to be someone... I've had to turn on things I didn't want too... and I've had to let go of the MOST PRECIOUS people of my entire damn life! If I had known how much work this was, how much I'd feel like i wouldn't make it.. you'd better believe I wouldn't have said anything I did to my dying friend.. I wouldn't have made that promise..

I know I'm getting negative.. i sense that going on with me... reality is that I'm seeing things so differently.. an being where I am now...I'm feeling the sense of loss, the sense of failure as if I'm just building a show to let the world watch me fall apart...
Its been a rough day and half.. an my body, my mind, and my spirit are feeling the impact of the things going on in my life...

i can only hope for a better tomorrow.. or nothing at all

press repeat

2010-01-22T02:07:00.000-08:00

I can listen to this one song over and over again, sometimes this late at night I just have it on repeat.. I'm not sure if it's about the beat of the song, or the lyrics that are in this song but it has been awesome for me.. I spend more time in a day listenning to a song...
I have been thinking about the things in my life that I'd like to repeat. go back and maybe change a few things you know... not only the good but the bad.. things that could've really changed the way my life is going now, the choices and decisions I could've made.. the words I spoke that hurt, the hate I feel in my heart for the people that caused harm.. the fear that lies in the depths of my soul as i struggle to find reason and purpose... continuing to feel the way I do.

There will always be that someone that I wished wouldn't leave.. that person that warmed my soul in the darkest of days, that person that held me in their arms in a way that I felt like Superman was real and was holding me in their arms. The deep desire grows in me as I imagine what the world could be like, what my own world could be like if I was back in that one moment.. one moment of saying no I'm not leaving, I'm staying and what kinds of things would have changed, where I would be..what kind of person I would be. Instead we live in the real world... the real regret lives in me, and the real fear envelopes around me..
The shame of the things I've done in my life..the pain I've caused, pain I've felt, scars on my body, scars on my heart, the hate I have, and the hate I've caused, the shame that lies in me that no one could ever see... the depths underneath it all..under all the pain, all the facade of me.there lies the beast, and under that beast lies the shame and regret of the choices and decisions I've made in my life... I say.. Just as much as I described fear in this way I think Shame can be the same thing...
it is like a snake... shame is like a snake.. squeezes the life outta you just like a snake squeezing it's prey all the air, every breath breathed is suffocating itself, and it's bones are breaking, just at the one last breath the snake swallows it whole... this is the same for me to have shame in my life... the dark closest, there is no cleaning out this area in my life.. but there is much regret and much desire to just be able to go back and change the things I did... to even take a moment an imagine where my life would be if I didn't make those decisions.

Regardless that my life is not as I had hoped it would be.. I'm not the person I had hoped to become... I also see the good in me.. the good that's beginning to develope in the turmoil of every situation I am dealing with, have dealt with, or struggle with... I see it within me...I have the opportunity to walk outta these things in my life that have caused me to feel broken, and heal from the wounds that I've caused myself..
I could try my best... to realize that children are children...they will struggle, they will feel pain... they will suffer...however they will be loved without limits, they will have moments of complete laughter and joy, they will learn things I may have never known, they will experience moments in life that have never been able to be seen before...and they will speak their minds, they will feel whatever feelings they feel... and one thing that's coming out in my city is that these kids...these little inspirations are feeling the oppression of the shit that we've all suffered and instead of surviving it, numbing from it even, they are turning to things that I wish wouldn't be in our world... to imagine this poor thing feeling these feelings, just asking for someone anyone to listen, to hear them, and understand, feel their feelings, walk in their shoes..what's going on for them? how could I! how could of all people how could I miss this? I'm the toughest person there could be... besides my cousin..but he's a rock. where as I'm the solid one who has suffered but talks, screams, yells until my message is heard... I freakin missing these things going on and I just gotta... gotta stop trying to solve this situation... but also try and figure out..how could my life reflect that even in wanting to give up I havent... I'm here...I'm fighting. I'm feeling all the feelings associated with shame, fear, hatred etc...but even in this darkness I still here..I'm still fighting...

One thing I've learned many years ago...when I first came back for a visit from Ontario...was the power of a voice... one thing I learned recently...is there is fear in speaking out...speaking up! screaming!... Testimony is the most powerful tool there could be.. I feel it within me... to scream! but don't know what to say. i just know that I have a story that needs to be heard, I need others to know that when they are feeling whatever feelings they are feeling, they are not alone. I need my sisters to know that they are lucky to be where they are, to have someone like me loving them so much.. I worry about them. think of them. love them... of course same goes for my brothers...
I shared my testimony some years ago..the whole life story everything detailed. and i cannot even describe to you the reaction of it... so many people came to me with understanding and telling me their story..which is one reason I felt that writing my book would be significant...one reason I love playwrights. one reason I love writing! because someone somewhere in the world is dealing with these things too...

We are a powerful creation.. I know this... I see that my body mind soul are powerful. I have the opportunity... even in shame, regret, pain, heartache and so much regret of the past... I could not forget the past but not let it bring out the beast of me because this was not the person I was created to become...

Lots on my mind! and a majority of it came from my repeat button and my all time favorite series.. lol

off track

2010-01-21T00:27:00.000-08:00

I felt better talking about my own situations..but that was not the purpose of that entry.. I just went off because I was getting emotional, and feeling the beast rising up in me..

The cycle that is currently entering my life, or the lives of those i care for... teenagers pre-teens, children are entering or entertaining thoughts of suicide...
Can you imagine what kinds of things must be going on for a child that young... I don't follow the ways of God but I believe in his word, that children are so precious to him.. and I remember holding so true to that if anyone hurt one of God's children he would rise up in vegence.. or whatever.. so to imagine

my two sisters... young children not completely aware of whats going in the world.. trying the new trends of school, the new feelings and emotions, body changes going in their lives.. to imagine that they have a friend of a friend who was a year older who decided to take their own life.. this was never meant to happen..
feeling lost. feeling alone. feeling scared. feeling burdened. feeling like a mistake. feeling unworthy. feeling broken. feeling horirble..

The feelings...the world.. This is not the intent of the children... this is not what these kids should be thinking about... what is the world coming too? what have I failed at doing for them to help them openly get help, openly to talk to me?

I'm really sad that children are thinking of this... I'm 24 and I have suffered from the pains of life since I was 10. and yet here I am..still here even in the darkness, even in the beast of me. I'm still here... so when I see my sisters, hear my cousin who is younger than both my sisters.. saying the thoughts, saying these things!

WHAT is our city doing? what are the people doing! WHAT is our culture doing! how are we interacting with our children to help them understand... what's going on, or what reasons or something! JUST something to understand. comprhend.. the things that were going on, and the fear.

I don't know... I just I personally have personal circumstances in my life that help me know how or what might have been going on... but to address it... this is not my place right now.. for this time it is my boundary. I'm still working through my own emotions, my own darkness, my own beast... but one day maybe...
I feel like that one day should come soon...because I am deeply burdened hearing that pre-teens are having thoughts like this...how much help is out there, how much understanding?

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My will shall shape the future whether I fail or succeed shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. my choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

the fear

2010-01-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

BREATHE!

You know.. I have been through a lot shit in my life.. alot feelings, a lot of thoughts, a lot of pain and freakin things I regret things I hate.. things that destroy me..
As I write these words my hands start to shake as the fear begins to envelope and wrap itself around my soul, the tightning of the beast of me rises up against all that I feel I've done.. I'm trying not to think of it.. but I can't help but think of it..

All the reasons I should not be alive, all the reasons I don't deserve this life of mine! ALl the lies that have near destroyed me, believing in societys way of my culture, believing that I would never amount to anything, believing every horrible message...that I'll never be anything, and I was only loved by the man I buried fifteen years ago this year.. my father!! Damn it! STOP!

The task the reason my heart is feeling so heavy... Is that the influence of others.. the influence of children, teens, and adults. the cycle of life that has envloped into a cycle of life that needs to end!

Tonight I'm trying to use the tools I learned in class to help me not react in emotion, or fear or anger... hearing my sister..my other sister tell out loud that she wants to end her life.. she is feeling blamed for everything... she is feeling whatever she is feeling with no one listenning. I am so sorry that she feels that way but I can't do it!! A few months ago my baby sister said the same thing..and I couldn't help but pull away because dealing with people who decide or want to think or open their minds to suicide... I can't live... I can't even comprhend why they are saying it, and even in those moments I look and feel my triggers, and buttons being pushed as I remember the past fuckin two years of my life of pain and heartache and the many damn times I tried to take my own life...

This is very much a trigger for me... It not only reminds me of the horrible person I am to be so lost and so burdended..but it also shows the kryptonite that I can't help those who say these things, I can relate but I can't listen. I can't listen to how they feel because it reminds me of the feelings that may lie deep within my soul...I'm scared for this and this is why I feel the anxiety rising up in me...and the shaking is here..

There is only so much I can do.... I can't force my family to get help, I can't force them to do anything and I have to hold to this... I have been getting help for my problems, learning about these things..but for them.. it's a choice... they are not old enough to know the help they need, but when they have family members, or friends who are committing suicide I'm sure it's a huge fear, or whatever it is...

To imagine it you know?? I don't even want to be specific about my own situations.... not that I don't feel I can face them.. but just as much as remembering my father's death is difficult would be just the same of looking at the scars on my arms, looking at the times I was outta my mind lost... so much pain, so much heartache... it never helped that someone would say they were there.. cause those words said to me all my life..just to be let down, left behind...and I couldn't deal with people saying these things to me..
Imagine the kind of pain I was dealing with, am currently dealing with... but one thing I'm holding true too is that school... I dont even know why I'm there, why I am staying with it. but I feel like if I don't finish this people be right about me... starting something without finishing it, and the inadequate feelings that linger in me would come true to me once again. I have to fight and even then... I wrote an e-mail to the director of my school and told her... that the greatest inspiration for me was school...when I am not apart of the classroom I feel lost, and I struggle to deal with my life... I'm inspired when I'm at school, I'm encouraged and I am for some of the first times in my life I feel at peace with who I am, not knowing the future but being okay with not knowing, and just sharing myself...and believing in others and in turn believing in myself and my ability to succeed even though I'm supposed to fail.

I can't fail... I can't keep being as I've always been... I can't even... imagine what things would come around for me..if I decided to quit and i know that being accepted into school couldn't have come at a better time in my life.. I had just gotten outta the hospital and returned from a powerful journey and than once again fighting to be in school.. fighting to live.. fighting to find purpose even without knowing what it is..I know that there is something there for me.. one major way I remember this is that I have this scar on my left arm! HALF and INCH deep! not a survivable scar, wound... I was bleeding to death... and yet here I am... near six months later still here.. still living... eight months ago... dont even need to talk about it... four months before that.. well that doesn't need to be talked about either.. and than in november... these are incidents I had survived, times I was given a guardian angel, or just a knock in the face to get back in line of my life..
So when I hear what Im hearing tonight... I shut down. I get scard because I can't imagine what it would feel like being that young... no wait.. never mind I was younger than both the girls when I decided I didn't want to live, and started to cutting... but the torment I had faced with all those years... well I'm ok... I'm who and what I am for a purpose and reason

This is just too much... Once again I'm going to be calling out on my supports because this was a little much for me.. and believe it will be difficult for me to sleep with these thoughts on my mind. one reason I love being able to write...

For right...now... I have to take care of myself.. i have to recognize the things that are going on in my body, in my emotions...I've always known how difficult it is for me now a day when dealing with someone who is having thoughts... but trying to be the solid rock, the superman person to help them through it...well these sorts of situations are my kryptonite I learned this the few months ago that my baby sister said it, when my brother said it..and now my other sister is saying it... I can't imagine what she is feeling.. but hopefully I can call the right people to help me not figure out how to solve it..but how to make her feel like she can talk to someone.. other than me... it's a weakness, a trigger a hurt for me... I'm not prepared to be thrown off track it'll hurt..

feels a bit better... just need one last thing.. and than try find a way to get it outta my head before getting some sleep... I have to hope that I can let this go as I sign off... cause I really need too..

GN

basic necessities

2010-01-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

I'm honestly afraid to write the words that are going to be told but honestly I feel like this world is crashing down on me and I'm scared... I've been struggling with food enough as it is which is one necessitie of life, but now i'm going to be struggling with a place to live...
I'm afraid to admit the choices I've made and what has brought me to the current circumstances and the fears that are enveloping in me... Lastnight for the first time I was grateful to have a place even though I hardly have food I had a roof over my head, whereas in the next couple weeks this will also be taken away...I gave my notice in thinking finally I had a suitable roommate set up, to have my uncle call me and tell me it's a poor decision to back out now..
My immediate thought is my uncle is my elder, he is looking out for my best interest,and he cares for me a lot... so the cultural side of me is when an elder speaks they need to be listened to and obeyed... so now I've lost my roommate and by feb 1 I will no longer have a place to live.
than when i face these situatons in my life I am now looking at the past eight months of my life.. even though i am moving forward in my life.. the things that were broken, no the relationships that fell apart in that time...So I thought about writing those people a letter in hope to just let them know..

I mean because of June 2 it felt that it ruined my life I lost my job, and status... I had very good reasons to be in that place and time in my life. the painful memory and thought of losing someone close to me...well the pain outweighed my judgement and i fell apart.. it caused me to go on the wrong path even though I made that promise to this person that died that I would live my life fully, that i would continue on... I didn't realize the loss of this person in my life hurt so much, that deep down in the depths of my soul losing him made me feel like I didn't have reason to live any longer either.
So now... i look at my life eight months later... and I've been in school since September and have had my moments of fallng apart but I've created a support system, people i feel I could turn too, and the best part of it is that I've created the fighter instinct in me... the will to survive, to live for whatever purpose that might come up in the future. But than.... looking at my current struggles now... the things I am facing I'm worried.... I'm scared and I honestly am feeling myself go back into the mindset of wanting to break down again...

What things must I do to create this barrier so that I am certain that I won't do something foolish? I know that it feels like in one day!! one day...one phone call...one word everything has come undone and I'm scared out of my head..
You know one thing...that i think is good/bad about me... is my cat... exodus has been alive for a near three years and I've had her for that long... and there are parts of me that thinks that it might be better for me to let her go and live somewhere else...but the hard part about letting her go is that she has stood by me...in times that I didn't even know were difficult to me... and so because of that connection and love I can't seem to let her go... and I am not sure what to do about that...i mean it's a major reason why I am struggling to find a place to live.

One the necessites of life start falling apart there is a sense of realizing maybe everything has been mixed up.. I begin to question the existance of my life, the value of my life... but I realize just from the one incident the paiin I caused my family from cutting myself so badly i almost died, well... not just family but two people who have expressed to me their fears... there was a lot spoken about the guilt they had both felt in not being there to stop me from my own self-destruction and the fear of actually following through with a suicide attempt is that more people would feel that guilty feeling of what they could have done to stop me... and not only that the choices and decisions that would made following the death of me... there is a lot being said about the choices my friends would make the destruction they themselves would fall into, and even for my family members...
So instead of thinking of death..I'm fighting for my life...an inner conflict of trying to figure out whats best for me..what can i do to change the outcome..and what do i need to do to get the help i need to figure things out...in a way that would just work...I'm desperate and I'm getting terrified as the days come to an end...i don't want to take my life, and I dont want to end up in the hospital..

One thing i had in mind was about... all the help available to those struggling with abusive relationships, help for pregnant woman, and just help all around... but when it's for me... i dont fit in any of those categories... I'm not damaged beyond repair...but I also have very few places to turn.. i need someone to see the struggle of me to believe in me and help me through this difficult situation... need results...I need to know that even faced with all this paiin, all this fear that there are people in this world, in my city that will help me continue to fight to live..fight even when i dont feel like fighting... I'm getting scared and I'm getting desperate..I'm terrified... I'm not sure how much more I can do.... I'm not sure....I am becoming vulnerable in these times because of the life that is being taken away...

I dont know anymore

starting to break

2010-01-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

I have been in school the last four days dealing with anger, coping with anger situations and issues... While dealing with these things I've found myself in an inner conflict with feelings of being inadequate and worthless... After all the fighting to be in Vancouver for as of yesterday for three years... I could not feel more worthless that my life has come to this point that I am on my own away from my family, and whenever i come into the house there is only tension... I had talked for a while about how it would feel to finally not be needed, or that I was no longer in charge of the household... to let go of all responsibilities in the home... iinstead of making any positive choices in helping my family out I just sat around... and I meant to go home but honestly I forgot my jacket, and just all lines saying it would not be safe or in my best interest to be going home in the pouring rain..

The situation that went on with my brother...well it's affected me greatly..for him to continuly speak to me in the ways he does, although he might be drunk.there is truth behind what he is saying... i'm broken up about the situation and honestly feel like the guilt or shame or hurt will continue to grow...
My brother at one time in his life I could not be more proud of him..for sticking it through all the situations and circumstances he has went through all on his own... but has contiously felt the sense of abandonment from me... one thing I had heard or that was discussed...is that you know what my brother doesn't understand my life was on the line if i hadn't left..I'm certain beyond shadow of a doubt I would not be alive today...
I know that I'm struggling a lot with family stuff...I'm stressing about school..I'm feeling like I'm not being heard by my supports those who were supposed to be there to help me... while they are far away from me... and so i'm looking at the situations i'm facing now....and I regret being who I am, and where I am this time in my life..

I honestly... I can honestly feel those feelings and thoughts return to me about ending it all... screwing my life and just letting death win because more and more I see the benefits that I'm not worth being here... I have to stop myself as much as i can on these thoughts because I know that this is not the answer...that this is a choice and opportunity to walk or work through these events in my life... but when I feel worthless...when I feel like I don't matter...well than I feel that my life doesn't matter...it doesnt matter that I have fought to be where I am now, that everything I dealt with, still deal with, all my morals and values every thing about me is just a waste...

I have needed positive influences in my life for a long time... I'm still not gettng much of that either.. and now I'm stuck in this place... feeling these feelings... wishing I wasn't here.. wishing I hadn't made the choice and decision to clean up my life... feeling like I no longer matter... I just need to get out of this situation and stay as far away as I can..because this is not worth it.. these feelings I have, the way these family members of mine, the way feel here..this is not worth my time...and sadly when I leave tomorrow..I will really have to put myself to the test on whether I can do the right thing or if I will fail at this yet again.

I'm feeling very hurt about the influences my family has been in my life...Im sad that my doctor had to strongly encourage me to let my family be and that the first and far most thing I must do is take care of myself... and even in taking care of myself there is a lot that fails me in that time because I have no money, no food, and just a load of stressful situations going on in my life.
i really hope I have not dug my own grave.. and that something will start to open up for me because I'm getting real lost and real scared. im feeling like i had said the sense of inadequate and worthless... I'm feeling like i dont matter anymore and if I dont matter anymore than what's the point on living... i really need to get through this situation... or I need to just figure something out because i'm scaring myself with all these words.

time and again

2010-01-04T22:54:00.000-08:00

The story line of my life apparently is that I'm a fighter it has been my role since I was a kid to survive whatever things that came into my life. There has never been a break for me to continue on with living freely and happily.. I have had my sacred moments of greatness but suffered at time that has nearly and very real tried to destroy me.. To even describe what it means to be completetly destroyed.. You know I've been thinking about this lately.. as I have found myself in situations that have not been me..really..
I think for me to be destroyed is for me to conform to all my surroundings.. to dim the fire in me that causes me to fight to live, fight for my life... I think for me to feel myself destroyed is to no longer have the ability to continue on with this lifestyle I have chosen to live.. I was accepted for a specific kind of housing today and than they withdrew their offer because they said I was doing well for myself, trying to make it..and they were concerned about my well-being in that area. This was the first instinct that I am greater than this you know? I'm better than what I have thought all these times of my life...

I have tried and tried again with the choice that no matter what happens I'll never give up. a choice that I've made since I dont know when. Even though events have come into my life that have been a sense of me giving up I've got the scars to prove how messed up things have been for me.. but that fighting desire in me that's kept me alive. I watched a showed recently about a man who had gotten something stuck in his head and he was five times over the limit of alcohol in his system.. the blood etc... the idea for me as I watched this event before my eyes. it got me thinking how fucked up was that night? I look at my arm.. and a plastic surgeon stitched me up and I survived this event.. I also learned that this depth of this cut on my arm is as deep as lions bite... people die from these sorts of bites...or tendons, nerves or anything could happen.. however this was not the case for me.. I survived..with nerve damage that's it...
I dont know much about that night...what set me off what I acted like..in a glimpse of a second I was gone... I didn't remember the seconds following after and sadly I'll never remember.. I ended up in the hospital I woke up cuffed to a bed with a strong desire to use the bathroom and I had to call work to say I was in the hospital.. and than explain the events in my life that caused me to be in so much pain that I had tried to take my own life... I seen the clothes I was wearing all torn and cut up by the people who saved my life... I'll never remember the doctors, surgeons or any of them.. and at times in my life I regret being treated and regret living..

I mean.. One promise the only reason I'm alive..was because I had promised I was doing the right thing and that I'd make better of my life.....instead I destroyed myself in a blink of an eye. every person that trusted me now question everything I do... the people I love and care for a wounded in a way that cannot be described or spoken about.. I'm broken about these things these things linger in my mind as I live and breath now... and wonder...sadly wonder what my life would be like or what their lives would be like if I didn't come back at all.

Its difficult to imagine myself getting through these events... it's difficult to imagine even surviving these days... but we are coming up to eight months...eight months since everything has fallen apart in my life..and instead of falling back into a lifestyle that doesn't lead anywhere, a lifestyle that brings me in a cycle that was not created for me to follow..instead of that I'm here. trying... maybe not wholeheartidly but I'm still trying..still fighting..
When I think of the people I'm fighting for..honestly there is no one I'm doing these things for. I'm trying to prove to myself that I am worth something. my life is worth another look.. All the years of greatness that I had in Ontario...proved to me something..it honestly proved to me how happy I could become, how grateful I could feel, how loved I am..and how much I am cherished, how much I have something to share with the world that not alot of people survive. and through these events the last near eight months... I can do something great. I can keep living even when all else fails me, when I fall, when I feel hurt or feel the affects of the pain and choices and decisions of those I love. It bothers me to be stuck in the dark about things but when the time comes everything will be revealed and I'll find my way through it in greatness or in darkness.

the events surrounding those I love the consequences are still trying to reach me.. well not me but those I love.. I am going to do everything in my power to protect those I love and I'm not planning on leaving until the time comes that I must do something... and hope that I will have the support of the right people who have been there, and will continue to be there for me.. I have the opportunity for something more.. but the choices and decisions I make the next few days will be important they will either jeopordize the things in my life now, or they will help flourish my rep and my ability to do things that others may not know I had in me...

not prepared

2010-01-03T02:23:00.000-08:00

Im not even sure where to start about the events I found myself facing tonight? I went with my family to go see "Avatar" Not realizing the extent of what it meant that so many of us were outta the house well the events at home.. coming into this event this place.. well my heart could not be more sad about everything I seemed to walk into.

My brother ended up drinking and started acting up and got upset and started lashing out we had to call the police to help calm him down and than i was asked to sit there until he fell asleep.. he kept apologizng...and all's I could think is how am I supposed to not enable him for these situatons and times? I was told that my mother and myself are enabling my brother to make this many mistakes and act out and drink do drugs, etc.. with no consquence.. and i just dont get how I'm supposed to stop him from doing these things?

Im getting very frustrated with the situations I'VE come baack too.. you know.. i know i made some really poor decisions since moving back to Vancouver but you know.. i started the road of stopping the things the external things, or a majority of them.. i made them leave my life.. i have been fighting to do better with a few problems here and there..and yet i still get blamed for the situations and circumstances we have walked into.. its my fault. i caused it. i hurt him, i abondend him and i ranaway like a coward. and yet even in my return instead of being the person I was.. I became hurt and just damaged from all the death, heartache and pain I endured and the habits of my thoughts about good and bad..it had consumed me..

i dont know what to do any longer..

I'm back at contemplating people in my life, situations and cases in my life. things that help things that don't..feelings I have and feelngs i dont... lots to say but no real words of things that need to be said.. I'm freaking losing it and letting myself get consumed by thoughts that should not exist..and i'm just.. I need to get myself out of this being consumed by the moments in my life that are causing me to fall apart.

i made a poor decison tonight..it had nothing to do with my brother but everything to do with certain people in my life..and because of that poor decision it's got me back here..

im not sure what i wll do about this or what i can do..but hope that i can figure it out...two more days, one more day and hopefully things will work itself out...and i'll find my way outta this mess..

Im not prepared for these moments in my life as I am facing each of these events in my life.. i feel the life in me, the fighter in me continuing to fade away into the darkness..because I'm sinkng back into the attitude that feels or assumes that protects me from heartache and pain and love and joy..

watching this situation unfold tonight... feeling their hands around my neck squeezing me... for the first time... i just didn't care I didn't want to fight back because i felt i deserved it... what good has come outta my life? that would make me fight back? im so disappointed in the choices and decisons those close to me have made and i'm just feeling really hurt...sad...and ready to walk away

laterz

fear

2010-01-02T01:05:00.000-08:00

i have found myself walking into this new year with fear in my heart and it's always obvious I never have fear in my heart when I am walking into fear all on my own.. I mean this in the context that my family is facing a situation that cannot be explained or described in a safe way that would see that we would proudly make it into this new year... instead I am up at this late hour thinking of the things that could and would want to happen right now..
You know I was thinking about this and as I have personally faced many complications in my own life the drama, heartache and pain...the fucked up nights of pain.. well the reality is now that this is in the past and right now at this time in my life.. I am okay but i have to do everything I can to ensure safety.. for them to sleep safely into the night of dreams.. however until these current situations are dealt with I deeply fear that somethiing may be wrong.. it's different you know? I mean if this kind of stuff was going on with me while honestly I'd face it, I'd walk right into the paths that I have done...the choices and decisions I make I face the consquences and will not run or hide.. I did that in my past and lived in fear and one thing that I said when I moved back to Vancouver..is that if anyone from my past had a problem with me from the past while I walk into it with open arms..
However this situation is not mine thankfully I've grown up as much as I could that I know this is not my situation, not my thing.but it involves those I care for deeply and this is the reason i'm here the reason I choose to not back down.. to not be apart from all this....but there is a sense of obligation in me that compells me to protect those I love.. I remember I was on the train with my lady and my sister and one thing that we talked about because it was a game night... we talked about in a situation that could happen who would I fight to protect? it's obvious I have a high obligation and desire to protect my family..my family comes first before myself, and before friends, and those I love..it wouldn't matter sadly enough but this desire for family the love I have for them... it can be overwhelming and I would never turn my back on them. until the day I die i will not walk away.. I can only hope that some other people in my family would realize the situation they have put us into and how i will surge up all the anger of pain and start and lash out in this situation.

i feel like I can't sleep and I worry about because as much as we might have lots of men in the house I feel like i'm the only one who would stand up... I mean I thought about it again..when these two drunk ass guys stepped up on my cousin instead of running away like a girl ;) I stood infront of my cousin to use myself to protect him...these two guys were bigger drunker and just all around idiots..but I didn't care if anyone was going to hit anyone they were going to hit me trying to do it...as an idiot that night for me though was that I stepped behind my cousin to call the police... and that's when the shot came in..and my cousin got hit in the face..instead of stepping up we walked away... it was a really messed up situation.. but time and again this is the person that I am.... i have a huge value and love and obligation in my family... because I love them I would do whatever it took to protect them, help them, and love them without condition and hope that one day this love will carry onto the future maybe in a more healthy situation.
I was thinking about this today.. you remember well not many people know but when I was growing up I was hurt tremendously physically, emotionally, and just all around everything about me was wrong. There was one main man who caused this amount of pain in my life and because of those things I became something different after the years of heartache, the bruises the cuts, the crap I withstood in all my stuff. I became someone else and this person is the person that writes these words.. because this is the beast of me that will not back down that will stand up for those who are weaker even if it cost me my life...

Once again. another story... as I'm not sure if this story will ever be able to be told to the one perosn it matters too.. I was watching a show about one of my favorite singers "Johnny Cash" well there were some interesting things said about his autobiography... I've never meant Johnny but from his movie I could relate to areas in his life the darkness..etc.. anyhow... one thing that was said was there was speculation that June rescued or saved him from those events in his life that would have cost him his life, he was consumed in so much darkness, so much pain.. and there were some who would speculate that June was his savior.. but than I think one of his kids said that it wasn't that she was his savior, or the hero, the rescuer but that she was the context of the goodness of life he could have, and she was the one who just lived her life in reflection of what life could be like...it was by her life that he had the compelling desire to change and become a better man..and he was... before June he was really lost but when she came into his life she literally swept him off his feet... and this story sits with me tremendously.. because I have been thinking contemplating the situations going on in my life the people, the relationships etc...
With the comments i recieved from someone I began to pull back from those who are positive influences in my life... and part of that is my own thoughts of what's best for them, and also the comments of others made me believe that I was someone who was looking to be rescued.. and for a short period of my life I could see in what ways some might think this was the case and situation I was going through..for a season i believe yes..
However this person in my life is the context of what my life could be like if I should choose it... this person has been through some pretty fucked up situations, situations and darkness I am not completely aware of..but i hear it, and feel it at times....the pain and heartache all these things.. anyhow.... I realize this person is not the answer to any of my problems not that I had ever thought this person was, but some might speculate these situations and things.. but it was not that at all.. it was that this person was able to share with me... a piece of their heart that shows the unconditional love, and the fighting spirit that lies within me to do better..
It's the opportunity to do great things the opportunity to be someone great.. that fire that I felt had died away.. I mean I remember this person and some of my readers might remember that girl I used to be.. the one that had a zeal for life, that had some of the funniest most memorible moments on a farm.. six acres of land.. it the beautiful country side.. I became a changed woman there and instead of leaving that place and carrying her with me.. I allowed myself to become consumed with life without bringing in the proper supports to keep that girl in me alive..
and even to this day... What I need to do is find a way.. and hopefully this sounds as it does in my head.. to be both the fighter and the beast... lots of people say can't have it both ways but I really hope too.. I have met many police officers who have it both ways that are on the job as the beast but have compassionate heart to care and love, and fight for their life and those who are unable to fight for their own lives, to believe in the soul, the heart and not just the persons appearance choices and decisions.

I'm losing it aren't I? but I just want it both ways... to be able to find the balance between the fighter in me and all that I hope to be.. but also to find the ways and areas in my life that i will need times like now to become the beast... to put on this facade to protect those I love and to hopefully stay alive in the process.

Can you believe I just said that? I had said that I wouldn't want to live.. I regretted everything in my life.. but reality is that you know what it is true that my family holds true in my heart and I love them so much that I'd live in this painful world, suffer all the pain, and just burn my life in flames for the glory that my family members deserve something great... to be given the opportunity to live, to love, and to enjoy life in a way that I may never know how...

WOW!!!

I will do everything I can to be here.. for now.. right now it's two things that are keeping me alive.. the safety of my family... and school...

I will not let go.. as long as I have these two things.. I am here

good enough

2009-12-31T21:59:00.000-08:00

I spent the last few hours actually doing something I didn't think i would do... a community came together to bring food and clothes to the homeless..I have never been against this idea but I just i didn't think I could personally come together for all of that... I mean I found it difficult at first being a part of these events because I was with the girls and the one major thing I have a problem with is trusting that they would be alright in any situation.. but once I was distracted i was able to just enjoy the laughter and joy of the community I found myself in.

i thought about it and thought is this good enough? I have done alot this past few years or even all my life of helping others and my community.. I mean i had shared the stories of my personal times downtown.. i had many times many memories, many experiences of being on skidrow.. it has changed alot.. and it's getting better..you should actually hear a lot of people who are having a problem with the new year coming around an the changes created around and how it's effecting the people...a lot of people seem to want to rise up against the whatever it is..

I'm really tired.. i'm not feeling well.. i'm feeling nervous you know.. the new year is coming will be here shortly..and I'm still scared but I'm also trying to figure things out you know? I mean I finally was able to answer some of my own questions by learning the life experiences of those i really love that are role models.. well I learned some interesting things from hearing them and it has helped me change things for myself..

however.. even if these things could change would change, etc... I dont know i feel like making this choice or promise to myself if just one more time something happens..than that would be it for me...but no one can live like that..because something will happen and I just have to figure out in what ways I want to deal with it..

I have a lot to think about as the time winds down and thankfully i dont have to figure it all out in a few hours I have a whole year to decide what kind of person I wish to be..

Im heading out.. going to meet my cousins and chill out and enjoy a good night hopefully with my cousins.. i can't believe how things have come together, or how lame things have just become in the last day.. it's been a really interestingly sad journey.. but I guess.its part of my life

Happy new year!

your choice your future

2009-12-30T22:59:00.000-08:00

I made the right decision..even in my own pain and loss of emotions of feeling of anything.. I made the right decision and did what made me feel feelings.. I had hoped that I'd walk into a situation honestly that would cause me anger but I guess I've been waiting for that long enough that the day will never come.
I went to see my lady... as she arrived so there.. so real.. so perfect.. the joy of having her return to this city... seriously something about my lady that just makes me smile.. even in trying to be angry trying to be something other than happy to see her...is not possible.. We ended up spending a lot more time together than I had originally thought...which was pretty awesome for the just of it...sometimes the greatness, the goodness even if only an hour.. that hour or more was all I felt I needed to be okay with today..

I'm trapped in the idea of what the new year will come too.. The reality of things is that i have looked at this year... and last year...and I'm trying to find that thing you know? that thing that will make the new year different from the last two... the first year I was drinking like crazy for good reason I don't need to list off who died, and what the meaning of their deaths meant in my life.. this year... well death came again in a more hurtful way more painful than my own father's death which I could say is one reason I was drinking this year, and why i felt the pain and torment and have now manymany scars to add to this horrible collection of visible pain.
so... what could I change? what have I not tried that could be tried? I mean we've done the counselling thing for years now, I have been in counselling and even went further than that but what or how has it effected or changed my life? it hasnt really and it's been a really shitty deal for me..
For one of the first times in my life I cried out for help, I freakin screamed at the top of my lungs that I needed help but it was there temporarily.. it didn't last...just as much as my friends in my life these last two years that didn't last either..
I have been contemplating a lot of things...trying to find that one thing that makes me greater, makes me more alive..that makes me be able to withstand all that I am now facing.... I wish I could say the new year will bring about many victories and maybe it will...,but this following week will be risky and I will honestly tremble and feel fear for a fraction of a second before i turn into the beast...and rise up against the oppression that may try come against my family..

After that is over..

How or what do I need to do?? how will I find my way through these sorts of messes? how will I react, or act or what can i change now that has never changed before? I mean... if there is a fighter in me, if there is this part of me that can survive these events in my life..how do I make that fighter come to life..to choose to fight, to choose to live, to choose to love living, to choose to have fun...how do I do that?
even if I did that...what are the outcomes of enjoying my life...cause we can't forget what kind of person I am... the good cannot happen without the bad..and if the bad comes it will be created by my own hands because I'm not sure how much death I can deal with..and if I start thinking this way well how or in what ways can I change my thinking so that I'm not consumed by good without the bad..or consumed that I must create the bad so that i don't have to be dealing with unexpected badness...

Are you as confused as me?

i dont know... I don't even know where to begin... i cant fix anyone..I can't help anyone even if I want to beat the crap outta certain family members.. I have to stand at the sidelines... but one thing my lady said that got to me..is to never give up on them... sadly enough I forgot about this.. Can you believe that?? I forgot what it felt like to not give up on someone, to love without limits.. i mean for my younger brothers and sisters it's easy for me to love them they are kids.. but for my brother and older sister...well it breaks me.. it makes me feel my heart feel it being ripped outta me as I see them doing drugs...one thing Dave told me is that weed is no different any longer than hardcore drugs... cause you know what.. you don't know the difference anymore addiction is addictions...(phone call lost train of thought)
Either way.. I had forgotten my motto..my idea and choice and decision to never give up.. I forgot about this with my sister, with my brother even.. I have felt so consumed by all this stuff all the consquences of their choices and the ripple effects, I forgot that I loved without limits and especially towards these people in my life that make the choice and decision to struggle without addiction, aware or not..

wow!!! so consumed right now..

The new year.. needs to really look like a new year for me.. none of what it is or seems to be with me.. I need more outta this than what I have... cause I'm scared..that it's not going to be any different and it's going to hurt maybe less or more than these last two... I'm not sure how much more I can endure these moments and pains enough as is.. I need more goodness, I need more I need more reminders of what it means to love someone without limits, I need positive influences so that i never forget why I choose to be who I am now..

Struggle...struggle struggle..

Just for one day I wish....

running circles

2009-12-29T23:01:00.000-08:00

Its difficult for me to imagine having to write the words I'm about to write but I know it needs to be said.. this is my life.. and i can choose with it what i will because I am alright with it..
I have acted foolishly lately.. running back to old habits, old lifestyle old feelings even.. this worthlessness in me, this hopelessness that i want so badly.. no matter what i do there is life in me.. and lastnight when i talked to my mentor and friend it was proven very true.
I have surrounded myself with things of life that are not meant to be mine. dont get me wrong I have been here helping my family get through this time, and I've helped so many times.. but I realize the draining feeling I have felt for so long.. but deep down underneath this 'I dont care' attitude there in the depths of it all there is me... wanting to do better.. wanting to make better of the future of my situation.. i do want to change.. I want more outta life that what has been given to me...
I'm looking at this last year... well this year really.. and looking at the days that aare counting down too the new year... truth be told I'm afraid I'm going to fail.. I'm going to make poor decisions that I already have, and that I will hurt the people I care for the most.. my lady as much as it bothers me that she's with me, that she loves me, and that I am reminded of the pain I've caused her.. regardless of those things she is still with me..she is still loving me and standing by me even when I'm not me.. I am gifted with the greatest relationship ever known to the history of man kind.. no one in the world could ever be loved this much, to be cared for this much, to be able to count on someone, to be loved unconditionally and even to test that love and still realize nothing has faltered.. she is still with me..

I'm scared... right down to it right to the point... I'm scared that I am going to fail at living.. I'm going to ruin my life and everyone is looking at this new year as new opportunity, new goals, and just new things..and I'm looking at it and seeing the heartache I have faced this year will be carried onto the next year.. I will need someone with me to help me.. but I will also need to help myself in order to get that relationship I need to survive these horrific memories of this year.. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as i realize how terrified I am..
Do you know how difficult it was? to look into the eyes of someone who loves me? someone who I've tested time and again and yet no matter what I did, what I said, how much it hurt her she still loved me this love was unconditional..there is nothing I've had to do to earn her love she just loves me..
I'm scared... I'm terrified that even though right now the only thing keeping me going is school. I'm scared I'm going to get back to the breaking point and I'm not going to make it.. so instead of thinking of how I'm terrified how scared I am... I'm trying to prove why I'm not worth it.. how this future of mine isn't worth it..

i mean... I am not family..this is true.. I have risen above all these oppressive things, and chosen to be more... choosen this by some miracle by the grace of God.. I am who I am now.. and yet even in knowing these things I still try fall back because... walking into greatness the work, the hard work of believing in oneself and moving forward.. this terrifies me.. and reality is that officer Michelle was right.. after a suicide attempt the reality is that the difficult thing about moving forward in life is trying to be okay with living..
I'm scared that I can't make it! I'm scared that these things that have haunted me this year will continue onto the next year and I will just continue this cycle of pain i have caused, and I have endured..it will all just continue to the next year..this is one major reason I'd rather not have made it through the holidays.

As the situations all come to mind.. as I see all that I have become and all that has happened.. all these past this past month actually.. I am realizing the oppression that is trying to suffocate me the things that brought me down in the past, the evilness of whatever it is...it's trying to break me down.. and I've allowed it.. I've sat and allwed the pain to come this way... I didn't try stop it I didn't go to help, and i didn't turn to my positive influences..instead i stayed where i am to be what I've always been, and do what I've always done... because this is the state of me that is comfortable..this is where i lose the will to change..
I'm crazy aren't I??? i wish i were..

reallity is that I am not... I am blessed beyond what I know..to have people in my life supporting me, to be loved this much, and to have whatever fighter instinc in me that has kept me alive all this time.. so where do i go from here?
My guess is that I have a choice to make.. to reach out for help to grasp more resources of people that can help me through this chaos of a mess.. that can guide me in these timse, or not even guide but support me, care for me when I don't care for myself..

I realize these things because I see what i am becoming and where I'm going..and as much as I want to let all the darkness envelope me all the pain just destroy me.. .I also realize that there might be more... there might be more to my life that can help others, apparently i have a gift for these abilities of helping others..
I really messed up lately.. I really lost it in these thoughts of mine.. and tomorrow might change tomorrow i might change, or tomorrow i will decide that this is who i want to be.. I will sleep on it because I am deprived of sleep as usual what a suprise... and hope that the rest will help my mind think more clearly.. but I know as I feel it now... the loss that I am beginning to feel and realizing what it is that i am losing..

im sorry.. that i keep getting lost.. that i can't make up my mind.. but i also can't make the right choices as much i had hoped i could.. life here in Vancouver has changed tremendously for me.. I am grown up now, and i am seperated from all the influential people that helped me in the past few years of my life...and their guidance, their opinion helped me.. helped me stay me. and not everything i am now.. without that.. without the right supports of those who love me.. well I am just a broken record continuing with the same tune until no one is left in my life to care about me..

rock bottom

2009-12-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

We have all heard the phrase have to wait till they hit "rock bottom" it means a lot of things to a lot of people and the idea of it is that it's supposed to show you your actions that are wrong and what needs to be done so that the decisions you make in the future won't be as they are now. i dont know if that makes sense but the idea for me is that it changes the ways of life... its a choice a decision that is made by one person and one person alone.. there might be people around that love that person that help them make the right decision or whatever..
I'm think of this phrase for many reasons.. cause I guess in a sense my rock bottom had a lot to do with the people in my life, and the scars on my left arm.. a time in my life that no matter how much i try I will never remember that dreadful night...I'll know how it affected the one person I love and care for tremendously, and I know how much my close friends and family wish they had been there to stop me.. no matter what I do I won't remember... its called the blackout state of mind when I got wasted.. well... that was supposed to be my rock bottom that was the time to realize what I had done wrong..how I can change things so that it won't ever come to that again..

The idea of my rock bottom had a lot to do with the scar on my arm and the month that I spent in the hospital for my suicidal or whatever attempt it had been.. I have heard three different stories of that night from three different people one of whom apparently i owe them a sweater which I found profound my life almost ended that night... and yet now I owe someone a sweater.. what the heck was up with that...it showed me what kind of people I had in my life and what kinds of people I want to have in my life. well than..
I had one lady.. my lady who has been in my life for nearly a year and I could not.. even express the feelings of that... this woman...is an unstoppable woman.. no matter what I do now she won't leave me, she won't stop believing in me..when I fall apart when I try to commit suicide after even that event..she is still here standing by me..believing in me and bringing about memories, things that remind me of why I am what I am now.. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at my left arm and regret surviving that night...the ripple effects of that night have been surviving to now and I regret everything I did.. and all the choices and everything that led up to it..
This wasn't about me..but it's bringing about feelings in me that I cannot help but express.. how much I regret surviving that night and no matter what I do I survived..
Tonight I was suprised to find out that my mentor and friend had a chat with me... and this chat had everything to do with this destiny..this future of mine that is meant to be..
How every obstacle that I have faced I have survived even in the midst of turmoil and darkness how that I have the heart to reach people and change their lives in ways that sometimes I hardly know of...and tonight.. for the first time I realized that's what I did to my ladys life.. there is something remarkable about her...something splendid about knowing her and being in her life, something great about being loved by her, and loving her...there is something in me that won't and refuses to leave her and yet refuses to stay close to her.. and tonight my dear friend mentor and friend spoke to me and asked me if I still used the techinque i had used about needing to be rescued often... and I realized..sadly enough this is the turmoil I have put my lady into.. I have done this techinique earlier on in my life apparently... and use it now... those nights of calling in great despair, those nights of getting wasted and trying to end it all... her reaction was the key to my life.. the key to my future... and no matter what I did she responded..

so now...

I wonder... sadly enough...is this worth it? how do i change what I've always been to something else? I dont want to be this person I don't want to be in the past, I dont want this responsibility of my family and I dont want to have to be what I've always been...If I have been created for greatness shouldn't I be more than what I am now? shouldn't I be less of what I am and more of him? should I let go of 589? should I get over my self-pity and really reach down and grab all these things that have caused me to be where I am now..???????
How do I change a friendship...a love like this? how do I make it less emotional and more everything else? I don't need another codependent relationship? I don't need another person needing me? I dont need to freakin be all i ever was...I need to be more than I ever was, I need to move forward in my life.. and I don't want to be rescued.. because honestly when you get right down to it.... I have something in me..living, breathing, and fighting for the future..even when I dont there is something in me that survived that night, something that has kept me alive and kept me breathing even when I don't want too..

I'm confused.. I'm very confused... when I look at this relationship.. I honestly.. feel a loss as if I can't have fun, I can't do this and i can't do that.. I can't enjoy a time with her that I used to have because I am so full of darkness..so full of pity..so full of anger that I hurt her... I hurt her I wounded her in a way that cannot be explained, a pain I don't even know what it is..instead of her telling me....we move past it...and yet it lingers in my mind and I'm lost... I'm lost.. I dont deserve her, I dont deserve this love and I dont deserve her for everything I've done and the more I'm with her the more Im reminded of how much I have hurt her, how much I have fallen apart how I have always been in the dark!!

Once again so off track...

The main point of this blog tonight...was to talk about the situation that I am finding myself more and more again... a pain..a reality of things that are going on.. I have been asked to make a very difficult decision that I am not sure I can make... I worry of the ripple effects, I worry that I will be hated..but than... this is not the way that I need to be thinking.. the point of my actions is that I care... I care for this person so much more than myself and it requires me to make a decision that I am worried about..but I hope and pray and if one wish would be that this person sees the light that I had seen... the need for change..as scary and painful as it is... there is a future.. no matter how hard I fight it... I didn't even think I'd make it through this holiday I diidn't think I'd be alive and although I've survived some fucked up situations..the reality is i am here.. and this is proof that.... there is life in me..there is a desire for me to change.. an in order for that to happen.. I need to share this desire to change with someone very very close to me..this person has so much going for them, so much of a future... but it requires this rock bottom.. this choice, this decision.... if I do not do this..the ripple effects will be immediate danger to those I care for the most... and so what do I do?? how do I act..react..
i'm lost in this situation..but with much prayer from my mentor and friend, much chatting tonight I realized the decision is obvious as painful as it will be... I must do this.. this is the choice and decision that person will have to live with..because I love that person more than my own life if I could I'd take away all their pain, all their tears, and I'd just really take on every darkness this person is going through I'd become all of it.. but this isn't the imaginery world.. the reality is that this person has allowed this turmoil in their life and I have to try and hope that they will see the light and that i have to help them see it...
i'm not sure if it's possible if this is really what I want to do... but I can only hope...that it all works out..because there are many lives at stack for this.. so.. tomorrow today..is judgement day I will be going and talking this through with the people that need to hear it and I hope that whatever decision is made..that victory will be there for this person..

I can only hope for the best... I have to do this..

back to the start

2009-12-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

It's a little difficult to imagine this year coming to an end.. As I look back at all the crap I have endured, all that I put myself through.. wow if only I could even count for you how many times I ended up in the hospital, how many times I tried to end it all.. How many times I've watched friedns of mine come in and out of my life in a blink of eye.. I dont blame anyone who leaves my life if I could successfully leave my life I would too..I'm choas..I bring about an enormous amount of pain that is not needed for any relationship..
I mean even as I write these words my lady is a few thousand miles away and the last time I texted her was two days ago. look at the friend I am? I dont know how to talk to anyone when I feel the mess I feel now...the fears of everything, the many wrong things being done in my life that I have to feel the way I do.. i have to fix things that normally wouldn't be my place to fix but because it involves family members well that speaks for itself... some like me this way..the protective super human that I am when I'm protecting my family, but you know really... really underneath the shit of it all..I'm shaking outta hell being scared to death... wishing that I didn't have to play this role.. I dont like this person I am..because it's like..
you remember how I said i had changed? well when I become what I am now..those feelings, those urges return to me to become as i was and to just destroy myself to benefit the safety of my family.. the sacrifice for this kind of person I am is to sacrifice my own needs, my responsibilities, and my soul pretty much.. soon enough there won't be a me..there will just be this person that i tried to crucify those years ago..
so than.. we go too.. why don't i just leave? why don't i just walk away and let my mother deal with these issues at hand? why not give her the resources for all the needs here.. well that's simple because i don't trust that anyone can do what I do, and I don't believe my mom realizes the danger that has been brought onto them.

in this past year...as we come to a close.. sadly enough..there is only one thing I would love to walk back too..and of course deep down there is that fighter...but for right now in my current circumstances all these things I'm facing... I say I wish i walked away...I wish that I didnt do everything i did..that one day... I was given a decision to walk away or fight... and sadly enough I chose to fight.. and the outcome of that is that I've destroyed a lot of lives, I've destroyed myself and I've wounded tons of people...I've lost people's trust, people's respect, and just friends all around because i stayed to fight...I didn't walk away..if I had walked away i wouldn't feel all I feel now, I wouldn't think that there was hope or reason...I wouldn't even think there was anything wrong with me and I'd still be tied up on old flames.. sadly enough this is not the case..and no matter what I say.. I can't seem to stand strong on how I wished I was back there..because deep down reality is that I wasn't satisfied I wasn't happy..but
I guess when I'm aware of all the problems I have, and all the things that make me less of a person well realizing I need to work on those things and yet looking back at all this..my family my friends and seeing where they are at..once again I want to step back and not go forward.. I dont want to do it you know? doesn't make sense I'm crazy about staying where I was and not moving forward...

I look at this year...and all that I did all the pain I caused..and sometimes I can't even look at myself.. the first year I had an excuse for the pain I had endured..but this year... everything that I did I did on my own, by my hands I suffered, by my choices and decisions I single handedly destroyed my life..opportunity to become something or someone..this was the new goal.. to really believe in myself, believe in what people seen in me that was worth believing in.. however i dont feel it any longer.
I look at this year.. look at these damn scars and I regret not walking away.. I hated that I didn't walk away because as not happy as I was, I was comfortable not being aware of all the problems I have..and facing them now.. feeling the way I do..I just honestly wish I could start it all over again and walk away..

I'm frustrated... I'm really confused about everything..I mean even though I've hurt and been hurt, that I've broken hearts and lives, I have done something those things start the list of reaching out for help, getting a place to live, and getting into College.. so than.. maybe there is something else for me? And I have to get over my own pity of my own pain and the pain of others, those who don't forgive me for what i've done well it's their choice and it's their right..i've really been destructive.. but now.. i have to let it go..and even in that... I'm honestly tired of that idea... tired of letting go when really...
there are days I feel this worthless feeling of being alive, being a waste of air, being a waste of a good name... and just being as messed up as i am..with the kind of past I have.I feel like I don't deserve this you know? why me? why does it have to be me? I mean why can't it be someone else? Why does it have to be me?

How do people struggle with these things and yet find their way to victory? how can this happen, why does it have to be me? I can't seem to find my way through these times and honestly my body is on it's last straw of taking another beating..
I'm feeling lost.. what a suprise right? that I feel this way? i chose this you know? that's the bottom line..if I hadn't chosen this well I wouldnt be here right now..

its over

2009-12-26T01:00:00.000-08:00

the dishes are done.only took me couple hours to clean up the house...I am now sitting in my blue room listenning to the laughter of my two sisters... After writing lastnight I was reminded that life is not that easy for me... things are going to get real difficult.. and I'm worried about the situations that I will soon face... a real test of my heart, a taste of the strength in my fist, or my words..
I feel extremly sad about the events that happened lastnight... lets start off with the only person who can ruin anyone's life..his name is Bob.. he took my brother out on Christmas eve and they got drunk...it was then after that my brother told me a situation that he will have to deal with at the cost of the safety of those I care for.. I won't lie.. I broke down in anger and frustration and took it out on myself..feeling like once again that I had failed..if only I would've known, if only this or that.these things won't change what he did..and now I must live with this fear..and hope that all my peeps who told me if ever I needed a favor they would be there for me...this is the time I might be calling up my boys.
I wrote a nasty e-mail to my lady... I was upset and I was scared.. I didn't know what to do.. this is a time of family, of love, laughter or just a sense of peace of mind..and instead within 25min my idea of christmas came to an end...in realizing the circumstances I have now found myself in and the choices and decisions I make will determine the outcome of something that no family should ever face...once again a testiment to the burden that I find myself carrying in this family.

those are yesterdays worrys tho

I want to say.. regardless of all the worry and anger that i held.. I put on facade, I put on my mask for a day like today... to be enveloped with family... we laughed, we shared an unspeakable joy together that carries on as i write my thoughts...just downstairs my sisters are unaware of the situations or circumstances, or even the consequences that may arise... they won't know unless something happens..an I am now going to be here to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to call in my friend who is the only man I trust, the only person I know that could help me deal with this kind of situation
sorry off track again..this is honestly bothering me tremendously... and I wish that I could go back in time and make my brother make better decisions...I wish that I couldve been here for him the way he needed me to be...however the cost of that would've probably been my life because I was a real broken mess..and although in many ways I still am..there has been a change in my life..and no matter what I say or do my lady along with many others won't let me forget that there is change in my life...that I've come a long way since I was 18yrs old..making the decision for Ontario regardless that I'm sad at what's happened in my family since I was gone.. i realize that it was the best decision for me because I know now that if I hadn't made that decision I couldn't be here today..

Christmas..today... was beautiful... this is all I wanted... was to sit an enjoy the joy in the eyes of my brothers and sisters even my mother... to see them happy.. we didn't argue, we all helped and we all worked together as a family.the way I had hoped could come to pass for so long. it wasn't about who did what, who didn't do this or that.. we all chipped in, we all got to enjoy a game system.. Wii can you believe that???? My family recieved a Wii system!! I couldn't believe it and how much fun we all had on it all day... it was only about three hours ago that we all started to wind down and stop playing..because my mom went to bed, and I went on a cleaning spree.. we shared an amazing dinner together...and than we watched my mom and my uncle Dave learn how to play Wii.. it was wonderful.. this is exactly how I would've wanted to spend christmas..no fighting, no yelling, nothing like that...we all shared, we all communicated.. we all were here together spending Christmas together..enjoying new clothes, new games, new laughter, and just the joy that I had felt I needed.
for a brief moment I was able to get past what I might have to do or who I might have to become and i was able to enjoy myself and have some fun...i'm actually competitive when it comes to games I try my best and quick to learn and kick ass..

It doesn't change... what may or may not happen..and I now know what I have to do to protect my family..protect myself...and make the right decision no matter the cost.. I didn't get our family in this mess but you better be sure i'm going to get us out.. there is no way in the world I want my younger brothers and sisters to pay the price for something my brother decided to do..
it hurts me you know??

I wish...just for one day.. my father could be here.. to speak to the boys, to love them, and share his love and stories with them..to tell them the price the consequence and cost that comes too when making selfish irreversible decisions...
I missed my father a lot today... as the girls made their father an account on Wii it made me think.. you know.. if only... if only.. I know things would be not as they are now if only he hadn't gone away..if he hadn't died..

I had hoped...to start the new year with some goodness..but i feel I have thought very wrong an will be facing some unspeakable consequences of someone else's actions.. but once again this is where the person..the person i have been and will continue to be..the one that holds strong and unbreakable values in my family... to become the brick, the beast, the unbreakable person the rock, the everything that would prevent harm from rising up on any of them... I can't fail at this again.. I can't let them go through this alone..not after I've created all the respect from the streets, from close friends who have connections, from all my supports... I won't give up that easily..and I wont feed my brother to the lions..he will not walk through this difficult journey alone and I will be here for him..I am determined
I have decided to put all my stuff aside...what a suprise eh? lol and focus on getting my brother outta this mess he has found himself in.. and hopefully after that get him some serious help from someone anyone who is able to reach out to him in ways that I never will..

This was a good day..even with the bad news... it was good because I spent it with my family and i spent it here...alive...maybe broken bruised an bleeding but I'm here..and for now that's all I have you know? for now it has to be enough..because I can't give any more than I already have..

Merry Christmas everyone!
laterz

Christmas history

2009-12-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

I just read a bulletin from a cause I am involved in on FB and it compelled me to write a great thanks to the person who had the heart to share those amazing words exactly what I needed at a time like this... words of encouragement, inspiration, and strength to continue on living and loving at whatever way that is coming my way.

I left my mothers house lastnight in anger in tears really... the arguing and lack of giving that happened in this house finally became more than I could handle and I finally had enough.. enough of the fighting, enough of feeling like I didn't matter, that my presence here didn't matter. It honestly felt like history recreating itself in a way that hurt me beyond repair..so I left the situation..
Anyhow... I came back and since returning things have been good.. no arguing and an honest sense of helping eachother.

But this note that I read... it was from a stranger as I know it...but it was telling me that I'm worth it even during this season and time in my life. that no matter what I've done this past year of my life no matter the damage I caused, no matter the heartaches I've had, and everything literally EVERYTHING is going to be okay...to tell me that I'm worth it..my life is worth living, my life is worth living...words of the greatest encouragement that I could ever comprhend to say how much that letter made my day made me realize how important I am no matter what goes on in my head.
Sadly enough as strong and courageous as some may think I am... the image I've created for myself has been beyond repair.. At times I feel the worthlessness in the depths of my soul and it creeps up and I destroy every good thing in my life... trying to battle with myself and tell myself that I'm not worth this life.. especially at this time of the year.. of Christmas..family time.. etc.. I could not feel more hopeless in knowing I'm not completely certain how much i can be here for my family... I battle my own self in all the has happened...

To live each day... to be here eachday... trying to live... its beyond words I can speak of how much pain and suffering the trials and tribulations of my life have caused me great pain.. the obvious signs of my trauma are written and forever scars on my arms... this was in the past eight months of my life... to even imagine going through another year of anything... it's a breaking point for me.. to find the courage even just for today to be all that I need to be...to get through the day.. I dont know how to do it you know? the facade of me... is the one that says everything is fine, or that I dont care anymore.. really these are the signs of the true brokenness of my heart...
I have felt that I have failed... failed at living... People tell me to keep going..even when I don't think I can stand another step of this day... people continue to tell me to keep fighting.. to not drink, not cut.. not go back into the lifestyle I had made for myself in believing so wholeheartidly that this was the way I'd spend the rest of my life.in a broken mess of whatever

Tonight...however

this letter came to me...and made me feel what I have waited to feel all this time... a love.. an honest love that came from a stranger..it doesn't matter if i dont have presents, that I may be disappointed tomorrow with my family arguing.. the greatest thing is that someone out there cared enough to send a message of love, of strength, and just life... this is what I needed and what I love beyond what words can say.

you know... there are tons of people who believe so strongly in me...that sometimes their love and strength that is sent is more than I could handle... I always think if only they would walk one day in my shoes to feel the things I do in a day, to feel the heartache of each day.. the fear of failing.. the worthlessness of my past the creeps up and reminds me that I'll never really get there you know? just to understand why I feel this way... act this way.
but I guess..inspite of all that I feel I am facing... there is a fighter underneath all these things in my life..
If there wasnt...I'm certain I would not be here now.

So than.. after realizing even if there is still someone here in me..beneath the darkness of me there is a fighter...

Today for the second time.. I went through Skid Row... seeing Pigeon Park a landmark in my life.. as it was the times I seen my father for the last times he was alive.. than when we think of that and see it now...what I would give just to be held in his arms you know?
the Christmas history... well.. the greatest most precious Christmas i will forever remember is when my father... for the first and last time.. he was clean and sober and he spent Christmas with us for the first and last time.. he had couple things he wanted for Christmas.. first was to be clean and sober, second was to hold his son Jeffrey for the first time which happened, and last was just to be with us..which he was... this christmas is forever engraved in my soul.. because it wasn't about the values of how much money is in the persons pocket, had nothing to do with things like ps3 or games, clothes, nothing like that.. all it was is family... all my father wanted was to be with family..and that's all I hold true too as well.. thats all I want

My younger sisters father is back.. I hope it won't be difficult because I really don't want to destroy my family single handly... I'm here to enjoy Christmas with my family at whatever way I can.. to capture the goodness..because I'm desperate for the beauties of this time in my life.

will see how it goes..

I miss my lady tons and I love her unconditionally.. I send her a Merry Christmas and all my love <3

I send a Merry Christmas to all who read my blog.. we are living in a world of great beauties, great opportunities.. great gifts.. watch for them.. enjoy your family.. enjoy your friends.. and just as I was told.. know your worth more than you know!

come so hard

2009-12-23T00:17:00.000-08:00

well it seems at the moment my cat doesn't like my computer as I write the words of tonight my precious cat sits pretty close to my computer..lol

Its kind of crazy to think of lastnight and how terrible I felt physically and how much it's different today and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the medications I've been taking.. however even with the medications I still didn't stop..I forced myself to get up and do stuff i fell asleep which was nice... but... than I went off helping everyone in the house and than by tonight I did all the dishes some with my brother and than i finished them off. I figure if anything I might as well do it as I wasn't tired.
It got me thinking...of some times I remember in the past...its so stupid that this comes to mind.. but most of the Christmas or so that I remember when it was a special occassion it was always my father who cleaned up and did everything... so tonight when I did the dishes I figured maybe he did them because it was his way of telling her he loved her, and wanted to help her.

I think the holidays are most difficult for me because I know he's not around and I'm not sure I will ever forget him or the times we had together... I know there were a lot of things he did that I didn't understand because I was so young, he was struggling so much... but he was also my father...in all his glory in all his essence he was my father...and no matter the memories I have of him in whatever ways I have them...there isn't a time that I don't know what it's like to have him with me, to have him hold me in his arms, to cry in front of me..and to smile, laugh and enjoy some good times... I was thinking about it tonight as I was channel surfing looking for Christmas programs..I remember when I was a kid those cheesy christmas movies on TV how entertaining they were...and how lucky I felt to have been able to spend that time with my father... sitting on his favorite chair he held me in his arms... man alive could not describe how much I know I was loved by him, and since he's been gone...I think there's a lot of fear around trust, love etc.
Living life... living now... its difficult... with all my glory and goodness just like any human person I have my flaws too... some things I'm not proud of but things that I don't regret you know?

I mean of all things my scars as horrible as they are..they don't have to be my whole life you know? I don't have to be defined by these scars on my body...i could choose to rise above this darkness. I mean the past few weeks... have been beyond difficult for me to deal with and I have been in a place because of whatever reason I have....I have been scared and disappointed in myself and the things I've done and the way I've acted..my behavior is a major part of me that proves the brokenness in my soul as i struggled to figure out what was going to happen next.. this is not the way I had hoped my life would be..I actually wrote more than enough times that I didn't feel I would or could survive the next few weeks..that I would fail fall short or just end up messing it all up...
more and more how I've been prove wrong..the days are coming to and end of the year.. and I'm still here...I may be secluded but it's also now because I am sick that I have to stay indoors..

I'm not crazy.... I go off and on about many different things at the moment..I'm not really sure where everything is or how everything is supposed to be..if I choose right things or if I fall apart and just brokenness...
There is an emptiness in my soul..there is a fear of living. fear of many things... an all around shame of all i have put those I love through....a constant question I have that won't be answered because that day should not come..

this year... has felt like one of the worst years of my life..more painful than my father's death and more painful than all the deaths i dealt with last year. I look forward to this year ending and hope that if anything that the life that is fighting and raging in me will come forth so that I won't have to fight to live any longer..that it will just blossom in me...to want to enjoy life the way it was meant to be...

well... hopefully tomorrow will be a day of rest because I'm feeling sick still and still have not taken a day for myself...

the signs

2009-12-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

I think that I've been through my share of difficulties this Christmas.. This morning we had to leave the house and at first of course the parent in me directed the events of today... This has been an interesting holiday this time around as i scope around and see my family.. nothing would warm my heart than just to continiously tell them how much I cherish each of them. it has nothing to do with the life they live, the things they do, or what they say or do to me..my heart has always been in them... they are my sacturary..they are my place of solitude.. each of them carries a trait of me and my life...the legacy I had hoped to see months ago...in thinking my life had to be perfect that I had to become something more than this, that someone else would live my life the way I had hoped too..
This is not the case in this situation..as i proudly introduce all of my family members I could not be more proud to be alive and here today... we spent the day travelling together and I continued to think of my father wishing he were here, but as i looked into my brother's eyes I knew he was because we carry him with us wherever we go..
We went to the new Tim Hortons and I was filled with joy it didn't matter what kind of people we were, how poor we are, it was about sitting and enjoying the greatest part of Canadian life sitting in that Tim Hortons surrounded by my family....except Jeff of course..

Today I introduced myself to strangers...I'm not sure why but I believe this is a part of Christmas that must be expressed in giving to others...whether it be a good morning, friendly smile, or merry Christmas...this is what I'm living here for..is to see these moments and capture them in a way that cannot be explained.
I mean...one thing I continued to say to my lady was that with family there will always be difficulty, there will always be one or two family members who struggle with whatever history they had, whether there or not...its that we are there now and sharing an unconditional love.. no matter what happens I'll always love angie and randy. they are my brother and sister. I care for them and believe the person they are underneath the drugs and alcohol.. its not the surface that I look too it's their heart.

Just as much as I believe my lady loves me....she loves me because she has seen a light underneath the darkness I have felt...underneath the scars, underneath the hard shell of the beast of me...in the depths of it all there is a light there is a beauty that very rarely we ever have the chance to see...however when we do..life could not be more perfect because that is the person that I was meant to be...I do not regret who I am.. this lifestyle of mine the times of my past, the trials, the pain, and heartache..I dont regret it because I know with it the seasons have caused me to change and grow, and live in whatever way I felt necessary for that season.

i feel very outta it..at the moment...i have been sick for over a week and tonight I'm not sure what it is that's got to me..the lack of sleep, the pills, the cough syrup that I feel now I should not have taken because i think it was over its expiration date.. well..theres a lot going on in my head as I lay here my head pounding my breathing acting differently... the scratch in my throat, the runny nose..I know that this sickness is here to force me to stop...stop and take care of myself and all that I must take care of... I can't let myself push my own limits because it'll hurt me if I try much harder...I'll feel myself falling apart.. just yesterday I felt like I had been getting better and than lastnight happened and everything has changed I feel like I'm getting worse I think the added stress of lastnight and fear, anger etc..lack of taking care of myself..has pushed me back into this sickness..once again forcing me to look at myself..and finding ways to take care of myself.
I need to be better so that i can be here for them..those kids are the world to me and I know i'm not there parent but in part a piece of me is their parent in some form..they all look up to me, watch me my actions and my reactions, everything I do is seen by them.... even lastnight was a test of the life of me..the person I could've been and the person i chose to be...and I reacted with great honor and I held back everything and made the right decision...because deep down as my lady continues to say to me that this is the person I am supposed to be...deep down I know as she does that there is life underneath it all..because...I was created for greatness...and I dont know what I'm going through right now...

But I know I'm here...I'm here physically, in the present absorbing the good and bad of family gatherings..I could not be more proud of being a part of this family...to love each of them unconditionally..and to respect them and their choices and decisions..I know each of them will do great things and even if they don't it doesn't matter because of them mean the world to me and no matter what they do I will always love them..

todays events...were memorible..I cherished today because I spent it with my family enjoying the city the good and bad...and we have the new Tim Hortons to remember this time whatever way that might seem.. it's been a beautiful day with the family..I needed this..I needed to be dirt poor right now, and have them not ask for money but a good laugh and some good pictures, videos of today...this is how I'd like to spend Christmas just a day like today... less drama and more love, laughter and joy..there might be hope for Christmas in this household afterall.

Good day...good night... i really really need to get better and stop being paranoid about the feelings that are going on in my body....I'm not sure what it is but if it gets worse welll than its another trip to the doctor, or hospital...hopefully it's just my body telling me I need some rest...

with that I say goodnight

collapse

2009-12-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

The events of today must be reminded to me of the person I could've been and the choices I made to be smarter than that... I'm not even sure what to write about but at first I'll write about the memories I have of this man that was a monster in my life....He met my mom very shortly after my fathers death I never had a desire to know him because I felt it was too soon for him to be with my mom....not less than a year later they had my sister....
the years that followed were covered in the things that created what i believe the beast of me...
He was a violent man a woman abuser, and he hated me and my brothers for breathing... we had to fight for food, fight for a moment with our mother, and we had to fight for her to recognize we were her children.. so you can catch my drift when I say he really was a major part of my childhood problems after my father's death... I had been abused and hurt by him and I know a lot of the beginning of things I had started had a lot to do with his words... i still remember what he used to say... "should I stick a needle in my arm and kill myself like your father" He really despised me...
I listened to a lot of hard ass rotten hater music because of him..
Well... after he had my sister they had another one..my baby sister... and he was gone before she was even born..all messed up in drugs and alcohol...got into a lot of trouble..my sisters hardly knew him and even now hardly know him... Now that I was older I made some solid decisions to put fear in his eyes of me and my brothers...we were bigger now, older and full of anger towards such a man like this..
So now when he came around he'd know me..he'd know I was no longer afraid of him and there will never be a day again that he'd ever hit anyone of us... since than he's been afraid of coming around because my fist is strong, I am strong..

However about a week ago he ended up showing up at my mom's door step...and when that day came i knew I would not be leaving my mother's house...as long as this man was in the house I would not leave...at first few days he was good coperative, and used good communication skills. not long after however.... that beast of him started to come out... I tried..to stand back.. because one thing I said to his daughters, my sisters is that I would not cause him harm unless he hurt anyone in the family...this is who I am now... I reminded them continously that I didn't know what it was like to have a father, and I would not deprive them of him. I did tell them that if anything happened that I would have to step in..,but that I didn't want too because I wanted them to know their father..
Honestly it was good..they laughed. they cried from laughing, their stomachs hurt from laughing.. they were happy..I was happy to have them happy because there is nothing greater than a child's laughter..their father really made them smile and had fun with them...

Than tonight happened...

Tonight was a true test of what kind of person I am... and what i could do...but once again the constant only thing in my mind is those girls.. I would not want to jeopordize their opportunity to have their father with them..so i restrained from the anger and frustration I wanted to dish out as this man..their father came stumbling into the house..drunk... he was tanked..and it was the first time the girls had seen this event..and both of them broke down in tears...my fists began to clentch as i prepared myself to get into a fight...to finally use my abilities as a very strong young woman to prevent this man from causing harm on anyone in the family. I would rather him come at me than hurt anyone...the emotional toll of his choices was the tie breaker of the pain I had wished my sisters would never have to experience...
My brother...was the only one who made the right decision..if it were up to me..I would drag him out and throw him outta the house for his stupidity in deciding to drink and come staggering back to his kids... we ended up calling the cops and they came and helped us deal with them. I explained his history with our family how he became violent under the influence how he had hurt us, and how he has a history of violent behaviours in this household..and that i wouldve done everything to protect them..they applauded my brother for calling the cops...

The night...has ended...in a way I wish wouldve never come to pass..he was forcibly removed from the house and is probably sitting at a police station drunk tank..
he has money for the bus to go home...the girls don't want to see their father anytime soon... this is all thanks for his own choices but also the helping hand of a man that I never trusted and wish that wasn't involved with my family...

The heartache and pain that those girls suffered..tonight... I could've ripped someone's head off because I was so angry about the whole situation.I just wanted to save them from this pain. save them from all these things that they witnessed of tonight..
with that the stories...came.... I told them about the nights with my father...how no one opened the door for him, how he slept outside the sliding door..how i stayed up late night until my mother was asleep just to let my dad in,...and how lucky the girls are to have my brother and I around to find a place for their father, whereas my father would cry his heart out..
I explained to them... that any decision I had decided would have been for their own good... I love these kids tremendously unconditionally... and both girls came to me saying that this was the worst christmas ever...

the events of today.... has truly hurt me because I had witnessed the pain in their eyes.. it brought back the pain in my own...when I witnessed these sorts of things as a daily experience that I had to face..
I did however tell them why...why I didnt do hardcore drugs, why I wanted to break the cycle and why I loved them regardless that I had hated their father...and that I love them uncondtionally..and that no matter what happens that will never change..

well... thats the events of today... the pain and heartache I have dealt with days before Christmas... and with that... I must sleep...its going to be a crazy week and I hope that we all can recover from this difficult night.... there is fear in my heart as I worry he will come back and if that happens...than I'll have to put on the armor of the beast of me...an react... but I hope that he's smart enough to know he cannot come back here..this is not his home....and his daughters are hurt by these events...

laterz

overwhelmed

2009-12-19T22:21:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure exactly whats going on with me right now...I'm not sure...It could be that for the last three days my brother has been drinking....I have been at my moms forever and i've been cleaning, and do everything...dealing with children rather than teenagers and adults...Ive found myself dealing with children...it bothers me...and than on top of all that..I just can't imagine what I will be doing with my life...you know?
i realize that even though I dread the day of my birthday coming up in a few months..reality is I'm looking at all the things I had hoped or places I had hoped to be.... Realizing these things... knowing the future I had hoped for may not come to pass... all by my own hands..I have single handly destructed my own future and all that awaited or that I thought had awaited me... All the plans all the goals I had hoped to accompish...well its not going to happen..
I'm feeling the feelings I once felt...the feelings that I have to choose to fight my own demons in times like these.... christmas is coming up and I dont feel the season.. I just want to hide.. just not be here on that day... I'm not a happy person right now...I'm not happy about all the responsibilities I have found myself carrying...and people keep telling me to stop to just let them go...but than I do and few months later I'm back and life has not changed and everything is still the same...and i can't help but want it to be better...I have high hopes for certain people in my family that i know if i stick around maybe they will do better...but I guess I may or may not be let down...but I'd hope my presence here would make a difference..

It actually got me thinking.... of this idea of darkness...of the things that cause me or help me choose self-destruction...the idea of suicide or death of me... the idea of the effects I would have on many many people... it bothers me because these people have great things going for them.. to imagine where they would be if i had choosen something like that...It got me thinking... you know how much it wouldn't matter if I was drinking or doing drugs? I'd be like my sister a ghost.. someone that you rarely see and when you do it's a unwanted presence... but than when I think of going back to drinking or someting all's I can see is my death coming to pass..and than when it comes to drugs...well... no matter what I do... when I think of drugs I think of my father, I think of my auntie I think of my older sister...and thats all I need to think about when it comes to drugs... so than what else is there? there is a choice... a choice to not allow the little things that are tormenting me now destroy me...but when i am where I am..acting or behaving this way and witnessing all these damn things than I feel like a failure.. I feel the worthlessness and the damn fear of my past...the fear of that piece of shit of me that is trying to cry...

i should've went away.. i shouldve just left..I should have just bought a ticket and left.. and said screw it all... but reality is I couldn't do that because I know that i can't.. I cant do that..that's no longer who I am..this is not what I can do... so i am stuck here... and so I have to hope that tomorrow I'll get some air...maybe travel as far away from here as i can possibly go just to get away... because if i dont than I won't be able to make it much longer. I worry you know.. I worry about myself in this state of mind..because this is the vulnerable part of me.. this is the part of me that is so close...so close to destruction...I have to recognize these feelings recognize that this is just for the moment and hope that i can be smart enough to choose the right decision even if i only can make it to another day...that's all that matters you know? just one more day...One more moment, one more...just one...

once again convincing myself I am not going crazy...I'm not... I may have lost everything that I felt mattered to me...and even than at times I dont even know who I am now.. I dont know what's going on with me... the confusion of this stupid mind games i play with myself between life and death... and the destruction of myself...damn it you have no idea how ashamed I feel for being so damn stupid to continue to cut to have these disgusting scars on my arms! I have to wait another year before I can put a tattoo over one of them but the other one I'll never be able to cover it! I really hate this part of me that has to be like this...

I'm not losing it...just trying to figure things out...i have too...I really have too... I can picture the results of any choice i make that is not fighting to live..i can see it...and at times like this moment it is the only thing stopping me...no one...should ever struggle like this..and I am! what is wrong with me! I'm sick of trying sick of this battle that I am feeling the way I'm feeling...

trying to breath...I just one more day...one more day that's all I can deal with is tomorrow... that's it...

think of me

2009-12-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

another song that I have come to really enjoy "think of me" by Haystack...Where to begin with words? I feel like a hassle eto my family my presence here is not welcome because I live by rules, guidelines and limitations...things that were taught to me by foster parents, by people who cared for my well being... things that made me smarter and protected in any situation... I have noticed that since my presence being here it doesn't seem to be that way at all.... it seems the opposite..I'm making people cry, making them do something other than nothing.... in the process of this I'm forced to see what kind of family I have...
Is it that terrible that I feel like I can't even be here for christmas? I cant put myself through this much longer.. I thought that I could withstand the flaws of my family to accept them as they are, and hope one day for change...regrettably this does not seem to be the case..As i continue to see someone in my family continously reach for a bottle....I can't stand this sight of him...this whatever it is that is in him that is causing him to act this way... its because of him that i feel like I can't be here any longer... I cant try help my family when they are comfortable with this kind of lifestyle...
You know whats really sad? I'm trying to fight my own demons on whether the events of now are my fault...those teenage years of acting that way, those years of torment...what am I talking about not even years ago less than eight months ago...I've destructed myself...and it had affected them and although I didn't force the bottle into his hand....well I wasn't a good example...not only that its almost like they are numb to it you know? Don't notice it or try to avoid it because of whatever reason...

i'm not looking forward to leaving...its honestly not what i want to do... I worry about them.. I worry about what they will do, or have done or what might happen to them... the amount of people in the house...well it seems my words are gold, I am the man of the house..I keep the peace, I keep protection...but the ultimate price of it..I guess is that I am the most despised person in the house.... for the first time in days weeks months I feel tears wanting to run down my face because I'm getting fed up..... I'm feeling the familiar feelings of snapping from the events I am forced to face with family... I'm not sure whats going to happen..I can only hope that whatever decision I make..I only make for my benefit...I have always been known to sit and be tortured at the expanse of my soul just for the safety for my family... I could be beaten and hurt badly before I'd ever turn my back on my family.
If only things were different you know...If only

I worry....I worry tremendously...that actions and choices and decisions I make now... instead of death, instead of drugs, instead of alcohol, instead of self abuse...what have I done? I feel like I'm not doing much...I feel like i'm causing more damage because my words can be venom and I can literally hurt more than help...
I guess....the time has come...to go back... go back to my home...go back and hope that the familly will take care of themselves... I can't do this any longer.. I worry for my safety how much more of this I can handle.... this is honestly breaking me...

Other than the drama of the house.... I guess..I'm trying to figure things out you know.. I'm not sure how I'm going to work through these times in my life..i just..i need to get through this.. i need to make the decisions for myself, in the eyes of my family they will see it as selfishness but reality is I'm good to no one until I take care of myself...and this is the first part to it...

who knows whats going to happen...what is the right decision.... whats the right words... I'm tired and exhausted to think of answers tonight...but I hope that I make the right decision before doing something stupid...no not stupid but just don't need any more of this crap of my own darkness mixed with family stuff..dont need that..

leads to nowhere

2009-12-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not giving in... I worry about writing these words as I scan the situations I have found myself in.. the mentality that I currently have about screwing up my life... cutting,drinking whatever the case might be...sadly enough i had even mentioned drugs because I personally know if that day ever came I would not recover from that sort of regret. The reality of it lies within my words, my choices and decisions as a person, sister, human being and sometimes a friend.
I dont know where my life is bound to take me in whatever sense that it might want to come forth or come by...even as i write these words I wonder about school, about my living situations. I have many thoughts of craziness and pain...but underneath it all..there is in the small dark crevices is me...the person the fighter that so many people are looking for...

I'm often unaware of my ability to survive....to survive every horrible tragedy I felt I've faced or may face in the future.. There is a deep longly in me hoping I'd fall short, that I'll fail or something but reality is it's not gonna happen for me...part of that proof to me is the perfect marks I got in school... Even in all the darkness in all the pain I had been facing I learned things and wrote those assignments with tears in my eyes and yet the response was more great than I had expected..
Just the other day... I was talking to my lady about what it feels like for me to have people tell me they are supporting me, they are there for me...and how they had failed me in what felt like some of my most vulnerable states... the analogy I used for that.. was trying to get a crippled person to walk... with support it might be possible there might be hope for that person, but as soon as that support falls apart or walks away, cancels appts, or anything that is when the person falls right back to the ground....and each time I am forced to get back up I wonder when will the next time be? when will the next time someone not be there for me? I talk so often about the fear of being alone... its one major reason i can't end my life...its why I got of the ledge, it's why i did what I did... i cant stand the idea...

I had an appt the other day...and I was told the reason I push my lady or try to push her outta my life is because I want to prove my point that at some point everyone has enough...and that I am not worthy of that kind of love, friendship or life.... it kinda made sense.. but my point of view honestly... in all the blogs i wrote, in all the journal entries I've written....there is a pattern of brokenness and i know there is only an extent that people can comprhend...I am a lot.. i do a lot of not so great things to myself and a lot of the time I'm not exactly sure why...
Could it be the following: I'm a mistake, I'm worthless, I was never loved, i was belittled, I am weaker than everyone believes, I am unworthy of the life at hand... I was abused, I am an angry hurt person... I haven't cried in a long time and when I do...I have to do something stupid like cutting just to know it's ok...
the pattern of my life is destruction...I've played with fire all my life... been burned and been hurt, been lost in the flames...and whenever people try to come alongside me an help me it doesn't last it can't last...this flame, this fire of me is mine alone....I'm not ready to give it up because for me I see this as protection, and fear.. I am afraid of what my life will look like outside of this fire.... I wrote it in my journal..
we talk about healing, talk about the future as if it will come to pass for me...but I wrote in my journal that everyone is telling me the grass is greener on the otherside of this brokenness that I can get through this and that I'll be happier...however when I look at it I don't see that...I imagine that I'll become a soft person who lets destruction envelope my family, to have to cry, talk about feelings and what not...not my taste of life... I was taught to never trust no I was shown that trust is broken and there is an ultimate price to it... not worth it... I was told that everything I am..is wrong..everything I learned everything I know is wrong..my life was not meant to be.....

people talk about this great person that I am..this great person that I may become one day... who in the world would want someone like me to survive...why...why is it so important...I look at my scars and see the pain...I dont see testimony I see destruction...I am not healed and it seems everytime I strive for that healing....I start to take one step and than support is gone and than I give up for a bit....and than try again knowing it'll happen again...I'm told this is part of healing.. is this really part of healing??? people asking me what they could do to help me...when reality is I dont know...I think just not leaving me alone, telling me their there when or if I needed them.. just something....its when i feel the all alone mentatlity that I find myself going into destruction and the worst part is that once that starts to happen....than things in my life start to come together to be sure I stay in that darkness..
such as family issues, childhood pain, life in general... things that feel more destructive...when I feel alone and I get more destructive.

I mean of all things that holidays are here...I didn't buy anything for anyone...I couldn't afford too but the same thing is I also dont want to base the love i have for my family on some gift that i know in a few months wont matter... the fun for me in this time is just to spend time with eachother, to have a good laugh, enjoy life event for a second...this is why I like where I'm at being at my moms...to be here with them...to laugh, to be a part of this family...
the holidays have changed tremendously... it hurts to see how much its changed...I mean I remember my father one or his only Christmas clean and sober and the only thing he wanted one thing he wanted, the only wish he had on his wish list was to hold my brother jeffrey in his arms for the first time, to spend time with us...that's all he wanted..nothing to do with clothes, gadgets, expansive things...all's he wanted was to be a part of this family...what happened to our world that there isn't much of that happening anymore?

alright...I'm talking too much again...but I'm just.... trying to find myself..find that person everyone is fighting for....so that I can fight for her too...because it is ultimately true that I am tired of where I am currently in my life...I'm tired of the pattern of destruction happening in my life right now....I need change, I desire it but I also fear it tremendously....but I look at someone like my lady...and I'm in awe of how great she is, how beautiful, how precious, and how rare she is... to have as a friend to have in my life...to see her...is to see the endless possibilities of greatness that may await me in the future.... no matter what I have to fight myself in trying to get her outta my life...But I really want to stop hurting her, stop doing everything I do that causes her to worry, that causes her to feel pain or concern because I did something... I just.. I really cherish her tremendously and I just dont know how to stop being what I am and start being what I need to be...to enjoy life with her! to enjoy life just for myself...

laterz

the past

2009-12-10T00:26:00.000-08:00

An interesting few days I take it...I have been hiding away for ages and tomorrow be the first time I'm getting out for a bit... of course I'm not very certain of what I will be doing but hope for good results regardless of whatever it is that I decide to do.
I must say I've found myself in an unfamiliar space of my life... worried about the future and all that awaits there... I must say for starters so far my assignments are awesome and I've finished them and been recieving the marks and I'm suprised... I know where I was when I wrote those assignments.. my heart was darknened with the reality that I felt I would never change from the beast of me..
Yet even in the darkness I was able to bring out the reality, the situation, being in the present without freaking losing my mind...and even though i feel like i'm losing my mind and everything is really unfamliar to me... I mean reality is that I just feel like I'm not going to make it... You know if there were a bet going on about when I'd live or die.. I'd really bet I wouldn't survive... I'm struggling so much..and the one thing that roles through my head is my lady... her words of needing something good in my life inspite of everything..

I hadn't realized how much I had dealt with in the last few months... and even the last few days.. I feel my body telling me to smarten up and take care of myself... I feel my mind telling me lies of the beast...and I feel my heart telling me all the goodness I have and all the love unconditional love I have...and than words come out and all that comes fourth is the beast of me...as my lady has said it the "I don't care" mentality.. a desire to not care when according to some supports in my life it means I really do... but reality for me is that it's a system I have in place for me to protect myself and others...or even from others...
I realized how much I had been let down... and although there were days my heart was weak and I did cry for help... reality is that's not gonna happen for me..it's not written in the stars for me to get the help I need, I have to take it! I have to fight for it! Oh my goodness!!! What a suprise huh? Having to fight to live yet again...not fighting anyone physically believe you me that ever happen I wouldn't worry about nothing... but to fight the own demons I have raging within myself... Each day I start to lose it...

I can stare at a sky and just be blank, look into the eyes of my lady and be so cold... I'd say something ridiculous... I am not the person she had hoped I'd become... I'm not the person I'd hoped to be while living here in Vancouver... everything has been so mistaken, so much regret, so much pain, so much being alone! so much terror in my soul that everyday I wake up I wonder if I can even survive today! and if something anything, one thing, this or that goes wrong than I'm going to explode and I'm going to ruin every good thing about me, I'm going to get what I feel I deserve as a failure, as a worthless piece of nothing..
I know i know... not the words a leader or role model should be saying...not the words any human person should be saying... but if really..honestly if you knew what went on in my head you'd probably pull the trigger because I'm so outta here...so not where i thought I was going to be..

Through all the deaths...all them deaths I have really been struck by lightning and really have lost all the goodness in my soul... the anniversary date came and went and I couldn't help it.. but wonder you know... what if... should have... damn it! whats wrong with me... someone once said something to me about being afraid to live... not knowing what that might look like...since I went through or am going through this crazy phase of wanting to die...to now I wanna live and because I don't know what that looks like, what it feels like, I just want to pretend I didn't say that.. or maybe I am punishing myself for all my short-comings as a person, a friends, a sister, a daughter, whatever the case..there is a sense of worthlessness in my soul that cannot be explained...
I have tried many and many times to forget about my birthday...why remember a day that was not celebrated? by any living person today? why? no matter how much I try forget the reality is I can't forget.. and even than as this birthday comes I'm thinking what have I done? what have I done with my life? what am I doing?
I believe strongly that others deserve someone better than me! reality is... on the outside I am what I am...on the inside..it's deep beautiful and faith grows...but reality is.... look at my arms, look at these wounds, look at this heart of mine... how could this brokeness be repaired? especially if I've made my life out of my broken heart...out of fear..

I'm rambling... I'm just stuck with thoughts and need a breather.. I need to get away.. I want to fly away ;)
whether life or death is coming... for now..for this moment... it doesn't make a difference to me either way because I don't feel much alive enough as is..

laterz

hold on

2009-12-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

Where to start in describing this journey or whatever that I seem to have found myself in? the cycle begins yet again to look at myself... my choices and options.. what a shitty situation it is for me to be staying in Vancouver when I know I need to leave... I made some choices that jeopordized that opportunity.. I'm not sure when and if I will recover from that..
I have complained many many times about supports, about family, about being treated with such disregard... my life does not matter, I don't matter.. everything I've fought for, everything I felt I lived for no longer matters.
Yesterday I jay walked... something I don't do an the reaction to that was simply unreal.. and yet in my head.. I felt like saying I'm not the same person any more.. I have gone from thinking of the future and it's existance everything I had hoped to be, all the school, living here.. and just tossed it out the window.... I tried to toss the gift my lady gave to me... to my suprise she would not budge... she would not take it back and she won't let me self-destruct..

I honsetly looked at myself... the last few days... few hours... and realized what a horrible person I am... unable to act my age, to share these feelings with anyone, not talking, not living, not breathing... looking into the sky wondering why... why am I here? why did I do this to myself? and what in the world.. how could people ask me to hold on!..
The last round of my life of fighting to live, fighting for my supports to stand by me... and than have them leave me this way... and than they wonder how or why I end up in the hospital.. feeling alone is not the feeling that I enjoy... well over a month now... and it's progressing to the point that now everything is my fault... everything... from the paper cut, to the yelling and screaming, to the agonizing inner pain that I feel inside of me... all my fault...
To have someone.. to have people....believe in me this much... to have them hold onto my life to worry, to love without limits, to not let me go.........what is expected of me to say is that its great... but honestly it's not great... it hurts... it hurts me to have them with me in this time, and to know where I am...
My lady sent me a message about fighting,or change... and the moment I read it.. the only word that came into my mind FEAR! this phrase is written in my father's journal it has two meanings and I have to choose what kind of FEAR that I choose to have these days... I can either stay here stay where I am right now, or fight for these people to help me right now...

I feel like a monster... I feel like there's this huge krpytonite in me that keeps people far away so sick at the sight of me, so afraid to get close to me...get too close well my darkness kills the goodness in their lives...because no matter what I do... I can't get through this, I can't destroy this part of my life that causes the destruction of my soul..
I am missing something... and I'm missing it real bad right now....

I'm not scared...I'm not angry...I'm not happy... I am what I am through these days of complete survival at a time like this... can't ask me to say words that have no meaning to me... can't ask me to be there when I know this is not truly me...
I'm not sure if or how I will make it to the new year...how I'll make it to Christmas... I just hope that hope would find it's way into my darkness so that I don't feel as utterly alone as I feel these days..

how could this happen? how did it come to this? and what's the point? what's the point!

dear agony

2009-12-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

A song I have come to admire and love is called "I will not bow" by Breaking Benjamin the album is called "dear Agony."
I have failed.. I am failing and I am giving up without a second thought. I have just looked and seen that I have enough to go away for seven days to Prince George the worst place I could ever think of and the worst time for me to go. But I give up...
As I sit here in near tears of all the agonizing pain that I've had to deal with since moving back to Vancouver, all the pain, all the heartache and all the facades of who I am... Unable to travel a short distance to visit friends, unable to be away from all the pain that I've had to deal with.. bottled up inside me are the vicious remarks of family, of friends, and of all who believe strongly that I will fail and have failed. All the suicide attempts all the stuff that's going on in my head, unable to find truth from lies... everything has become too much.. Going to Prince George may be a mistake but I need some peace of mind before I ruin my life, before I pick up some coke, before I decide to destroy my life I need to be reminded... I need to breath. I need to get the heck out of Vancouver and so far the only place in mind is Prince George, I can only pray that I will find family that they would take me in, and that someone will give me the joy in visiting my father's grave...

After today's events I'm not sure I can even write my paper... Last night I decided that I am done... I'm giving into all the stuff going on in my head, all the stuff burdened in my heart. The cancellations, the pain of my family, the heartache in feeling this alone and isolated... the reminder of these things has become too much and I am leaving.. I will be making the arrangements now that I've seen how little it will cost me to get away for a time... how easy it will be for me to run... and how terrified I am about going to Prince George because my father's family, but how I hope and wish, and pray they will not shut their door on me very literally because I'm in desperate need...

Last night was when I decided that I had enough. enough on the canceling of appointments, enough on my family situations, and enough of being treated this way... People tell me to stand my ground to fight, why the heck should I fight when I feel like this? I am on the verge of giving up and if I don't act soon well than that would sadly be the end of me... I am not running from my problems I hope that I'm far from that because I know what I'll be coming back too.. However I'm at the point that I need to breath, I need to be able to appreciate the person I am, and all that I've worked for I need to know it was not all for nothing. I need to rest assure that I am making progress in my life, and I need to stop doing everything I'm doing... trying so hard to stay afloat trying so desperately to stay alive with no courage, no fighting power of strength, no desire for something that no longer exists in my life.

I have been treated with such disregard of everything I've done. I keep telling people just do it already you know? Just get it over with. stop doing this to me... stop forcing me to live, forcing me to find a moment of breath and stop just stop. because it's not working and I'm heading into utter and complete destruction if I don't leave. after today's events after all the pain I've dealt with today...
I leave hopefully next week hopefully if all goes to plan. I am more so catching the bus because I realize that if I decide to turn back that's the only way that I can... I will only hope for better future, better days... I am deeply sad that I will have to send my cat away and hope that she can forgive me for this but if I don't leave there will be nothing for her to stay with me.

After today... If I don't go now.. I'll literally give up on myself.. all these canceled appointments all the pain that I am facing now, all the heartache I have been under, and the lack of input from those who matter the most. I am done.. If I don't go now I will give up on them, and in return give up on myself... if that makes any sense..

done and done.

2009-11-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

Where to begin with my life? I have seen in great detail how I could benefit from this course in dealing with my family, dealing with my relationships...However I struggle tremendously with the idea of choosing to apply this course into my life, I think it would diminish my role in my family, my role in my relationships... In the end would cause a vulnerability that I am not prepared for..
I have had the chance for a week or eight days to look at this course, soak in all the knowledge that I could, write, and did role plays to learn how to apply it into my life... I don't think anytime soon will I be able to use this course in my life hopefully later on in my life.

Away from class and all that fun stuff.. I was hoping to run away to be real honest... I'm not sure I'll be leaving to go anywhere... I want to and wish that I had more people who were people I could turn too in times such as now. I am struggling a lot again and this time it's about how messed up I feel that I am, of all the accomplishments I've ever had I have been unable to get in a place of feeling like my life is worth living. I'm not saying that in the sense that I want to end it.. hold on... lol My life isn't about trying to die or commit suicide or anything I'm trying and hoping that those situations are over with in my life... However when I look at this program that I'm in the idea of College and before I knew where it was going, I had one goal in mind and thought this program would get me there.. As I've struggled the last six months and realized how truly I will not reach that goal... It has forced me to check out where my life is going, and realizing I'm honestly not going anywhere with this program, with my life..

I'm sure people struggle to hear how messed up I am and all that... In even dealing with my one amazing lady... I pull back from and go to her, and pull back... and than I am naive enough to go back into journal entries that start to add up too the major factor... that I am destroying her life by living my life this way.. the pressure of dealing with myself is enough, and than now trying to be open enough to care enough to send a text, send a hello or whatever it is that she needs from me... You see a month ago... something tremendous happened and it really impacted my life in a really great way, she had given me something valuable, and I have carried it throughout the month... This little reminder that I am not where I was, and that in six months there are parts of me that have changed.. but in the last week... I have felt ashamed of having this valuable piece she gave to me, to the point that I want to give it back because... I find myself wasting away in this turmoil... I am needing so desperately for an answer, for a hope, for a future...
In the end I no longer see the benefit of the goodness of her... the greatness of my life.. the part of me that so many people see the fighter, the survivor, and the one that is going to impact many... I have lost hope in that person, that person that rose to the occasion to fight for my life without reason, just desire for change. I have lost hope in that person that survived from June 3 and struggled this much...

In the end I see the beast continuing to rise up in me... continuing to bring about the heartache that I felt I deserved and the worthless feeling that I have in myself and my ability to make it through these situations, and circumstances effectively.

This is the sad part of it... for the first time in a while the feeling rises up in me the darkness the beast, and the burdens it carries to envelope me and destroy every good thing that helped me survive.. It bothers me tremendously that people believed in me so much, that people who didn't even know me would say how strong I was, and how confident I am in the future... when really break it down throw down the wall you see the broken shattered Jessie, dying a painful slow death of destruction... I waste away in the darkness... I close my eyes hoping that for just one moment just one moment I might feel love again, that I might feel strength, that I might feel hope, that I might get through this... each time I see myself burying myself alive really, and losing every opportunity to really truly effectively get through these circumstances in my life.

I have made the decision I will not be celebrating Christmas with my family, I have disconnected from them completely, and I have desired to leave just waiting for the right moment and the only place I can think of going is Ft.St. James where my father is buried. It almost seems like there is nothing else you know? no one else.. no where else...

To feel this way.. to be this way.. to act this way... to see myself... to truly see myself as I reacted, and acted in this course at school was a true opportunity to see the beast I am and the person that I am that's never really changed.

laterz

avoiding the situation

2009-11-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

How do I productively talk about situations in my life that have effected me in a way that has or will prove to me that I can not productively be in someone's life for the reasons that I feel I can't deal with those people. I'm talking about a specific situation that I have had to deal with and it's family, the people I feel are at times destroying the light that keeps me going. I have strongly found it difficult to talk with them, hang out with them, or acknowledge that we live in Vancouver together.
This past few weeks I have had to deal with emotional problems in productive ways, I have found it difficult when I felt that others were not being productive. Meaning my family has always been this way, continues to be this way, in not taking care of themselves or each other. The only regret that I feel I have is that I am unable to be there for them when I see that they could be doing better they could make better choices. As a result of these recent outcomes of my visits with my family is that I have had to set myself apart from them, disconnect with them completely. As a result I feel really sad that I have had this outcome, that it's taken me years to realize the person I am to them, but now realizing my limitations and my boundaries.
It was the first since I moved back to Vancouver that I realized for a brief moment how I regretted moving back.... It hurt me a lot to have to realize the effect my family has on me, and my choices. It took me this long to realize the drain I feel in talking with my family, with each conversation being about others wanting to die, or continuing to make the same poor decisions and expect me to respond to that. I have realized that as much as I am here for them I have also needed to be set apart from them.

The life I have chosen is far different, separate even from my family. I am not meant to live the same way they choose too, I have gone places, been to extraordinary places, and met some amazing people that have been a good example of what it means to live life for myself. For me to look at myself and see that I am definitely not my family is a huge deal for me. The impact however that this decision has had on me has been negative I have felt that I could not be in contact with my family, and because Christmas is coming up I am not certain if I will be able to resolve these issues I have or will I be spending Christmas alone or up north which is far far away and alone. It breaks my heart that I have had to go to this extent in separate myself from my family.

I cannot be productive in conversation with my family, I have found that even talking to them about how I feel, or what they say or do effects me it does not help, it does not change what they are doing, but still hurts me. It makes me sad to realize where I'm at and that I cannot be in contact with my family... The situations my family has had to deal with and the ways they have chosen to deal with them has been a result that is far from the right one.

Apart from the drama of my family and all that I have had to see with this stuff.. I'm in school which has been a very interesting place I find myself especially in this time. At the moment my course is "Conflict resolution" I have found it very challenging and different from the ways I have dealt with conflict, or my own feelings. I have been learning how to be productive in my conversations about conflict with others. I still have not found the time to deal with conflict itself and worry to the extent if I ever had to deal with conflict in what ways I would respond. I believe that the process of dealing with conflict resolution may take longer for me to deal with situations because I still am just learning my faults in my relationships, my reactions, and the explosive reactions I have in dealing with someone I have a conflict with.
School has become a difficult challenging experience but will hopefully be productive and one day I'll be able to apply it to my life and maybe have a better relationship with those I have in my life.

I'm around a while but may leave in December with no real idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing but knowing that I have to leave in order to deal with myself, and the situations I've had to face with my family.

That's all for now!

epiphany

2009-11-13T16:31:00.000-08:00

It's been weeks of my life going in spirals and twirls and flips and just outta control... but I'm here now and regardless of every bad thing that's happened the good comes from it!!
the last few weeks I've spent countless times in the hospital for an Asthma attack, and then for my baby sister because she got hurt and she got surgery and stitches and a cast...

there have been many great things I've learned in the weeks of these events moments that i wish I could store away forever and just remember those days in days like these. I'm told that I've discovered something pretty significant and pretty great... for the time these last six months I've struggled tremendously with only one great good lady my lady in my life... yet when I thought about my life these past six months with the good.... I have created the bad I have created the self-destruction of my own body and self, afraid to connect or accept that there is good and that sometimes it can be tremendous.. I created the last six months of my life in a terrible state of mind unable to accept the good in life because it's unfamiliar.

On top of which i have also discovered the significance it's been for me to be here... In Vancouver going through this experience with my sister showed me how much she wants and desires to be like me, and how much of a support and amazing person I am to be here for her. for all my family members... to have moved back and for the first truly seeing the impact I have on my family members it was a significant day for me..

The two week trend that began on Halloween got side tracked I had explained to my supports that i can see the cycle beginning of my life going down the drain. yet it didn't take my supports to be with me, contact me, or anything... even though i knew i needed them i didn't reach out to them tremendously... and even in all that i had been feeling and dealing with... I was able to see the person i didn't want to become, and that i truly and utterly am struggling to live but for the first time this season or moment in my life I don't want it all to end. I might not know how to enjoy life, enjoy who I am as a person, but i know that I don't want it all to end.. which for me is very significant... but even which... I see something trying.. or evening winning in a battle of my own self..

I can only hope that I find my way through these events in my life... and even through this last week and half of my life I have been able to witness the horrible events in my life... i hope that i find a way regardless of everything I am, and everything i've done.. I just need to be okay and I need to enjoy life for the next few days it's all I got right now..

well i better go... I will do what i can where I can... and hope for better results in the future.

choices

2009-10-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

I could hardly allow myself to read my last entry due to time, I'm in a crutch of wanting to check out the beautiful traditions of drums, but am concerned with my last entry... As great as it is for me to let my blog be my outlet...

I realize also updates are important not just for my blog readers, but even for myself when I find the time to read back...

Today is my father's 14yr death Anniversary... I'd rather say I'm not alone however this is not the case but even if I have people supporting me in all sorts of ways even if they are not with me physically.

I must take a moment and say I've made the right choices and decisions to continue on with my life and find the supports as helpful as I can as difficult as it has been for me to reach out to them, I have found them to really help me in the most difficult times such as now.

I complain and nag about the idea of needing others to be in my life as a comfort or support of whatever kind. I have found myself being so distant and scared all but one... the one person who has disappointed me, hurt me, whatever choices she made for whatever reasons... she is still a big part of my life even if I don't want her to be... I've found the strong desire to have her around as much as I can even if it's only for a cup of coffee.. Her presence in my life keeps me real, and keeps me knowing I'm not alone even when I might I feel I am.

I'm learning a lot about where I'm at in my life... and although it's not my ideal place that I wish to be, I'm not in a hurry to get through it because I realize my life all these events in my life have been waiting yearning for me to get into this place that I am now... and for the first time I will say I am in a grieving process the losses in my life have been very significant had it's been on my mind, and in my heart but not labeled... although I am scared to admit that I feel I am grieving the many losses in my life, I also realize how necessary it is for me to go through this process to hopefully get better..
I have medically proven not only am I not "crazy" I also am not depressed. I have proof from my family doctor, we are all in agreement that the events in my life have caused me to be in the place I am now... I don't regret but hope that through time and patience I will embrace who I am and what reasons I am still here.

I have found myself very involved in my community and this is something I'm trying to run too at the moment... but I've stayed involved around those who are positive influences in my life, an I have reached out to those I trust and care for to help me in tough moments I face each day. I am very blessed to have the knowledge and discernment that I do have to make proper choices and not completely self-destruct because really it's not what I want.

Although it's been really tough not being in class I have another week before that starts I have filled my time with some amazing community opportunities, I've joined self-defense, and I've been involved in hoping to join some drum groups, dance classes, and many other activities to fill my time... wisely and safely.

emotionally... well that's a new topic that I hardly know how to explain. I know one great example that I use for me right now... is shattered glass... drop a glass to the ground and then you'll have an idea of where I'm at with my life at the moment... the difficult thing with feeling this way is I'm finding that I've hurt those I care for the most and in that I feel a sense of guilt for the choices I've made, although now I don't regret them because it is by those choices that got me to this openness I'm at now.

Either way... I'm where I must be and carrying on whatever way I can and hope that as I continue to learn about the wilderness I feel in my heart, continue to the journey to the future, I hope that I do make it there... I hope that even though I feel alone I know I'm not... I have so many people looking out for me and I have so many things to look forward too but sometimes I need those reminders...and I definitely need to know I'm not alone because that's one thing that really gets me real crazy..

things at the moment... even in all the darkness... I feel a sense of hope and I am very happy to be apart of my community and looking forward to the future and the events that may take place. I am glad that I have vented, ranted and raved about my troubles in the past. but I only hope that I can find the balance through these times in my life.. the sense of grief has kept me in a day by day trial and so far as difficult at times as it is to have "grief bursts" I have surrounded myself with good people... I'm very lucky and blessed!

As for my father's death anniversary... I honored him today in everything that I had done and I know that wherever he is I know he is safe, and he knows how much I love him, cherish him, and miss him... seriously he was a great man! and although it hurts as much as it does now that I finally recognize where I'm at in my life I see opportunity to heal in this area of my life! so I hope for good reports but will not be afraid to share anything as it is my greatest expression!

OH YEAH! I also apparently am great at Expressive Art Therapy!! Can you believe that? I am very artistic! I never thought I would like that kind of stuff, but I'm more into the Pastels! Make that very clear how much I love using pastels and expressing myself in that way is so fun and calming too!

well I am off to run into my buddies and beautiful traditional drums, believe me I need them right about now!

thanks for listenning!

cheers!

R.I.P Daddy March 18 to October 26-27 33yrs old! I love you! <3

telling the truth

2009-10-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

The case conference was a lot different then I thought it would be and it was beyond difficult to be looking in the eyes of those who cared for me speaking there heart, speaking there mind and whatever else they were doing. It hurt me more then I wanted it too and it got me right away thinking of how to lie about the pain, lie about the thoughts, and just lie all together so that if something comes from this well it wouldn't be known to anyone.
What an idiot I feel I am being... I don't know what's going on in my head why things are acting this way, and why my heart and mind just want me to walk away. I find myself more terrified hearing how they spoke of my lady... I couldn't believe what I had let come into my life... How the hell can I be so stupid, so vulnerable so just stupid! Do you know how much it will hurt me if this lady, no lets not say it! But it's been years and I mean years and years since I trusted anyone in my life and let them be so close to me... Do you know how terrified I am that all in unison agree that this lady friend of mine is deeper than anyone could ever go! I want to swear I want to scream, and I want to run away from everything that has happened. Down a bottle of booze, cut myself again because I'm scared! I'm so freaking scared that someone is in that deep that she can sense my heart, my feelings, and where I'm at.
Trembling in fear and feeling scared.. I am stagnant in my life at the moment because hearing that this is something that's really here makes me want to figure out find the way out of this, and then my support my other support said I could push and push and she'd go no where. She wouldn't have to go anywhere I'd just shut her out. Stop attending my appointments and get myself back into the old lifestyle of the destructive ways of my life.

Now I know what I should be thinking and the way I'm thinking now is only going to harm me in some way and it's going to get me closer and closer to the days of my life that will be numbered and may not exist everyday. It's hard to imagine hard to be in a place of others believing in me and telling me this is going to pass. How could this pass? Why did people, why did I let this happen! The consequences of this choice and decision of opening my heart are too risky the future of this relationship will only hurt me.. That's one thing for certain not only is she human, she will and has hurt me, has to disappointed me and no matter what I do... I'm so stupid for letting myself letting all this be where it's at!

My other supports damn it do you know how difficult it was to feel that way! To feel anything to freaking have to feel anything is beyond anything!

STOP BEING NEGATIVE!

Tell me though tell me how to keep moving forward when I feel that all that I love and care for is all being left behind! Those closest to me those I love more then my lady, more then my own life's worth and people are asking me to move forward! How the hell am I supposed to move forward when all I love is left behind! stuck in their turmoil of grief, pain, and all that has oppressed them! I can't do it! I don't want to do it! I am struggling to move forward and then when I look back those I love the most are still where they've always been. You ask me to quit drinking, quit cutting, fine but don't ask me to move on without those I care for the most. I can't do it...
These are people who've stayed with me through the darkest of times, those who love me and care for me tremendously... They have always had my back, always been my number one and now your asking me to look at myself, better myself, my mentality, my future! When all's I could see is the pain in their eyes I can't figure out this...

But then...
You have my lady... this woman this lady! this option for a better future, a better place of my life, a light of my world in my darkness, a shoot star! A reason to fight to live a reason to enjoy life even if for but a moment. Someone who's been in my life for near six months that loves me and cares for me without limits, but better then anything she's chosen to not let alcohol and drugs control her life, she has chosen the goodness of the world. to fulfill her destiny as an amazing woman to change the world and be so great. That's hard to figure out because this is an opportunity for me to do better in my life, an opportunity to hopefully become a role model to others with love and courage I have with my lady, the light she brings in my life... We could be best buds forever, we could do many talented things to change ourselves and the world we live in........... sounds great right? sounds like there's nothing to lose right? I'll tell you what I'll lose! I'll lose the protective mechanism that keeps her somewhere in my heart but still a little a fraction of distance, the cost of this relationship will require me to let down my guard completely.

I'm battling within myself of the choices and desires I have for anything and everything... The support system is asking me to work through some very specific things that may help me but because they are so close to me and my pain they could also trigger me... I'm worried for that because I don't need to open these doors in my life knowing that I may become triggered by a memory, or the grief that who knows what will happen to me... I can't believe the support system I can't believe what I will do to heal... I'm terrified and I'm not sure if I'm completely willing to choose this lifestyle and I'm freaking worried! there is no reassurance this is faith thing, this is trusting those who are supporting me and moving forward because they are telling me it's safe and I'll get there... That's lot for me to put out there... There is hardly anyone I would trust with any of these things and I'm not sure if it's going to be that worth it!

I don't know anymore! I'm crazy!!! not! lol I'm learning no matter what I am never crazy I'll never be crazy and I won't have to implant this in my head! I'll be okay! just need to decide at the right future or the right decision..

support

2009-10-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

The idea of a support system and their places and times in my life is so much that sometimes or even now I'm not sure how it will work. In a week I will be meeting with everyone of my supports all in one, a conference of support. My concern is that there are hidden things that some may not know, some may have heard, or something that's been hidden.
I need a much needed distraction of my support because I'm worried about it and the worry and cause and concern is unbearable. I wish that I was talking as a whole of my supports but only one... Only one person, one support that I worry about and therefore I worry for this support. I am doing this as a way of making things stronger or so that I'm not anywhere I should not be...

School is a distraction believe me it is it has proven to be more of a task of things added to a list that I must get to as often as I can... I like it though but at times like now the pressure is a little difficult and I find myself struggling to find the concentration needed for this project. I have a presentation on Saturday, paper due tomorrow which I just finished writing. And a moment... breath a moment of greatness just came in and left.. and I needed to write about it...
I'm not where I want to be, and I am not where I should be... But to be accepted by someone where I am it's a pretty significant thing for me. Not just by any person but a guy and therefore the idea of it becomes a little more then it should be in my mind, but to be treated with respect and all that just for a moment... While it's awesome... I love it!

To get involved in my community is awesome and I love it... I have the opportunity to see guys in a different way on a different level of importance to me. I have noticed in my own places and times of life I have found that men have played a role of being a brokenness in my life.. There has always been only one guy that I feel that was a very important person and as I continue to grow in my community, in community events I am starting to see men in a new way. Very significant and therefore makes the walk to healing a little more tangible.

Emotional wise... the emotions to discuss is a little more deep then I'd like to express. I noticed this in myself that I am fine with surface things now but when someone asks me about the ledge, when someone asks me about some things... I am quick to close that door. I'm happy to be open about different things but to be open about one time frame of my life it's a lot stuff that I can't or don't feel that I can express. I feel a little bad that I am doing this.. I mean even today I was told that I deal with things in my time, and if someone tries to make me deal with something I know I should but when it's not done on my time I'm not able to open that door. I shut down and close off to those things. One thing that has also been told to be is that when I close off to friends it's like a major disconnection of things that must be done and the price for it is a little more then I can handle.. but it's a must do in a protective shell of myself and my life.

Emotional wise I'm lost in a pool of things that I can't seem to very often find myself okay. I don't want to be too happy but I also don't want to be too sad... Today I find some balance in my moment of greatness. A desire grows in me to continue to find greatness of balance. I wish that I could share these things with those I care for most but I also see that even if I move an inch.. just an inch I'll find a place of collapse and I'll only hurt those I care for the most. A risk I'm not willing to take because I love people love these specific people way too much to continue to put them in the risky lifestyle I've chosen to live.

I'm scared to say I'm happy... Even just for a moment... but those few moments ago I felt it... and I worry about it... because I feel unworthy of it but I also have to try give myself a little bit of slack of letting these moments come in.. Because it's only in these moments of happiness that I am able to make it through the rest of my life. Or just tomorrow ;)
The struggle of my life has become a little difficult but something I want to pursue and if I don't make it while at least I tried. right now all people are asking of me is that I try and that's all I could do, and if I fail at trying while that's okay... I can fail but if I die from trying while you can't say I died without trying!

laterz

grief

2009-10-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

WOW! In a day of struggle that I struggled yesterday however I reached out to the right people in those moments I needed help and guidance or support as some might say ;)
However it's got me back to this place... this place of utter seclusion utter fear and a desperate cry for help as I once again find myself at a place of grief. To many people grief means so many amazing things, so many amazing opportunities but to me... grief means something so scary and dark an unknown place that I am too scared to go too. however I realized that its only as I walk through this grief that I'll truly find my healing and although for this moment for today Im okay with going through grief... I know that everyday is a different day and that emotions will well up in me and I'll be scared, and I'll feel unsafe but that's something I like about my supports...

I have a counselor, a psychologist, a mentor, a outreach worker, doctor, and a friend. we are all coming together on a specific day to have conference... it's kind of strange an funny all my people are coming together to think of how to serve me better, for everyone to be on the same page of how to help me in this process of healing... A rocky road I have already felt the effects of it, and have already considered everyday of turning back going back to that ledge... but a fear is so engraved in my soul of ever being on that ledge ever again and I have to fight my own self when it comes to the easy way out.
Anyhow although those are the main people coming to my conference meeting it's not the just because if you really wanted too.. We'd be inviting Unya, JIBC, Bladerunners, and all sorts of people who are in my life on a daily basis or were in my life at a time.. However thats not why Im doing this... Honestly I dont know why Im doing this just that I am... In hope that I would never find myself on that ledge never find myself in that desperate place of needing to scream so much..

I'm not sure how many times or if I had talked about Officer Michelle... If I haven't while she was the officer that came to talk to me on that ledge.. And although yesterday there were some feelings deep within me that did not sit well with me... My psychologist in all her glory shared with me what a joy it could be to have had someone go beyond the call of duty to help me, to be someone in my life and not just be a badge number and person. It's with this realization that I have more of an appreciation for Officer Michelle.. It does not try an excuse whether I was happy or sad about coming off that ledge... I have wrote it many times in my journal how it's felt to still feel on that ledge in my mind, I might physically not be there but emotionally and mentally I still find myself contemplating the reasons or desires for coming off that ledge.
I have anticipated a call from Officer Michelle but she said it'd be a few weeks so I wait everyday in being able to share a bit of this situation with her through my eyes. I would like to see her again but am sure if it doesn't come together it's okay because no matter what she'll always be more to me then an officer of the law... she was a person, a caring person for me that night, a friend I needed... and nothing can take that away from me..

My psychologist suggested that I keep a record of these good moments to help get me through this moments of times of grief.. I will keep Officer Michelle with me alongside a few other things..

Now I'm sure many are wondering why I'm thinking or writing about grief. Honestly its the only place I've never looked, only place I've been buried under and only place I've never found the courage to go.. I want more out of this life of mine but can't get past the grief.. I had never been told about grief I have surely felt the horribleness of grieving for loved ones... But I've never had someone tell me about it in a way or time that I could understand...Until now.. As I struggle with 589 I also see it so intertwined with my father's death and in these deaths I have found... that I had buried them in a place far away from me but yet not far... Because every so often I'd feel it and react on it in drinking, suicidal thoughts, or just some foolish choice I'd make... Trying to bury it in my soul, bury it away in a small place... but the effects have overwhelmed me and now force me to deal with this time, this place, this person that I've become.

In order to move forward. In order to become all I hope to be... I must open this door... this door that's been hidden, hidden with lies, with pain, with sorrow, and with many regrets. I hid it away in fear of seeing it and in fear that if I truly faced it that I'd truly and utterly fall apart and suffer so much pain that I'd take my own life..
However I must say that even just opening the door to me it's a big step, to acknowledge this place and time in my life... is to acknowledge that I know I'm not all I hope to be.. But I'm willing to find a place of rest, find a place of dealing with these two deaths that have signified the brokenness in my soul... And when I think of brokenness I thought of being emotional, being so beyond repair, so a basket case of emotion, and I don't love emotion all that much... so when I think of brokenness I think of being emotional.. however what I did not consider is that this is a place of my life, brokenness to me is different from others...
In my brokenness it's become not too overwhelming that I can't handle, and it's not something I feel I can't bare. It's a little bit of a little bit... It's a place of slowly but surely dealing with it..

In my brokenness... in my place of where I'm at I don't find it unbearable. I find it to be a place of fear and scared... But I also am okay... Regardless you know...
Today I'm feeling okay in finally knowing what it is that I am going to deal with and what kind of place I will get too. It's okay with me and it's a process and everything that I will see how it goes. But I hope that even in all of these things I hope that I find myself, find my heart and find that this door this darkness this utter pain, and despair to not be squeezing the life out of me...

All a process.. Believe me when I say everyday will be a different day and today I might be okay but tomorrow is another day, and so on... It's all a choice but it's also this process of healing and place of everything...
But for now I'm here... and I look forward to trying and I mean really utterly trying to get through this time in my life. I can't promise anything but I can only TRY and hope to find it within myself to get through these dark places...

Until then I will see how it goes... For now I'll be going to class this weekend, working through this book on grief and keeping my bases covered with my support network... This is all I can do and it seems just moving that little bit it's made me see something new, something different but something in a sense of Healing.

laterz

dont wanna do this anymore

2009-10-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

The cycle continues...dark clouds continue to envelope me an desperate need to overflow with emotion but that door has been closed... There's a constant storm of events in my life that cause me to be at this point... One major thing is an anniversary is coming up and therefore I feel the burden of it.... I've been thinking of it tremendously and trying to find a way to explain it.. I would say in these terms...it's worse then carrying luggage it's a weight on my shoulder, a burden more that I am carrying and each day I try to straighten out and breath just for a moment...But just to do that takes all my energy and I feel overweight of this burden on me.
However in the next hour it'll change... as paraphrased... the paintbrush comes out and I pretend for a while that everything is as it should be... In an hour my mother and youngest sister will be in my area and so I'll see them...and in that time I'll play this facade of who I am just to keep them at ease, at a distance...
When I go home tonight it'll be there the weight and the fear. as if welcoming me home to the point of despair... How I wish for one moment that I could breath that I could see this beautiful day as it is... and yet I'm still here... in this place scared and worried tremendously of these things...

How I long so badly so tremendously for that one day to just be okay you know? Since being out of the hospital I find myself so much weight so much burden and so much fear... so much so much that it's unbearable... Once school starts I wont worry as much because I'll throw myself into school... My counselor told me to invest in supports more and not be so lost in this time alone but I'm scared too you know? How much more can regular people be ready for me? Whereas the people trained for this job are able to help me the proper way... I don't know I'm still considering the choices I have with my support people...
I keep thinking if I breath enough if I straighten my posture enough maybe this weight will be lifted off me...How I am very wrong... The weight continues to grow in me and I'm feeling so out of place when I was on Broadway today all's I could think about is how I need to be back at Skidrow I needed to be there... I don't know why but I just needed it...Only when I was there did I feel better and feel just for a brief moment I was okay to be okay to be this way..

Times running out for me to feel this way... Soon enough I take out the paintbrush, this shell of whatever it is and become someone completely different... I have enough people worrying about me that I just don't need this any more... I don't want my friends or family members to worry... although I'm not sure how hopeful I am being... I just so desperately want to get out of this you know? so desire it so much to just one day...Just for one day not feel this way.... I want just one day where I can see the beautiful ocean, see those beautiful mountains, to feel the beautiful ray of sun shining down on me, just one day you know? It's too much to ask for someone like me... I'm worried about myself and worried but trying you know? Each day I'm still here and that's all that matters... At some point in some time I'll get through this and I'll find my purpose and reason and until then I'm still here...

However I was at Family night last night...Oh for a brief moment while those drums were playing oh man was I happy to be there.. So tonight I will return again once again to the west-coast family night and feel the drums again... Oh how I wish I could sing, play a drum, dance... Throw myself into such a powerful culture for now I'm on the side lines but soon enough I'll be where I need to be... I've got the right people who are helping me see the strength and tremendous beauty it is to be a First Nation person... I love it really I do... Just as much as I had found my strength in the idea of a Police Officer now I find it in my culture... So I have something to look forward to tonight and that just for that it changes my mood too you know?

I'm still scared... Still afraid of the outcome of my choices and decisions or the one's that have already been made... I'm scared of tomorrow... I'm terrified of tomorrow and hope if I do breakdown that someone will be there to help keep me safe because I'm scared.. you have no idea the hollowness of my soul how it longs to out poor all these things... I need it so badly and tomorrow is the ultimate test of my heart and I pray to God that he'll find someone someone to be there for me for this one brief moment.. One brief moment let me be okay.. If I break down let that be okay and let me be okay for that moment.. I hope it's okay.. either way that's enough I guess..

laterz

one change

2009-10-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm going to share something I wrote in my journal as it is something I find significant in my life

October 4, 2009
I'm an Alcoholic...I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when alcohol is in the picture. There is no feeling of relief as I say these words I'm angry and furious that I cannot manage alcohol. I can't go out and have two drinks with the self control. When I think of alcoholics I think of a constant black out state of mind, all money goes to alcohol, and just a filthy life lived in the presence of alcohol. I never thought that my life that I would struggle with something so small and yet here I am.
I see the patterns my life in terms of when Sh** gets too rough or when I feel a sense of failure it is only then that I feel like drinking but that is where I'm powerless over alcohol.. It upsets me...I hate the idea of being a statistic and that I am not able to be like others to enjoy one drink... I cant enjoy live music, dancing or any of that... I'm angry because I admit I have a problem with liquor is just so fuc*** up to me... But in just reading the first step of how my life is powerless an unmanageable...
I don't like it I hate that I have to admit it... How did I get here? and why did I get here? I'm scared to figure out what is fun for me because I had some fun while drinking... It was only when I didn't stop myself that I could not manage myself and my foolish actions... I'm ashamed to admit that I am powerless over alcohol..it makes me feel like I have truly become my parents.
Just thinking of that makes me want to fail or fall away because I never wanted to be my parents and I guess admitting this is to admit a true reality and opportunity to change my life before it gets worse. Although after all the scars on my body I'm not sure how much it has changed you know? How could I admit this change and when Ive got all these scars and just for that it would be how could I enjoy life and the person I am to become if I've got a drinking problem and scars that could have destroyed my life!
It makes me angry that I had to admit this..because to me it means I became my parents it doesn't matter if it was only two years of my life it still to me means a failure to live and strive for greatness. Its taken me a lot to make it to this point...But I honestly and utterly hate myself I hate everything I've become.. And for that I want to fall apart because it scares me.
Seriously...At 24yrs old I admitted that I'm an alcoholic that alcohol is a poison to me and releases the beast of burden..it makes me self-destruct.
I hate that my life my path in life must change that I cant utterly cant enjoy life.. I mean in all the times of drinking I was not always this messed up. I had fun times I had good times but its in the last six to nine months that alcohol became a poison to me... Well maybe that's not true but I hate that I have to admit this time in my life. I have found myself powerless and my life flipped upside down because I had to admit something like this... But I guess for me to admit that I honestly have a drinking problem well it means there is opportunity to change..and...
Honestly I can't stop thinking about this. I cant even truly comprehend what it truly means to admit I have a problem drinking. it makes me sad. I don't know who I am or what my purpose in the world but I admit that I don't know except that I know I can't drink, and I can't freaking do this anymore.
Everything I've ever been everything in my life all I've learned and all I've known is to say its all full of Sh**... These things I must tear away at and rip them from my inner being in hope to do better,be better and I don't know what that looks like but that I cant be everything I've always been because so far it continues to bring me in this cycle. And to admit that I have problem is to admit that my life is not the way people like Dave, Uncle Henry, Uncle Dave thought I could be. Its to say my life became what I dread and that is the vicious cycle of family history... I admitted that I have a problem and now its like I'm in the cycle that everyone thought I wasn't... I was the good child the one that didn't throw her life away into addictions, the one who could not live my life the way my family did... What am I going to do with myself?
I feel real sh**** that I had to admit this and I shouldn't feel this way but I hate that everyone was right about me! I feel like I failed at not being a part of that cycle. I've thought of my father a lot and I really wish.... I mean my psychologist asked if there was one wish what would it be? It would be that one day! One fuc*ing day as my father walked out of the house... that was the last time I seen him sober and clean. I wish I could run after him... say to him "daddy daddy please don't leave I need you, drinking and drugs is not the answer and say dad if you go you will die on Oct 27 and put me through the worst pain I could ever feel and because of that dad... I'm going to choose self-destruction I'm going to hate myself and my life and I'm going to suffer unimaginable pain at the hands of men. I wish I could stop him tell him dad I feel like its my fault that your not here... Its my fault that you left if you hadn't heard from me that mom did what she did you'd still be here... and because of that I will suffer so much pain and feel unworthy and unforgiven for everything in my life."
If I could change one thing it would be to tell my father that and have that change where he is now... That's what I wish I could change...for that I think my life would've been different.. my dad spent tons of time with me there's hardly a time I remember him not being there.. Today my mom told me that my dad probably took me to Stanley Park and to the seabus to spend time with me.. its in these ways I know truly and utterly that once upon a time I was loved unconditionally... I didn't have to do anything but be his daughter and because of that he loved me unconditionally... its since his death that I feel like I have utterly failed and would never be whole again. 589 is the true test of how utterly broken and messed up I am in my own self-destructive path.
RIP DADDY!

An entry...I felt like sharing... my life is still up in the air I don't know where I am going, what I am doing... I only hope to reach out before I really and utterly end my life in a not great way. today I was at a memorial service and hope that I wont let those I love suffer the pain that the man talked about... I really hope to find my way through these dark waters before I make a poor decision... I have to reach out! I HAVE TO SCREAM!!! YELL that I need help, I need resources, and I need people to come alongside me don't fight for me, fight with me... don't tell me how to live my life be an example of a life well lived!
Don't worry if you catch me on Skidrow I'm not doing drugs that place lately has been my home I find myself there to see the life that was...that could have been and that is why I am there.... I will never choose to drink or do drugs anytime soon but I need to be there in order to feel like I'm getting somewhere in my life...

Another 24hrs.

struggling with my own self

2009-10-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote I was living...living life in school living life in the pressure of school... trying to throw my support people aside so that I could live a better life... However since then a lot has happened... I made yet another poor decision but honestly don't regret it because its by these problems that Im able to be where I am today...to see things a little differently..
I was at a three hour stand off trying to end my life...alcohol was a factor yet again... the events that led me up to that ledge was that I felt that I had failed... failed at protecting those I love and care for the most and could not be strong... I was pressured with throwing my life into school, all my energy all of everything... I made the decision to go to College and try make a better time of myself..

We can't change until we know whats going on, can't move forward until we know where we've been. the biggest news I heard after three hours and being taken off that ledge....was that I have struggled with life and death since I was a kid... I talk often about being accustomed to being okay with drinking and drugs... but all these things are self-destruction... just as much as I didn't drink regulary and didn't do drugs...i accustomed myself into a self-destructive state. always believing wholehearitdly that I would fail... I would never become a Police Officer and I would always struggle with my mental health.
One thing I learned since that day is that I play mindgames... lots of people have told me this lots of people have tried to tell me this...but not many people have actually helped me get out of this state of mind, or show it to me in a new way... thankfully my pschyologist had told me this in a way that I'd understand where I am and where I've been...

Im really glad I didn't jump....I was afraid because I didn't really want this to be my life forever you know? to struggle to live and struggle my own demons of self-destruction... but I've for the first been given the tools to reach out to people...reach out to resources...and the more I continue to battle my own self the more it seems I have people to fall back on... that night as I was on that ledge the officer that was there officer Michelle as I know her... she really helped pull me back and although I wanted to jump I also wanted to know if I could live?
I dont really remember much of my conversation with officer Michelle but I know she spoke with sincereity and she really tried to care and she helped take me off that ledge....I may not be able to become a Police Officer but I want to support them in their fight to change the world.. I dont know what the future looks like but as I know it in the next year of my life I wont be entering into the Police academy..
Lots of people are telling me to give up school.. to turn my back on the fight to be in school... this is not the answer for me... I just need to find the balance a proper transition into school... to have my support of friends and family as well as maintaining my stuff with school...

This is the first time Im really not looking at the surface events of my life..new scars, new heartache...but actually looking deep within myself...why do I do these things? i may not be like all other aboriginal people....but I still carry the same customs in self-destruction whether it be by drugs, alcohol, or self-abuse... I have the opportunity to change...to become something more then this.... I talk so often about wanting to help change the outlook on native people, and the effects of the downtown eastside...never really looking at myself and where I've been and how I've gotten here...
so for the next few months years, or days...the only thing I can and need to focus on is myself... I need to know why I kept jumping on the ledge, why i seen blades as my only friend, and why I believe so strongly why people dont deserve a person like me...I've always only been about my own pain, my own self-destructive path... I dont want my life to be this way. I dont want to always be writing about the heartache and pain I suffer... I want more outta life...I want to see the beauty the way that people see the beauty of this city, and I want to see myself as a person who deserves the life thats been given to me...

Today officer Michelle gave me a call... a woman's voice I remember hearing and believing.. i thought she was like all about I dont know...but she seems different and the insight she gives me now gives me a different outlook on life... on the life of a Police Officer...or the life they live.. the downtown eastside they hope to change... I really appreciateed the phone call.. it really made me really happy...because she really has a lot of greatness about her...and maybe I wont become a Police Officer but I always want to help people like her make better of the downtown eastside and the voice of aboriginal people..to no longer be shut because of whatever it is... if that's all I can do as close as I can get to becoming a Police officer is to share my story with them and help them see the job they could do well, or the things they could change...then I would feel I've done my part...
Who knows....maybe in the next ten years my life will change..maybe I'll find the true and utter healing of my life to be sure Im never on a ledge or with a blade... because deep down this experience taught me that I found it within myself to live... I dont want to die... I don't want to end everything...I truly want to live..and for the first time Im only looking at myself...Im not looking at the customs my people have been cut too..Im only looking at myself..and what it was those many many years ago that cause this self-destructive beast come into my life..and be my supposed friend and keep making me feel that I dont have a choice or a voice...

I hope that I do make it...and that I do find that place thats dark in myself...and that as I reach those places that I will continue to have a support system that will help me breakdown so that I could pull myself back together without those self-destructive behaviours...thats my only hope and prayer and maybe one day I'll be able to be there for other people the way my support has been there for me...
Thank you to Officer Michelle for calling...and for being there..maybe you are yet another support, or maybe your there to learn from me...what I've known all my life...and maybe the reasons we were there was so I could shed light and that you could share your stories with me too...

laterz

productive rather than procrastination

2009-09-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

What an interesting set of days for a weekend for me.. Classes were fabulous I only say that phrase because that's one thing I noticed in class the instructor as well as the director of CAPS has a thing for saying that phrase.
Honestly though class was good the first day was a little difficult because of my circumstances in my own life and then the weight of everything I deal with on a daily basis was overwhelmingly difficult to focus. The days following became real fun an it was such an excitement to entire into class knowing full well that I was accepted into this community of amazing aboriginal people.

The weekend class though so exhausting probably because of the work I did I felt so tired a majority of the time, and at times the conversations in our groups became unbearable at times but only because I was able to see the triggers in my life when it comes to certain conversations which was good to know, good to see and an opportunity to talk to my psychologist and counselor about to continue to walk the road of healing.
Apart from that I guess it's real awesome to be in I mean for me to be surrounded by a crowd of people who want to become leaders in their community, and also live a life of sobriety what more could I ask for? I am surrounded by the kind of people that bring out the best in me.

As for the work can't complain takes a lot of focus and a lot of time and energy but well worth it to better myself and my knowledge in areas I may not have seen before.

However as my weekend began this Monday I did not come to a comfortable place, I had found out my sister had ended up in the hospital over the weekend... she had been beaten up by her mother and she also apparently tried to kill herself... So my start to the weekend well my weekend I was deep in thought of how to be there for her and not let myself draw back into the beast I fight off.. being furious that she had been surrounded by family in a drinking environment and took the worst of it... the following day I went to memorial ceremony with my mom and it had been a lady I knows father that passed away... the impact of that alone hit home for me and I was deeply sad by the reasons for his death.
I couldn't focus on my work for school or even desire to try my best to do perfect not that I am a perfectionist but my writing has always been able to shine....however with all I had to face those few days I felt overwhelmed and yesterday I had really felt the affects of these choices and decisions I had been surrounded by.

My heart became heavy and I became unclear and disorientated by the circumstances in my life and for a brief moment in my voice, in my head I had wanted and desired to give up. the weight of my family life, and the circumstances I had come into became unbearable. I felt unable to turn to people for help and felt vulnerable to these circumstances in my life. I was really sad and I had hoped to find strength or hope to get through these times in my life... It was not the case and I was really sad and ready to give up. I stayed at the Friendship Centre with my mother and sister and not long after I finally met the Police Officer that would be a mentor for me. I watched and observed her interaction with the people the elders of our family night. I was very impressed and a question that I had thought of earlier that evening was answered as I watched this amazing Police Officer relate and spend time with these aboriginal people... Was very amazing and must have been very rewarding I was glad to have stayed and make right choices...

I woke up late today with a fresh start on my life... I know full well that I'm moving forward in my despite the regret or choices I had made in the past. Being in school is an opportunity for me to get involved in my community as well as learn my strengths and my weaknesses to find the strength in those weaknesses.. I am glad and honored to have the opportunity to be in school to get a proper and most efficient education.

I'm very excited and looking forward to being back in class because I need a much needed distraction from my life, to know I'm moving forward and that I'm going to make it in spite of all the obstacles I have faced or continue to face..

thanks
Laterz

from the start

2009-09-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Since July 31,2009 I went in search of a goal...in search for someone to believe in my cause for my future. I searched to the bitter end until I got sick of thinking that my future was vuluable and just when I was about to give up....everything came together the way it needed too.
The process of my life before the events of my acceptance letter from my College... Let me tell you straight up the journey has not been easy at all since February..since May...since June!! the reason those times are highlighted is because those were the darkest times in my life. I had come in and out of hospital care, seen someone I love die, and once again drinking was a major factor in my life that I could not let go of... I realized that drinking for me was my identity...
is that sad or what?
My return to Vancouver... this is definetly not the way I had pictured it all you know! I had dreams of my return to Vancouver.... thought of it so clearly thinking that I'd be healed, I'd be whole or at least a little stable...I honestly didn't realize how clearly...how clearly angry I was of the events of my life... I had found out my baby sister was sexually abused by a family friend, but the worst of it is everyone waited five years before telling me..
I was angry.. angry with my family...angry with myself.. feeling like I had made the wrong decision in leaving to Ontario... In Ontario it was easier believe me it was easier to think of how great my life was, I was in school, I was making it whatever way I could.. I was trying... and I was living...
So since my return... I had to figure out whether Ontario was worth it you know? I loved Ontario, I loved NLGH, I loved Oshawa, and I loved my time there... but I had to determined whether I made the right decision you know? Was I really where I had hoped to be? I left Vancouver looking for a purpose...looking for a reason to live, a reason to keep going forward in my life...
You know what...I found it... In all the turmoil of my life.. all the aches and heartbreak of my life I am able to say this long journey of my life...from the bitterness of the past to the glorious future I feel like I found it... The reason I am where I am today. And although... I'm still as angry as I am. I also see that I'm not as angry as I used to be. If I had been as angry as I used to be well then I wouldn't be here today. I would be in jail, I would've committed a serious crime out of anger. It took me a long time to decide that was not the way of my life.
It takes a lot of guts for me to stand down you know? to allow this kind of cruelty to happen and stand aside doing nothing about it...but that's the other thing you know? I did what I could to help my family...I moved back to vancouver and as I have well my family has changed just a little bit.. My brother is back in school, my sister is no longer having nightmares. I came back to protect them honor them, and love them.

I got way off track..but that's the history of my situation my state of mind. the struggle to find myself here and now. the past could forever cripple me to drinking and maybe one day drugs, I could ruin everything in whatever way i wish it. I could go to utterly self-destruct because I feel I've let down my family, and I have many times tried to end it all. My friends here in Vancouver are witness to my lifestyle my drinking, my cutting and my utter hatred for myself, and the pain I feel in my life.
It would be easy you know... for me to return to the life of drinking and one day drugs. It would be so easy so simple, it's like so many people would not fault me for choosing that way of life. I would not even care about myself. My future. I could utterly self-destruct and it wouldn't matter so many people would see it as my choice. It is my choice to self-destruct. but its not what I want outta my life you know??

I've seen the vicious venomess pattern in my family cycle for years, generations, the curse of drinking and drugs, I've felt the pain of it. I've suffered at the hands of drinkers, drug users, and child abuse, I've suffered at the hands of these things, i bear scars on my body not by my own hand but by the hand of those who were my guardians, I suffer emotional wounds that prevent me from trusting anyone, or getting close to anyone, and a fear lives in me that as good as things are so also will it destruct into the worst imaginable pain.

You know...even as I write these words on this blog so also i write the history in the making my life choices. I could give up. I could kill myself, I could run away from everything. But you know what I've learned? Running doesn't change the circumstances of my life it may alter them but those problems follow me everywhere I go. so whats the point?

My life.. as crazy as it's been in the past. as crazy as I've been in and out of the hospital, as much as I struggled for purpose. as i struggled with reason, with courage, strength and everything! It took me nearly two years to figure it out! figure out that my life was not intended for this kind of destruction. My life has a purpose a reason!

Something so great! I don't really know what it is but Im walking it out as I go along.. Choosing every day as difficult as it is.. to say no to drinking, to say no to self-destruction... You know the price of this? the price of this habit? the price of it? Is that I had built my identity, my life around drinking, around the character I had become in that process.. But guess what!

My lady says this to me just as much as I start to understand it... This is the transformation of my life! Being accepted into College having all the funding for school, for my living situation and everything is the beginning of the beautiful process of my life being transformed into a great glorious future.

As I enter into school, enter into the process of school so be the beginning of a fresh start in my life. As clearly as my new tattoo reminds me of the reason I choose life, the things I had to give up, so also this large scar that took 34 stitches in my left arm would remind me of the future.
remind of the price I have paid to my life. price I have paid to everything! I could've jeopordized my life, my future, I could've continued on the destructive path but I knew it was not meant for me. My life is now moving forward!
This Thursday is the new beginning of the future for me. An opportunity to prove to others and to myself what kind of person I am.. What kind of person I've been all my life hidden beneath all the destruction, all the walls, under the hard surface.. Ive been here all along.

I look forward to writing again about the opportunities that I will be getting into as I start school, and process the news as I continue on with this chosen lifestyle of mine. I want to thank all those who prayed for me, those who believed in me, and those who stood by me in the darkest of my times, and the hardest of times, with the glory seeming so far. I see it so clearly now and Im ready to move forward in my life! Thank you my lady for truly exceeding my expecations of what I figured all people were, and for proving me wrong time and again! I love you!

Thanks for listenning! NEVER GIVE UP! FAITH! BELIEVE! It only takes one person to believe in you! and when that happens the FAITH rises in you and you become what was there all along!

LATERZ <3

moments to reflect

2009-09-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's fall almost! I start College next week.. A part of me is still loving it but still waiting for it to fall apart..I think because of the person I am I think I'll have that part of me until my counselor, and supports help me get through that. I found a place to live... too... that starts this week...

To imagine the new beginning you know? To freshly say without lying without fear that i have not cut or been drinking.. This is a big step for me... I honestly couldn't imagine how I've come this far you know? How did I do this? no no wait.. No matter what parts of me of everything there is always the part of me that keeps the faith in God, in the creator for all thats happened.
Whenever I thought of giving up this last month I just said if it's meant to be it'll happen. and it did! The new beginning is a fresh start....new scars...but fresh start... this is something I always wonder you know? the scars... I mean if I could take away all but one..I'd do it... my tattoo artist said in two years he'll cover them for me... I cried just hearing that...

I've been through a lot the last few days...even... I had temptation, desires...frustration. and just a lack of perseverance on my side...but when I looked at my tattoo...looked at this constant reminder of everything...I was able to stay okay... there's got to be more you know? I couldn't just get where I am now and just give it all up? What's the point? but Im starting to see the pattern in my life, the opportunity to break the chains that have been tied on me... break the patterns, break this life of whatever it is that's trying to hold me back...to refuse to let go!
I must say...though.... there is a cost to all of it... the cost is small..seldom.. but the feeling of it is greater!

You know when I was drinking, when I was cutting...people just conformed to my way of life you know? they didn't judge me for it maybe they did but not to my face...people accepted me and all my faults...I wasn't told how to live my life, or given a guilt trip for cutting... however you know.. these people though...these friends of mine that were by my side...were all my drinking buddies, everyone I met in the last near two years of my life...were all the people I bought drinks with, shared stupid stories, and just foolish ways of life... The walk to Victory is hard enough as is... but when I feel like I've lost everything... I lost my friends... I know that they may not have been that great in their own lives, but the fact is...it's just hard to see myself moving forward when I see all these people...
The lives I had changed in the short-time I knew these people...to have to move on.. to refuse to run out at the call of duty for a friend in need...to say no... to focus on myself, my safety and well-being.. that's a really tough thing for me..... To spend the weekends hearing about parties, dances, brawls, and all that stuff...that I've missed out on...it makes me miss it for a short time.. you know?

I know that my life is meant to move forward! Im meant to do great things! I know this... please don't remind me of it! I just feel a piece of me being torn in two as I move forward and I am forced to let those I met leave them behind...only can pray they would hold on long enough till I can get to that place of being able to help them find their way, or even as I continue on..maybe that's their time to prepare for being ready...
I never thought of that...but honestly I think of that love my life... The reason no.. it's not easy I dont think for me on any point is it ever easy for me to let go of anyone in my life. anyhow for me to let go of that love is to say... you know if its meant to be...he's got a lot to deal with in his time and maybe that's what he's doing? and if I find him in the future...great! but if not.. well I had been loved by someone really awesome...and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that beautiful love!

Anyhow... as for my buddies...I know... that I have to let them go... i just... I just hope that it'll be okay you know? as much as we were drinking together...we also had some great times together, whether we were drunk or not... I made some good connections there and to let that go... it's not easy..

I feel like Im complaining about not being messed up any longer... it's not that though... it just seems more bland you know? I had a lot of excitement in that lifestyle.. that now that I am not there any longer... my life seems to just just be.... i dont know how to explain it...that's one reason Im happy to be entering in this College is that Im hoping to meet some really awesome people you know? new connections...people who have the same desire of change, and are able to stand on their own without the drinking...

I dont know if I make sense...but letting go of the past.... letting go of those days... is never an easy thing especially when I miss it as much as I do... to be invited out... soon enough I wont have time for that...and Im waiting for that because I really want to stay on the right track you know? I dont want to go that way in my life, I dont want to end my life... I never did...I was just in that place for that time... and now Im not there..it's great...

Either way I start school next week...and look forward to it!

laterz

the beginning

2009-08-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

YAY! I got all funding! Im going to College!

Im going to write the concerns of this present time... Im only writing about it because I know its a boundary that I need to take but because I haven't talked to anyone about it I just need to write about it..Yesterday I called my sweet friend an we talked about Boundaries...how important they are for my current circumstances..
One thing major thing I learned while I was away is the boundary of my family. I love my family an I hope to be a great influence in their lives. I wish that I could guide them to the great success of life but that's not my job. It's not my job to protect them to try an force them into being healthy life of just dealing with the circumstance.s.

Nevermind...the reality is that I'm starting to feel the weight of my family... My concerns are that my family...no wait my mother is making some not so great choices in the lives of my brothers an sisters...allowing a man to stay there that is questionable enough an is in recovery. I've always or since what happened to my sister Im always cautious of the people that go into my mother's place. because I really dont want anything to ever happen to any of them..especially if Im now in Vancouver.
But the boundary is that we're human...there are needs, responsibilities etc... things that I cannot control... Im worried to pieces about the choices she makes in their well-being an yet for the first time in my life I feel like I can't do anything...this is not my role this is not my job... I have always been the one to protect them from everything...
A few weeks ago my younger sister was hanging out in a not so great neighborhood an my first response was to get there...to put up the beast an protect her...

It took me some time to realize...this is not my job...I've used the role of a sister, an turned it into the father, the protector...superman even... to really go outta my way to leap the biggest moutains to change the world..to protect them from people like drug addicts, and things I know that could an will harm them.
I've come to the realization that Im not their parent an I have to let them choose what they choose... If I could raise awareness to my family of the choices and decisions they are making it would be gold...but one thing I've learned is that its not something you could be told....we have to figure it out for ourselves..

My presence in their lives bothers them because I bring reality of where they are an throw it in their face an make them see that I dont approve of it...and therefore that is my first mistake because I do love them...but I need to love them to the point that they desire change... I can't change them..I can show them what its like to live a life of goodness.

So the last twelve hours I've been contemplating whether or not I should move back into my mother's house, to bring on the character of being their protector an provider... this is the old pattern of thinking...this is not my job or duty to be there... I can help them when they are ready but until then...
My focus needs to remain on myself...to pay attention to me... to get into school to attend school, to keep my goals focused an ready there..... I just have to start walking it out... I have to find a place to live an see how that goes...but its my job to do that...not to be there for them.

I am concerned like crazy of where they are at but I also know that I won't be able to help them. One thing I've been told many many times is that I left them those years ago an went to find myself, my solid ground an although I didn't return with those things...Im where Im supposed to be...this is it...an so it'll be difficult...
I can only give these things to God and ask him to take care of them...I know this is the journey I need to take on my own...an that with hope they will find their way too...until then Im where Im supposed to be..

Do you know how difficult that is for me to say? But I know that it would mean if I went back then I'd be opening the door to the beast, to the darkness that I felt...the hurt I felt...the pain the life I had to leave behind when I got outta the hospital...my main focus is myself...not selfish but aware of the boundaries I must take to take care of myself first an foremost...
I must say that even though I know whats right I also know how much it hurts....how much I want to turn back how much I wanna run back....turn back...but I know Im where I am.. I worked extremely hard for people to believe in me...for me to believe in me....an now I have to continue on this walk....

This will pass...an one day my family will see the things I see...an live the way I live...to not need drugs, alcohol, smokes, money, etc....all those things to be content to be happy.... those are all things that wont be here forever...in eternity it won't even exist...an thats why I feel I dont need them... a process of walking through everything I've written everything I've believed in..... to believe in myself an my ability to get to school...an just be living the way that I have meant too for years...

it'll be okay..somehow someway they will find their way...until then they are loved...

laterz

change your thinking

2009-08-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

this is a topic one step in getting closer to the Lord, to God...to giving him our all.. how her renews our minds, how we transform into greatness.
If only I could choose that everyday you know? To not have to remember all this stuff I had to deal with...tonight I was reminded of a fear that I hadn't felt in years...since I was a teenager.. an I thought about how many times I was scared, how I felt little, an how I felt I'd not make it to my 18 birthday because I'd end my life.
I dont know what to say to that... this weekend has been tough I spent a lot of my time alone, a lot of my time contemplating my choices an decisions for this week..what I hope to accomplish, what I feel i might fail at...I spent my time go over an over in my mind of the decision I made on June 3 an I could not even begin to tell you how much that hurt.
If not that decision lets not forget 589. one of the most painful memories of my life.. another choice that I had to make an live with..
I could continue on with all the things I wish I didn't have to remember an how much I wish I could forget them...but the reality is I feel like if I forgot those things then I'd forget my heart. if I dont let myself feel those things I'd forget where my heart was, it would be burried underneath all these things, these memories, times of heartache, times of fear, everything that's hindered me from moving forward, or could prevent me from that.

this weekend...I had to contemplate..weigh out the best results for a future...my future...what have I put myself into? an will I be alright with my decision? will these scars get me somewhere or will they haunt me, hurt me, an wound me for the rest of my life?
I had to take a look at this for real...none of this victory walk, this everything I was..it was time to be real, real about my situation, real about where Im at...I had to really look at it...an decide for myself..how much this opportunity is worth to me..
Im not really sure how to explain this weekend..what's happened..what I've done..or how I've done these things an I can't answer my own questions right now because I dont have the answers right now an part of this process for me is to not have all the answers, never truly knowing where everythign will come from..what will be the next step..how will I get there? who will fund me? how I'll live! ETC!!!

for some time I had to really write about these darkness moments of my life..to truly look at them.. hold them in my grasp...I felt like I ripped out my heart an was examining the damage, examining whether this was what my heart actually wanted....not the funnest times of my life I really would've needed someone through that...but really I had all I needed because...Im done listenning to how others are here for me, how I'll get through this...these things have got me no results...an its just words now to me...

my weekend felt overwhelming...an I didnt get to enjoy myself...I felt burdened...an now the beginning of the week is back an it's time to throw all of this aside an deal with things like place to live, an school...etc.. not an easy thing...but I write them here so I won't forget where Im at..

The first step is to change my thinking....I've been negative, in doubt, an worried about myself to the point of worrying myself to death...I've got to get somewhere....outta this mess an find a reason for a better future..
change my thinking...not positive or negative..just REALITY! the only way i'll get to where im going is if Im TRUE TO MYSELF! it doesn't matter what I write, who i write too, or where I've been, or who's in my life...at the end of the day Im here....And Im walking myself through this, if I forget where my heart lays then I'll be walking in pointless endless direction.

good night

its not life, its a choice!

2009-08-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

A strange reality of life going in my life at the moment... All for goodness of course...which for the moment it all happened i actually literally broke down an cried...But Im honestly proud of myself for those tears...because if I didn't have those tears well then I'd be in the place I was before... I'd be cutting, or thinking of self-destruction...But for the first time I see all that I need to do... An that life of cutting, it's grip on my life..even with the beast...it is losing it's edge in my life, it's place in my life an Im conquering things as I go...
No matter the load of difficulty, no matter what goes on Im at a place where im confident in my ability to succeed...that's something I find myself constantly in awe of where I am an where Im going, an I know I'll be okay...I mean some crazy obstacles have come into my path but that's something Im learning as I go...is that all these things are choices, an decisions...its not that its life, or my life...but its an everyday choice of what I do with any and all information that comes into my life.. I could run..I could hide..an fail in that way because I would not make it to the future... because I felt I'd fail, set myself up for a fail an therefore that's how I failed...

That's not what Im doing...thankfully as I go along this way of life.. Im becoming confident in my ability, my ability to find the resources, the support an help to get to my set goal of becoming a Police Officer...to getting into College...it's all the way it needs to be becaues I've given it my 100% an I will succeed.. tonight I continued to suprise myself...suprise everyone actually!

I have overcome the obstacles of my life of drinking, of cutting, of self-destruction...you might ask me how...but like my title says, its not life..its a choice that I made...I've got so many people so much more people now who believe in me, who are living good lives, an being the best influences in my life..I've not had a desire to drink or self-destruct...I know or feel that it may be temporary but honestly...Im at a point that I know I can choose life, I can choose everything that happens to me or how I respond to events in my life..

My lady is a prime example of true an utter goodness...a woman..a lady my lady! With all that she has been through, all that she has suffered, the consquences of her decisions an choices from the past...effect her now...I mean she could go back, she could give up...she could give less then a 100% she could just go back to where she was...she could allow the difficuilties of life effect her, she could do all this...but you know what shes doing? She's choosing Life! She chooses to walk in Victory..to believe that this is not her forever...an although the walk back from the destructive life she was living, may be tough, may feel unbearable but she knows where she was, she knows where she's going....Everyday she chooses goodness..chooses life...she is an amazing incredible person an I look to her to see that Victory...the victory in her eyes, her voice, her smile... she is walking victory...encouraging, inspiring me..an loving me...I am so proud of her for choosing life, an wonder how I would've come to where I am now if she hadn't choosen life...or even let the past effect her present, or even just choose the destructive path....she doesn't do that.. she lives in the present, an she faces each obstacle with the knowledge that she is giving it her all an she is going to reach her set goal...
She makes me believe in myself...an my ability to see that the future as far away as it might seem, its here..its now..its this present moment...an I could also choose destruction..I could let myself down an run back to where I was...but I know where it got me...an how i felt in that place an that's why I won't go back..that's why Im where I am...because I believe in my ability to live, an conquer all things...choose to walk in victory no matter the circumstance, the obstacle or anything...

School has been so incredible..I mean I may have funding for it...an in the next two weeks I'll totally be getting my own place to live! I am reaching out to all the resources, an getting all the support i need to get to my set goal...an I haven't been worried...because im doing my part... Im fully there doing this an accomplishing everything thats been asked of me...I will get there no matter what!

Well the medication for sleep has now kicked in so Im off to sleep....to dream of the days of victoriously walking into a classroom, to wearing the Police uniform...to everything that needs to happen! VICTORY IS AT ARMS LENGTH!

I CHOOSE LIFE! I CHOOSE IT EVERYDAY! <3